Legal Disclaimer: I own my stuff, but not the original source material. That belongs to whoever. Also, the opinions and interpretations I use here may not reflect the same in said whoever that owns the source material. Look, I'm just a poor college librarian. Suing me isn't going to get you anything but tears.

Warning: This work may be offensive to some readers. Feel free to back out if need be.

Author's Note: I hope none of you have any mandatory drug tests in the immediate future, because this is pure crack. Shout out to those loveless aros out there. May you also fuck up things requiring love.

Submitting Info:
Stacked with: Hogwarts (Term 14); MC4A
Individual Challenges: Gryffindor MC (x3); Slytherin MC; Criminal MC; Neurodivergent; Rowl in Her Grave; Rian-Russo Inversion; Ethnic & Present; Booger Breath; Ship Sails; Hold the Mayo; Gender Bender; Lunar Era; Old Shoes (Y); In a Flash; Bucket Listing (Y); Two Cakes (Y); Eating Cake (Y); Green Ribbon
House: Slytherin
Assignment No.: Term 14 – Assignment 04
Subject (Task No.): Survival Studies (Task#3: Write about someone thirsty.)
Other Hogwarts Challenges: Fantastic Beasts [126](Barty Crouch Jr.); 365 Prompts [178](Barty Crouch Jr.); Scavenger Hunt [44](Favorite Friendship); Days of the Year [Mar 7th](canon namesake); Crystals & Gemstones [09](Being cursed); But Can You Spell It? [E](Enemies); Stop! Hamper Time (Chutneys)[Garlic & Onion](Barty Crouch Jr); Fantasy February (25)[Mega Evil Ice Ray Exchange];
Other MC4A Challenges: Ship (Canines)[Wi Med 2](Rescue); Fire [Med](Dabbling with Drabbles); Chim [Karma](Copper); Hangman [06](n/a);
Representation(s): Loveless Aro Sirius Black & James Potter QPR; Mentioned Romantic/Sexual Ships;
Primary & Secondary Bonus Challenges: Sweetest Burn; Misshapen Pods; Second Verse (Found Family; Nontraditional; Zucchini Bread; Unwanted Advice; Car in a Tutu; Grease Monkey; Muck & Slime; Dog Star; Under the Bridge; Lettuce Hold Hands); Chorus (Endless Wonder; Pear-Shaped; Wabi Sabi; Bee Haven; Fizzy Lemonade; Tomorrow's Shade; Larger than Life; Unicorn; Abandoned Ship; In the Trench; Turtle-Duck; Hot Stuff)
Tertiary & Generic Bonus Challenges: n/a
Word Count: 714 words

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Unexpected Aro
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Barty Crouch Jr. cackled madly as his minions (honestly, they were just Death Eater hopefuls and therefore were actually the Dark Lord's minions, but Barty was the one in charge of this particular operation, so…) secured the captured members of the Order of the Phoenix in the copper cage in the center of the ritual space. They might have only three of the annoying flaming chickens, but considering who those three were, Barty was extremely pleased at the success of their mission so far.

No one had managed to actually capture the infamous duo of James Potter and Sirius Black. Adding the newly graduated Auror Frank Longbottom was just gravy on the feast, as far as Barty was concerned. This was wonderful. And with his new creation, he will have all of their precious Order pinpointed and rendered powerless against their own capture! Of course, he had to tell these annoying losers just how much trouble that they were in now that they had been captured.

"You are powerless to stop me," Barty told the trio, making sure to mimic the same dramatic tones that the Dark Lord always did when he had captured enemies or muggles that were about to become the entertainment for a revel. He lifted the cover over the copper lever that triggered the device with extra flair. "I shall now use this machine to pinpoint the location of every person you love so you can WATCH AS I FREEZE THEM WITH MY EVIL MEGA ICE RAY!"

Suddenly, Sirius Black looked worried. He had been smirking a bit, probably thinking about how they were sure to make some spectacular escape like they had always done in the past. Now he was turning even paler than he already looked next to Potter's dark brown features.

"Wait, no—" Black called out even as Barty threw the lever. It should take a bit for the magic to track—

It dinged with a result immediately.

The result was Barty himself. He barely had time to turn towards the trio of Order members before he felt the first touch of the cold as it swept through him. As best as he could in his frozen state, he glared at Black. Barty just knew it was that disgrace's fault.

"Sirius, really?" Potter demanded as he made short work of unlocking the cage with a wandless spell. "You have the worst taste, I swear."

"I can't help that you are so into Lily that you can't see how hot he is!"

"I don't understand," Longbottom admitted as he used a spare wand (why didn't the minions search them?!) to stun the minions before he looked between the bickering friends and Barty. "Why does Sirius finding this jerk hot even matter? The machine is designed to track love, not lust."

Black laughed like a dog barking after a rabbit. Even Potter let out a bit of a breathless laugh. All three of them were moving throughout the group using conjured ropes to secure each minion's wrists to their ankles behind their backs. The fits of laughter didn't seem to cause them any problems performing their tasks efficiently.

"I don't feel love," Black explained with more amusement in his voice than he should have for such a declaration. "I do care for select people, but it's not really love. Lust, on the other hand—now that I can feel just fine."

"But I thought that you and Remus were… well, you know."

"Knocking boots? Polishing each other's wands? Performing the unspeakable acts of depravity that would make my dearest mother faint? Yes, to all of the above and to a few other things that Prongs told me never to bring up in his presence again."

"I still can't look at noodles," Potter announced as he stared at nothing for a moment. His brown face was looking a little gray from whatever memory he was seeing. Then he gave himself a little shake. "Shall we finish escaping? I don't want to have to explain any of this to Lily, and I still need to pick up the ice cream to go with her chocolate-covered blackberry jammy dodgers."

"Oh, do you know if Remus will make Alice any?" Longbottom asked as they left.

Barty didn't hear what the answer was.