EPISODE 94 – Monster

I can barely walk. My pyjama pants are drenched in blood. I feel dizzy. The pain is constant now, harrowing. I manage to stumble up the stairs, but I soon realise I won't be able to get all the way to the doctor's office. The only thing I can do is drag myself to the main floor, where I can hear talking and won't bleed to death without anyone noticing. I need someone, anyone, to save my baby.

"Negan…?" My own voice is a croaked murmur.

"Boss," one of his soldiers interrupts him mid-rant, pointing at me fearfully.

"Fucking hell! Aideen! Have you been shot?"

"I don't think that's it, boss, I think it's the baby…"

"We don't have time for that, Negan! We need to coordinate our response, stop them from-"

"Shit! Okay, you and Gavin, you got the west side. Justin, take a few men to consolidate the south fence. Don't fucking let them through."

"What about ya, boss?"

"Just fucking do as I say! The first one that questions me, he'll become very intimate with Lucille."

There's a dark veil in front of my eyes, but I still vaguely understand what's going on.

I feel myself being lifted up with a "Hmph!" because I weigh a lot more than I used to. I recognise Negan's smell. It bothers me that I can tell it's him just from the scent in the crook of his neck. I cling on his leather jacket. In truth, his presence comforts me. Nothing will happen to little Arley under his watch. That was the plan, and I revel in it now. While he hurries to carry me to the exam room, instead of protecting what he's worked so hard to build. Everything he's sacrificed his very soul for is crumbling down. Yet, he's here with me.

In my foggy state, I chuckle lightly: "You're going to lose…" while clutching him tighter, almost affectionately.

He doesn't answer me.

What happens next is lost in a blur. Negan yelling at Carson. The bips of the machines, the intravenous tubes in my arm, the clack of the rubber gloves on expert hands.

"We can't wait for the anaesthetics to take effect. This is going to hurt like hell." Always a cold bastard that doctor. But okay. Whatever it takes. I haven't heard my son's heartbeat yet, among all the noises, and it's all that matters.

"Do it," Negan and I simultaneously answer.

Something humid and freezing on the distended skin of my belly. Then, the cut of the scalpel. It doesn't hurt at all. It's swift, precise, methodical.

Only just after do I scream out in the worst pain I've ever experienced. When he plunges his hand inside the wound to go and retrieve my baby.

It's not long before I pass out.

…

The bawl of a newborn brings me back. And those of blaring guns, way too close. I'm so groggy I can't move a finger, cannot make a sound, not even lift an eyelid.

"We gotta leave. Now!"

"The baby needs to feed, sir."

"Does she even have any milk, this early?"

"I believe so," the doc awkwardly answers. "But she's losing a lot of blood." His voice is coming from over my stomach. And, as the sensations return, piercing and raw, I realise he's still fiddling with my insides…

I let out a weak groan.

"Aideen? Shit, ya need to wake up. We can't stay here."

"Give him to me…"

I shudder when he hesitates, but then, he puts a wailing perfect little boy into my trembling arms.

"See if you can feed him."

The sheer fact that the doctor is taking care of me right now, and not him, tells me my baby is fine.

With his hands free, Negan runs to the door. When he warily half-opens it, the uproars and blasts are so close they could practically be in the room.

But I can't manage to give a shit. Because I can feel little Arley's warm weight in my arms. He's instinctively reaching for my breasts with his lips. Already a survivor first. He's got bright red hair and clear turquoise eyes that seem out of this world. And his bawling stops. I choke with a mirthful sob, despite the horrid situation. I can feel him suckle so hard he manages to extract the few drops of colostrum that I didn't even believe I could produce.

But immediately then, I clinch my teeth with the excruciating pain.

"It's almost over, I'm closing you up. Just a few more sutures."

The doc is rarely that compassionate. However, when I glance around us for the first time, I'm horror-struck. This looks like a fucking nightmare. Like a crime scene. Carson is drenched in blood and so is the entire room. My blood. It's flooded the floor, and Negan's leaving scarlet footprints as he now surveys the courtyard through the windows.

I realise my skin is paler than a corpse. I'm uncontrollably trembling, even though holding Arley is providing me with some strength.

"Give him back to me." Negan orders, marching toward us now.

"No…"

"Can you stand up? Can you walk? 'Cuz we're not staying here a second longer."

I try to straighten up, although that's already too fucking hard. And when Negan scoops the baby from my arms, I can't even attempt to stop him. That leaves me with my mouth agape.

"Let's go, doc."

"I-… No! Negan, wait!" I manage to mumble.

He glances back at me with a sincere apologetic look on his features. Almost ashamed. "I'm sorry Aideen. You're too weak to be moved right now. And they're fucking coming. Be glad you get to see your friends again… If you make it that long."

"No! Wait! Ye need me! Ye need me to feed him!" I'm rolling out of the slab, tearing off the intravenous drips, immediately losing my footing to collapse in the puddle of my own blood. I cry out in pain as I strain on my burning sutures.

"He's strong. Incredibly fucking strong for his age. He'll live. I'll make sure of it."

"Ye can't do that, Negan…"

He shakes his head. Sighing through his nose, already remorseful, but not changing his mind. "I'm sorry."

And he's out the door. They're gone.

"Negan! Carson! No! Please no…"

I drag myself on the floor to follow after them. This cannot be real. I'm left aghast, stupefied. He's taken my son away. Because of my lie. I can't believe the Lord would allow this. Even with all my faults. Arley is innocent.

The other door, behind me, slams open, but I don't even turn. I don't have the slightest speck of strength to spare for anything less than going after them. However, then, I hear a voice I've only dreamed about for months:

"Tine?"