POV: Jordan

I guess you're out of your mind 'till it actually happens.

The call came in, and I rushed to the entrance of the school, lungs burning, heart beating with anticipation. And there she stood, white fur, sunglasses over her ears, purse dangling off the cliff that was her arm, arguing with one of the front desk ladies. Until she sniffed the air, and her head immediately swiveled to the right, her piercing blue eyes meeting mine. And then that smile, that smile that brought tears to my eyes, all of the built up emotions finally finding their release.

"Mom!" I said, running towards her, tears welling up in my eyes and streaking down my face. Her arms spread open, her embrace filling up the hole in my heart, the hole that had crippled me, creating fears and delusions in my mind.

"Hey baby," she said, stroking the fur on my head. Her laugh filled the air, sweet like tasting berries on your tongue. "Why are you crying? It hasn't been that long."

I pulled away, snot running down my nose, crying in front of everybody. "I've-I've just...really missed you," I stammered through tears, wiping my nose with my sleeve. "So much has happened, and I don't know if things will ever be the same, and I-"

Mom held my elbow and led me outside of the front office, away from everyone, just the two of us. She sighed when we were in the clear, her gaze low to the ground. "I know what's happened...and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me."

"You're here now," I said, drying my tears.

"Going all soft on me now?" she teased, hands on her hips.

"No! There's just something in my eye."

Mom rolled her eyes, her expression softening. "I am sorry that I wasn't here when everything blew up. You know you could've called though."

"I know...I just thought I could do everything on my own, I thought I could handle it." I chuckled. "Guess I was wrong about that."

"Well you've made it this far. Now," she glanced around the foyer of the school, "where is this hyena I've been hearing so much about?"

HOW DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT NATHAN?

"You mean Nathan?" I asked, wanting to steer the conversation away from my love life...or lack thereof. "Oh, he's most likely busy with school work or something. He's probably in one of the lecture halls doing homework or...lecturing…" my voice trailed off. I wasn't the best at making shit up on the spot.

"Oh, so his name is Nathan? Hm, that's really tacky."

"Mom!"

She raised her shoulders. "What? Everyone names their boy Nathan for some reason, I never understood it."

Like 'Jordan' is any better.

"And how is Alex?" she continued, "I hope he's doing better after everything that happened. Who's idea was it to hire that bitch anyway?"

"Ok, if you're going to curse," I said, pulling her away from the staff which lingered around us, "then we need to talk somewhere private."

"I'm just messing with you, " she said as we reached my dorm room. I turned the knob and pushed open the door to reveal the dark, damp abyss, a few of my shirts scattered across the floor. Mom stood still, eyebrows creased from the empty room. "So...you sleep here...alone?"

I looked around the room, the empty beds, unused bathroom, closed blinds. "Yup, all alone. But it's ok, sometimes my friends visit me."

"Jordan, just because snow leopards are independent animals doesn't mean you need to always be alone. That's just not who you are." She shook her head, sighing as she slumped her shoulders. "I hear you've been winning the election, that's good."

The air was awkward. Mom called me a couple of times, but I mostly left her in the dark. It wasn't like I didn't want to talk to her-I did. I just didn't know if it was the right time, with Mrs. Carter and everything. In hindsight, it probably would've been better to tell her about Mrs. Carter, she would've killed her before she got her hands on Alex.

"Well," Mom said, glancing around the room, "is there anything you want to do together? I didn't drive two hours just to sit in your dorm room and talk about life."

I shrugged my shoulders. "There really isn't anything to do around here other than walk around the school and talk to animals. Fun is just something we only get to do if we go into the city, other than that, it's just work and…"

"And what?"

"Never mind, not important," I said as I shook my head. A slight glimmer caught my eye to the lower right of my side, I looked down to see something shiny on mom's right hand. A ring, one with a beautiful diamond in the center that looked like it could cut glass. My eyes shot open wide, grabbing Mom's hand and forcing it close to my eyes. "Mom...what aren't you telling me?"

Her body tensed up and she pulled her hand away, feeling over the diamond ring. "This was the real reason why I came to visit you." She turned her hand slowly around, admiring its shine under the dim light of my room. "Richard proposed to me a couple of days ago, and I said yes. I was going to tell you, I promise, I just couldn't find the right time."

Betrayal seeped into my blood. "So you're just forgetting about Dad then? Was he anything to you!?"

She rubbed her forehead. "Jordan, I don't want to argue about this again, I thought you were over it."

Now I was angry.

"What is wrong with you?" I said. "Do you seriously think I could just forget about Dad? Richard doesn't even act like a father to me! Hell, I barely know the guy!"

Mom tightened her jaw, straightening her spine. "You're mad, I understand that. But everytime? Really? Jordan, your father is dead, he's been dead for six years. Of course I fucking miss him, with all of my heart. But at some point you have to let go, at some point you have to leave the dead alone."

I never wanted to let go of Dad, never in a million years.

"How could you?" I whimpered, tears pooling in my eyes, tears which I wished would just go away. "I can't just let go of Dad, I loved him! Did you even care about him!?"

Mom held back tears, taking in deep heavy breaths. "I came here to see my daughter, to make sure she was ok after all the shit that had happened. I didn't come here to discuss your father.

"You're the one who accepted a proposal without even telling me! What is wrong with you!?"

"Fine," she said, raising her hands, "I'll leave. Will that make you feel better? Do you want me gone?"

When you're angry, you say things you regret.

"I didn't even want you to come in the first place," I spat.

Mom nodded and closed her eyes, leaving the dorm room door wide open as she left.

I groaned loudly, falling back onto my bed and crying, tears streaming down the sides of my face. No matter how much I thought I was over it, somehow I found a way to ruin everything just like Alex. Maybe we were more alike than I liked to believe. The way we constantly ruined the perfect things in our life. I should've been happy that Mom was engaged to her boyfriend. Richard had always been nice to me, so what the hell was wrong with me?

You really blew it, Jordan.

"I just miss you, Dad," I said, grasping at nothing.

It was rare.

I was there.

I remember it all too well.

My eyes closed, a feeling of peacefulness filling my entire body, like pouring water into a pot. But the pot always boiled over, the water always reached the perfect temperature to scald anything and everything.

️ ️ ️

I pushed open the front door of my home, backpack strung over my shoulders, setting it down near the table by the kitchen. Still images in picture frames stared back at me, empty eyes following me with every movement, with every step through the front hallway towards nothingness.

It had been ten months since Dad had died, and I could still feel his laughter throughout the halls, still felt his angelic touch on the walls. He was in every room, in every nook and cranny. There was no escaping him...I didn't want to escape him, I wanted to always be with him, to always be near him. He was there when I opened the windows in my room, his face beaming on to mine from the sun. But gravity would always pull me back to the ground.

What died didn't stay dead, you're alive in my head.

"Jordan?" Mom's voice echoed as her footsteps came closer to my room, opening the door with a sincere smile. "Hey honey, how was school?"

I stuffed the clothes on my floor into the closet, not bothering to hang them up. "School was fine," I said, brushing off the hateful comments from some of my classmates. "Just the same old routine everyday, nothing ever changes…" I couldn't help but stare at the floor, keeping my eyes away from Mom.

"Well," she said, eyebrows creasing, "Grandma and Grandpa are coming over for dinner tonight, care to help me make dinner?"

"No, that's ok," I said, brushing my fingers over the drawings Dad and I had done together.

Mom sighed, closing her fingers around the door. "Ok, well when they do come over, I want you to be the one to answer the door."

"Yeah, sure," I mumbled, the clicking of the door finally ending my trance. No matter what I did, no matter how many minutes, day, or months passed, Dad was still fresher than a daisy in my mind, taking up empty space.

Empty.

You're the lucky one, you didn't get killed.

Hours had passed, the sun setting over the horizon, a knock at the front door. I scrambled to my feet, pushing open my door and clicking the lock of the front door, Grandma and Grandpa standing taller than me, red roses in their hands.

Grandpa pushed past me, greeting Mom in the kitchen as Grandma bent down to greet me, her eyes an emerald to my sapphire. She ruffled the short fur on my head. "So good to see you again." She stood up, placing her hands on her hips. "Have you gotten taller?" I shook my head no, craning my neck to hear Grandpa and Moms conversation from the kitchen, but Grandma tore my attention away, taking my shoulder. "Best not busy them right now." She gave a light pat to my shoulder and strode over to the kitchen, Mom's voice getting noticeably quieter.

My eyes rolled at the fact of interrupting them, taking my leave towards my room. But before I could turn to the hallway, past the pictures and bathrooms, there was another knock at the door. Mom scrambled from the kitchen, eyes set on the door, the door that I had opened.

A snow leopard stared back at me, a look of shock and curiosity on his face. He was wearing a NASA shirt, dark grey jeans and black glasses that fell off his nose. His ears flicked from the wind outside, permeating my loose sweatshirt, a familiar hand on my shoulder as Mom's presence towered over me.

"Oh," she said, "I wasn't expecting you to show up this early." Her fingers curled around my shoulder, digging into my collarbone. "This is my daughter, Jordan."

"Hi," I said meekly, swallowing the lump in my throat. Any normal child would stay quiet until the animal was gone to ask their parents who they just met, but not me. "Who...are you?"

The snow leopard smiled, bending down to meet me and extending his hand. "My name is Richard, I'm a friend of your Moms." His smile didn't bring me any comfort, and neither did the tight grip of his hand. "So nice of you to invite me to dinner." He smelled the air with a light chuckle. "Did you cook all that? It smells amazing."

I know what you're doing...I'd like for you to stop.

"No," I said curtly, "I didn't cook any of it. Nobody told me you were coming over." Before I could turn to face my room, to go back to my place of refuge, Mom led me into the kitchen with the snow leopard who liked to be called Richard. There were plates upon plates of food, some of which I couldn't even see. Most of it was green, a random assortment of vegetable dishes, others more creamy in color.

Richard, the snow leopard, met my grandparents, shaking their hands with a tight smile on his lips, long tail brushing against the wooden floors. A couple of times he had stumbled over his tail, glasses almost falling off his face and his annoying laugh which made my ears ache. He was very polite though, answering the questions my grandparents flew at him with fluidity and grace. If he didn't look like a snow leopard, I would've thought he was a robot.

"I'm sorry," I said, placing my fork down at the dinner table. "But what do you do again? It sounds like you just type on a computer all day."

Richard forced a laugh, eyes meeting mine with sincerity. "I'm a software engineer at NASA." He pointed to his shirt.

"So you're a nerd?" Mom cleared her throat and I rolled my eyes. "What?" I argued. "I'm just asking."

The conversation continued, shifting like sands in a desert. It was slow, annoying, painstakingly annoying. They talked about work, cars, insurance, property values, education, politics; the things adults would normally talk about it, and I hated every second of it. There was this random snow leopard in our house and I had no information about him, other than he was Mom's friend.

Dinner was finished and everyone got up to leave, but before my grandparents could leave, Mom took Richard outside. And so, without Grandpa or Grandma noticing, I sunk out of my chair and walked over to the window, eyes tearing up from what I saw, brain trying to process, then finally putting two and two together.

There they were, Mom's arms wrapped around Richard's neck and his around her waist as their lips pressed together in the shimmering moonlight. My heart crumpled and I leaned away from the window, eyes watering with tears.

The door opened and Mom stood there, eyes filled with guilt, a red car pulling out of the driveway. "Jordan," she said, "I was going to tell you."

"No you weren't!" I shouted, throwing my fists to the floor. "How could you? What about Dad?!"

Mom tried to take my hand, but I forced it away, heart pounding, lungs tensing. "Did Dad mean anything to you? How could you just forget about him!" I turned sharply, running into my room and shutting the door behind me, back sliding down as I cried into my hands, hating the world and hating Mom.

The amount of betrayal I felt was immeasurable. Not only a couple months after Dad's death and she was making out with someone new, someone she never told me about. To me, it was like everyone had forgotten about Dad. His keys in the bowl, his smile on every photo, the memories in the hallways. They were gone from everyone's minds, they all forgot about him.

I cried myself to sleep, the moonlight peaking through my window, reminding me of him. But how could Mom move on so easily? How could she have done that?

Dad's voice echoed in my head. "You can catch a star if the sky is falling down," he had said when we went stargazing. "There's a golden lighting up in every single cloud."

"C'mon Dad," I had said, pushing the telescope away from my eyes. "Isn't it the phrase, 'there's a silver lining up in every single cloud?'"

He laughed, deep and baritone, music to my ears. "That may be how the phrase goes, but I like mine better, don't you?"

"Of course I do," I had said with a playful eyeroll.

And then Mom went and ruined all the memories with Richard, bringing him over until he finally moved in for good.

️ ️ ️

Thinking about Dad brought tears to my eyes, but it hurt even worse when I thought about the horrible things I had said to Mom. It wasn't her fault that Dad had died, and I shouldn't have tried to destroy the only ounce of love she had left. Just because Dad was dead didn't mean she couldn't find love again, it didn't mean she had to only be loyal to Dad, to only think and cry about him, to constantly remind herself that he was her husband, that he was the one she said her vows to.

Been a prisoner of the past.

Had a bitterness when I looked back.

Dad was perfect, but Richard was also perfect. He was always kind to me, always there to wish me a happy birthday, always there to ask me how school went and to call the principal when he found out I was getting bullied. I was just too blind to see it, too fucking stupid to understand how much he actually cared for me. And I began to understand that there was a reason as to why I went through hell; so I could see more clearly, never taking things at face value, and to understand my emotions more.

"I'm such an idiot," I said, taking out my phone and dialing Mom's number. She didn't answer, my brain making the assumption she had already left, the words I said to her she took literally.

Then the door opened, Mom standing with the phone in her hand. I straightened my back, mouth slightly open as my reflection stared back at me.

"I didn't leave," she said, stuffing the phone in her pocket. "I wasn't going to leave because I knew you would call."

"I'm so sorry," I said, closing my eyes, ashamed to even look at her.

"No, you have a right to be angry with me, to hate me. I should've told you about the ring, about the engagement. It was my mistake to keep it from you. I just didn't want you to have to deal with anymore than you already were." She sat down next to me. "I know how close you were to Dad." She chuckled. "I know better than anyone. How you two would run around the house dressed up in costumes and sword fight, or when he would take you out on the hill to look at the stars. You may look like me, but you're more similar to him than you realize."

"I'm sorry," I said again, knowing the words were just a simple band-aid to the wounds I had caused. "I shouldn't make you feel like shit for...loving someone else."

Mom pulled me into a tight hug. "You shouldn't make me feel like shit regardless," she said with a chuckle.

"You've put up with my crap for so long. The restless nights, the constant crying, the stupid drama. If I were in your position, I would've already given up hope."

I can never say how truly sorry I am.

"I loved your dad," Mom said smiling, eyes off in the distance. "When we first met, we would dance all the time, spinning around in circles in our new house. And then you came a long, and I had made a promise to you, when you were so tiny: I would keep you safe, forever. All the horrors of the world I would shelter you from, all the pain and humiliation you would feel, I would be the one to bear it instead." She looked at me, glimpses of the past and tears in her eyes. "Did I ever tell you why I named you 'Jordan'?"

I smiled weakly. "I think you have, but I might need a reminder."

"Well," she said, tapping my nose. "It's because I wanted you to be strong, I wanted you to be a snow leopard like no other. With a name like Jordan, animals would pay attention to you, they would take you seriously, and they would remember you." She dried the tears on my face. "So no more crying, no more sitting alone in this room and sulking. No more pain, and no more torment. I know you can be better, I've seen you do it."

"How?" I said, looking up at her. "How do I just...let go of him? How can I just forget about him like everyone else has?" The tears came back, a tiny little amount of pain in my head. "He isn't just someone to forget about, he wasn't just another animal in this world!" Mom held me tighter, closer, and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, couldn't stop the pain in my heart.

"I never forgot about him," she said, rubbing my head. "I thought about him every night and every day. He never left my mind, he's still there sometimes, in the background, but it isn't him, it's his laugh or his voice. It's not about forgetting and it's not about letting go of him, it's about accepting it. He died, Jordan. He's gone, but nobody is never truly gone, because they're always in your heart, they will always be there, and your dad will always be with you. I'm not one to believe in the afterlife, heaven or hell, but if there is a heaven, I know he's watching over you."

I shut my eyes tight. "I don't know how to accept his death, how to just, accept that he's gone."

I don't think I really wanted to accept that Dad was gone, that he was no longer tethered to the hell we called Earth. That was just something I couldn't comprehend, it wasn't a part of my life. I was so afraid that if I let go of him, if I let the past be, then he would be gone forever, that he would just cease to exist. I think I was so afraid to put him in a drawer, only to take out occasionally and remember the good times we shared together.

"I don't want to accept that he's dead," I said with shaky hands.

Mom rubbed circles on my back. "Grieving takes a long time, longer than anyone wants to admit. But it doesn't last forever, it eventually finishes its job and moves onto the next animal to torment. Unfortunately, you've been in its clutches for a very long time." She hugged me tight again as I cried, I was so sick of crying, of feeling helpless and useless. Wasn't I good for something other than crying?

You are the piece of me I wish I didn't need.

"Just take it one step at a time," she said, "one foot forward."

I sniffled, rubbing my eyes. "It's been more like one step forward and two steps backwards. I'm stuck in this constant loop of just...bringing up the past and thinking everything is wrong and everyone hates me for no reason, even though I know they like me." I looked up at Mom, smiling with tears streaming down my face. "I'm in love with someone, not Alex this time, and it's so hard to tell if he likes me or not. He's shy, awkward, and in some cases, a bit creepy. But he's also kind, amazing, caring, even if he doesn't show it that often. I just...I love him , Mom. I just don't know if he likes me back. And the fear of rejection again is just so... hard. I don't want to feel that same heartache again."

Mom's eyes softened, breathing in deeply. "It's that hyena, isn't it?" I nodded, wiping more tears from my eyes.

"Yeah, his name is Nathan...and he's amazing. I don't know what I would've done without him."

"Then tell him how you feel, even if you get rejected. Bottling it up only makes it worse, I speak from experience." She chuckled, pulling away from the embrace.

"Alex said the same thing," I said. "But I'm scared of falling in love with the one goodbye."

Mom sighed, placing her hands in her lap. "Asking if someone likes you is a luck of the draw."

"I usually draw the unlucky."

"Life hasn't dealt any of us good hands," she said, eyes on the floor.

"At least we still have each other," I said, finding it easier to smile than before.

Mom patted my back. "Soon you'll get better, and you're right, we do have each other. You also have Alex and that boy Nathan. Which reminds me, can I meet him? He sounds like quite the charmer."

A laugh found its way up my throat, tears clearing up and the world becoming sharper. "Maybe. If he asks me to the dance, I want you to help me out with my outfit, so you better come when I call."

Mom took out her phone and opened up to her voicemails, the last one being listened to was one from Dad. "Hey honey," he said, the sounds of a bus in the background. "Looks like I'll be a little late from work today. You're gonna have to tell Jordan our Daddy-daughter date is canceled." He sighed, a horn honking in the background. "Her bedtime is eight, right? Shit. Well, I'll talk to you when I get home, love you."

Mom sighed. "I still have it, just so I can hear his voice sometimes. I can find a way to send it to you if you want."
I shook my head, chest filling with something new. "No, you keep it. It's your memory of him, something to hold onto. As for me, I have the countless memories we've made together."

Even though it's not easy, right now the right kind of love is the love that let's go.

I was never going to have Dad walk me down the aisle with flowers in hands, never going to have him pressure my boyfriend, then laughing after the fact. But it was ok, I was ok. I was broken, and I was ok.

It's time to move on, even though I'm not ready. I've got to be strong.

Mom stood up from the bed, a hint of hope in her crystal blue eyes. "Ok," she said, wiping something from her eyes and smiling back at me. "Walk me out to my car?"

"Of course."

Mom left the school, giving one last goodbye before she put the car in park and drove off campus. The chatter of animals surrounding me reminded me of just exactly where I was...a school, and a petty one at that. At least the elections for the student council positions were about to happen. But really, who thought announcing the student council president at the school dance was a good idea? It only added on to the preexisting nerves which swarmed my body.

I found myself in the cafeteria after mindlessly wandering, thinking about Dad. There was a crowd around one of the tables, and I strained my eyes to see anything past the sea of animals. Getting closer revealed the culprit of the riot-like mob in the cafeteria.

Nathan was standing on one of the tables with a massive sign in his hand, staring right at me with a gigantic smile on his face. The sign read, in big red letters, "This is hard to express, but I'll take a shot. Will you go to the dance with me, Jordan Anderson?"

Animals turned around once they understood where Nathan was looking, and immediately started cheering. I couldn't help but hold back a grin, heart fluttering in my chest. My legs moved fast through the crowd, Nathan hopping down from the table as I flung my arms around him, his fresh scent filling my nose, butterflies rising in my stomach

"Of course I'll go with you!" I shouted over the hoots and hollers of the crowds. We stared into each other's eyes, smiling with something more than just friendly love in our eyes, something more than just the months we had spent together. "I love you," I mouthed, hoping he didn't understand me and immediately regretting my decision. But even though I cringed inside after saying it, it needed to be said, the light needed to reflect in his eyes, and I felt it.

I'm in love.

True love.