A/N: Deeks had told Kensi he wanted to leave NCIS so they could have a future that didn't involve bullets and bombs, but that was only part of the reason. Takes place after season 9 episode, "The Monster". Is a bit AU with plenty of angst.

"This is the most horrifying thing I've ever seen," Hidoko had said, her face reflecting that horror. Later, her comment would make him think and pause. It wasn't the most horrific thing he'd ever seen. Or was it? It certainly didn't feel like it. If it was, he expected to be kept up at night, no matter how exhausted he might be. And when he did fall asleep, Deeks had expected nightmares. But none of that had happened.

It was a couple days later, as he was writing yet another report on the case, filling in the gruesome details in a mindless fashion, that it occurred to him. Recounting the moment he'd found the victim wasn't causing the expected disgust and shivers up his spine. Instead, he felt an odd kind of numbness. He scrolled back through his report and read his completely detached, yet thorough description of how Lieutenant Weir's head was attached to another victim's torso.

Rereading it, he felt his stomach clench sickeningly, not in response to the vivid imagery, but to himself. How had he pushed it away so easily? Everyone else could barely talk about it, had mentioned the new addition to their nightmare inventory. And Hidoko, she was taking it the hardest and still looked dazed every so often, the least used to this level of violence and depravity.

What kind of monster was he that he didn't feel the same?

His stomach clenched again and Deeks stood up abruptly, pushing his chair back several feet in the process. Kensi, Sam and Callen all looked at him as he hastily escaped, making a beeline for the restroom. He locked himself in one of the stalls, his shaking fingers missing the latch several times, and then he collapsed to his knees. His stomach heaved and he thought he might be sick.

Over the years, he'd assumed his ability to handle the most horrific cases without being overly affected was a sign of his experience. Now he wasn't so sure. He sat on the cool, time worn tiles, his legs cramped in the small space, until his stomach settled slightly. The last thing he needed was for someone to come looking for him. That would only lead to questions he didn't have the answers for.

Blowing out a long breath, he clumsily got to his feet and stumbled out to the sinks. When he looked in the mirror, his eyes were wild, panicked. There was no way he could face Kensi like this; she would know something was wrong immediately. Leaning over the sink, he splashed water over his face, the coolness centering him slightly and bringing clarity to the situation.

For months he's been hinting at his desire to leave NCIS and maybe law enforcement all together. His reasons had always been about their physical safety and ensuring they would have a chance to have chilrdren and live like a normal family. Now, there was even more reason to leave. Only god knew what he would be capable of if he grew even more desensitized.

When he faced his reflection again, some of the mania was gone and he took several more calming breaths until he thought he could face the team again.

"Hey, you ok?" Kensi asked a few minutes later, half rising from her chair. Deeks waved off her concern, making a face.

"Yeah, I think I just ate something that didn't agree with me," he told her. Callen shook his head and said,

"I keep telling you not to buy fish tacos at the end of the day." Kensi narrowed her eyes at Deeks.

"We ate the same thing and I feel fine."

"Huh, well I feel fine now," he insisted, shrugging nonchalantly. Sam eyed him a little suspiciously, but didn't say anything. As Callen started teasing Sam about how he'd spend his weekend, Deeks found himself watching Kensi. If he hadn't been certain before, seeing her only reinforced his decision. He needed to leave, not just for her sake, but his as well.

A/N: This idea occurred to me while I was thinking about the character, Garcia, from Criminal Minds. Although she always seems just as shocked by every case, I believe at some point, she wonders if she's becoming numb to the violence. I thought it would be interesting to explore this theme with Deeks.