Duty and Honour

Listening to Angel's tale - of everything he had given up, everything he had willingly lost - had really left him spun. To have that great love, that one chance of exactly what would make you happiest - and to have it taken away again? Doyle didn't think he could bear to suffer something so cruel.

And to choose to do it, to put duty and honour above all else … well, that was why Angel was the hero and he was only the sidekick. Angel had lived and loved and lost and fought and vanquished inside of a day … and Doyle was still working up the nerve to ask Cordy out for dinner.

Still, it explained the dark cloud Angel had been living under for the past few days, and the morbid gloom that had cast its pall over the rest of the office. It was the kind of loss that was really going to stick with Angel, there was nothing that could possibly overshadow it, nothing that could possibly put it in perspective or make it seem meaningless in comparison - because what could possibly be a greater loss than the loss of love?

Though Cordelia - being Cordelia - put her own unique spin on the situation. When he filled her in on just why it was Angel was leaving their already floundering agency to sink beneath the waves, she was less amazed by his sacrifice and more amazed that he hadn't checked the stock market or the lotto numbers.

They were sitting out in the hallway, crushed together on the steps, sharing a coffee. She reached for a napkin and Doyle handed one to her, their hand brushed together - for just the briefest moment - and he felt a spark of electricity crackle between them. He glanced at her to see if she felt it too. They made eye contact and then quickly looked away.

He didn't know.

He hoped she'd felt it. But maybe he was just fooling himself. And he hadn't told her his big secret yet, what she felt now and what she felt afterwards might be two very different things. As long as she remained in the dark, he had no right or reason to hope.

And, as if she had read his mind, she said, 'Angel should have told us what happened, we can't keep secrets from each other.'

'No,' he agreed, 'we can't.' Well this was probably it then, there was no excuse not to tell her now. If he didn't tell her his secret after agreeing they shouldn't keep secrets then that moved him on from the 'not having mentioned it yet' category and strictly and firmly into the 'lying' category.

And he didn't want to lie to Cordelia.

He took a deep breath, 'you know, I've been doing a lot of thinking about secrets and what not,' he told her. He tried to keep his voice casual, it sounded painful and obvious to his ears - and he assumed it must sound the same to her. 'I know my marriage would have stood a better chance if me and Harriet had really just - talked more, really let each other in.'

He was suddenly aware of Cordelia tensing beside him, and she hadn't been relaxed to begin with. 'So how is she? You two keeping in touch?'

Her voice sounded painfully and obviously overly casual too. She sounded friendly and interested - and tense. Like she was holding her breath.

He cursed himself silently, this was not the time to bring Harri into things - he hadn't meant … time for damage control. 'Well she's decided to stay in L.A…' he started.

'Oh so you'll be seeing a lot of each other?' Cordy interrupted - still with the casual tone.

'Well not right away.' He felt her relax a little, beside him. 'We both need to get on with our lives,' he added - making it clear that Harri was the past and they were now moving in opposite directions.

And Cordy must have understood what he was getting at, because she nodded - and tried to hide how pleased she was. 'Good, getting on is good.'

Doyle hesitated - wondering if this was really the moment to push onward, whether he was really gonna do it - really take the plunge. He heard his voice speaking before he had even come to a conscious decision. 'Yeah, 'cause if I want a relationship that's gonna last I need to put a few cards on the table.'

'Such as…?'

This wasn't just being nosy or polite chit chat, right? They were both on the same page, they both knew the relationship he wanted to last was with her, right? Right? And Cordy wanting to know what it was he needed to tell her meant she felt the same way, right?

So this was it. He was really going to do it. Right now. No going back. He would just say it - and it would be done. Let the cards fall where they may. He was ready. He was going to do this …

'See the thing of it is, I'm a little bit more than meets the …'

And then the vision pain sliced into his head, and he stopped talking in order to try and contain the agony.

He was vaguely aware of Cordelia saying something … but he was lost inside the vision, and couldn't make out her words.

He saw demons - pathetic, lost, helpless looking things - lost and hungry, in danger and in need of protection. He heard a terrifying rhythmic tramping of boots and saw fire and a bright light. And then it was over.

And he had to get to work. Telling Cordelia his secret, moving forward with her - that would all have to wait until they got back. This was more important than their burgeoning love life, right now - a life and death kinda deal. But he'd find another chance to tell her when all this was over. Telling her his secret was important - but after, that's what he would do after the day was saved. There was always later. But, for now, duty called. It was time to be a hero…

The End/ The Beginning