Chapter 77.

Jules went to the kitchen for a beer and found Mary Winchester sitting at the table with her own beer and a bag of chips. "I know," said Mary, "Sam would not approve. Comfort food."

"Any particular reason you need it?" said Jules, grabbing a beer from the refrigerator and joining her friend at the table.

"The usual, worrying about my boys. Dean mostly, but not excluding Sam. I just wanna find them both and do whatever moms do when their kids are in pain." She smiled sadly and added, "Only, I don't know what that is. I only got four years as a mom and in all that time, the hardest thing I had to do was convince Dean to wear shoes."

"Was he as stubborn then as he is now?" said Jules.

"If anything, he's mellowed." said Mary, "In those days, I had to get clever. Told him, 'Daddy always wears shoes when he goes out.' Of course, then we had to get him a pair of boots just like Daddy's."

"Where are Dean and Sam?" said Jules.

"I don't know, but not around ... not visible. I hope they're together. I hope they're talking. All those healing, supportive, nurturing skills I never developed - they're all right there in Sam, an inheritance from John, maybe, or something he learned from Dean."

"You could be very nurturing yourself when we were under attack in my world. Sam does have the advantage over all of us in that nobody could ever know Dean like he does. He knows when to push and when to retreat. He knows all the stuff Dean isn't saying and can say it for him. And of course, Dean trusts him in a way he can't trust me or even you."

"Even me?" said Mary, "Especially me. All I've done is abandon him. The first time wasn't my fault. All the later times were."

"I know he feels the pain still, but I think he understands." said Jules, "It's pretty clear that he loves you and doesn't blame you for the past."

"Somehow, he forgave me, but I know he's afraid he'll lose me again. Sam will never leave him and he knows it. I'm not reliable. But he has started to open up to me a little."

"I think, considering all the disasters of the past, you and your sons have an amazing relationship."

Mary smiled. "They've both been great to me, tolerating my confusion and distance, giving me time to come to terms with all the changes."

"It was probably for the best that I never did the marriage thing or the kid thing. The apocalypse came and wiped out all the cute little families and we cynical, bitter, loner types all seemed to survive. The people who did have kids with them lived in constant fear of losing them. Being alone didn't seem terrible then."

"You're not alone now." said Mary.

"Honestly, I never felt less alone in my life. I know our relationship's a little weird and so is Cas, but I like weird. I never thought I'd meet someone who would care about me, accept me just as I am and make me feel safe. If I'd met a human like him back in my world, I might have been a wife and a mom and if I had, I would have fought like a lioness for my kids."

"You fight like that for everyone. There's a real Mama Bear spirit in you, Jules."

"I never saw myself as maternal, not even before the world got flipped on its ass."

"You're doing pretty well with Jack."

"I love Jack." said Jules.

"Do you wish you and Cas could ... "

"No, I don't." said Jules quickly, "Nephilim, you know. Not really a practical plan. It's not like you get to be around for your kid. Sorry!" she said, seeing the look on Mary's face, "It just feels different to go into it knowing you won't be there."

"It's okay." said Mary, "I just hate knowing how different their lives could have been."

"Yeah, I know, but if things had been different, your world would have ended like mine. What they went through was hard, but a lot of good came out of it."

I'm just so grateful to Amara that she gave me this chance to put some of it right. I can hug them. I can talk to them. I can let them know how much I've always loved them. But I wish I could take away those years when they felt alone."

"They always had each other. Their bond is incredible."

"It is, isn't it? I used to worry that Dean would be jealous of the new baby, but nobody can say he hasn't been a wonderful big brother and Sam loves Dean with all his heart. In all that went wrong, that one thing went so right. I wanted Dean to have a brother he could feel close to and grow up with. I wanted Sam to have someone to look up to and trust."

"Mission accomplished." said Jules.

"And now I guess this is my chance to show faith in them. Every instinct tells me I should be following Dean around, taking care of him, being a mom for once in my life, but it wouldn't help. He'd hate it. He'd retreat. He'd leave the bunker and that would leave him vulnerable."

"That's what I'm most afraid of, that he'll decide he can't be around Cas and run. Out there, he's Michael bait. He's so damn fatalistic at times, I'm not even sure he'd try to fight."

"He'd fight, for our sakes, but not with much hope."

"But I'm sure Michael left because he couldn't handle Dean. Dean has been kicking bigger things than Michael into the gutter for years. He has no idea how strong he really is." said Jules.

"He and Sam seem to know what they're doing. He's put so much trust in Sam to keep him sane and safe and he seems to be doing it well. I just need to shut up all the parts of my brain that keep screaming at me never to let Dean out of my sight again."

"If it helps at all, I don't think you're ever out of his heart. Sam says the memory of you was always Dean's strength. You only had four years to do it, but you put so much love in his heart that he could draw on it decades later when he felt alone and scared."

"He's so ashamed of his fear. Anyone would be afraid." said Mary.

"Cas is the same, a target for just about everyone in Heaven, Hell and all places between and he feels bad because he is afraid. I wish they understood, courage is the overcoming of fear, not the absence of it."

"If anyone else was afraid, they'd both tell them that."

"Yes," said Jules, "The standards they have for themselves are way above anything they have for others."

"If he did leave ... "

"Sam and I would hunt him down. He's not gonna be alone against Michael. Same with Cas. They run, we chase, because whether they see it or not, they matter to us."