Chapter 78.
"I keep thinking what Dad would say, if he saw how badly I screwed everything up." said Dean.
"Compared to Dad?" said Sam. It had never entered his head to imagine that their father would be anything but proud of Dean, as he was.
"Don't, Sam." said Dean, who would have used his dying breath to defend their dad, even though he knew his faults as well as Sam did.
"You know I love Dad and I'm not saying a word against him," said Sam, "But if anyone would understand all of this ... He said yes to Michael too."
"To save Mom." said Dean, as if that were a world away from doing it for the sake of saving Jack and Sam.
Sam wondered whether it would be better to argue or to change the subject. His brittle brother seemed too fragile for one of their big fights, but silence might be taken as agreement. Choosing every word with care, he said, "Dad would be so proud of you, Dean. He'd be so proud that every choice you ever made, you made because it was the right thing to do, not because it was easy or safe."
"The right thing? Always? I'm not sure that claim stands much scrutiny."
"All I know is that you never deliberately picked the wrong thing or the easy thing. You did what you thought was right, even when you thought it would cost you everything. That's something to be proud of and if you won't be proud of it, just know that I am and Mom is and Dad would be too."
"You think he'd be proud of the way I'm treating Cas?" said Dean.
"Aren't you supposed to hate Cas? You do seem to be spending a lot of time caring how he feels."
"Are you avoiding the question?"
"If you really need an answer, I think he'd be blown away by the fact that, days after escaping from Michael, your main concern is whether you're hurting the feelings of an angel."
"Stop saying I escaped from Michael. Michael threw me away like an empty bottle."
"I don't believe that. I think he couldn't hold onto you. It was taking too much time and effort just keeping you down." said Sam.
"I wonder what Cas thinks about it ... I mean really thinks. He's so careful what he says, so scared of saying the wrong thing."
"We all are, because you're hearing stuff we never said or thought."
"He and I never stood a chance, did we? I won't say Michael was right, because ... no, but I suppose angels and humans were never intended to be friends."
"Since when do you care what God intended?" said Sam.
"I don't, but of all the humans on this planet, I'm, the last he should have trusted. Even my own family can't trust me."
"How is Cas not family?"
"You know what I mean."
"I know you don't know what you're saying. Everything's misfiring in there, Dean. Sarah would say that everything that is conscious seeks love and friendship and connection and that the angels could not evolve without involving themselves with humanity."
"I still think he could have chosen a better human."
"Yeah? I don't. And just because I don't want it to slip by unchallenged, we can trust you and we do. There is no-one in this world I trust more."
"Even now?" said Dean.
"Especially now."
Dean lay back on the bed and put his hands behind his head. "You mean it."
"Damn straight, I mean it."
Dean smiled. "I never thought, all those years ago, that I could avoid falling off that pedestal you put me on. I mean, I always tried, but I thought one day, you'd see through the act and know I wasn't what I was pretending to be. And I dreaded that day."
"You dumb, stupid idjit." said Sam.
"And now it's come, apparently." said Dean with a grin.
"I saw what you were from the start. Your act never fooled me for a second. I knew you were a superhero and I still do. I'll follow you until I am on a pyre."
"Well, that could be tough, since you're now the leader and have been for a while. We can't really follow each other. We'd be going around in circles."
"So what's new?" said Sam. He liked that Dean was beginning to seem more relaxed, more cheerful, more like Dean. Sarah said his salvation would be in joy and gentle laughter seemed like a good start.
"You know why I'm so quick to yell at you?"
"Yeah, because it freaks you out when we disagree, because you're scared one day one of us will say something we can't take back and the other one can't forgive."
"I hate when you read my mind like that."
"I didn't need any mindreading skills." said Sam, "I lose my temper with you for the same reason. I can't stand it when you look at me like I'm something terrible, because I've always been afraid that I'm not worthy and you'll see that."
"Only you see anything unworthy in you."
"We're two of a kind." said Sam.
"That's high praise for me, but a little insulting to you."
"Case in point." said Sam.
"Out of interest, how long do you intend to let me hide in here? Because I gotta tell you, I could happily hide in here forever."
"No you couldn't."
"You mean I shouldn't. and I agree. I'm so frickin' useless right now, but I don't know when I'll be able to walk out that door and join the others, so how long before you lose patience and drag me into the light?"
"You need to be in here. I get that. You can stay in here as long as you need to, because only you can judge that. I want you back in the fight, but more than that, I want you back to full strength and believing in yourself."
"So you'll just let me wallow?"
"If wallowing is what you need, yes, but if you like, I can promise to encourage you to get out there again when I think the time is right."
"I think I may need you to do that." said Dean.
"Fine. Not a problem. In the meantime, you should make a list. Anything you need, food, movies, anything. I can get it for you."
"What if we don't have it?"
"Maybe you've already been in here too long. There are these things called stores. You want it, I'll get it."
"Thanks." said Dean.
"I can do your laundry with mine and just pile the plates and cups you use inside the door. I'll deal with all of that. You'll only need to leave to use the bathroom. Make sure you shower. It's important."
"Do I smell that bad?"
"I mean for your mental health." said Sam.
"What about Mom?"
"Mom's cool. Bobby too. They know you need some space."
"Would it be weird if I asked you to send Cas here?"
"Doesn't matter if it seems weird. You know best what you need."
"I'm not sure that's true, but I need to make sure he knows I'm not avoiding him ... the whole universe including him, but not him specifically."
"Whatever you want." said Sam.
"Okay. I want you to go to the farm. Spend some time with Sarah. I worry about you carrying all this alone."
"Could you stop being my big brother for five minutes?"
"I don't think so. It's kinda hardwired into me."