Serena accepted the hot chocolate from Ginny Weasley gratefully and wandered outside, escaping the noise for a few moments. The Burrow was packed full of Weasleys, students, and Order members and the atmosphere was a little overwhelming. The living room was covered in paper chains and Molly was blasting Celestia Warbeck's Christmas special at full volume on the radio.
She sipped at her drink and looked out over the snow-covered distant hills. She wondered what Severus was doing now, hundreds of miles away, locked in a house with psychopaths.
She shivered.
It was cold.
When she headed back inside, she spotted Samuel helping Lavinia walk her way around the kitchen, whilst a delighted Max played exploding snap with the twins. Remus was sitting by the fire with Arthur Weasley and Harry.
She squeezed herself onto the sofa next to him, but the sudden lull in conversation made her freeze.
"Don't stop on my account," she said bluntly, taking another sip of her chocolate.
Remus shifted uncomfortably but it was Harry that looked her square in the face. He was quickly becoming a man, she remarked silently.
"Professor- it's about Snape."
"Professor Snape, Harry," she sighed, looking up at him and trying to hold an air of disinterest whilst her whole body tensed expectantly.
Harry grimaced, "yes, him."
"Harry," Remus warned quietly, but the young boy shook his head.
"She needs to know!"
"Know what?" she drawled tiredly.
"Look, after Slughorn's party the other day, I saw Snape cornering Malfoy. He- he was offering help to Malfoy for something and he said that he'd taken an unbreakable vow! I'm sure it was Malfoy that nearly killed Katie, professor, and-"
"Harry," she interrupted firmly, "what are you expecting from me after telling this story? That I'll be shocked? Surprised? That I'll confront Professor Snape? I'm well aware of what goes on, thank you very much. You know very well the role Professor Snape has in this war… did it never appear possible to you that he was merely pretending to offer help?"
"That's what I said," Arthur Weasley said quickly.
"But how do we know for sure?" Harry exclaimed, frustrated.
"It is not our business to know, Harry,"* Remus said sharply. "It's Dumbledore's business, and it's Severus' business, and nothing to do with you."
"But-" Harry threw a hesitant glance at Serena. "Just say Dumbledore's wrong about Snape-"
"Harry," Serena interrupted through gritted teeth. "I have been very tolerant of this conversation so far, but Severus is sacrificing a lot for our cause, and I won't allow you to question his loyalty anymore."
"But you-" Harry dared continue, turning to Remus now. "do you honestly like Snape?"*
"I neither like nor dislike Severus," said Remus. "No, Harry, I am speaking the truth.* You know very well that Sirius and I had a lot of negative history with Severus… there is too much bitterness there, but we have found a steady compromise… He still makes my Wolfsbane Potion every month, though he is not obliged to… I see a different side to him now, we all do, and I trust him explicitly. So should you."
Serena's throat was burning. She didn't know why she was still sitting there. She should have walked out minutes ago, but something kept her glued in her seat.
The loud voice of Fleur Delacour drew their attention from across the room, and the conversation was dropped. Remus placed a hand on her knee and gave it a squeeze, but her mind was too deep in tormented thoughts to feel it.
She stayed another hour, only to be by Remus' side. She could feel how much he was struggling, there as a single Father when last Christmas he had been dancing with Sirius and planning their future as a family.
Celebrations and special occasions were always the worst. Even now she had Severus, she would still feel Kingsley's loss the most at Christmas and birthdays.
"I'm heading off," she caught Remus gazing out of the window later on, watching the Weasleys and Harry playing catch with an enchanted quaffle.
Remus gave her a sad smile and put his arm around her shoulders. "Can't I persuade you to stay?"
"No, thank you, I've been looking forward to my Hogwarts Christmas dinner all day, and I told Albus I would be keeping an eye on the kids in the Great Hall."
"Don't take what Harry said too seriously, will you?"
Serena melted into Remus' side a little more. "No, no of course not."
"Hmm."
"Have a lovely day, make sure you take a few photos of Vinnie for me, okay?"
Remus agreed and pulled her into a tight hug. "See you tomorrow?"
"Yes why not," she smiled, hugging him back tightly. She waved bye to the others and headed outside to the apparition point alone.
Dinner at Hogwarts was a quick affair. She sat with Albus, Slughorn, Sybil and Hagrid, the only teachers who apparently didn't have anywhere else to be, whilst a handful of students ate together on the Gryffindor table. It seemed the parents were keen to have their children back this Christmas.
Albus was infuriating her. He sat, talking cheerfully to Slughorn about Rosmerta's mead, he chuckled at Hagrid's jokes and he even dared talk about next year's Christmas and his hope to throw a ball.
She couldn't imagine how it must be for him, knowing that he didn't have long left, but she didn't have the patience to try and understand his feelings. Harry's words echoed in her head. Do you honestly like Snape? Dumbledore's wrong about Snape…
How dare they! She thought angrily. How dare they! They had no idea! Not a single one of them!
Blood and bone flashed before her eyes and her fork clattered to her plate noisily. She wiped her mouth with her napkin and her eyes focussed on her half-eaten food.
"If you'll excuse me," she said quietly, standing up. Hagrid protested, but she made some excuse and slipped from the Hall.
She was almost shaking with anger by the time she got back to her quarters. She opened a bottle of wine and poured herself a glass, sliding into her window seat and gazing unseeingly over the grounds.
"Fuck," she muttered, squeezing her fist around her glass. "Fuck them all. Fuck every single one of them."
She sat, watching the sky grow darker as her thoughts did.
They had no idea, no fucking idea of what he was going through. He had sacrificed his entire life for them and he wouldn't stop until he was dead.
It was clearly their last Christmas together, she had realised at some point. Unless they both somehow miraculously survived the war and then weren't murdered by haters afterwards. They didn't have long left. The happy future she had once dared to imagine for them was as lost as she was.
She filled up her glass, noticing blandly that the bottle was almost empty already. "Accio purse," she muttered, pointing her wand at her handbag.
She opened her purse and pulled out the black business card he had handed her the previous day. She had spent all night trying to discover what charms it held. She had stripped it for magic, she had tried every single revealing incantation she could think of, she had even snuck into his quarters to check a spell from one of his rarer books, but still nothing.
She had casually pulled it out in front of Remus, who had simply said that it had been an age since he'd been to that shop, which confirmed for her that others saw it as a simple business card, too. She had dipped it in water, set fire to it, and done everything she could think of except tear it in two.
She turned it over in her hands again and tried to rack her brain. Her thoughts were sluggishly slow. She pressed it to her lips, nothing happened. She breathed on it, nothing. She even dripped a few drops of wine onto it before realising it was a stupid idea.
She sipped her wine.
Why would he have given her this card? What could possibly be hidden beneath it?
Was it some sort of key?
Would it open something?
Would it lead her somewhere? Point in certain directions?
Could the words re-organise themselves so that she could communicate with him? The thought sparked hope in her stomach. He had said that he had one the same…
"Communicatus," she whispered, pointing her wand at the letters.
Nothing.
She tutted.
The idea of a key wasn't so bad, though. She stood up unsteadily and picked up her glass, pouring the final drops of the bottle into it. The glass and card in one hand, and her wand in the other, she crept out of her chambers and sneaked down the corridor to Severus' door. It was almost nine, surely the students would be in their common rooms by now.
She placed her palm on the wood and let herself in.
The door shut quietly behind her and she pointed her wand at the lamps, bathing his living room in a soft glow.
She moved her wand to the card and said, "point me." She waited. Nothing. "Guide me… direct me… open fucking sesame."
She walked purposefully around his chambers, holding the card close to all of his doors, expecting some kind of pull. She went into his bedroom and opened the wardrobe, running her fingers through his fine robes. In a box at the bottom, there were two Death Eater masks. She looked at them with disgust before shutting the doors. She moved now to their bedside tables and opened the drawer of his.
She didn't have to look to know what was in there, but she checked anyhow. There were several potions inside; a dreamless sleep, a strong pain potion, a blood replenisher, a potion for cruciatus cramps, and several poison antidotes. There was also a large roll of bandage, some muggle painkillers, and a packet of cigarettes.
She frowned at the last item. She had smelt smoke on him once or twice over the last few months, but she hadn't known he was such a regular smoker to keep a packet in his drawer. What else didn't she know? She pulled out the cigarettes and held them to her nose. Not that it mattered, of course. It's not like they were going to kill him, he would be dead long before any cancer could get a hold on his lungs…
She clutched the little box tightly in her hand and swallowed her burning throat.
"Fuck them all," she whispered as she put it back, bringing the card to her attention once more. She padded back through into the kitchen and sat it down on the table, settling herself into one of his hard-backed chairs and drawing up her feet.
She sipped at her wine.
"I love Severus Snape," she said loudly, pointing her wand at the card. "Severus Snape is the best… Slytherin is the best…" she cut off suddenly as the words on the card caught her eye. Just as she had hoped, the letters had rearranged themselves. Almost gasping with excitement, she clutched the card between her two hands and said clearly, "Slytherin is the best."
You can do better than that.
She could almost hear his smirk inside her head.
She threw it back down onto the table in frustration and got up to walk around the kitchen. She opened his cupboards and looked through the ingredients stored there, remembering how they had cooked together for the very first time at his house so long ago. There had been sexual tension in the air, even then. She had remembered having to make a conscious effort not to brush against his elbow as she chopped up the vegetables. She had laughed so freely at his attempt to try and cheat by using magic… It had been strangely wonderful…
In the last cupboard she found two bottles of Ogden's and she pulled one down with a whiskey glass.
"It is Christmas…" she muttered to the judgmental voice inside her head.
The smooth liquid burned her throat and soothed her nerves. She should have cursed Harry that morning. She should have tied his tongue and kicked him out. How dare he. How dare he doubt Severus when Severus had saved his life more than once! Severus had risked his own so that Harry could be transported from Little Whinging last summer! Severus lied to the Dark Lord to protect him! And that spoilt brat thought what? That Severus was helping Draco, that Severus was lying this whole time? That he wanted purebloods to dominate the world? That he wanted Harry dead?
Well, she thought slyly, he probably did, but still…
"Fuck them all!" she said a little louder. "Fuck them all!"
And Harry was just a boy, what about those worthless adults who knew what Severus was sacrificing? The Order members like Tonks and the Weasleys who knew when he was serving the Dark Lord, who knew when he came back injured, but always always preferred to turn a blind eye, because the truth was just too horrible to handle.
She filled her glass again.
Were they aware that he had been so close to death so many times? That he came back bleeding, that he had his knee-caps shattered and his back felt like sand paper he was so scarred?
Did they know that he had been forced to do such horrific things that he had tried to kill himself? That he had pointed his wand at his temple and said those words?
Could they imagine feeling so much shame to take a knife to their forearms to try and cut out the symbol of their oppression? Could they?
The memories of blood and tendon and bone came back to her and she nearly vomited.
"Fuck them," she sniffed, taking another gulp of whiskey. "Fuck them."
And Albus, of course it was Albus, the puppet master, sitting in his tower, opening his fucking Christmas socks and sparkling his blue eyes at the world. Locking himself away with The Chosen One or deserting the castle for days at a time, leaving them all in danger but not saying why.
Albus, Albus who said he loved Severus, before stabbing him in the back.
Albus, who said he saw her like a daughter, who had walked her down the fucking aisle for god's sake, and yet was now dragging her husband away, and throwing away their happiness.
Albus, who-
Serena stopped, a sudden thought lighting up the front of her brain. She looked down at her clenched fists and opened her fingers, pulling off her two rings quickly. Her bond ring, with the beautiful emerald stone, and her wedding ring, a simple silver band filled with love and protective magic.
She turned them over between her fingers and read the words etched into the bands.
She didn't have to try to know that it was right.
She put her fingertips on the small black card and drew it closer to her, before closing her eyes and whispering,
"With my life."
Her fingertips vibrated and she knew it had worked. Her eyes flew open and what she saw made tears burst from her eyes at once, as too much emotion overwhelmed her.
How? When? Why?
She cradled the card in her palm and watched through blurry eyes as the photographic Severus and Serena shared a genuine smile, and he took her hand in his, pulling her closer so he could plant a kiss on her forehead. She watched as the two people in the tiny photograph shared that smile again and again, how their fingers linked together, how he closed his eyes when he kissed her. She looked again, she saw how close they were, how they only had eyes for each other, how perfect they looked together.
It was long minutes before she tore her eyes away from the tiny photograph.
How? She asked herself again.
If she was right, this was taken in Grimmauld Place at some point before the summer. Perhaps May or June, judging by her tanned skin.
Who? Who had taken this? How on earth did Severus have a photo of the two of them?
She remembered at the beginning of their relationship, how sad she had been that they would never ever have a photo together. It was too risky, way too risky, but now…
As she looked down, the photo had disappeared, smoothed over with black ink and letters about Quidditch.
"With my life," she whispered for a second time, gazing in awe as the words melted away, to be replaced by the same happy couple, the same smile, that magical kiss.
She held the photo in her hands and cried. She shook at the beauty of it all, at this amazing present he had offered to her. She knew it would be safe, their secret, she knew that the time and effort gone into this photo meant that Severus was one hundred percent certain that it would never be viewed or discovered by anyone else. And what was more, he had the same one.
She pictured the little black card, hidden in his leather wallet.
Now, even if they were separated, she would always have this little part of him, always this little bit of proof that their love story had happened. She could look at this photo and remember that what they had was real…
The thought of losing him choked her.
The thought of having only this photograph strangled her and squeezed her insides.
It wasn't possible.
She couldn't live without him.
She couldn't let him live without her, she wouldn't.
He was teetering on the edge and without her to balance him, he would be lost forever.
Severus would kill Albus and he would free-fall into the darkness with nothing and no one to stop him. How many people would he have to kill or torture with only his Death Eater persona remaining? How many shards of his soul would be torn and fragmented for their war?
She wouldn't allow it. She just wouldn't, she couldn't. She had the power to change it all.
She slid on her rings with trembling hands and put the card safely into her pocket. She wiped away her tears and stood up, determination and acceptance taking over.
She gripped her wand tightly in her hand and stumbled through his rooms and out into the corridor. Her feet carried her forward, her body knew it was the right thing to do, the only thing to do. She could finally see clearly, she could only now see another way out of this mess. She would do it for him.
She didn't feel the cold as she hurried along to her destination, her breath coming in rasps as she gathered her courage around her.
"Fucking sugar quill," she slurred to the gargoyles guarding his lair.
They slid apart to reveal the staircase and she charged up it, shouldering the stone wall bumpily until she arrived at the top. She gripped her wand, took a deep breath and blast open the door.
In two large strides she stood in the centre of his room and pointed her wand straight between the blue eyes that weren't sparkling anymore.
"Serena, what can I do for you at this late hour?"
"Nothing. I'm here to kill you."