There was a new brain scan after the 4th chemotherapy. Maura had endured what Jane secretly called hell on earth for almost two month and everybody was keeping their fingers crossed that the tumor had gotten smaller and that the doctors would operate it soon.

Despite Maura never really complaining, no matter how hard it was, they saw how she suffered. The weight loss was visible as well. And sometimes when Jane held the petites body against hers, she was scared to crush some of Maura's bones. The doc was freezing a lot, and everybody kept bringing her blankets and turning up the heat in the room.

Some days Maura needed the blinds to stay down because the light hurt her eyes and some days she only slept through the days.

Now as she was laying in the hospital bed, ready for the next exam, Jane thought how tiny her wife looked. She applied some cream onto the sprung lips after giving Maura some water. And held Maura's hand. Both were scared, only that Jane still had the power to mask her own fear with a reassuring smile while stroking over the bald head of Maura's.

The doc closed her eyes to her ministrations or to the pain and sighed. Jane recalled the day when Maura had silently handed her the razor after loosing many strands of hair. It had been without words that Jane had shaved her wifes head, biting back the tears, telling herself that one they when Maura was healthy again, they would grow back.

Sometimes staying positive proved to be hard to Jane. The day she had shaved the head had been one of the hardest, despite Maura saying that it wasn't the worst thing. But that was Maura. Always trying to make others feel better and never once complaining about her fate.

Jane realized that if we would have been in Maura's place she would have done the same. Just like Maura would have done the same Jane did. The brunette had no idea when she had slept an entire night in one piece for the last time.

She was trained to listen to all strange noises which happened in the bed next to her. Most of the time she woke up to find, that the doc was okay and lay awake for hours until she could fall back to sleep. But that was just the way it was. She rather had less sleep and made sure that her wife was okay, than the other way round.

Jane usually went to work, came home and sometimes spent hours feeding Maura who was too weak to hold a spoon a bowl of soup. "Come on baby. You need to eat. I know that it hurts. And I know that you feel nauseous, but you can do it." Things like these had became part of her daily vocabulary.

Besides taking care of Maura she also cared about the kids. The three girls were more than sweet. Playing a lot with Will who grew by the day.

All of these thoughts crossed her mind as they sat in the dull hospital room with the white walls, waiting for the head CT. Feeling endlessly tired Jane kept stroking the bald head, glad when the door finally opened, and a male nurse called Jack announcing that they were off to the CT department.

Jane could walk with Maura to the prep room. "I'm right here baby. Okay?" she whispered and locked eyes with the blonde. "I'm tired." Maura whispered and Jane nodded. "I know baby. You can sleep soon. Just this CT."

The doc nodded silently. Her eyes averting and coming back to Janes. "You should leave me." There was more determination in the small voice and Jane glanced at her in shock. "Excuse me? Why should I leave you?" she asked flabbergasted.

"I… this.." Maura licked her lips. "Its killing you." She whispered. A gentle smile crossed Janes face as she squeezed Maura's hand. "I love you Maur. Having to live without you is killing me."

"But what if I don't make it?" the doc asked worried.

"We wont talk about that. It won't happen. Look how far you've come."

"I'm so tired of fighting Jane." Maura's voice was tired and scared.

Jane noticed how the nurse turned his head. She asked herself how many of these conversations he had witnessed and if he was able to forget it when going home every day.

"Lets just see what the CT says." Jane murmured squeezing Maura's hand again before the nurse pushed Maura away into the room. To distract herself, Jane wandered to the café and bought herself a huge cup of steaming coffee.

Then she waited patiently in front of the prep room for Maura to be wheeled out. "Hey." She greeted with a gentle smile when the door finally opened, and the bed appeared. The nurse gave her a sympathetic glance.

"She seizured during the CT." he whispered that only Jane could hear it. Jane nodded and cringed. This wasn't the best sign of all. She reached for Maura's hand and walked beside her back to her room. They spent some time watching TV, Jane laying on Maura's bed, holding the doc tight until the docs appeared to speak the verdict.

The head of neuro showed an apologetic smile which already told Jane that the result wasn't as they had wished for. He told them, that they wanted to do two more rounds of chemotherapy. Which meant one more month until they would do the next CT. As much as Maura was fighting, the tumor seemed to be fighting harder.

Maura was asleep and Jane agreed to give her the news later. Worse were the news that they wanted to keep her in the hospital for at least the next round of chemotherapy. Janes heart sank. She was sure that this news would break Maura. Hence, she spent the next hours mulling over a way to tell Maura without hurting her too much. But she found none. At the end of the day the news were still devastating – no matter which words she would use or what she would say.

She felt tears rolling down her cheeks when Julia walked into the room with Amanda. Despite wiping them away quickly, she wasn't fast enough. Her daughter gave her a firm hug, understanding that it wasn't looking good.

Jane rubbed her eyes and told them the details. She agreed when Julia and Amanda offered to stay and call when Maura was awake.

After receiving the news she honestly needed some time to process herself. She drove home and stumbled upon her mother who was playing with Will. Sophie was sitting nearby and reading a book. Both recognized. None of them spoke when seeing Janes face. And the brunette walked upstairs to throw herself onto the king size bed to cry.

Angela wouldn't have been Angela if she hadn't checked on her daughter after a while and when she sat down to the edge Jane rolled away from her. She wasn't in the mood to talk. And she felt tired of being mature and all. She just needed a break for a break down before she could function again. And that's what she told her mother who understood. There were times when Angela would have insisted on staying and helping. But she had learned her lessons as well and silently left the room.

If Jane needed her, she knew where to find her. That was enough. Jane closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. She tried to do some of the exercises Maura had shown her long before they had gone separate ways. When they had been friends and Maura had meditated because fighting with Jane had been too exhausting for her.

The brunette rolled to her back and smiled softly at her memory. She glanced at the scars in the palm of her hands and thought about all the things she had survived. All the times she had started over, all the hurdles she had taken. Why shouldn't she survive this?

Sighing she accepted the pain and the bad news and reached for one of her duffle bags to throw some things into it which Maura would need when staying at the hospital. She began in the bathroom and worked her way systematically through the entire rooms until she ended with the socks.