EPISODE 98 – Do Not Send Us Astray

When I did wake up, I recognised the ground-floor room of the Alexandrian house I used to share with Carol and others. Those flowery wallpapers seemed more like a dream to me than all the nightmares which plagued my sleep.

My slight stir sufficed to startle both Connor and Daryl awake. Daryl was sitting on a chair in a corner of the room, clutching the little crib they'd installed here, with Arley inside, enjoying a peaceful slumber. Connor sat on a stool by my side, with his head lying on his arms on the mattress and his hand in mine.

"Hey, Tine, ye okay, girl?" His tone was soft, the way ye'd addresses a sick person or a child, and I wanted to protest but found that I was even weaker than before.

"Wh-... Wha-..."

"Easy, love. Siddiq had to operate on ye to try and repair the damages. Ye were bleeding internally, but now ye should be fine. Don't try and stand up though."

"I... Okay... How is Arley? Did ye find how to feed him?" My speech was slurred and I found it hard to finish that sentence.

"Aye, he's doing fine. Rick found a woman from the Sanctuary's workers who had a baby a little older but still had milk."

"I remember her..."

"She remembers ye as well, lass. She said ye kept giving food to the kids there. So she was happy to help."

I sighed in relief.

"Same for Maggie. We've frozen some of hers as well, for when he needs it. It's all going to be okay."

"Maggie?" That astounded me.

"Right. Her and Glenn had a wee babe as well. He's not as cute as yers but close. Ye'll see." He winked at me with a smile, and I managed to squeeze his hand. "Don't worry, lass, Daryl's been taking care of everything. Yer little boy is in good hands."

With that, I painfully turned to the other man, who was rubbing his eyes as if he hadn't slept in days. Which might have been the case.

"Thank ye..."

He frowned, perhaps unhappy that I would thank him for taking care of his own child.

"Hey, Red."

And if hearing that nickname from him made me smile, I hated that he was still looking up at me from lowered eyes, almost askance. Eyes that he quickly set back on the baby, avoiding my own gaze. The only reason he was here at all was for Arley, I understood. Though I'm grateful they had chosen to keep his crib in my room despite everything.

"Ya feelin' alright?" he still asked.

"Like I've been pushed through a hammer mill... As expected, I guess. What about ye?"

His answer was cut off by the baby's wail. Daryl stood at once, although it was obvious from the heavy way he moved that he was exhausted.

"Imma change his diaper."

They had installed the changing station in the bathroom, so he picked up the tiny fussing baby and stepped out of the room, frustrating me to no end.

I guess Connor noticed my scowl, because he gently caressed my cheek. I was pissed, yet I have no idea what I expected of him. I had imagined our reunion would be all hugs and cries and laughs, however, it had been too long. Too taxing. Even for me. And when Connor expressed his tenderness, I found I wasn't ready to receive it either. I remained skittish. As if it was fake, because, surely, these emotions couldn't be genuine. I had forgotten what it felt like not to be afraid.

"How is Sive doing?"

"She's good. She wanted to stay here with ye as well, but she can't remain seated for more than a minute. I guess she takes after Murphy on that one. They're off getting some air, probably helping with the crops or something. They'll be elated ye're awake."

"Ye need to watch out for her, if I can't..."

"We are. We have for the past year, I'm sorry she slipped out just before the attack, I-"

"I know, ye've been keeping her safe all this time, I'm not worried about that. It's just that, when she got there... She killed Simon, Connor. She stabbed him in the stomach purposefully, like it was nothing."

He widened his eyes, aghast at the thought of his little girl doing something like that.

"Don't get me wrong, it was perfect. It was thought-out, done at the right time, in the right way, and definitely to the right man. But I'm still worried she doesn't realise what she's done yet. One of us should talk to her. Make sure she's alright. And perhaps that would be best coming from ye."

"Of course..."

"I still need to apologise; I asked a lot of her, when it all started to go down…"

"She missed ye so much, love. I don't know that we've been able to fill that gap..."

"We'd just never been apart before. But, she really does look well! Ye've done a great job... It's actually sort of comforting to know she's truly able to take care of herself. Even if I wished she didn't have to."

"She shouldn't have to."

"I think we've found out by now that we can't always protect everyone, not even each other..."

He gritted his teeth hard, and I realised I shouldn't have said that to him. Not after he'd spent almost a whole year probably trying, desperately, to find a way to protect me.

"Connor, ye know-"

But Daryl came back with a quiet and alert Arley in his arms, so I figured it was not the time. He shyly got closer to offer:

"Ya wanna hold him?"

And when he softly deposited our tiny son in my arms, I forgot all other concerns.

Only after I was able to admire his incredible curious eyes, his funny faces, and his teeny wee grabby hands, and he had fallen back asleep, did I press the lads for news of the outside world.

The battle with the Saviours had truly been won. But Rick had insisted that even some of the higher ranked lieutenant be left alive. Maybe, when I'll be able to stand up, I could inform him on the ones I thought he could trust, and the ones that would undoubtedly betray him. At least the fact that I had mixed with these people for so long would be a little helpful.

I also learned about the friends we'd lost in the war, and a little about the ones we'd gained. I learned about Dwight's amends, and the fact that Daryl had let him go. That Maggie and Glenn had taken the reins of the Hilltop form Gregory, and that Carol had moved to the Kingdom to live with Ezekiel.

I found out about Carl… Jesus, Carl…

As days passed, and I – way too – slowly came back to life, Daryl kept looking after Arley. Day and night, without pause. He barely ever rested, only here, sitting down; he fed him, changed him, rocked him to sleep, and gathered everything we needed. I could at least give my baby his bottle now, from time to time, but even then, he remained watching, in case I felt weak.

However, even with all that time spent together, we still never managed to speak. He avoided talking about all that had happened at all cost. And to be honest, I didn't want to either. I wanted this part of my life to be over. I wanted badly to start the next one. Yet, for that, I needed to get better first, and be able to take two steps without exerting myself.

All this while, Connor and Murphy had organised shifts so that one always remained around, while one stayed with Sive. Even though the one on watch regularly came to check up on us, they never stayed too long. I guess they didn't want to intrude. I made them feel like I needed space, I knew that, even if it wasn't true. But I didn't know how else to act.

Only Sive sometimes took Arley in her arms and learned to change diapers, speaking to him in our Irish mother tongue. But even her, I could tell that she was pretending like everything was alright.

I would have almost thought this pretense could hold. That we were only taking our time, finding our rhythm, if Daryl wasn't getting more exhausted each day. For the longest time, I didn't even dare tell him to go rest in his own damn room, for fear of making him think I was pushing him away. I just wanted him to be okay. Although, at the time, I thought that what he needed the most after months in captivity was his freedom of choice.

It's only, when, tonight, I wake up to find him with Arley in his arm, fussing and groaning because the bottle has fallen from his mouth, that I reach my limit. Daryl is holding him, with his eyes closed, out cold.

"Daryl? … Daryl!"

He's startled awake, but his arms were starting to loosen their grip, and, for a second, I thought he might let him fall. He only grunts in answer.

"That's it. Give him to me. Ye need to go have a real night of sleep."

"M' fine."

"No, ye're not. And even if ye were, ye don't need to do all this! There's plenty of us to help. It's not all on ye, ye know."

"Ya' the one that needs rest."

"And I do rest! That's all I do! Please let me take care of my son for one damn night!"

That's violent enough to make him waver. "I- Alright…"

"Promise me ye'll go lie down and only come back when ye're fully rested."

He grunts a noncommittal response. And he keeps feeding Arley until that one goes back to sleep. He often wakes up, but at least he's easy when he is. Only after he's delicately put his son back in his crib, does Daryl deign to go for the door. Three times he turns back to tell me where to find every item I might need, and even those I never will. I have the time to truly get pissed, and even to mellow out before he puts his hand on the door handle.

"Daryl?" I finally call before he leaves.

"Hm."

"Ye're his father no matter what, ye know. It's not because Connor or Murphy give us a hand once in a while that ye'll ever be cast aside." I'm not sure this is what's been bothering him, but I'm sure I needed to say it.

He only nods before stepping out.

And I'm left all by myself for the first time since I got back here.

I thought I needed a break from all the attention. But when I glance at my baby, fast asleep in his little wooden bed, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with anguish. Suddenly, I don't feel remotely strong enough to take care of him. I feel like I'm going to fail. Like I'll be forced to watch him being torn apart by walkers like Aíne. Or that he'll be taken away, like he was by Negan. And whatever happens, I'll be powerless. Like I've been before.

I'm having trouble breathing by the time the door opens slightly, and Murphy's head peeks in.

"Hi there, lass. Did ye throw Daryl out? He was grumbling like- Ye okay?" He frowns, realising immediately that I'm not, and he rushes by my side. "Hey, hun, it's okay, breathe, tell me where it hurts!"

"No… I'm-… I'm fine… I just-… I need…" I'm so scared he's going to say 'no', that, after what he knows I've done with Negan, with the proof of what I've done with Daryl right here before our eyes, after I've caused them so much distress, after he's seen me so helpless and pathetic, he must truly be disgusted for good this time.

However, he's here. Eyes full of concern. Barely daring to touch me.

"Could ye hold me? Please…" I manage to utter despite my fear. Because I end up feeling like I will die if he doesn't.

His arms encircle me, and yet, we both know it's not enough. "Can I climb in?" he sweetly makes sure.

I frantically nod.

So, my love hops on the bed and lies down right against me. He slips his arm under my head and gathers me close. When he hugs me, so tight I can barely breathe, is when I break.

Right here, wrapped in his embrace, I have a complete melt down. I weep like a child. Heaving, choking, clasping his clothes so hard I might tear them up.

"It's okay, Tine. It's okay, let it out…"

He clutches me more strongly, letting me know he's not going to let go. I bury my face in his chest. Murphy's chest. Shit, I missed him so bad, I didn't let myself feel it. I'm soaking his shirt with my tears while he kisses my forehead.

"I'm-… I'm sorry Murphy…" I manage between sobs.

"What for, lass? Ye're perfect."

"What for?" I burst out. "I had a baby with someone else! I-… I did unspeakable things… I-"

"Shhh, I don't fucking care. Ye're here. That's all that matters."

"How can ye say that? I betrayed ye! And… And Siddiq told me… He told me I can't have children any more. That's it. There's too much damage."

"So? I mean, did ye want other kids after all ye went through this time?"

"No, but ye… For ye…"

"Hey, I'm okay, lass! And Connor as well, trust me. Christ, ye think we'd want to risk yer life once again? Don't even think about it. We've got Sive. And… Hell, lass, if ye think that just because I'm not this one's da, that I won't take care of him as if he was my own, ye've gone crazy for real this time!"

"Murphy…"

"I don't care what anyone says. I might agree to leave him some room for now, but the kid's yers. Therefore he's mine as well. And if Daryl's not happy with that, I'll take it up with him. Don't ye worry about any of that, Tin'. We're good. We've got ye back. That's all we wanted."

"I'm just… I'm just so scared… I don't even know of what any more…"

"Myself as well. But now that we're all together, I know we'll be okay in the end, hun."

I suddenly feel exhausted, unable to keep my eyes open. As if this outburst had drained me of everything.

"Can ye stay here with me?" I ask like a wee bairn afraid of the dark. I need to revel in his smell, to bask in his strength, to relish the feeling of his lean and solid body against mine. I need it to remind myself that I'm not dreaming his presence.

"Of course, Tin'. I won't let go until ye fucking order me to."

With my arms around his torso, my legs tangled with his, hugging him so close I wished I could be molded with him, I breathe him in until I manage to clear my head, just enough to fall asleep.