After reaching the porch of Tim and Casey's house, Lou extended her hand to knock on the door, to let their father know there were visitors he wasn't expecting. She briefly hummed as she did it, as if she was thinking something funny.
"What...?" Amy asked and looked at her.
"Isn't it weird that dad can come to us, just walk in and feel like he is at home, and yet we come to him and have to knock?" Lou shared her thought.
"Well, I guess he still feels ownership of the house because he's lived there. We've never lived here", Amy pointed out. "It'd be rude to just walk in."
"Yeah, I know. Just funny how things change here when I always think nothing really does. Or I gain a new perspective while everything still seems familiar enough", Lou said as they kept waiting. "Do you think when we meet Grandpa John, we will feel this instant connection to him...?" she asked thoughtfully.
Amy wondered about that. Maybe it would be easier for Lou than for her because she had been older back when he had been in their lives and had more memories with him to share.
"Like you just know that even though years have passed, you're still family", Lou continued. That had happened with her and Tim right away after mom's passing, so maybe it would be possible with her and Grandpa John as well.
Amy's experience with something like that had always been a bit more trickier. "I don't know... Hard to say."
Tim came to open the door before their conversation continued, and talking about his father without him knowing made Amy feel guilty somehow. As if they had been doing something bad, because she knew he didn't like talking about him.
"Wh-what..." Tim let out a confused word. "What are you two doing here...?"
"We'd figure we'd come to visit", Lou took over the situation.
"Oh... I wish you would have called first", Tim said, looking over his shoulder. "The place is a mess. We're still trying to find a place for everything."
Lou waved her hand and shook her head, before she adjusted her handbag sling on her shoulder. "Ah, it's fine. Can we come in?"
"Sure, why not", Tim said, stepping out of the way. "Do you want something to drink? Coffee? Tea?"
Amy followed Lou in and looked around, trying to "find her dad" in this house, so to speak. It wasn't hard with all the trophies on the shelf or the other rodeo memorabilia they had scattered around. This even felt more like Tim than Big River ever had, in some weird way. Maybe Casey had somehow been able to bring him out in the open, more than he ever could have.
"I'm fine, thanks. Amy?" Lou drew Amy's attention back to her.
"Uh, yeah. I'm fine as well", Amy replied.
Tim walked to the cupboard, trying to find something to offer anyway. "You two together. Have to say I'm surprised."
"Why?" Lou asked.
"Well... you know, whatever's happening with Mitch. Didn't think you were in good terms with one another", Tim said, finding some kind of crackers and offering them to his daughters.
"No, thanks", Amy said, shaking her head. "And... nothing's going on with Mitch. Not anymore, anyway. I asked more space."
"Yeah, I heard", Tim said. "He paid a visit. Said he's out of the ranch. That's good. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself."
Amy felt awkward and glanced at Lou to know where they stood. She could only speak for herself and what her side was. Maybe bringing this up again would bring out her wrath as well.
"We're working it out", Lou said, and Amy could see her jaw clench, but at the same time it was obvious she was trying to fight it. "It's kind of why we are here, actually. Because we found we have something in common that might help us remember what really matters."
Tim frowned. "Besides a boyfriend?"
"He was not my boyf- Okay", Amy sighed, really not wanting to get into it.
"No", Lou added strictly, not wanting to get back to this again. The biggest problems she had with that situation were with Mitch, but he was not here, so she didn't want to drag him here either. Of course her relationship with Amy was still somewhat strained as well, but this wasn't the time and place where she wanted to deal with them.
"Okay, so this is actually perfect. Basically what I'm hearing is neither of you wouldn't have a problem if I'd buy him out of our business - if I can't convince Jack to continue with it, that is", Tim said.
"You'd do your business alone...?" Lou asked, concerned about her dad, especially after he had had his brain surgery not too long ago.
"Well, not necessarily. I was thinking maybe I could talk to Casey about it, but..." he hesitated. The timing for that wasn't exactly the best since he was still somewhat hurt by her going behind his back and talking to everyone about his father. "You know, 50/50, until we find someone else to help with the workload."
"You sure that's a good idea...? I mean, everyone always said to me that going into business with Ty might be bad for our relationship", Amy recalled. She didn't really know if it would have been true or not because they had never gotten that far.
"It can be a mistake", Lou agreed. "But if it works, it just works. I mean, whenever Peter and I worked on anything together, it was kind of amazing."
Amy kept her mouth shut about wanting to point out that Peter and Lou were now divorced because it probably wouldn't have mattered much in the conversation to begin with when it came to Lou and Tim since they were not only stubborn but they also always thought their ideas to be the best, and Amy also recognized she didn't have the experience they had when it came to business, so her comments would most likely get ignored completely anyway.
"Whatever you're thinking, it's not something I haven't already thought about", Tim said, handing them an apple, but when the girls both shook their heads, he bit into it himself. "The option I'm most likely going after first is convincing Jack to stay on board. Maybe even as a silent partner. Go on as if this heart attack of his never happened. It means I have to work harder, but at the same time, I don't have to worry too much about the arrangements."
"I don't know..." Amy said. "It seems like Grandpa really wants out - for good."
"Okay, then he's out. But that means Mitch is out too. His only saving grace has been the old man", Tim said. "So then I buy him out with Casey. Then we find someone to help-"
"This is all interesting and everything, but we didn't come here to hear about your business plan", Lou interrupted him. She didn't mind talking business with her dad, but there were more pressing matters at hand.
Tim looked at them in turns. "You came here for something...? I thought you were just visiting."
"Not exactly", Amy revealed. She could feel her heart beat faster.
"We want to know about Grandpa John", Lou admitted. Tim's face changed and he was almost ready to toss the apple away after losing his appetite. "I know you don't want to talk about him, but we do. We have the right to know what's going on with him. He is our grandfather, he is our family. And if you don't tell us, then we'll find... other ways. The choice is yours."
"What Lou is saying, we'd rather have your blessing", the younger sister added, trying to soften the blow.
"This is why you came here...?" Tim asked.
"Yes. We were in Okotoks already, very close to where he's staying", Lou shared, wanting her dad to know they were not kidding, "but Amy basically convinced me to come here instead and talk to you first. So, don't make me regret it."
Tim looked at the two of them, not really knowing what to say, but sensing he could no longer take back whatever was out of the bag already.
The pause gave Lou a sense of an opening. "Why haven't you told us he's still alive?"
"Because... it's easier this way", Tim said. "As your father, I feel the need to protect you."
"Protect us from what?" Amy asked. "Our grandfather?"
"From his disease", Tim described. "It's not pretty."
"Okay, so... we don't care. I think Amy and I are both old enough to know what's going on if he has Alzheimer's. Right?" she checked from her sister who gave her a nod. "You don't need to protect us from that."
"It's much more complicated than that", Tim continued. "I haven't seen him in years. I don't even really know the extent of it all."
"Okay, so why haven't you?" Lou asked. When she saw Tim's face and knew he felt like he was being accused of something, she felt the need to add: "I'm just asking so we can understand better."
Tim sighed.
"Why don't you sit down", he gestured finally and put the apple away.
Amy and Lou moved to the living room so they could all sit down and finally have this conversation. Tim removed some of the boxes and other items from the chairs so the two of them could sit down.
"I love my father", Tim wanted to clarify as the first thing when he too sat down. "Always have. That's why this is so hard for me."
Amy looked at her dad, thinking how it was rare to see him vulnerable like this, and it was usually when he felt like something was out of his hands, for example when Pegasus had been put down or he had found about the shadow over his brain scan.
"I remember vividly the first time this alarm in my head went off when my dad started to seem disoriented", Tim explained. "We were having a conversation during one of my visits - this was when he still lived at his home - and he was just... disconnected. His comment didn't make any sense. I thought it was his hearing at first, but he could hear fine. Even though it bugged me, I sort of waved it off, trying not to worry because I don't think I wanted to let that fear in. I thought if I pretended everything was fine, maybe it would be fine."
Amy and Lou listened quietly, studying their father in a situation that was both uncomfortable and yet necessary.
"But it just kept getting worse. Every time I came to visit, he would repeat the same things to me. At first I pretended it was because he didn't have many visitors at that point and not a whole lot was happening in his life, so maybe there was not much to tell or no one to tell it to, but he wanted to have something to talk about whenever I'd come for a visit, so he'd just say the same things over and over again. Almost like talk because he liked talking. But looking back, I know it was the disease setting in. And while it all happened fast... it was also like it was happening slowly", Tim described. "After a while, things changed a little bit more. I came to visit him more often, I guess I was feeling guilty for not doing it as much as I probably should have, and thought maybe that would change it all. Maybe he'd have more to talk about or he'd no longer repeat himself that much. But... I somewhat already realized I didn't know what to do with him - I was a mess myself, trying to get over an accident and my substance abuse problem and my addiction to drugs - and yet I also realized I didn't know what to do without him either. So I just did what I thought I was supposed to be doing."
Amy thought back to that time and everything she had thought her dad had been doing after Jack had kicked him out. This definitely was not any of those things she would have ever suspected.
Tim sighed heavily before he continued.
"I felt life was being unfair to me at that point. I had lost you guys, your mom, and now I was losing my only other family as well. I guess I wasn't in the best place in my life either, but I wanted to help him because he had always been the best dad to me and he was everything I had left. I owed it to him. But it just kept getting worse... The days with him felt like years, and he was just more and more confused and anxious and his behavior was childlike. It was a weird switch in our roles; I didn't want to be his parent, because I had always been his child. It wasn't supposed to go this way... Whenever I tried to help him to the bathroom or bed, he would forget what we were doing in the middle of it all, and get angry at me. Many times, he tried to hit me, and we'd always end up yelling at each other, and I'd feel ashamed about it afterwards, but it was just my tired, automatic response to yell back at him because I knew I was doing the right thing and he was resisting it. I treated him how I would have treated him if things were normal, but the reality was... he was like this imposter in my dad's body, and I hated him for hit. When he was sleeping, I'd look at him and remember the time he gave me a goat to practice my roping or teach me how to milk a cow. But as soon as he'd wake up, it was like he was gone. I started to feel guilty for hoping he would be... dead instead of being this stranger. It was like he wasn't totally gone and yet he was not there at all. So what really would have been the difference between him being dead instead of like this... - I know, I know, it's such a horrible thing to even think about, but my mind went there. I didn't like who I was around him, I didn't like how I treated him. I felt like the worst son in the world and I just knew he'd be better off somewhere else with people who'd know what they were doing. I knew I needed help too, so I checked into a rehab and started to get my life together."
"Wasn't there anyone who could have helped you with him...?" Lou asked.
"No, or well..." Tim said. Many times he had thought about "what would Jack do?" or if he could help him, but going back had not been an option. "Whenever the neighbors asked about the noises they'd hear, I'd feel ashamed. I felt like a loser in every single way. For losing my family, for getting hurt and being a mess... and I didn't want to lose him too, but I finally had to give him up, because the only reason I was holding onto him and maybe even making it worse was because of my selfish needs to prove something for myself."
"I'm sorry, dad..." Lou said after a small beat.
Amy got up and came to hug him. She could feel the pain coming out of him, and while it would have been easy to judge him for "abandoning" his father to this nursing home, she also understood why he had felt he had had no other choice and how it must have all affected him, especially when he had been trying to get back on his feet on his own at the same time.
Lou too got up and came to rub her father's back.
"I'm sorry we weren't more understanding and respecting of your choice", she said, looking at Amy who leaned back after a while to give Tim more room. When they exchanged glances, Lou felt thankful about Amy being so stubborn and insisting visiting dad instead of just going to the nursing home without having to hear their dad's side of this. Maybe things didn't always have to go her way. There needed to be more empathy involved in decision-making, as Amy had just proved.
"I haven't been able to tell this to Casey, because I fear she might judge me. Or not want me anymore, because... maybe she'd realize I'm a horrible person", Tim admitted. "And that's why it's been easier to just push her off. Or this topic altogether, because I don't want to be seen like that. I want to be seen as I am... But maybe I'm still the same person. Maybe I haven't changed at all."
"I don't think she'd think that, if you'd just explain this to her", Amy replied. "She's a very caring and understanding person. And you have changed, we've seen it."
"That's the thing", Tim scoffed. "Maybe I haven't changed enough. I'm still always filled with this... anger when things don't work out the way I want them to. I still feel that person inside me when all I want to do is to protect the people I love."
"Well, doesn't mean you couldn't still do something about it", Lou figured. "Maybe by keeping this out of your mind has made the process stop."
Amy nodded. "I think we always have room for improving ourselves. To not only give other people a chance to see and feel the change but for ourselves too."
"Thanks, girls..." Tim said, looking at them both. "I understand you want to see him, your grandfather. And I'd love for you to meet him again, but I also have to warn you, he might not be what you want him to be. I guess I just wished you could remember him the way you do. As this nice guy who would do anything for his family. But we were robbed that opportunity when the disease took over."
"We can still have that too - through you. Maybe if you share your memories and stories about him, we can remember him that way as well", Amy suggested.
Lou nodded. "And when you're ready, I think it could be a good for thing, for him and for you, if we'd all went to visit him together. And this time, you would not be alone. You'd have us there to help you."
Tim nodded gently, looking at his daughters. "Whatever good there is in you, I just know it's because of your mom. And I'm thankful for that every day."
"We love you, dad", Amy wanted to say.
"I love you too. Both of you. Very much."