Chapter 76.

Dean had told Sam how things had gone with Cas and Sam had seemed pleased by it, so he was starting to feel better about it himself. Sam was the clear-headed one for now and Sam loved Cas enough to tell Dean if he had handled it badly.

Being honest with Sam felt right. He'd often been too afraid to drop the walls, but things had been so bad, he felt he had no choice and now that he had taken the risk, it didn't feel like a disaster. Sam listened and nodded and occasionally smiled and Dean felt something he never usually felt or expected to feel. He felt safe.

There were no lies to keep track of, no secrets hidden away to sneak out later and mess things up. He was talking to his brother and finding only acceptance and understanding.

It still felt self-indulgent, bordering on selfish, when Sam had so many others to worry about. He felt he had to offer Sam another chance to leave, if there were other things he needed to do.

"Sam," he said, "If you need to ... "

"I don't." said Sam, "Everyone and everything out there can manage without me for now."

Dean nodded. "I never want to be a burden."

"I know." said Sam, smiling, "That's why I so often get the urge to punch you. You don't wanna be a burden, so you make it as hard as possible for me to stick around you and it never enters your head that maybe taking care of my brother is as important to me as it is for you to take care of yours."

"But what if I'm not fixable?"

"When did you ever care if I was? Dean, you stood on the battlefield with me after I'd lost to Satan."

"You didn't lose."

"I'd lost until you got there. Win or lose, with or without hope, I'm here for you and I always will be. I'll never give up on you, Dean. I don't know how. See, I had this brother, growing up, who never once gave up on me."

"I know the type."

"You know the best compliment I ever got? Bobby said I was just like you. There's no higher praise than that. It's all I ever wanted, to match up to you."

"You passed me a long time ago. Now I wish I could be like you. Maybe what broke in me can't be mended."

"We all have our broken bits, the pieces that rattle when we're shook. There's more to you than that. There's something in you that no-one can break. They've all tried and they just can't."

"I wish I could believe in me like you do." said Dean.

"So do I, but until you can, I'll do it for both of us." Sam watched him gravely for a while and then said, "I know the weight on you, Dean. Well, no, maybe I don't, but I know that anyone else would be dust in the wind."

"Good song." said Dean.

"I'm serious. How are you still like this?"

"Like what? I barely function. I'm skulking away here in my room. Sammy, I'm scared to walk out that door during daylight hours."

"You're here, in the bunker, not halfway across the country trying to find a fake name I won't look for. You're talking to me ... and I mean really talking. You even managed to talk to Cas. Michael has no power over you."

"I wish that were true. All of this is Michael."

"No. It isn't."

Dean stretched out on the bed, looking at the ceiling. "Staying in here ... I know it makes me a chicken, but it feels safe."

"That's good. You need safe."

"I shouldn't. I'm not a kid."

"No, you never were, but you're human and you've been through some stuff and if you need to catch your breath before rejoining the other hunters, that's okay."

"When did you ever take a day off?"

"I seem to remember taking a year off." said Sam.

Dean felt bad for reminding him of that. He had not intended to. "That was different." he said, anxious not to reopen that old wound for Sam. "I just hide here." he said.

"I've done my fair share of hiding and running and chickening out. Like I said, human. You know why I can go out there and mix with the off-worlders? Because they're my salvation. No matter how bad it gets, as long as I can support and protect them, I will never want to give up. When you were gone, they needed me and I needed them more."

"I don't feel like that about them." said Dean.

"I know, but you still do all you can for them."

"Don't get me wrong, I like them all, especially Jules. Jules is family. New Bobby is too and Charlie, though she's so not our Charlie. But they're your followers, not mine. You see your people, I just see a lot of eyes, watching me, waiting for me to screw up even more and deliver their enemy, fully armed, right to the bunker."

"Dean, you're a hero to them. You led them out of a dying world and gave them shelter."

"I think that was you."

"Well, maybe you do. They don't. The only person here who doesn't think the world of you is you."

"I know me better than they do."

"You don't know yourself better than I do." said Sam.

"Changing the subject ... "

"Of course." said Sam.

Dean smiled ruefully. "I told you. Chicken."

"I told you, human."

"Can we talk about Lucifer?"

"Whatever helps." said Sam, only the slight quaver in his voice showing how little he wanted to.

"When you said you felt like you'd never be free of his contamination ... Sam, you are free of it. There is nothing of Lucifer in you."

"Most of the time, that's how I feel, but I can never shake off that feeling completely. Maybe it makes no sense, but I think it will always be at the back of my mind."

"It makes perfect sense, to me, anyway. You're right, they make you feel completely invaded and corrupted. I guess it's weird to say an archangel ... well, Michael ... made me feel unclean, but for all that righteous certainty, he was evil. He took pleasure in destruction." Dean laughed.

"What?" said Sam.

"Like I never took pleasure in random violence. Maybe the stain was on my soul a long time ago."

"Lots of scars, no stains." said Sam.

"What if all the stuff I think is Michael is actually who I really am?"

"It's not. Who you really are is the man who went to Hell to save my life, who came out of Hell still human, still good. Even now, after that evil son of a bitch had you under his control, you're worrying about me and scared you can't protect the others. You think Michael ever cared about anyone else? You think he knows what love and loyalty are?"

"No angel does." said Dean.

"One does." said Sam, reminding him not to include Cas.

"Sorry." he said.

Sam smiled. "When you were seventeen, you and Dad came back from a hunt and you apologised for bleeding on my jacket."

"So? You remember the weirdest stuff, Sam."

"So you're allowed to bleed when you're wounded. Don't feel guilty for the stuff you can't help. Cas understands and so do I."

"You corrected me."

"Yeah, I also washed off the blood. Didn't blame you for either though, did I?"