02/27/2021

I had a very strange week, sigh and I ended up deleting the original 25k chapter wrote this out tonight. If there are mistakes just gloss over it. Writing sap helped me out of my funk I was in. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend :)

Chapter song: Lovesong - Adele

Chapter 84 - Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again

Friday, October 2nd, 2020.

APOV

I walk back from the ensuite bathroom towards our bed where Christian is on his phone, typing furiously. He puts it away the moment I'm about to climb back in under the covers.

"Why did you button up your front?"

I'm taken aback by his observation. I actually don't remember doing it. God, is this the beginning of pregnancy brain? "Uh, I don't know. Felt weird."

"Take off your dress." He orders me."I want you naked!" I do not like his tone right now.

"What? Why? Christian, we're not having sex." I groan and get in before he can protest further, snuggling in closer to him. "You're so warm, Mr. Grey."

"And you're cold, I need to warm you up." He teases and tries to get frisky with me again but I stop him.

"You know, you should be so grateful this isn't a traditional South Asian wedding otherwise you probably wouldn't have seen me for a week or even more."

"What do you mean?"

I tell him how Nani had to disappear from view for almost three weeks and that every day she had to apply uptan or as some people call it haldi, which is a turmeric and gram flour based natural skin mask concoction meant to enhance the bride's and in some cases the groom's beauty. I laugh as I tell him. He missed out on the extra pre-events during Kiran and Daniel's wedding along with Aashu's so I pulled out pictures and showed him.

"Holy fuck that looks brutal." He reacts when I show him a video of me really aggressively lapping haldi on Daniel's face and rubbing some on his hair.

I laugh and I'm immediately hit with sadness at how it's all ended but Christian mistakes it for my inability to have these events. I've tried to contact him several times but have not heard back. He's talked to Karan twice, the divorce is going through but he's just pissed off and hurt. I hate that he's feeling this way and I wish we could get the chance to talk. He knows we're getting married, I sent him an email with an invitation saying that I would love to see him but again no reply.

"Nani told me the reason for keeping the brides out of view and slapping this on their skin everyday for long periods of time was so that when the bride finally did emerge on her wedding day she'd be glowing. I was like, girlfriend, she's glowing cause she got no vitamin D in her system. She's a vampire." We both laugh.

"We could've had something similar if you wanted but you never asked me."

"I know but it's okay." I smile at him. "The culture in general and the family is really big on being touchy feely and I didn't want to put you in that position. Except for Nita, everyone just thinks it's a cultural thing that you're not into overtly physical affection." He frowns a little. "Christian, it's honestly okay. Besides, this gets really messy, what we're having tonight is my favorite family tradition so I'm happy and I'm getting to wear eastern clothes and eat my favorite foods. I'm really happy." I assure him.

"Besides, I'm not really South Asian. If I were marrying someone who was from the culture then yeah I would've had the 15 different events or whatever."

"Would you have really married someone from the culture if we hadn't met or worked out?"

I look at him and I wonder if I should truthfully answer this question. A few seconds pass and he's staring at me, waiting for an answer.

"The last time I told you something like this, you became a sourpuss and spanked me."

"And you liked it." He narrows his eyes at me with mirth. "You even let me fuck you."

"Nice try." I laugh. "Are you sure you won't go all fifty shades on me if I tell you the truth given that I'm literally wearing your ring, marrying you tomorrow and pregnant with your babies?"

He takes a few seconds and nods but I suspect he's bracing himself for some explosive revelation given the look on his face.

"Yes. I would have." I start. "I had this arbitrary timeline I guess, that if by 28 I didn't meet anyone, desi or non-desi, that would end up being serious enough then I would've told Nita that I'd be open to being introduced to some potential suitors."

His jaw tightens a little but he tries to keep his expression impassive.

"There's a pretty decent South Asian crowd in Seattle California and New York. And had I gone down that route, not to toot my own horn cause I'm like amazing–" I giggle and flip my hair. "No but in reality, just by association to the family I've would've gotten the top suitors in the game."

"I see." He says tightly. "And you would've been happy? What about that fucker? Wouldn't have he tried to sabotage it?"

I shrug. "I hadn't thought that far, it was just an idea. As for being happy? I think so. Had I married someone of the same faith and given that there are a lot of things in the culture that I love, that sense of belonging would've been enough but thankfully I never have to find out." I give him a small kiss.

"Does it bother you? Not marrying someone who shares the faith as you?"

"If it did, I wouldn't have been with you to begin with. It's a private endeavor for me Christian. It gives me peace and yes it's also something I share with some members of the family in terms of traditions."

He nods and goes quiet for a while. He once asked me why I always pray in private whenever I do and I explained to him that it was a very profound experience for me and that I just preferred to be alone even though he'd seen Nani pray in her chair whenever it was the appropriate time of day. Not that I follow through with the five daily prayers but whenever I want to, I require complete privacy. I think it bothers him that there's something I don't share with him but then again, I've never prayed in front of anyone since I first learned how to.

"I can't believe you would've gone for an arranged marriage." He finally speaks again. "It seems so, archaic. Not that I ever thought of that shit for myself before but I understood that the decision making process at least required the idea of love and consent"

"Well, yes it's true in some cases the consent is under duress and it still happens in smaller villages or feudal families but normally, it's just two families meeting and giving their kids the go ahead to date and get to know each other. That's what it would've been like for me. It would've been an introduction and then you see if it goes anywhere otherwise, on to the next. As for the love part, it either happens immediately or it grows."

"Yeah but, I guess… take Nani and Nana for example, they had an arranged marriage, were they really allowed to date? Not to mention testing the care before you drive it for life?"

"I know the no sex before marriage part can be a real doozy. What if the guy is a complete idiot and unsatisfying fuck? Tragedy." I muse and look up through the skylight. "Nani told me that back in her day and before, some families would hang the bedsheet from their roof for people to see that the bride was indeed a virgin on her wedding night. Fucked up and mortifying if you ask me."

"Did that happen to her?"

"Oh, hell no but I do know for a fact that there are some families in sub-continent to this day who expect the groom to literally come out of his room after performing the deed and confirm that the bride was a virgin. Like people be waiting it like some primetime special announcement. It's ridiculous."

"I can't…" He shakes his head in disbelief. "I still can't wrap my head around the whole formal arranged marriage shit and now you tell me this. I thought shit like that happened in the medieval times or something."

"It's not all that formal. They were introduced to each other when Nana and his family went to meet hers– they sort of already knew of each other in society. Nani was the youngest in the family, she had five older brothers, all married and with kids. She was 19 and he was 31."

"She was a teenager, Ana." Christian shakes his head again.

"I know but it's how things happened back then. We can sit here and dissect it but it worked out for them. They were very happy. Like, the event we're having tonight, it's something we did for Rania's wedding, both members of the immediate families and close friends got together at the Scott Street house and we shared stories about how all the couples met and of course embarrassing ones of the bride and groom. Nana and Nani shared how they met and it was so sweet."

"He swept her off her feet or was he not allowed?" Christian smirks.

"More like she knocked him off of his. You met Aisha Hasan, she was a force to be reckoned with." I laugh. "They way he described was, I mean it was straight up poetry, the man had game while Nani was sitting there blushing and waving him off as he told the story. The translation won't do it justice but he said something to the effect of that seeing her walk in was like experiencing Spring. She was wearing this peach eastern ensemble and she had long hair and he was like, her hair reminded him of finding shade and the cool breeze from the hot scorching sun. That her skin glowed like the moon and her cheeks blushed the colors of spring roses."

"Abdul Karim laid it on thick." Christian laughs.

"Oh yeah, the man was smitten. He remembered the jewelry she was wearing, that she had kohl in her eyes and how confidently she carried herself when they were alone. Once she was done offering them tea, they were allowed to go out into the courtyard and talk with a chaperone of course. They sat a considerable distance across from each other and talked a little but Nani straight up told him that even though she went to finishing school, she wanted to keep studying and be an equal in the marriage. If he had a problem with that he could eff off."

Christian laughs out loud. "I can imagine her saying that."

"Yep, no one messes with Aisha Hasan. The next day, they got a message saying that Nana's family was interested and wanted to move forward with marriage but Nani again took her sweet ass time, she did this prayer for like a divine thumbs up before saying yes herself."

He raises an eyebrow. "Divine thumbs up?"

"Yeah, it's called an Istikhara and you do it before making life altering decisions. Moving to another country, starting a business, getting married, stuff like that. You're not supposed to do it for like, small time shit." I explain and further tell him that after performing the prayer some people have a dream, some wake up with a feeling of determination and some have to keep reciting the prayer as the days pass by before they get the feeling that helps them make the decision–like meditation and manifestation in a way.

"Wait, so you actually believe this?" He sounds shocked and amused.

"Yeah. Look, everyone has different experiences with it but in the end it helps you find peace with whatever decision you make. For example, when she prayed she had a very good dream about marrying Nana. She saw a garden in bloom. Before Alia Khala and Nita got married the first time, she saw nothing and she also felt nothing but also, it wasn't her place to stop those marriages since both were adults and we see how all that ended. It's different for everyone."

"Have you ever done it?"

"Yeah. Twice." I reply.

"And?"

I shrug, wondering if I should really tell him when and why I did this.

"I did it once the Spring before college and once after we met." I tell him and reluctantly meet his gaze. His face is impassive but he asks me to continue. "The first time I did was right after I got the college acceptance letters and had told him that I wanted to go to WSU. Then as you know he lost his shit and left. The meeting with the DA in New York was shortly after. I had done the prayer and waited for the dream but nothing happened and then I kept reciting it throughout the days that followed and I also kept emailing him, asking for forgiveness but nothing. Then I woke up one day and had this feeling of absolute determination that I had made the right choice in wanting to move away and distance myself from the family to grow my life."

"I'm torn between agreeing with that and not." He replies. "Because, maybe if you hadn't left then you wouldn't have gone through that, we also wouldn't have met or–"

"Well, I think we have met eventually given Kiran and Daniel getting married I suppose; however, if I had not left then I think it would've happened in some other way, probably not as brutal but…" I shrug. "In the end it worked out, I guess."

"Why did you do it after we met?"

"Because once I got back to San Francisco, I felt very unsure of myself." I confess. "We were in this bubble and I was in this sex haze and I thought I was being an idiot. Plus I was so tired and sore from everything, I just needed a vacation." I giggle.

"What do you mean you were sore?"

"Um, from the sex and weekend in general?" I look up at him sheepishly.

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me, Ana? Jesus." He runs his hand through his hair, closing his eyes and his jaw tenses.

"Oh relax, I wanted the sex." I tease. "I didn't know if I was ever going to get any again, so I stocked up on the complimentary shit, ya know?"

"Are you seriously comparing me to hotel toiletries?"

"Only the super expensive kind. The shit that stores don't sell… oh and fluffy towels and towel robes and the fancy complimentary breakfast of course." I laugh. He shakes his head in exasperation and fails to hide his smile. I give him a long deep kiss and tell him that I love him.

"Did you really not trust me when I told you I loved you at the resort that weeked?"

"I did but I was… I thought that this would end badly. You were my boss and I thought maybe I was being the cliche. I half-wondered if you had slept with anyone at GEH and the contractual relationships bomb you dropped on me was also swirling through my brain."

"Why didn't you just ask me?" He tucks a lock of hair behind my hair.

"I was scared." My voice breaks, I look up at him and give him a wistful smile. "I felt really small and silly after I got back. I had these really strong feelings and a part of me was convinced it was just because we were in a bubble and I also was reaching my breaking point and needed to tell Nani. So I did the prayer and I had a dream." Tears fall from my eyes and I wipe them away laughing. "Fuck, I am not supposed to cry at this shit, it's the hormones I swear."

He kisses my forehead and asks me to tell him more.

"I've always had this recurring dream since I woke up from my coma, I think it's from my accident. I feel really cold and I can see the clear starry night with red and blue flashes in my periphery. That was it but that night, I had the recurring dream and the starry night turned pitch black and the lights faded away and it was absolutely dark, I felt like I was in the abyss and lost, couldn't speak or move or see and then slowly, very slowly the pitch black started to change like a glowing ember and it was like suddenly witnessing the sun rise but I couldn't see the sun, I just saw the sky change color as if I was lying on my back like before and it turned into a bright blue sky and it was warm, I could speak and move and I was in a field with a river nearby with clear water and an apple tree." I take a deep breath. "I told Nani about it and she asked me what I had prayed for and I told her it was about you and that I was asking for strength in general. She told me that it meant that it was going to have a period of difficulty, given the pitch black and abyss and then watching the sky change and waking up in a field with the clear water were good signs. It meant growth and a fruit tree means a life full of blessings . So I told her about him and she believed me then when the BDSM stuff came out I thought that was the abyss part of our relationship, till everything that happened at Aashu's wedding and after."

He holds me tight but doesn't say anything.

"She told me that when the doctors in Olympia had told Nita to pull the plug on me, Nita had flat out refused but Nani did the same prayer. I had no brain activity and it was a matter of just prolonging something that wouldn't ever change– anyway, she did the prayer holding my hand and when she went back to the hotel and slept, she had the dream about us and the life I would have. So that's when they made the decision to move me to SF." I'm a crying and blubbering mess now. "I know it seems really weird but it's never let us down and I really believe in it since it's given me what I needed the very few times I've needed it."

"I'm glad you do." He says with a heavy voice and holds me close.

"I really wish they were all still alive to see this. It seems unfair and empty without them." I mumble into his neck while he rubs my back to soothe me.

CPOV

"I just realized something."

"What?"

"You said no sex 24 hours before the wedding." I remind her.

"Yeah, and?" She looks at me with a puzzled expression.

"It's just past 12pm. Our wedding technically takes place after 3pm tomorrow. Which means I've got three more hours till the 24 hour countdown starts. Based on that logic alone, I should get to fuck you as much as I want till then."

"But—"

"Don't ever try to worm your way out of this. You said 24 hours last night." I glare at her and she gives me a sheepish smile.

"You know for a college dropout you're kinda smart."

"And you kinda need to shut up and let me have my fun." I mutter

She laughs and nods, pulling me closer for a kiss. We lock ourselves in a slow sensual rhythm of taking each other's clothes off, leaving heated kisses on each other's skin. Her hands roam freely before she locks herself around me and pulls on my hair begging for me to slide inside her.

But first, I need to make sure my girl is taken care of. Moving down her body, I go to work, making sure I make her come with my tongue. Once she does, I then slide into her. She's warm and ready for me and it takes everything in me to maintain control and not to lose myself like an inexperienced teenager.

"Please move." She whispers. But I refuse, wanting to draw this out for as long as I can, completely buried in her unlike we've been able to for the past few weeks since her birthday. "Christian!"

When I don't comply with her request she huffs and giggles, bringing her hand down to touch herself. "Fine, then I'll just have to get creative."

I laugh and challenge her. I may be in the dominant position but she's the one fucking me. I watch her shallow movements as her body subtly writhes beneath me and she moans between kisses, clamping down on me that I groan at the sight, sound and feel of her taking what she needs from me in this moment.

"Touch me, Chrisian. Lose yourself inside me. I want to hear you, I want to feel you." She whispers. Fuck! If that isn't a turn on. "You know you want to." She challenges

Truth is, I'm torn in between wanting to be rough and gentle. Dr. Greene mentioned that with twins it's best to err on the side of caution.

"I don't want to hurt you." I tell her.

"You won't." She kisses me with her palm resting on my face for assurance. "You've never hurt me."

"I won't be gentle, Anastasia." I warn her. "I'm going to fuck you, very hard." And I may not be able to stop.

Her breathing hitches. She bites my earlobe, slowly sucking on it and I know she's game.

"I can't wait, Sir."

I pull out and slam in hard causing her to scream out. Her head drops back lazily, eyes closed while biting her lip and she hums in satisfaction with a blissful look on her face.

"Look at me while I fuck you."I command, grabbing the nape of her neck, forcing her to look at me. Her eyes open immediately, remain fixed on mine and I begin to thrust into her. I watch the flush in her cheeks deepen in color before she pulls me close for kiss and moans, allowing my tongue to dominate her further.

"Harder, fuck me harder." She pants.

"This is what you want isn't it?

"Oh god, yes… fuck…. Christian please…. "

"Tell me baby, tell me what you want."

"Don't stop, please don't stop." Her voice is an urgent and pleading whisper while her body is on the verge of letting go.

All too soon, she comes and cries out my name but I don't stop, continuing only to watch her build up again. I need more.

I grunt against her lips. "Come on baby, one more for me." She slowly opens her eyes and bites my lip, smiling before locking me in a kiss.

When I find my release in time with her orgasm, I hold her tight, burying my face in her neck as she falls apart around me.

APOV

The full weight of Christian's body is on me as he comes down from the high of our collective orgasm. His body riddled with aftershocks and even though the sounds of us breathing are all that I hear, the loud and incoherent roar of his voice still lingers in the air long after he's calmed down and gotten comfortable in my embrace.

Something's on his mind. I'm the loud and vocal one in the relationship when it comes to sex but I know when something is on his mind he tries to hold back and even if he doesn't, he comes with a force that leaves my body winded.

"What's wrong, Christian?" I ask, letting my fingers lightly dance through his hair.

"Nothing." He replies and tries to move away from me but I don't let him and he exhales deeply before I feel him shake his head slightly. "I've missed you. We haven't just laid around like this or talked like we usually do since all this wedding business."

His words tug at my heart. I've been completely immersed in wedding planning and he's been at GEH so that when we're gone away for our honeymoon–which is only a week because I refuse to miss the potential birth of my goddaughter– we can really switch off. If Ava is a diva like her mother, she may decide to show up early and I don't want to be halfway around the world. So we're going to Cabo and then we'll take a longer honey/mini-moon around New Years to make up for the craziness of last year. We're still working on where we want to go and we'll figure it out eventually.

"I've missed you too."

He lifts his body to look down at me. "You have this life where so many people can give you what you need. They make you laugh, comfort you, feed you and–" He pauses and his lips press into a thin line for a second as I'm sure he's pondering over how to complete his sentence. "When we're like this, close, watching and hearing you need me, because I'm the only one who can give you this but it's all I can do. I look to you for everything while I'm inadequate, I can't give you everything that the others give you as much as I try."

His words bring tears to my eyes. Is that how he really feels or has been feeling these past few weeks? The wretched BitchTroll's face flashes before me and the lies she's told him blare through my mind. The lies of him only being good for sex and his money–beating the lies of incapability of normalcy into him. My heart begins to ache– or maybe it's the revelations from all that I've shared with him since we came into the room. I can't tell.

"You're everything to me. You're my happiness, my best friend, my peace, my shelter from the world." He draws circles on my cheek. "You're home."

"Christian." I croak. "If you wanted round two, all you had to do was ask." I said with a teary smile and shakes his head with a laugh.

"You've given me the most important things I didn't have. Yes, I have all these people in my life but they're my family, friends and I couldn't really enjoy them till you came along. With you I became brave over time. I'd never been in love before you, you gave me that. You love me and cherish me in a way no other man can. You've given me our babies, something no one else can. You pretty much sailed to the top of the list when it comes to important people in my life and ya didn't even have to sign a contract but tomorrow I trap your ass for good measure." I smile.

He grins wide like he's won the lottery and we kiss.

"Please don't doubt your ability to give me what I need. Us like this, is completely ours. It can't be replicated with anyone. You're my home too. It's just that I like going out for adventures with other people from time to time, that way I can bring home fresh gossip to tell you." I giggle and he chuckles before kissing me again.

"I do love gossip, Miss Steele."

"You call arranged marriage archaic but you know, technically… If we think about it, we, too, only knew each other for like five minutes before we got busy." I pause for a moment at the implication. "At least back then they made it legal before getting into the sheets. I'm a hoe."

Correction: I'm a shameless hoe.

Christian snorts. "No you're not."

"Yeah, I am. I barely knew you, you were my boss and I slept with you. And you slept with an employee." I gasp incredulously and animatedly for dramatic effect. "We're both hoes."

Christian snorts again, shaking his head.

"Actually, hold up! I take that back. Elliot and Kate are the President and First Lady of the Republic of Hoe. We're the Vice President and Second Lady." I tell him. He slowly turns to look at me and we both laugh.

"I think this is the only scenario where I'm okay with letting Elliot be President of something."

"He's already President of the sibling club. He's the oldest."

"He has the brain of a five year old."

"You still love it. You grump." I snuggle in closer and he holds me tight.

I feel him smile against my temple before kissing me. "Don't tell him that."

I take a deep breath and cuddle with him a little more. "What time is it?"

"Almost 12:45."

I yawn. "Hmm, okay, I think I should nap."

"I told you sex would will lead to a nap. You were wired before."

"Just because I said you were smart for a college dropout doesn't mean you have to gloat. Now sshh! The mothership needs to power down."

He chuckles and pulls the duvet over to tuck me in some more. I snuggle against him with my back to his front and he holds me close. "Sleep baby. Wake up whenever you want to."

"Don't know about that. I'm a bride, I've got a list of things to do before tonight." I reach to grab my phone and put an alarm for 2:45pm." A two hour nap should be good.

I don't know how much time passes but I wake to hear banging on the door, it's not aggressive but it's shallow and in quick succession.

"AANA KHALA, CHRISTIAN KHALU…. I'M HERE." I hear Aria enthusiastically announce herself with Rania's voice in the distance scolding and then taking her away. I smile at the thought of her being here and being excited about the wedding.

"Don't you dare get up." Christian grumbles into my hair. "This is my time."

"Good luck when the twins get to this age then."

"I'll pay the little intruders." He mumbles, moving his lips to my neck and grabbing my breast. "If they know what's good for them, they'll never dare interrupt my time with you."

"Dream on, Grey. Dream on." I giggle.

A/N: These two are so sappy and gross but I have missed them. Rania and Aria have arrived, let us take a moment to pray for everyone's sanity. The next chapter will pick up from a few hours after nap time. CG will have jokes to tell about Ana!