Hello everyone! Hope you all are doing well and having a great week so far. I've got the next chapter here for you all, but I apologize for it being a little late today, it took me a little longer than usual to revise this one, so that's why it's posted a little later. But luckily I was able to get it done for you all. Also, there's something I wanna talk about with you all, but it's down at the end of the chapter, so just be on the lookout for that.
Oh and lastly, I want to take a moment to thank you all for the kind words you all left me on the last chapter. Especially after that one not so nice review, it truly meant more to me than you know. I wish I had a way to thank you all individually, but I don't, so this is the best I can do. But really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I appreciate you all so much.
I hope you enjoy this one. Thank you so much for reading.
EIGHTY SIX
"Where do we start?"
Gabby watched the man across from her raise his eyebrows slightly, like he wasn't entirely expecting that question. But just as quickly as the look covered his face, it was gone, Adrian tilting his head to the side before responding.
"Wherever you want." He replied simply, though based on her immediate reaction, the therapist could tell that wasn't entirely the answer she was looking for. "Remember Gabby, this is for you… It's whatever you wanna talk about." He reminded her, the woman drawing in a deep breath before she nodded, her eyes moving down towards her lap away from him, as she wasn't sure what to say.
Though she appreciated him letting her take the lead, it wasn't entirely helpful in a situation like this, as she wasn't sure how to even begin a conversation like this. Let alone did she know how much she actually wanted to share. Though, in the back of her mind she knew it wasn't so much what she wanted to do, and more so what she felt like she should do. If this was based solely on what she wanted, there was a decent chance she wouldn't have even come here at all.
But now that she was here, she knew they had to talk about something. Even if he meant what he said, and he wouldn't pressure her to talk about things she didn't want to, they still couldn't just sit here in silence for an hour. Although if she had to guess, Adrian would sit here in silence for that long if that's what she chose to do. But just because it was something he didn't mind, Gabby was sure she wouldn't be able to do it.
Which is exactly why she knew she needed to speak up. She just didn't know where to start.
From the chair in front of her, Adrian could sense her uncertainty as her eyes stayed glued down to her lap, Gabby wringing her hands together while refusing to look his way. She was closed off, just as she had been from the moment she got here, and while his usual philosophy was to let his patients open up to him when they were ready, in all his years on the job he was well aware of how no two people reacted the same way in this situation. What worked for some didn't work for others, and there were plenty of times he'd had to nudge them in the right direction.
And, if their time together so far was any indication, Gabby fell under the category of people who needed a little extra help.
Breathing in deeply, Adrian glanced down towards his notepad once again to look over the little written down already as he gave Gabby a few more moments to see if she'd be ready to speak up on her own. But when minutes passed in complete silence, Adrian took that as a sign he'd need to be the one to get things started.
And there was one thing in particular he was very curious about.
"Can I ask you something?"
Gabby looked up when she heard his voice, an unreadable expression on her face as they locked eyes with one another before she slowly nodded, that being the only confirmation he needed before continuing.
"What brought you here?" He questioned, confusion soon written across her features as she clearly wasn't sure what he was asking her, Gabby's spine straightening involuntarily as her eyebrows furrowed. "I just mean… Was this your decision, to come here? Is this something you wanted to do?"
Her body relaxed slightly once she understood what he was saying, as for a moment she thought he was wanting to know the reason she had come to therapy at all, which certainly wasn't letting her set the pace. But the more he spoke, the more she realized the true meaning of his words, Gabby drawing in a slow, deep breath before shrugging softly.
"I… I don't know, really." She answered honestly, Adrian not giving her much to go off of as he merely nodded, the man staying quiet for a moment before he continued.
"You don't know if this is something you want to do or not? Or you don't know why you decided to come?" He pressed, his words holding no judgement as he was truly just trying to understand, Gabby pursing her lips together as she looked back down towards her lap.
"The first one, I guess… Maybe a little of both." She replied uncertainly. "...I don't know. But probably more that I'm not sure if this is something I want to do."
"Alright." He answered softly, Adrian giving her a small smile to try and help her stay relaxed. "I totally get that, doing something like this for the first time- I'm guessing you haven't done this before?" He cut himself off to get clarification, Gabby looking back up at him before shaking her head in response. "Yeah, so doing something like this for the first time, especially when it's not your idea, that can be a lot to wrap your mind around." He told her, the therapist waiting for any sort of response from her before he kept going, which he soon got in the form of a nod. "How did all this come up, if you don't mind my asking?"
Grazing her teeth over her bottom lip, Gabby's eyes flashed back over towards the closed door, where she knew Matt and Antonio to be just on the other side of, Adrian following her line of sight before she looked back towards him. "My, uh- my mom brought it up to me." She replied after clearing her throat, the therapist staying quiet as he waited to see if she'd continue. "Her and my dad had been talking about it, thought it might be a good idea so she brought it up to me last week."
"So it was your mom's idea." He repeated, Gabby pausing for a moment before she nodded. "Or your family's, I suppose…"
"They're the ones who brought it up to me." She repeated with a slight shrug.
"And was that something you were expecting?" He pressed, watching as her head fell a bit to the side, like she wasn't expecting his question. "The idea of coming to therapy, was them bringing it up a surprise to you?"
"Yeah, kind of." She replied without really thinking about it, Adrian giving her a soft nod before glancing down to his notepad.
"Why is that?" He continued on, Gabby's eyebrows knitting together slightly as she tried to figure out how to respond.
"I… I don't know. I guess I'd never really thought about therapy being something I'd do, at least not for this." The last part of her sentence came out before she could stop herself, Gabby immediately wincing as the words left her lips, as she hadn't intended to really bring up what happened to her at all. But if Adrian picked up on it, which she was sure he had, he didn't say anything, the man merely nodding with that same comforting smile on his face, the look encouraging her to continue. "It was just never something I saw myself doing. But after a few different conversations, I figured I'd give it a shot… So here I am."
Adrian nodded once more, the man thinking over her words for a moment as the air around them stayed calm. That was until he spoke up again.
"So because your parents wanted you to do this, that's why you're here? You're doing this for them." He asked her, though Gabby wasn't sure why, as they'd just gone through this exact conversation seconds ago.
"I guess, yeah." She answered him after a second, though she didn't seem so sure. And Adrian noticed, the man taking the opening while he had it.
"...If not for them, would you still be here right now? " He prodded gently, his question seeming to strike some sort of nerve with her, though he wasn't sure why, her face hardening a bit before she released what sounded like a somewhat frustrated breath.
"Why does that matter?" Dawson asked, her voice a bit defensive as she wasn't sure what he was getting at here, or why it was so important. But whatever the reason, this was a prime example of why this was something she never wanted to do this in the first place, because whatever he was trying to do, he wouldn't just come out and say it.
"It matters a lot." He responded calmly, Gabby clenching her eyes shut tightly for a split second before looking back towards him, Adrian giving her an assuring look. "The reason for you being here, you deciding to take this step whether you wanted to or not, it matters." He continued on, wanting to make sure she really heard him, as it was obvious the woman had many doubts about coming here.
As he finished speaking, Gabby bit down on her bottom lip, the nervous habit noticed by him as she glanced back over towards the door. She knew it wouldn't help things, that Gabby wouldn't be able to see the people on the other side of it, but it didn't stop her from looking regardless as she knew Matt was just a few yards away. Picking up on her silence, the man drew in a deep breath, the sound hardly being registered by the paramedic as her mind was suddenly a million miles away, Gabby barely hearing the next words out of his mouth as she thought back to the conversation from last week that would answer his question.
"...What brought you here, Gabby?"
Gabby released a soft sigh as she padded her way down the hallway towards their bedroom, the sound of her television coming from the living room still hitting her ears as she knew both her parents weren't going to bed anytime soon. It was still relatively early in the evening, but after the long day Gabby had; with her brother coming over, then going out with her mom, she was exhausted. And with Matt already having gone to lie down maybe half an hour ago, she knew it was time for bed. Or at least time to wind down for the night.
When she got to their bedroom door, she slowly pushed it open, Gabby wanting to be quiet as she wasn't sure Casey was even still awake. When he'd excused himself earlier in the night, she saw in his face how tired he was, how just getting through the day seemed to take it out of him, so while she couldn't be sure, she had a feeling her boyfriend was asleep already.
But when she stepped in the room, she was surprised to see him sitting up in their bed, her steps slowing for a moment before she continued inside, Gabby closing the door behind herself. She wasn't sure what he was doing, but from her vantage point she saw him looking at something on his phone, Matt pulling his eyes away from the device in his hands when he noticed her presence.
"Hey baby." He greeted with a soft smile, letting his phone fall down against his stomach as Gabby walked towards him before coming to a stop just beside the bed. "Sorry I couldn't stick it out the rest of the night with your parents, how was the movie?" He asked, referencing the evening activity he'd bowed out of early, Gabby nodding slightly before she sat down on the edge of the mattress, Matt moving a bit more towards the middle to give her more room, even though those movements were a bit painful.
"It was fine… or what I saw of it, I ducked out early, too." She replied with a sheepish grin, a smile peeking out around Matt's swollen features as Gabby's hip rested gently against the side of his leg. "Though I thought you'd be asleep already."
"I was- Or almost was, until I got a call from my mom." He explained, Gabby giving him a nod as she glanced down towards his bare chest where his phone was still resting, it hard for her to ignore the intense bruises littering his skin before she forced herself to meet his eyes once more.
"Everything okay?" She asked softly, Matt being the one to nod in response now before he replied.
"She's fine, just wanted to see how we were today." He answered simply, Gabby giving him a soft smile before she reached out to gently rub her hand over the side of his leg.
"Ahh." She gave in response before dropping her eyes back down towards his leg, Matt keeping his gaze on her as he noticed something slightly shift in her demeanor, though he wasn't sure what caused it.
"You alright?" He pressed, Gabby looking back up at him with a slightly questioning look on her face, before that small smile returned and she nodded.
"Yeah, I'm fine… Just tired."
"Me too. But hopefully we can get some good sleep tonight." He told her, Gabby smiling softly before slowly pushing herself up off the bed, the woman beginning the process of getting ready for bed while Matt stayed put.
Though she was moving a little slower than normal, she managed to complete her routine quickly enough, Gabby stripped down to her underwear and one of Matt's t-shirts as she left the bathroom, flicking the light off in the small room as she went before moving back towards the bed. The small bedside lamp was giving off enough light for her to see where she was going, Gabby feeling Matt glance towards her just before she climbed into bed and underneath the covers, the girlfriend keeping a bit of distance between them at first as to not hurt him, even though Matt always ended up holding her close to him regardless. But for now, just being beside him was enough for her as he laid on his back, Gabby tilted to the side to get a better look at him.
He was still somewhat alert, from what she could tell, though definitely tired. But it wasn't enough for him to not know what was going on around him, and Gabby couldn't help but wonder if now was the time to have the conversation she'd been desperately trying to have with him all day. The same conversation her mom had brought up out of the blue to her this afternoon, the idea of going to therapy having been floating around her head all day as she hadn't been able to shake the discussion with her mother, Gabby unsure of what she wanted to do in terms of what Camila had suggested.
But what she did know was that before she made any decisions, she wanted to talk to Matt.
When her mom first brought it up, she knew Camila had done it away from everyone so there would be no pressure on her. So she could make the decision she wanted to make, without feeling like she had to say yes or no depending on what others wanted. And she appreciated the sentiment, she truly did, but when it came down to it, she wanted Matt to know. She wanted him to know if she went, and she wanted to know what he thought about it. If she was even going to consider this, she wanted his input. And she certainly didn't want to keep it from him.
She just hadn't found the right time yet, as this was the first moment they'd had alone all day. And the last thing Gabby wanted for this conversation was an audience, which thankfully now they had none as they were securely inside the confines of their bedroom. And in this moment, she couldn't help but feel like it was the perfect time for this conversation, Gabby breathing in deeply before looking back towards her boyfriend.
"Hey Matt?"
Her voice sounded a lot more timid than she wanted it to be, but Casey still turned towards her with a smile regardless, Gabby's eyes tracing over every outline of his face before meeting his gaze, finding a soft look waiting for her.
"Can we talk?" She asked him, his eyebrows raising slightly before he immediately nodded.
"Of course we can." He replied without a thought, Matt unsure of where exactly this was going. But despite that, he didn't want her to have any doubts of coming to him. "What's going on?" He added, his simple words giving her the option to take any opening she wanted, Gabby pursing her lips together as she tried to figure out how to best bring this up, before soon realizing she just had to go for it. So that's exactly what she did.
"What do you think about therapy?"
She could tell she'd surprised him, Matt turning to look at her as she soon got a better look at the slightly stunned expression over his face. But seconds later, his face softened, like he'd had the time he needed to process what she'd actually said, even though he still wasn't entirely sure where this conversation was going.
"Therapy?" He asked softly, his gentle tone showing no judgement as Gabby nodded.
"Yeah, therapy… For me." She murmured, not missing the small smile that appeared across his lips as she turned to lay completely on her side, both their heads resting on their pillows as they spoke from the comfort of their bed. "My mom brought it up to me today, wanted me to think about it. She said she thinks it might help me," She continued on, Gabby noticing what seemed to almost be a look of relief flash across his face before he nodded, "but I don't know." She finished her thought, Matt reaching out for her hand the second he noticed her uncertainty.
"Do you want to?" He asked softly, Gabby drawing in a deep breath before she shrugged, or shrugged as much as she could front the angle she was laying at.
"I don't know." She repeated, Matt giving her a nod. "I mean, sitting in a room with a complete stranger talking about all this, it- I don't know, it feels weird to me." She tried to explain what was going on in her head, and Casey let her, as this was the closest they'd gotten to talking about what happened. "But what do you think?" She asked again, his eyebrows raising as they locked gazes. "...Do you think it's a good idea?"
"Truthfully?" He questioned, Gabby pausing for a moment before nodding in response, Matt taking that as his cue to continue. "Well… I think it would be good for you." He told her, Gabby staying quiet as his soft words hit her ears, Matt hesitating for a moment as he couldn't entirely tell where her head was at. But she'd asked him for his opinion, and he wanted to give her an honest answer. "I know how hard all of this has been on you, and how you haven't really been able to deal with much of it. So I think it would help you, to have someone to talk to."
Dawson stayed still for a moment before she nodded, the woman turning slightly to lay on her back as Matt kept his eyes on her, his hand still firmly holding hers as he gave her palm a supportive squeeze.
"I know that all this, you've had a hard time talking to us about it, and that's okay. I can't imagine how hard this has all been on you, but I do think it would help you to talk about all this with someone." He said again, Gabby turning back to look at him as she was immediately met by that same comforting Casey smile. And even with his face covered in cuts and bruises, it still gave her just as much security as it always did. "And if there comes a point where you feel okay to talk to me about this, you know I'm always here for you," He continued on, Gabby nodding immediately as she didn't want him thinking she didn't know that. "Anything you ever want, or need, to talk about, I'm right here… But I know right now, you haven't felt comfortable talking to me about it-"
Matt stopped himself when he saw her duck her head slightly, Gabby looking down at the sheets in between them as his words sunk in, Casey sighing softly before dropping her hand to reach out to her. Gently, he grabbed a hold of her chin, Matt lifting her head back up to meet his eyes, the action far more careful and loving than the way Bryan had grabbed her by the face the week before. And when they locked eyes, the love and understanding shining back at her told her all she needed to know, Gabby's body relaxing when she was reminded that he wasn't mad at her for holding back.
"It's okay." He murmured, just in case she needed the verbal assurance from him as well, which admittedly hadn't hurt as Gabby nodded slightly, Matt lovingly running his thumb along her jaw. "But I do think if you don't feel ready talking to me, or your family, that it would be good to talk to someone… And I know you said you weren't sure about talking to a stranger about all this, but maybe that would help. It might make it easier." He tried, his hand sliding around to softly cup her cheek before moving down to hold onto the side of her neck, Gabby barely able to feel him as she knew he was hesitant to hold her with much pressure. "Just having someone there to help you work through whatever you're feeling, someone who doesn't know any of us, that might be better… But ultimately it's your decision."
Gabby nodded slowly, Matt giving her a small smile before he leaned forward and carefully pressed his lips into hers, the movement twinging a few of his aching muscles. But when he felt her body relax into his, he didn't so much care, Gabby lovingly kissing him back before they separated. With his hand still cradling her neck, their eyes locked on each other as Gabby brought her hand up to hold onto the back of his wrist.
"This is up to you, and you know I'll support you with whatever you decide… But I do think it would help you."
"Gabby."
Dawson snapped out of her haze when she registered the sound of someone calling her name, someone who wasn't Matt as she began to blink a few times, Gabby regaining a sense of her surroundings before looking to the man across from her, Adrian's eyes focused on her with an unreadable expression on his face. Pursing her lips together, Gabby breathed in deeply, her hand coming up to run through her hair as she adjusted her position on the couch, a small wave of embarrassment coursing through her as she was unaware of just how long he'd been trying to get her attention.
"You alright?" He questioned gently before she could say anything, Gabby wringing her hands together in her lap before she nodded. "..You got quiet there for a few minutes."
"I'm fine." She was quick to answer, Adrian hesitating for a moment before he nodded. "Sorry."
"You don't need to apologize, it's okay." He told her honestly, Gabby biting down on the inside of her cheek as they looked at each other. "...But do you wanna tell me where you went just now?"
The second those words left his lips, he saw her begin to pull away from him again, Adrian suppressing a sigh as he was beginning to understand just how deeply Gabby had repressed whatever had happened to her. The way she'd close herself off, how she wouldn't look at him whenever anything even remotely uncomfortable for her to talk about came up, he knew this was going to take some time. And it was time he would gladly give her, as long as it was helping more than it was hurting.
"Gabby." He tried again, the use of her name causing her to look back up at him once more, the supportive look in his eye helping her relax somewhat. "We don't have to talk if you don't want to." He reminded her, watching as she bit down on her bottom lip. "I meant what I told you the second you walked in here, if you're not ready to talk, about any of it, that's fine… I'm not here to make you do something you don't want to do. My job here is to help you." He continued to reiterate the same thing he'd told her earlier, as he had a feeling she needed to hear it again. "And forcing you to talk about things before you're ready will not help you… So if there's something you want to talk about, we can. And if not, that's okay too."
Gabby nodded slowly before she looked back down towards her lap, a thousand different thoughts running through her mind as she tried to make sense of what all was going on in her head. But even she didn't entirely understand it, the woman gnawing on her bottom lip as she thought over whether she wanted to talk or not. But before she could even come to that conclusion on her own, it was like her mouth had other ideas, Gabby speaking up before she could ever register her own actions.
"...Matt."
Adrian's eyebrows furrowed slightly as the single word left her lips, his eyes flashing over towards the door before looking back at Gabby, finding her gaze still focused down on her hands.
"I'm sorry?" He prodded gently, the paramedic sucking in a deep breath before forcing herself to look up at him.
"Matt, he's- you asked the reason why I'm here." She explained, noticing the look of realization that covered his face before his expression softened. "Why I came to therapy, it's for him… And my parents, and Antonio I guess, but- the reason I'm here, it's mostly for Matt." She finished, Adrian nodding with a soft smile.
"And Matt, I'm assuming is Matt Casey? The man out there with your brother." He questioned her for clarification, though he didn't exactly need it, Gabby giving him a nod in response. "And he's your…" He trailed off, clearly wanting her to tell him on her own, so there was no confusion on his part.
"Boyfriend." She answered, Adrian nodding once more as she saw his eyes flicker over towards the closed door yet again.
"How long have you two been together?"
Gabby's teeth grazed along her bottom lip as she was unsure of how to answer that question, given that their situation wasn't the most typical thing. Obviously they were together now, but the way their relationship started was about as far from dating as you could get, the two of them not entirely doing things the most conventional way.
"Um, well we met in December of last year. Then we started… kind of seeing each other in January. We weren't really together, I guess, but-" She stopped herself, Adrian nodding understandingly in an attempt to encourage her to continue, the man clearly not fazed by her and Matt's situation early on. Though she imagined in his line of work, he'd heard more unusual things than that. "Then, uh, a few months later we started dating."
"So he's been around for awhile." He supplemented, Gabby nodding before a small smile formed across her face before she even realized it was there.
"He has." She answered softly, that content grin never leaving her face as she thought about her boyfriend.
"And what does he do?" Adrian asked her, the man soon coming to understand that the topic of Matt Casey was a safe place for her, as this was the most relaxed she'd been since she walked in here.
"He's a firefighter- a Lieutenant." She corrected herself, watching as Adrian's eyebrows raised slightly before he nodded.
"Do you all work at the same station?" He questioned, Gabby nodding in response. "Is that how you two met?"
"No, it's not." She told him, Adrian staying quiet as he waited for her to elaborate. "It's actually kind of funny looking back on it, though I guess it wasn't at the time, with everything going on, but we met the day before he started working at 51." She told him, the therapist letting her words slide as he wasn't going to push the part about what had been going on. "We had no idea we'd be working together, not until he showed up at the firehouse. We didn't even know both of us were first responders, but we met and then the next day he showed up at the house and things just kind of progressed from there." She finished explaining, not missing the soft smile that covered his face before he finally spoke up.
"Sounds like some fate was intervening there." He told her, a genuinely happy look shining in her eyes before she slowly nodded, her mind going back to that time when they first met.
It was stressful for her, and at the time, felt like she was being punished. By having the man she used to get over her breakup come and work with her, that having Matt around after just ending things with Bryan felt like it was just making everything harder. But looking back on it, she wouldn't have wanted things to go any other way, as everything they'd gone through had gotten them to where they were now.
"...Yeah, maybe it was." She responded, her words barely audible as she spoke underneath her breath, but he still heard her, the two sharing a nod before he continued their conversation.
"And things with you two are good?" He pressed, Gabby's head tilting to the side slightly. "With everything that's gone on… you two are still doing well?"
"We are." She answered without hesitation, despite the fact they were treading into deeper territory. But despite her uncertainty with everything Walker had done, she felt none of that hesitance with Matt. And she didn't want there to be any confusion on that. "We're good… It's, uh, been hard, after everything," She spoke carefully. "Not with us, just in general, but Matt's been… he's been great. From the beginning, he's been incredible with all of this. He's just been… Matt." She finished, her simple words filling the air as she spoke honestly, Adrian pausing for a moment before he said the next thing to come to his mind, knowing now was the perfect opportunity to try and get a little closer to why she was actually here.
"If you don't mind my asking… Does he know?" He questioned softly, Gabby blinking quickly a few times as they stared at each other. "About everything you've gone through…"
Drawing in a deep breath, she fought off the instinct to shut down, something in the back of her mind telling her that she could answer this simple question, Gabby doing her best to ignore the urge to change the subject as she slowly nodded.
"He does." She answered, her voice sounding a bit far away before she cleared her throat, like she wasn't sure if she should be doing this. But she continued on anyway. "He knows all of it… He was the first person I told about-" She stopped herself, Gabby clenching her eyes shut as her throat suddenly felt very dry, nerves coursing through her as she tried to push all that down. "He was the person I told about Bryan, and what he did." She got out, Adrian watching her with a remorseful look in his eye as she slowly looked back towards him.
"And Bryan, he's your ex?" He asked, Gabby tightening the grip she had on her hands before nodding. "And Matt knows what all happened there?"
"He does… He, and my brother, they know all of it."
"I'm sure that wasn't an easy thing to do." He told her, Gabby swallowing thickly as she felt her heart rate quicken in her chest. "Confiding in someone with what you've gone through…" He spoke, earning a slight nod from her.
"It wasn't." She answered honestly, Adrian nodding understandingly. "It took me awhile to talk to him… If I'm being honest, I didn't really tell him until I had no other choice. There were times I wanted to, so many times, but…"
"It's not that simple." He spoke, Gabby nodding in agreement.
"Yeah, it's not… But eventually I told him. I told him everything. And I guess now the only thing we haven't really talked about is what happened a couple weeks ago, but… aside from that, he knows." She explained, Adrian not missing the distinction in her words. But he knew it was something to circle back to later.
"And how has that been for you? Him knowing?" He questioned, Adrian getting the sense that Gabby was slowly warming up to him and this conversation. And as long as she felt comfortable talking to him, he wanted to keep it going.
"It's, uh… it's been good. It didn't change things for us, or I guess it didn't ruin anything for us." She tried her best to explain, Adrian letting her take this at her own pace as he simply nodded. "It's not even that I thought it would, really, just that… once that's out there, you can't take it back. And a part of me wasn't sure how Matt would react to it… But he handled it better than I could've ever imagined, and he still does."
"So you would say that Matt hasn't changed, since finding out?" He continued to press, Gabby pausing for a moment as she thought over his question, before shaking her head.
"I don't think he has." She told him, Adrian nodding as he wrote a few things down in his notepad. "He's always been really attentive, and loving… He cares so strongly about people, especially the people he loves. So I don't think he changed, just that he was upset that I'd gone through all that." She breathed out, Gabby noticing the slight weight that seemed to lift from her shoulders the longer she continued to talk. "If anything, he might be more… not careful, with me, but mindful, I guess would be the way to describe it. Mindful of what happened." She continued on, Adrian listening closely to every bit of information she was giving him. "He hasn't changed the way he acts around me, and I wouldn't want him to, but I know he's always trying not to do anything that might bring up bad memories… He's very aware of that, I'd say is the only thing that's changed."
"He sounds like a great man… And I'm sure that was a relief to you, after telling him what all happened." He spoke as she gave him a nod. "That your alls relationship is still the same… Or I'm assuming it is."
"It's better, I think." She answered after a moment, Adrian tilting his head to the side as he waited for her to continue, Gabby's eyebrows knitting together slightly. "I don't… not because he knows, at least not entirely. But just where we are with everything, we're in a better place now than we were before, when he didn't know." She did her best to explain where her head was at, and where her and Matt were at. "And yeah, I guess Matt knowing is a part of that. Because there's no secrets, or anything hidden between us. We're just… in a really good place together." She finished, Gabby not missing the almost proud smile on Adrian's face as he sat across from her. And it was a look she was a little surprised to see, considering they'd only just met one another.
"I'm really happy to hear that, Gabby." He told her, his genuine words bringing a smile of her own to her face. "That after what you've experienced, you have someone who cares for you… Who makes you happy."
"He does." She responded, the grin on her face widening to a size he hadn't seen from her up until now, a look of pure happiness flickering in her eyes. "I… after Bryan, I wasn't sure I'd ever find someone like Matt, that there even were men out there like him, but he's- he's the best thing that's ever happened to me." She said without a bit of hesitation, the look on her face telling him all he needed to know about just how true her words were. "I don't know what I'd do without him."
Adrian gave her a nod, the man matching her smile before speaking up. "I'm glad you have that… that you have him. That you all found each other when you did, and you've gotten to where you are now." He spoke, his face falling slightly, Gabby unsure of what his next words would be. "...Cause after going through a trauma, it's not always easy to rely on someone. To let someone in." He told her, Gabby clenching her jaw as he kept going. "It's instinct, almost to pull away from people, to separate yourself from them, especially those closest to you. The ones trying to help you the most… But you've seemed to come out the other side of it, and I'm really proud of you for that." He finished, Gabby moving her thumb back and forth along the side of her wrist as her hands rested in her lap, the woman nodding slowly.
"I, uh… I did do that." She told him, though as the words came out she wasn't entirely sure why she was. But that didn't stop her as she soon kept going. "I did push people away, while it was happening and then after." She explained, Adrian nodding sadly. "My friends, and family… even Matt when we met, I kept everyone at arm's length because I was… or wasn't dealing, I guess. Like you said, it was easier to do that at first. And it worked for awhile, but Matt… there came a point where he wouldn't let me do it anymore." Gabby spoke, the woman stopping to take a steadying breath. "And at first, I was angry. Any time he tried to help me, I kept pushing him away, but he didn't give up… It's like he knew I wasn't okay, and he refused to let me drown. Even though some days that was all I wanted to do. But he didn't walk away, even when I gave him every reason to."
As she finished speaking, she felt a bit of nerves rush through her as she realized how much she'd just laid out there, Gabby not having expected to talk this much. But even despite that bit of uncertainty, she'd be lying if she said it didn't feel good to get all of that off her chest.
"But you eventually let him in." Adrian spoke up once it was clear she was done, Gabby breathing in deeply before she nodded. "Even though it was hard, even though you'd been through a lot… Even without me knowing what happened, I can still say it couldn't have been easy to trust anyone after that, let alone a person you'd be in a relationship with. Which is exactly what I mean when I say you came through the other side of this... Things may have been hard there for a while, but you didn't let it take over your entire life forever." He explained to her, Gabby trying to push down the emotions welling in her throat as she listened to him speak. "You said that Matt pulled you out, that he didn't let you drown, but you also didn't let yourself drown, either… You took the leap, and trusted him. You let him pull you out of that place, when you could've stayed there forever. So yeah, Matt did help you, and I'm glad he came into your life when he did, but you deserve a lot of the credit here too, Gabby."
Drawing in a slow, slightly shaky breath, she nodded once more, Gabby blinking back the tears beginning to settle in her eyes, his statement hitting her a bit harder than she expected. But it was something that had helped to hear, Adrian offering a gentle smile as he gave her a second to really let those words sink in.
"I just… want to make sure you're not selling yourself short. Because yeah, Matt may have helped you, and helped you a lot. And that's something to be grateful for, but it all starts with you, and you allowing him in… You let him in, and things got better." He spoke, Gabby nodding as a lone tear escaped down her skin, the woman sniffling slightly as she wiped it away. "Is that a safe assumption to make?" He asked, as he was well aware he still barely had any of the story.
"It is, yeah." She answered quietly, Gabby taking another breath. "There was… There was a lot of stuff happening with Bryan when we first got together, stuff he did… but overall it was better, because I knew I had Matt. I got through it because of him." She spoke, Adrian nodding softly. "And Matt didn't- he didn't know much of anything until after we started dating, but he still helped me get through what all Bryan had done… what he was still doing. Relying on him helped more than anything. Throughout all of this."
"I'm sure it has… It takes a lot of courage to trust someone like that, but once you do, with the right person, it'll only help make things easier." He spoke softly, Gabby nodding in response as the man watched her, a thought sitting on the tip of his tongue before he eventually just said it. "...And you leaning on Matt, letting him help you… are you still doing that?" He questioned, Gabby instinctively biting down on the inside of her lip as they looked at one another, Adrian knowing now was as good a time as any to try and get a little closer to the specific accident that brought her here, even if they didn't get into all of it today. "A moment ago, you said how you hadn't really talked to Matt about what just happened. So I guess my question is with your ex- Bryan, him coming back… has Matt still been there for you?"
"Of course he has." She answered without a thought, Adrian nodding as he was beginning to realize he might've gone about his question the right way, the therapist not wanting them to backtrack at all when she was making some progress. "He always is."
"Okay, that's good. I'm glad, I really am… I guess what I meant was I'm more so just wondering why he's the reason you're here." He told her, Adrian figuring it best to just rip the bandaid off as Gabby ducked her head slightly. "I know I don't know a lot of why you're here, but you told me you're here for Matt. because he wanted you to do this, and I wasn't sure if there was a specific reason, or just everything in general. But I'm sorry, I should've phrased myself better, I didn't mean to come across like he hadn't been there for you." He apologized, Gabby shaking her head as she slowly looked back up to him.
"No, no it's fine, I'm sorry, I just-" She cut herself off, Gabby waving her hand around in the air to say something she wasn't sure how to voice. A part of her knew this was her chance to end this conversation, that she could back off if she wanted to, and move on to something else. But she also knew that wouldn't help anything. That if she couldn't even talk to him about why she wasn't opening up to people about this, she'd never be able to actually talk about it. "...I haven't talked to him." She admitted, Adrian pausing for a moment before he nodded. "About Bryan coming back, and what happened… we haven't talked about it. That's why he wanted me to come here."
"Why haven't you talked to him?" He asked carefully, Gabby pursing her lips together before shrugging softly, the paramedic knowing they'd reached the point of no return with this conversation.
"I don't know, I guess I just… don't want to make him feel worse." She said the first words that came to her mind, her statement almost surprising herself as she hadn't entirely realized that to be the reason why she'd been holding back. Not until now.
"What do you mean?"
Breathing in deeply, Gabby thought for a moment before responding. "Matt, he… he blames himself. For a lot of what Bryan's done to me." She spoke quickly, Gabby's eyes widening slightly when she registered what she said, but there was no going back now.
"But Matt didn't know you when you two were together, did he?" He questioned, Adrian clearly trying to understand more of their situation.
"No, he didn't, but Bryan… even after we broke up, before he came back, there were things he did… and Matt blames himself for that. He thinks it's his fault, and Bryan coming back and everything that happened, I don't want to make that worse for Matt." She breathed out, Adrian taking a slow, steadying breath before he nodded.
"So you think you're sparing him, by not talking to him. That you don't want him to have to deal with that." He restated, Gabby wincing slightly as she heard her own words repeated back at her. "Is that part of this… Do you feel like you're burdening him? By talking to him?" He pushed, her eyebrows furrowing slightly as she thought over his words.
"No… Maybe, I don't know. I don't think so." She stuttered out, Adrian watching her closely as he tried to figure out where her head was at. Though, at this point, he wasn't sure if she knew, either.
"...Can I ask you something?" He asked after a few moments of quiet, Gabby nodding slowly. "Did you feel like a burden to him then? Back when you first told him what all happened?"
Without needing much time to think, Gabby shook her head, her chin falling down slightly before she responded. "No."
"So why do you feel differently now?" He questioned back simply, Adrian seeing the moment his words began to click in Gabby's mind. "What do you think has changed with Matt… to where he'd suddenly now feel burdened by all this, when he never was before?"
"I… I don't know. I guess nothing's changed." She spoke slowly, like she was realizing the point he was making.
"So if nothing's changed, from what I know from you, regardless of the guilt Matt feels, or if he blames himself or not, it sounds to me like he'd still want to know what's going on with you… If you feel alright to tell him." He encouraged, Gabby breathing in slowly before she nodded. "I know it won't be easy, but whatever Matt's feeling, him holding onto this guilt, I would imagine it's not as important to him as knowing how you're doing."
Gabby nodded once more as she listened to his words, Adrian's statement resonating with her as it all sunk in, the man waiting a minute or two before speaking up once more.
"It's a noble thing, you trying to spare him… but do you think that's really something he'd want?" He continued to reason, Gabby taking another deep before shaking her head. "I mean, you're really the only one who can answer that. You know him better than I do, but do you think he'd rather know what's going on with you?"
"Yeah, he would." She murmured, Adrian nodding before glancing down to his notepad. "I just… this whole thing has hurt him so much, I don't want to make it worse."
"But it wasn't you who made it worse, was it? It was Bryan." He continued on, Gabby hesitating for a moment as she digested what he was saying before nodding. "Bryan is the one who made this all worse, on the both of you. It wasn't you… So you shouldn't carry the burden of how you all handle dealing with the fallout of that... That's not on you. So you don't need to hide from him, because you're worried about the destruction Bryan caused… That's not fair to you, or Matt."
The air around them became quiet for a few moments, Gabby doing what she could to take in everything he was saying to her, as she was slowly coming to realize he had a point. That her reasons for not talking to Matt, though valid, weren't fair to either of them. And the more she thought about it, the more it felt like it was just one more thing she was letting Walker have control over, and that was the absolute last thing she wanted.
"I know it'll take some time." He spoke yet again, Gabby looking back towards him to find a compassionate smile waiting for her. "All of it, this will all take time to get past. But with stuff like this, it's all about the small victories. You, being here right now, is… well, it's not even just a small victory, it's a big one. And this process is all about going through those steps, and accepting that this is something that might not happen all at once… But in time, you'll be able to move past it. I truly, one hundred percent believe you will, Gabby. But, like I said, moving past it requires taking all those baby steps, and a good place to start might be talking to Matt about what happened, and how you're feeling because of it. If you feel like you can." He spoke slowly as he wanted to make sure she truly heard him, Gabby blinking quickly a few times before she nodded. "If you can, you need to rely on him, Gabby… Just like you had been."
"Okay." She responded, her voice barely above a whisper as her throat was feeling very dry all of the sudden. "I'll, uh.. I'll try."
"That's all I ask, and that's all you can do." He told him, Gabby pausing for a moment before she gave him another nod.
She knew he was right, that everything he was saying made sense. From her own experience, she knew this wasn't something that she'd just magically get over one day. It would take time, and she'd likely need help, Gabby coming to realize that this would be something that would, like Adrian said, require her to focus on those small victories, instead of wanting to get past this all at once.
But that was something she could do, she felt like she'd be able to do that, and go through the steps of this so she could finally put everything behind her once and for all.
And the first step for her to take was to talk to Matt.
And there's another one. Looks like Gabby's first session with her therapist went a little better than expected, and you all got some insight into where her head has been at since all this happened, but there's still more to come with this storyline as we move along. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter though, sorry again for it being up a little later than usual.
But before you go, I do want to let you all know that I have decided to take a little break from this story. It won't be anything crazy, just likely a few weeks so I can have some time to regroup, but also time to just give myself a break. I've been feeling a little burned out with writing, so I'm gonna put a pause on this story for a little bit to see if that won't help me. I will still be writing my other stories (I am working on the next update for If We Never Say Goodbye), it's just this one I'll be taking a little break from. But I shouldn't be gone for too long, just a few weeks. Thank you so much for understanding
I'll see you all next time.