„Come on Maur, you got this!" Jane said when they were talking about the results later that day. "I know that your tired. So am I. And its no wonder after the past weeks. But they say that the tumor has gotten smaller. Just not enough. You can fight this!"
Maura was glancing at Jane through glossy eyes. Signs of a fever that had taken over her body during the day. Jane felt guilty for giving her a prep speech. But she wouldn't do so if she hadn't the feeling that Maura could do it. Her gut told her that they weren't far from the operation. Of course, it wouldn't be the end of treatment. But every goal reached was a step closer back to life.
She crawled into bed to hold Maura tight. The doc was shivering under two blankets and despite wearing a knitted hat. Her mother had made a whole series of them in various colors and Maura very often used them to express her state or mood.
Today she had changed from green to black. They had decided to keep her in hospital because the fever and her inability to eat properly. Now she was being fed through a tube which felt like a step back in everything when in reality the tumor was really getting smaller.
Jane held her as tight as she could and nuzzled her head into the blonde's neck. Maura formed the little spoon like she always did over the past weeks, staring blankly at the white wall. It felt as if the spirit to fight and the will to life had left her body.
The brunette had read that it was normal for patients with tumors to undergo these phases. She wondered if a psychologist might be able to help Maura. She had also read that she needed to keep a perspective for Maura, keep telling her that she had a chance. If there wasn't any left she would let go of her but they weren't there yet. And the doctors had stated that it hadn't gone as planned which didn't mean that it wouldn't.
Maybe after one or two more chemotherapies they would dare to open her skull to take the beast out. Jane felt Maura suddenly relax into her arms and sighed deeply. "You have me?" Maura asked the obvious. And Jane said that she would always have her. She felt Maura shift deeper into her. A pile of bones that was seeking for shelter.
"Your gut?" Maura finally dared to ask the question.
"Says that you can do it." Jane felt tears burning in her eyes. She was so proud of her wife who slowly gathered some strength. And some relief was playing into it as well.
Maura's hand reached for Janes to squeeze it. "I am stronger than the beast?!" Half question, half statement. "You are!" Jane firmly said and kissed her neck. "Okay." Maura said in a faint voice and Jane knew that she was going to fight. And she herself was going to do everything she could to support her.
R&I
The next chemotherapy was pushed back due to Mauras raging fever and physical weakness. But when they attached it to her arm, the doc was in much better spirits, wearing her green hat. She had agreed to participate in a trial of a new medication about nauseousness and it seemed to work fine. By the end of the week, she was able to eat on her own and enjoyed some of Angela's homemade lasagna during the visit of the whole family.
The decision was taken to keep Maura in hospital until the second chemotherapy was done and when it was time for the next CT, they couldn't wait to see the results. Although this time they were notable less optimistic, almost expecting to hear that she needed more.
Jane walked her to the prep room again. She kissed her before she was brought into the Ct and waited patiently outside. Today the girls had joined them while Angela was taking care of Will at home.
When the doctors walked into Maura's bedroom which had gotten decorated with drawings, flowers and pictures in the meantime, they were smiling genuinely. "You did it!" the head of neuro smiled widely. "We will make an appointment for your operation after checking the or schedule."
Maura gave up a deep sigh and her tear filled eyes wandered to Janes who was holding her hands firmly. They smiled at each other and Jane felt one of the girls squeezing her shoulders.
After the docs had left, everybody cheered. Jane saw that Maura was going to say something about the risks of this operation but was glad when she didn't. They all knew what could go wrong if someone cut around your brain with a scalpel. They didn't need to discuss it. Maura had to be awake during the procedure and they had already asked if Jane could go into the or with her to hold her hand.
It was usually forbidden but somehow the docs had developed a soft spot for the family and agreed. Janes task would be to keep Maura calm and talk to her to measure if they were doing good. If they made a mistake they would notice and try to undo it as quick as possible. If possible. But Jane didn't want to think about it right now.
One step after the other she reminded herself and smiled at Maura who changed from green to yellow. Sunny hat, she had once explained. It meant that she was feeling very optimistic and beig in a good mood.
"Yay!" Jane cheered and Maura rolled her eyes playfully.
R&I
The operation got scheduled for two days later. It would probably last more than 15 hours, and the doctors suggested for Maura to go home in the meantime. Hence, Jane opened the door for her on a late autumn afternoon and smiled as Maura slipped into the car.
Because many people were making Maura tired the family kept to themselves. Frankie and Nina would have wanted to visit as did Angela, but they all understood and send Maura wishes via WhatsApp.
It was the night before the operation that Jane felt Mauras hand wandering over her body. Thinking at first that Maura just wanted to caress her she moaned when the blonde's fingers cupped her breasts, and the doc began kissing her neck.
They made love for the first time in ages and Jane did her best to show Maura that she still found her sexy, despite the weight loss and bald head. Maura took the gesture in with a soft and grateful smile.
It was a time when they didn't talk much but rather showed each other their love and passion. They were both relaxed when they drove back to the hospital, the night prior to the big operation. And Jane held her tight the whole night until it was time to raise and get ready.
The brunette admired Maura who wasn't nervous at all, when she got moved to the operation room with all the bright lights and instruments. Jane was scared to faint when hearing and smelling things, but tried to stay strong for the blonde.
"Are you ready?" finally came the question from one of the docs and both – Maura and Jane – nodded after exchanging a quick look and smile. Jane took Maura's hand and it strangely felt as if Maura was holding hers for support than the other way round. Their fingers entwined as the doctor made the first cut before asking for the bone saw.
Maura watched the procedure on a monitor which was hanging on the opposite side of the room from her, right next to the clock. Jane didn't dare to even glance at it. But Maura began commenting with medical terms.
"Is it okay if I do so?" she asked after a while and one of the doctors told her that yes. A smile audible in his voice. Hence, Maura continued, keeping focused on the screen as if this wasn't her brain they were working on.
All the while their fingers kept entwined and Jane kept looking at Maura and the doctors.
It was five hours into the operation when the head of neuro finally announced that they were at the tumor. It was the first time that Jane glanced at the monitor as well to see a small mass that was distinctively different to the surrounding mass by being a bit redder and encapsuled.
"If it wasn't a tumor, I would almost say its beautiful." Maura murmured and Jane felt another squeeze of hand. The head of neuro rolled his head in his neck before beginning with the task to take it out.
It took hours to separate the tumor at the few places it was attached to the rest of the brain. And it was almost 15,5 hours into the operation when the beast was in his hands. "We got it completely!" he said triumphantly after checking Maura's head.
And Jane felt tears rolling down her cheeks when she heard the words. Maura looked as if she couldn't believe it. "Its out baby!" Jane stated at Maura who was still puzzled. Getting a creepy feeling Jane looked in panic to the doctors.
The head of neuro nodded. "It's a normal reaction. Besides she has been living with it for a while. The brain still kind of misses it." But to make sure he let one of the other doctors walk around and do some exams. Maura followed the light, which was shown into her eyes, she showed normal reaction. And Jane couldn't believe that the loss of the tumor could affect her in such a way. She had expected Maura to jump off the chair or show some monumental gesture.
"I'm fine." Maura said a bit annoyed at the fuss which was made around her. "Its just strange. It feels as if something is missing and wrong." The doc reached for the bowl with the tumor which looked bigger on the outside of her brain and let her have a look.
"Crazy." Maura stated. "I have phantom pain on my missing tumor." She began to chuckle, and Jane felt relief when they began closing her wife up.
"How do you feel Dr. Isles?" the head of neuro asked once they had bandaged her head. "Strange. I can't believe that its really out. I'm tumor free. I can't believe it!" Maura rambled and he grinned. "Yeah. Let's do a bit more therapy and keep an eye on you. But congratulation. You did a great job! Especially fighting through the hard times."
Jane nodded. "Yes, she did. I'm so proud of you Maur." They smiled at each other and Jane realized that she too had a hard time believing that the tumor was really gone. "do you want to take it home?" the head of neuro chuckled as they all glanced into the bowl and Jane shrieked when Maura made a show of considering. "gotcha!" Maura said triumphantly when seeing Janes face. Then she turned to the doctor and shook her head. "No, thank you. I don't want to see this ever again."