Day of the Dodos
"Awww, why did we have to leave the party so soon?" Pyro pouted as the Acolytes transitioned from dark evening to sunny day. "Things were just getting warmed up!"
"That is one way to describe you setting off a series of makeshift booster rockets," Mastermind moaned holding his head. "Those overloaded beer kegs you used nearly achieved Low Earth Orbit! Your stupid, irresponsible stunt probably helped jump-start the Space Race!"
"Eh, I didn't hear any complaints from any members of the faculty or campus security," Pyro defended.
"That's because they were all either passed out or blitzed out of their minds after getting into a drinking contest with me," Sabertooth scoffed. "Bunch of lightweights."
"We may not have had any problems with campus security, but we definitely did not want to hang around waiting for the state police to show up," Piotr pointed out. "And I even heard some people in nearby buildings calling the governor to send in the National Guard!"
"Eh, I wouldn't worry about them," Remy waved. "They'll just blame the whole mess on drunken students and lax campus rules."
"Yeah, every one of that munted mob was so off their chops none of 'em will remember anything about the party or any of us," Pyro chirped. "Which saved Masty from having to wipe any of their minds."
"If only I could wipe the pain away from my own," Mastermind groaned. "Aghhh, how the heck did I get a hangover so fast? I didn't drink that much beer and brandy at the party."
"That's college life for ya, Masty," Remy quipped. "You start paying off your mountain loads of debt the second you are out the door."
"Not all student debts are financial," Piotr sighed. "Wait, what about that professor and his research notebook detailing the various marks and sightings we have left throughout history?"
"Eh, I saw him being dragged away to a waiting paddy wagon in a straightjacket," Sabertooth growled. "He'll probably spend the rest of his life ranting to himself while locked inside a rubber room."
"I wonder why," Piotr gave his teammates a look.
"Believe me, I feel his pain," Mastermind moaned. "Along with my own. Ooooh…"
"As for his notebook, let's just say it'll make a great scrapbook of our trip," Remy smirked patting one of his trench coat's pockets. "Who knows? Someday we might look back on all this and laugh."
"Or read and giggle about it in print," Pyro added.
"Yeah, right. Like that could ever happen," Sabertooth snorted.
"Well, the party may be over, but at least we ended up someplace nice," Piotr said checking out their surroundings. The Acolytes had appeared in the middle of a lush, tropical forest. Soaring ebony, pandanus and labourdonnaisia trees rose into the air while clusters of secondary ferns and shrubs covered the ground. "There are so many different kinds of trees here."
"Yeah, I bet they'd smell really good set alight!" Pyro checked his flamethrowers. "Too bad I forgot to refill my pack with siphoned petrol back at the party."
"Thank goodness," Piotr sighed in relief.
"For once the Firebug has a point. It does smell pretty good here," Sabertooth grunted talking a deep breath. "Nice mix of fresh buds, old growth and earthy rot."
"Hey, maybe we've finally landed on a tropical island paradise," Remy suggested hopefully. "Filled with sweet fruit, colorful flowers and lots of lonely, willing femmes."
"Unfortunately, you're right on about everything except that last part," Mastermind grumbled before reading aloud the latest information on the machine:
March 24, 1509 A.D.
Swan Island, Mascarene
"Great, yet another forgotten speck of rock in another forsaken place in time that nobody's ever heard of or cares about," Sabertooth growled.
"I would rather be someplace that has been forgotten than one remembered," Piotr said. "It is sure to save on worries and sanity in the long run."
"Doesn't look like there's much to do around here," Remy studied the readout and their surroundings. "Guess we might as well take a break."
"After grilling and eating all that college food I'd rather take a quick nap…huh?" Pyro turned as a nearby clump of ferns began to shake. "Hey, what's that?"
"Rrrup!" A large, awkward-looking bird with gray feathers, bright yellow eyes and a long, oversized beak popped out from the bush. It stared at the mutants for a moment before letting out a deep, throaty coo. "Cooh?"
"What the?" Mastermind did a double-take. "No way! Is that a…?"
"I do not believe it!" Piotr was stunned. "It can not be!"
"Oh my gosh!" Remy gaped at the bird in shock. "It's a dodo!"
"And for once you ain't talking about Pyro," Sabertooth blinked. "Or yourself."
"Aw, look! She likes me!" Pyro squealed as the dodo casually approached him while searching the ground for nuts. Pyro happily petted its downy, gray feathers. "She's so cute!"
"Coo-cooh. Coo-cooh," More curious dodos appeared from the surrounding foliage.
"Oh wow," Piotr was wide-eyed. "This is amazing! I wish I had a camera."
"Me too," Remy agreed as the dodos blithely foraged among the group of awestruck Acolytes. "Do you have any idea how much photos or videos of real-life dodos would be worth?"
"Zoologists and bird lovers everywhere would pay a fortune, that's for sure," Mastermind confirmed.
"Do you think we could get some of them to stay still long enough for me to make sketches?" Piotr quickly pulled out a pad and pencil. "My, dodos are unique yet funny-looking animals."
"Takes one to know one," Sabertooth indicated his teammates.
"Hey, look at me!" Pyro giggled as he petted a dodo while carefully feeding it a handful of nuts. The dodo seemed to enjoy it. "Lookie! They like nuts!"
"Like I was saying," Sabertooth grunted.
"How appropriate," Mastermind quipped as Remy and Piotr joined Pyro in feeding and petting the dodos. "Birds of a feather really do flock together!" He watched as Pyro began to coo while bobbing his head up and down. "And of course, dodos aren't the only birdbrains around here!"
"What are you doing?" Piotr noticed Pyro's odd behavior.
"I'm trying to teach the dodos how to make fire using their beaks," Pyro chirped. "That way they'll be able to protect themselves in the future and enjoy the taste of fresh, roasted nuts!"
"Uh, I do not think dodo beaks can be used to make fire," Piotr pointed out.
"They might," Pyro insisted. "Maybe there's a natural source of flint and iron around the dodos can collect and scrape their beaks on to create sparks!"
"Great, just what the world needs," Remy drawled. "An entire flock of pyro dodos. Or dodo pyros!"
"Py-roh, coo-cooh," The dodos mimicked Remy's words. "Coo-cooh, py-roh!"
"Gambit," Mastermind twitched. "Did you just teach a flock of dodos to say 'Pyro'?"
"Uh," Remy gulped. "Oops!"
"Wow, that is amazing," Piotr blinked. "The dodos are apparently able to imitate parts of human speech like parrots."
"You think?" Mastermind snapped. "Talk about corrupting the local wildlife!"
"Oh boy! This is great!" Pyro crowed and skipped around with pride. "I love it! Cheers, Gambit! Yay!"
"Py-roh, Py-roh! Coo-cooh, Py-roh!" The dodos cooed hopping about as well.
"Way to go, Cajun," Sabertooth sneered. "Not only have you made Pyro happy, you've made the dodos act even dumber than their stereotypes!"
"Hey, at least I taught them how to do something!" Remy snapped. "You couldn't teach a pet rock to sink in the ocean!"
"How about I teach your bloated corpse how to float belly-up!" Sabertooth roared dangerously.
"Even dead I'd still have more brain power than you do!" Remy shot back. "You couldn't teach a dodo if your life depended on it!"
"Oh yeah? Watch this!" Sabertooth turned and quickly corralled a newly arrived squad of dodos. "C'mere, you dodo heads! I'll teach y'all how to fight! That way you can wipe the floor with any humans who try dunking you in a stew pot!"
"Oh no, not another case of contagious insanity," Mastermind groaned taking a seat on a large nearby rock. "And thought drunken college students were nuts! I suppose Colossus is going to join this lesson in craziness too?"
"Well, yes," Piotr admitted making sketches while a squad of dodos in front of him copied his pencil movements with their beaks. "I am attempting to teach these dodos how to draw shapes and pictures of themselves in the dirt. That way any humans they meet will see how intelligent dodos are and will not want to kill them."
"I wouldn't count on it," Mastermind muttered. "I'm intelligent and there are plenty of humans who would love to kill me…ahhh!" He yelled as a craggy, scaled face with dark, droopy eyes and wide, blunt nose seeming rose up out of nowhere. "WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!"
"Hey, nice work, Masty," Remy grinned as the 'rock' Mastermind was sitting on shifted and slowly moved out from the foliage. "You found a friend."
"Oooh! It's a giant tortoise!" Pyro oohed at the large, placid creature. "And with a saddle-back shell too! He's cute!"
"Are you crazy…wahhh!" Mastermind yelped as the tortoise raised its long neck toward him causing him to slide of its smooth, plated shell. The tortoise promptly sat on him. "AGGGHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"
"Aw, don't worry, Masty. The tortoise is just being friendly." Remy smirked at Mastermind's predicament.
"Eh, there's no accounting for taste," Sabertooth grunted.
"Stop flailing about, Masty," Pyro scolded. "You'll hurt the tortoise."
"I'll hurt the tortoise?!" Mastermind gasped as Piotr carefully lifted the gentle giant off him. "Ohhh, that thing nearly crushed my ribcage!"
"I am not surprised," Piotr said setting the tortoise down. "He is quite heavy."
"Hey, looks like the tortoise would like to apologize to Masty by giving him a kiss," Remy smirked as the tortoise slowly lowered its head. "Maybe the dodos would like to join in by kissing Masty's boo-boos."
"YAHHH! NO! KEEP THOSE STINKING ANIMALS AWAY FROM ME! WAAAHHHHHH!" Mastermind screeched running off.
"Aw, come back, Masty! The dodos won't really kiss ya!" Pyro called after him. "Just like any other sheila!"
"I suppose we better go after him," Piotr reluctantly put away his pencil and sketchbook.
"Why? We're on an island. It's not like Bonzo can go anywhere." Sabertooth growled. "Unfortunately."
"Unless he finally snaps and decides to use the machine without us," Remy gave him a look. "Which would leave us stranded on this dodo-filled island for the rest of our lives."
"Good point," Sabertooth admitted as the Acolytes left in pursuit of their missing teammate. "I have enough dodos to put up with."
"Gahhh, I hate this place! I hate this trip! I have my life!" Mastermind ranted as he blindly ran through the forest. "I swear if we ever make it back to our own time, I'll never complain about the base's spartan accommodations again…ahhh!" He tripped on a large root and went sprawling into the dirt.
"Ohhh, why me? Why me?" Mastermind moaned fluttering his eyes. "Agggh, I can't take it anymore! I'm tired! I'm hungover! I need sleep! I should just lie here and call it a day. This ground is kind of soft…huh?" Mastermind blinked hearing some loud, unfamiliar voices. He saw he was less than a hundred yards from the shoreline and cautiously crept behind a series of fallen trees near the forest's edge. "Great, now what?"
"Hey, Masty! Where are ya?" Pyro and Remy were heard shouting behind him.
"Shhh! Over here!" Mastermind waved as his fellow mutants emerged from the forest. "Get down and be quiet!"
"Why? What's going on?" Remy asked crouching next to him.
"Are you alright?" Piotr asked in concern.
"Yes, I'm fine considering the circumstances," Mastermind brusquely brushed him off. "Look over there."
"Huh," Pyro looked out across a wide sandy beach where thirty or so weather-beaten men labored to set up a camp. A trio of rowboats had been pulled up on shore while a large carrack sat anchored in the bay. "Looks like the dodos have visitors."
"Vamos lá rapazes!" A relatively well-dressed man stood on the beach while shouting orders to his subordinates. "Coloque suas costas nisso!"
"Anybody know what they're saying?" Remy asked tapping his ear. "My translator needs recharging again.
"I think they are speaking Portuguese," Mastermind listened to the men's shouts.
"You speak Portuguese?" Piotr looked at him in surprise.
"A little," Mastermind shrugged. "Enough to ask for the wine list at a Brazilian restaurant."
"I don't think those guys are gonna offer us drinks and appetizers," Remy gestured at the sailors laboring on the beach. "Looks like they're setting up some kind of colony or trading post."
"More like a minor stopover port," Sabertooth grunted. "There's nobody here to trade with."
"Py-roh! Py-roh!" The flock of trailing dodos emerged from the forest and casually made their way down the beach.
"The dodos are heading towards the men!" Piotr gasped in horror. "They will be slaughtered!"
"Uh oh. This ain't going to be pretty," Remy braced himself.
"Ei, olhe para todos os pássaros de aparência engraçada," One of the sailors pointed at the flock of rapidly approaching dodos. "Parece que teremos muita carne fresca esta noite…AAAHHHHHH!"
"What the?" Mastermind blinked as the dodos suddenly set upon the surprised Portuguese.
"Oh my," Piotr stared as the men yelped and ran around in panic.
"Ouch, that's gotta hurt," Remy winced as one large dodo bit a sailor on the butt.
"See? I told ya I could teach those featherheads to fight," Sabertooth growled smugly.
"Yay! Go dodos!" Pyro cheered. "'Attaway sticking it to the Man! You ain't going extinct today!"
CRACK!
"AGGGHHH! MINHA PERNA!" Several sailors howled in agony. "A DOR! A DOR!"
"Wow, dodo beaks are even stronger than they look," Piotr blinked.
"The claws on their feet aren't bad either," Remy said. "They're ever deadlier and better looking than Sabes'."
"They are not!" Sabertooth snapped.
"I have to admit, those dodos certainly are talented," Mastermind watched the unfolding chaos on the beach. "See how they work together to help each other leap onto the sailors' backs."
"Guess they aren't so flightless after all," Pyro giggled. "Oooh, look at that group! They're blinding the sailors by beating their eyes with their wings!"
"Thank goodness they are not trying to peck their eyeballs out too," Piotr sighed. "Though how they ever managed to snort nuts and water up their nostrils before shooting them back out is beyond me."
BOOOOOM!
"Not to mention setting off the sailors' entire supply of gunpowder," Remy noted.
"Ha! I knew dodos could use their beaks to make fire!" Pyro crowed.
"I think the burning matches the sailors had in their stacked matchlocks had something to do with it," Mastermind drawled.
"Like they're gonna be really useful now," Sabertooth snorted. "Without gunpowder those antique guns are no better than clubs."
"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!"
"They definitely aren't a match against dodos," Mastermind blanched.
"WAAAGGGHHHHHH!" The band of sailors broke and fled in terror.
"Voltem aqui, seus covardes!" The well-dressed man roared brandishing a sword. "Fique e lute!"
"Py-roh! Py-roh!" A squad of dodos faced off against him.
CLACK! CLACK! CLACK! CLACK! CLACK!
"Wow, dodo beaks really are tough," Pyro commented.
"They must be for dodos to use them to spar against swords," Piotr blinked. "They are pretty good duelists too."
"Guess the beak is mightier than the sword," Remy quipped.
"YEEEOOOWWW!"
"Though a clawed kick in the butt works too," Remy added.
"YAAAHHHHHH!" The formerly well-dressed man ran away with a pair of dodos still clinging to him.
"SOCORRO! ME SALVE!" One poor sailor screamed while being mercilessly heckled by dodos.
"This is nuts," Mastermind shook his head in disbelief. "And I thought dodos were supposed to be calm, harmless creatures. What's next? Is a team of tortoises going to show up and start rolling over everyone like wrecking balls?"
"Please do not give them ideas," Piotr begged.
"WAAAGGGHHHHHH! FUGIR! FUGIR!" The remaining sailors quickly piled into their rowboats and frantically rowed for the safety of the carrack. "ESTES PÁSSAROS DA ILHA SÃO DOIDO!"
"Do-doh! Do-doh!" The dodos cooed in triumph. "Do-doh! Py-roh!"
"Yay! Well done, my fine feathered friends!" Pyro cheered and joined the celebration. "You showed those unevolved humans not to mess with dodos!"
"Too bad we still have to put up with the living mess that is you," Sabertooth growled.
"Oh joy. You lunatics prevented the dodo from going extinct today," Mastermind groaned holding his head. "Too bad I can't say the same for my sanity."
"Bet none of those hommes will dare come back here again," Remy said as the Portuguese quickly boarded their carrack, unfurled the sails and hauled in the anchor. "They'll probably warn everyone they meet to avoid this island for the rest of their lives."
"We may be stuck here for the rest of our lives unless one of you maniacs has an emergency supply of soap," Mastermind warned noticing one of the machine's screens read 'FUEL EMPTY'.
"Don't worry, Masty. I picked up more soap back in the college's women's dorm," Remy said reaching into his trench coat.
"Bet that's not all you picked up," Sabertooth grunted.
"Wouldn't you like to know," Remy smirked.
"No, not at all," Piotr blushed turning away. "Though I would like to know if anything we did here today mattered. Do you think we may have actually helped save the dodo from extinction?"
"I doubt it, homme," Remy said as he refueled the machine. "Even if no humans land on this island for a few years, in a generation or two these dodos will have forgotten all the skills they've learned and go back to their usual patterns of behavior."
"Oh. Too bad," Piotr sighed in disappointment. "It is frustrating to have so much power and yet be so helpless to prevent such a needless tragedy from occurring."
"Wheeeeee! La, la, la, la, la!" Pyro laughed while singing and dancing around with the dodos.
"Do-doh! Py-roh! Py-roh! Do-doh!" The dodos happily cooed and hopped about.
"That's not the worst tragedy around here," Sabertooth groaned. "It's being stuck with a bunch of loons who are the dodos' mental and spiritual descendants!"
Historical note: The dodo is an extinct species of flightless bird that was native to the island of Mauritius (formerly Swan Island), part of the Mascarene Islands off the eastern coast of Madagascar. The dodo was reported to have no fear of humans and went extinct within a century of the first recorded mention of one in 1598 A.D. The last accepted dodo sighting occurred in 1662 A.D. While various theories and reproductions have been proposed over the years, the exact behavior, vocal abilities, intelligence and origin of the name "dodo" have never "officially" been determined.