Chapter 79.

Still wandering around the archives, Cas found Jack sitting at a desk, reading pages from a folder. "Something interesting?" he said.

"Very interesting." said Jack, "According to Sam's notes on the antichrist, Jesse Turner, he had immense power."

"Yes, he did."" said Cas, "Another of my stupid mistakes. I tried to kill him. Fortunately, he was too powerful and prevented it. I was stupid then. I think I was a monster, no compassion, no humanity."

"I can't believe you were ever like that."

"Even to think about what I was then makes me nauseous. He was a child, albeit a terrifyingly powerful one. He was an innocent, as you were and I also wanted to kill you, at first. It seems I learn slowly, if at all."

"I'm here." said Jack, "And I'm here only because you chose not to kill me or let me be killed. It says here that Jesse disappeared."

"Yes." said Cas.

"We need to find him. He could kill Michael for us. He'd be full grown now, right?"

"Even if he were interested in helping us ... and we cannot be sure that he would be, there's no way to find him. His powers hide him from everyone. We'd only become aware of him if he did something huge, like wipe out a continent. Even then, we may not recognise his part in it."

"So there is someone out there who could snap Michael like a dry twig and we can't recruit him?" said Jack.

"I'm afraid that's the case." said Cas, "It's an interesting thought, though, whether he might one day put his powers to some noble use. He was a good child. Sam was very impressed."

"Sam gives everyone a chance, a nephilim, an antichrist ... "

"A fallen angel who has let him down too many times." said Cas.

"Sam sees past everyone's assumptions about us, including our own." said Jack.

"Yes, he does." said Cas, happy to know how much Jack loved and respected Sam Winchester.

"Even now, when I have no useful powers, he makes me feel like I still matter."

"You matter to all of us."

"I mean in the big fight. He still talks as if I have a part to play."

"You don't feel that you do?" said Cas.

Jack suddenly smiled brightly and Cas wished he had not spent long enough around the Winchesters to see through the attempt at reassurance. "I know I do. I'm glad he knows it too." said Jack.

"Sam's a good man. He believes in us all. If we ever do meet Jesse again, we should let Sam do the talking."

"You think we will?" said Jack.

"I think anything is possible." said Cas.

"I didn't exist when you met him. Is it possible, at full power, I could find him?"

"Conceivably." said Cas.

"Do you have any idea where we would need to look?"

"With his abilities, he could be anywhere in time and space. It would be like looking for a needle in a ... well, a universe."

"Which of us would you say is more powerful?" said Jack, "If I had full power, I mean." He made it sound like a purely academic question, not knowing the cold grip the very thought of it put around his father's heart.

"I'd rather not find out. In theory, you, but let's try to avoid any kind of direct challenge situation."

Again that smile, a concern for Cas's concern, the boundless compassion of a celestial with a human soul in sharp contrast to a total lack of interest in what might happen to him. Cas wished there were a glimmer of self-preservation in his precocious child.

"I have no intention of fighting him." said Jack, "But all that power, if he chose to use it ... And maybe we could convince him."

"Maybe we could." said Cas, "Just don't mention me. He may not entirely have forgiven me."

"He turned you back." said Jack.

"Yes, he did."

"You were doing what you thought was right."

"That's not an excuse." said Cas.

"Why are you always so hard on yourself? We've all done terrible things. I've done terrible things."

"No." said Cas.

Jack looked into his eyes. "You say you were a monster, but that's what Dean thought about me at first."

"Not just Dean and we were wrong."

"Yes. You're wrong about yourself, too." said Jack, "You made an honest mistake. I don't blame you that you wanted to kill me. I don't think Jesse Turner will either."

"Nevertheless, if you want his cooperation, he trusts Sam and Dean and has every reason not to trust me. I don't say these things to torture myself. My objection to being involved is strategic."

"The torture is coincidental?" said Jack.

"Precisely."

Sam put his head around the door. "Cas, I was looking for you. Dean wants to see you."

"He wants to?" said Cas.

"He asked me to send you to him. He needs a little time alone, but he wants to talk to you first."

"Sam, he can't be alone right now. You know what he's doing to himself. I thought he wanted you around."

"He still does." said Sam, "But he feels like he wants to stay in his room for a few days."

"Alone? Does that sound safe to you?"

"He says he's hiding." said Sam.

"From me?"

"No. Specifically not from you. That's what he wants to talk about."

"How is he? You've been with him all morning. Where do you think he is now, emotionally?"

"There's good news and bad. He's blaming himself for everything, talking like his existence puts us all at risk, struggling to believe he can ever break free of all this ... "

"Not hearing any good news?"

"The good news is he no longer seems to hate you and he's consciously trying to pull out of the downward spiral. He's just overwhelmed and he needs not to have to deal with everyone else in the bunker. I'm not saying we let him stay there alone forever, but for now, he thinks that's what he needs."

"Do you think he's right?"

"I think he's Dean. He knows what he needs and if we don't let him have his way, one day, the Impala will be gone and we won't have a clue where he is. I think this is for the best, for now. I have a plan for getting him out of there if we need to, but I say we give him some time."

"Fine. You know him a lot better than I ever can." said Cas.

"You both know him well." said Jack.

Cas smiled at him, then turned back to Sam "Any advice?" he said.

"Pick your words with care. Anything that can be heard as a criticism will be and he'll believe it."

"He's good at that."

"I don't think hes likely to turn on you today, he's back in control of his emotions, mostly, but remember that the angel stuff is still there, controlled and repressed and reasoned with, but still there."

"It would be hard to forget."

"But it is just that, Cas. Dean loves you as much as he ever did. If he says something or does something that makes it feel like he hates you, that isn't Dean."

"Thanks." said Cas, "And Sam, thanks for everything you're doing to hold us all together and to take care of Dean. I know I can't do much to help him right now. It helps a lot to know he has you."

"I'll do anything I can, for everyone." said Sam, "If you need to talk later, I'll be around."

"If you can spare the time now, Jack is interested in Jesse Turner." said Cas.

"The antichrist, Jesse Turner?" said Sam.

"I think he could be useful." said Jack.

"Finding him might be hard," said Sam, "But he certainly has potential."