Recipient: Cullen Edward edwardcullenemail
Sender: Bella Swan wutheringdepths87
Date & Time: 09/26, Mon, 00:23
Subject: How I'm doing? IDK
Hi Edward,
I can't sleep. I've been thinking things over a lot and thought I should let you know where I'm at I guess. IDK, it all feels awkward, but anyway, trying to be an adult about all of this.
Thanks for talking to me at the party last week and for asking Esme to help with the gardening. I hope I don't kill everything!
There are some things I need to get off my chest. I expect you to be grown up about this and not run away ok? Self pity doesn't help me, or make up for what I'm going to talk about, so please remember that.
Beyond my initial reaction of telling you to fuck off, I never really let you know what you put me through this summer. I feel like I owe it to both of us. We are moving on now and that is a very good thing, but I don't think it would be fair to either of us if I wasn't candid about the impact it had on me.
Of course initially I was incredibly angry and grossed out. I think this is understandable. You really hurt me by invading my privacy, I felt dirty and used. You made me cry a lot Edward. I also felt I had been made a fool of for trying to be nice to you in biology class, even when you mostly just sat there like a rabbit in headlights.
As the days passed I found myself feeling watched even within my own home and jumpy as a result. Whilst this has gotten better it was really horrible and I am still angry that I felt unsafe in my own home because of choices you made.
When I went out, I found myself checking my rear view mirror all the time to see if you were following me. I was really nervous I'd run into you in town and I'd have to deal with it. I ended up avoiding town quite a bit, which wasn't fun.
As much as I put up a front of being strong, you really frightened me Edward. I don't think I ever really believed you'd hurt me, but I was scared you'd try to force me to kiss you or something. I'm not worried about that any more, as you seem far more terrified of me than I ever was of you. Still, you should know that even though you felt powerless and unwanted, and that led you to behave like you did, you still had the power to scare me, regardless of your intentions.
I know you're sorry and I don't need you to apologise again. I want us to focus on working to move forwards, in full acknowledgement of what happened and how it impacted both of us. I think we are doing the right thing by trying to move forwards and grow.
Despite everything I enjoy your company and believe you are genuinely trying to change. I know it's uncomfortable, but, well, you made me uncomfortable, so I don't exactly feel bad about you feeling embarrassed about this tbh.
I am convinced now that you want to genuinely change and make it last. For me to really trust you it's going to be a long process. I gave you the benefit of the doubt before and got really burned, so this time you're going to have to prove yourself each step of the way I'm afraid. I won't torture you with it or keep throwing it in your face to make you feel guilty or anything, I'm just going to need more reassurance than I previously would have done.
To that end, you need to be honest and keep talking with me, even if that means answering difficult questions. You're naturally reserved and you should know that your social anxiety and shyness don't bother me. However, to build trust I need you to be communicative and open with me.
I'm not going to keep rehashing all of this, in fact I hope this email will allow me to leave it well and truly behind me. I'd rather focus on the future, on getting a great grade for our biographies and on learning about ourselves and each other.
I have come a long way since June in terms of letting go of my anger and I can see you too have grown. Let's keep it up and keep moving forwards, leaving the past in the past, ok? IDK if that makes sense as I've just talked about the past, but whatever. Hopefully you'll get what I mean.
Bella
Recipient: Bella Swan wutheringdepths87
Sender: Cullen Edward edwardcullenemail
Date & Time: 09/26, Mon, 01:07
Subject: Re: How I'm doing? IDK
Dear Bella,
Thank you for your email and for being so honest with me. I am sorry that you're having trouble sleeping, even months later.
You said you didn't want me to apologise, but I confess I feel compelled to. I wish I could make it so that it never happened, or make it up to you somehow. It seems only right to me that I should always feel sorry for what I've done.
Thank you for sharing with me in a fuller way the details of your feelings after my confession. I had feared that you would be experiencing something like that, though it is still mortifying to read. It almost stopped me from telling you at all, as ignorance is bliss in many ways and I had stopped before you ever knew what I had been up to. I felt you deserved to know the truth though, and I felt living a lie was an untenable position for me as well. I hope you feel I made the right decision in retrospect, despite the great distress it causes you.
I never intended to scare you, but my intentions were wholly selfish to the point that I did not consider how terrifying my actions would be to you. I am glad your fear is lessening, but feel horrible about what I have put you through.
When I told you, part of my thinking was driven by the desire to stop doing such vile things but knowing I did not have it in me at the time. Thankfully I do now. I thought that you would shun me and never speak to me again, and in a selfish kind of way, that this would put an easy stop to my depravity.
What has happened has been quite different from what I envisaged and has had a far more profound impact upon my character. I stole from you physically and metaphorically and in response you have given me so much.
The chance to reflect upon my actions, to reassess my attitudes to women and to learn to see others as whole human beings were not things I realised I could, or should do when I confessed. I was merely concerned with no longer behaving in a way that disgusted myself and was hurtful towards you. As a result of your continued communication with me, your bravery and grace, I have been able to start to grow for the first time in many years.
I cannot possibly thank you enough, or repay you for the positive impact this has had upon me. You are truly an exceptional person, far more so than I ever realised before. The finest person I have ever had the good fortune to meet.
I dearly hope I shall never stray so far in future that I need another chance to start over. I did not want to face the truth of myself, and once I did, I did not know how to continue living with it. You have shown me that I can though and I owe you everything for that.
I want you to know that if you ever need anything from me, I vow to provide it without hesitation, be that an honest answer, help with schoolwork or chores, or any other thing you might desire.
I am forever in your debt.
Yours sincerely,
Edward
From the desk of Edward. A. Cullen
A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! Edward's really grown so much. Don't worry, something will make him hiss again soon.