Chapter 80.
Sitting on his bed, Dean barely heard Cas's tentative knock on his door. Cas came in and closed the door behind him, but stayed close to it, his height rendered less threatening with a deliberate slouching stance, his eyes downcast. Under other circumstances, it would have made Dean laugh, but there was nothing funny in the tension between them and Castiel's desperate attempt not to trigger Dean's paranoia.
"Sam said you wanted to see me." said Cas, his tone suggesting he didn't believe it.
"Yeah, thanks." said Dean, we need to talk." He immediately regretted his choice of words, needing and wanting to talk were very different things and he saw immediately that Cas had noted the difference. "Actually," he said, "I want to talk. There are things I want you to know."
The angel still hung around the door, watching him uncertainly. He was strangely relieved to realise that the uneasy behaviour was not awakening suspicion, but sympathy in him. "Come over here." he said, "Sit." He indicated the end of the bed.
Cas kept close to the wall on the way, but he walked to the foot of the bed and sat down. "At any time, if you feel uncomfortable ... " he said.
"Yeah, great." said Dean. It was making him uncomfortable already, but not because he felt threatened. It was the opposite. The very possibility that he might react that way was causing his friend distress.
He knew he needed to say something, but he also knew he was the last person who might hit upon the right thing to say and the first five choices that came to mind would only have made things worse.
"Sam and I think you should have these back." said Cas, offering him his angel blade and a handful of angel-killing bullets.
"Probably a bad idea." said Dean.
"I always think, if any two of us are in agreement, we're probably right." said Cas.
Dean took them from him and put them on the nightstand. "Hell of an act of faith." he said.
"You once handed me the First Blade, with the Mark of Cain arguing against it." said Cas, "I have reason to trust you."
"I gave them to Sam to protect you."
"Yes. I appreciate that." said Cas.
"And I'm only taking them back now because I don't want them." Their eyes met and the smallest hint of a smile appeared on Cas's lips. "I mean, I feel no need of them at all. Whatever hostility I felt toward you is gone. I feel I am no longer a threat to you."
"I feel the same way." said Cas.
"But I could be wrong. I could relapse. You're taking a risk."
"That you see it that way suggests I'm not." said Cas.
Dean was silent for a while, trying to decide what to say and how to explain that all he really wanted to do was bury his head under the covers and let the world go on without him until he could face it again. He was talking to someone who had endured far worse than he had and had not been such a coward. He was ashamed, but Cas understood shame, even if cowardice had no part in his life.
"I've told Sam I need to stay in here for a while." he said.
"He told me."
"He's okay with it."
"I'm not sure I am, because I think you need us more than ever."
"I do." Dean admitted.
"But Sam thinks you need to be alone and apparently, you'll still let him be around and I know that I can't help you anyway."
"You are helping me. Your patience, your understanding ... "
"Dean," said Cas suddenly, "The thought of you in here, running the same stupid thoughts through your stupid head ... "
"I know. It's not ideal." said Dean, surprised that the word stupid had not stirred up any anger.
"Not ideal? You intend to sentence yourself to solitary confinement in an echo chamber of self-blame."
Dean leant towards him and said quietly, "When I think of going out there, I break into a cold sweat. Out there are the people whose lives I put in danger by saying yes to Michael, people who may still die because of me. And if Jules were one of them, you would never forgive me."
"I will never forgive Michael for what Michael has done."
"Through me." said Dean.
"To you and to all of us." said Cas.
"It's weak and pathetic to hide, I know and you're not a coward ... "
That was met with a bitter laugh.
"You never ran from anything but love." said Dean.
"When have you ever run?"
"Right now. And whatever you say, you think I'm weak."
"Dean, I would personally make you a private cave to hide in for as long as you needed to, if you weren't planning to be in there with the one judge who will always condemn you."
"I've always been too easy on myself."
"Even you don't believe that." said Cas.
"I've made excuses for myself every step of the way."
"'I'm weak, I'm stupid and I'm a coward.' are not excuses. The only thing they have in common with excuses are that they are lies. You lie, Dean, constantly and heartlessly bearing false witness against yourself."
"How many times since I got back have I hurt you with my words or actions?"
"That doesn't matter."
"That's all that matters. I hurt the people I should be protecting."
"One more than all the others." said Cas.
"I know. You would have every excuse if you chose to hate me."
"What's your excuse for hating yourself?"
"I've met me."
Their eyes met again and this time, both grinned. "You're an idiot." said Cas.
"It's what I've been trying to tell you."
"I don't want yours to be the only voice in your head." said Cas, then he swiftly added, "I'm not talking about the mind link, I just mean ... "
"You mean you want to argue with me when I say things you think are unfair about myself."
"Exactly. But you're determined to shut yourself away in here."
"Not for long. I made Sam promise to drag me out when he feels I've wallowed too much." He looked at Cas for a long time and then said, "We can talk by text."
"We can, but we won't. You never tell anyone what's going through your head."
"That's not fair. I'm doin' better, these days. I'm doin' okay."
"You were, until Michael drove a truck through your psyche." said Cas.
"I can't help that, Cas." said Dean and that felt like an excuse too.
Cas put a hand on his shoulder, an instinctive act. Instantly, they both froze. Cas recovered first and withdrew the hand. "I'm sorry." he said, "That was stupid."
Dean shook his head, momentarily unable to speak. Cas was expecting him to lash out or back off and he would have expected that too, but instead, he wished the hand had not gone. The moment of connection had made him feel the same warmth, the same feeling of finally not being alone, that the mind link had given him and the reminder of the mind link had not been repellent, but nostalgic.
"It's okay." he said at last, "I'm okay with it. I'm just amazed that after all I put you through ... "
"Shut up, Dean. You saved me more than once. Nothing will ever make me your enemy, not Michael, not Lucifer, not all the hosts of Heaven. I have never betrayed Heaven ... "
"I know. Even Chuck has never cared for Heaven as you do."
"But I would break it, destroy it, grind it to dust for you. I will always choose you over all of them, because a thousand angels will never be worth what you are."
"You need to find a better saviour." said Dean, awed and frightened by the intensity of Castiel's devotion. He was not worthy ... could never be worthy.
"That's my point. There is no better saviour."
"I'm a mess, Cas and likely to remain one for some time. So I need to cower in here, just until I find the strength not to or that brother of ours loses patience and pulls me out."
"I don't like it, but Sam's right, we have to let you decide what you need, even if it seems really, really dumb and might make things a whole lot worse."
"I promise, I'll text. May even call. And I'll be honest, if I can. I may even call you in here to talk. It's not you I'm running from and I want to make that crystal clear. I can't say for sure that Ive conquered the hatred and suspicion Michael stirred up, but at this precise moment, I don't feel any of it."
"That's wonderful." said Cas.
"I give you my solemn promise, we will get through this and I mean all of it. We'll get back to the way we were. One day ... I don't know when, but one day, we will get the mind link back."
"You don't have to promise that, Dean."
"Yes I do. I want it back. I want us back. There will be a day when I am not a basket case and Michael is dead or caged forever and you and Sam can show me your damn castle and we can show Sam Bobby's place."
"Sounds good." said Cas.
"And then we'll focus on you and Jules and the fact that you still haven't cracked the case."
"What case?"
Dean laughed. "Sex, Cas. You're gonna have sex. Then, when you and Jules are over your issues ... "
"We don't have issues. It's a matter of timing."
"Whatever. Then we find someone for Sam. Has to be someone in the life. Even if we could protect a civilian, some faceless somebody would never work for him. He needs an equal."
"What about you?"
"Wash your mind out! We're brothers!" said Dean, smiling.
"I meant, where is your happy ending? We have to find you someone, don't we?"
"Nah. It's too late for that. Too old ... "
"I'm older, by aeons."
"Too selfish ... "
"No."
"Too set in my ways. Besides, the super hunter is for Sam. There won't be two like that in the world and I'm not settling for less than he gets. My happiness will be seeing you two happy and getting to babysit Sam's kids and teach them bad habits. That sounds like a pretty good life to me."
Cas nodded. "It certainly sounds better than the ending you used to think you'd get."
"Yeah, I am all kinds of positive today. Kinda makes me wonder why you need to worry about me."
"Habit, inclination, affection and experience." said Cas.
"Yeah, you have me on all of those. But it'll be okay. I promise. Today, I am weak and hiding. It could be tomorrow that I snap out of this and ... "
"You don't need to snap out of anything. Stop talking like you're just indulging some ... "
"Cas, you can't spin this as anything but cowardice."
"I will never call it that. You shouldn't either." said Cas.
"Thanks for always defending me."
"You can repay me by listening." said Cas.
"I'm trying. Now, if you need anything from me, tell Sam or text me. Keep an eye on Jack. He's worrying me a little. He says he's fine, but we all say we're fine. He's not a natural liar, but he is a natural Winchester. Keep him safe." He smiled. "I don't really need to tell you that, do I? You'll always take care of the kid. Take care of Sam, too. He acts like he's fireproof, but he's fragile. I told him to go see Sarah."
"He's not going anywhere until you're okay." said Cas.
"No, that's what I figured, so just be there, if he needs a friend."
"I will."
"We'll all get through this." said Dean.
Cas nodded.
"And you and Jules are definitely okay?"
"Yes."
"If, while I'm out of action, the opportunity arises ... "
"Focus on your recovery, not my sex life."
"Your sex life is probably more interesting and if it isn't, it damn well should be. Stop playing it safe and commit!"
Cas smiled. "I am as committed as it is possible to be. Sex isn't everything."
"No, it isn't. Just be happy, however you define that. You deserve happiness."
"So do you. I want you to call me if your thoughts get too negative. Don't just sit here, making up reasons to hate yourself."
"I'm not surrendering. I just need a break from battle." said Dean.
"I understand that feeling well. Take your break, but remember, you're never without allies."
"Thanks, Cas. I never needed them more."
The End.
Next story: Empty Promises.