A Rafael Interlude

At the Ministry, Rafael didn't have time to worry about what his beautiful and competent fiancée might have been summoned for. It was the time of year when the Ministry opened its doors to new applicants, and once more he had ask Larna to help him put on makeup so he his appearance would be different enough that people wouldn't immediately recognize 'Sirius- aren't-you-supposed-to-be-dead-Dieke' and lead to awkward questions, but still be recognizable enough that people he'd worked with would recognize him.

They were also a bit undermanned, though he hoped to change that by attracting new recruits to the department. The Magic Tool Laboratory was still considered the department newcomers wanted to go to the least, but he hoped the showing they'd made a few days ago had been able to change that. There was nothing he could do about the fact the department was, to put it bluntly, full of weirdoes. Rafael, however, considered himself something of a connoisseur when it came to weirdoes. Katarina Claes was a weirdo. Sophia Ascart was a weirdo. His good friend Nicol was a weirdo, it was just hard to tell because of his stupidly pretty and unexpressive face. His beloved Maria was a weirdo who reigned supreme above all weirdoes, and he'd laugh in the face of anyone who said otherwise.

So, rather than trying to hide it or downplay it, or make themselves a series of bizarre non sequiturs, Rafael had (with authorization from the department director, of course) ordered everyone to lean into it. On recruitment day, and for all of recruitment week, they'd gone full on, non-stop, back to the fog wall totally Katarina Claes.

He recalled what he'd said at the emergency department meeting they'd had, three days before the new recruits had arrived. It had been held after work hours, in one of the general meeting rooms, but that hadn't been a problem because most of those who worked for the department, excluding him and, strangely, Larna Smith, all lived in the dormitories. Which was actually kind of sad, come to think of it. Only Sora had been absent, and while was of the Magic Tool Laboratory in all but name, that name was important

"Lords," he said as he sat at… not the head of the table, that was where the director said, his leg comfortably manacled to a table leg so he wouldn't wander off. "Ladies. Lord dressed like ladies."

"Excuse me?" Laura said, raising an imperious and muscle-bound eyebrow.

"I was actually referring to Nix," Rafael said. "Aren't plunging necklines a lady thing?"

Everyone looked at the plunging, v-shaped opening in the front of Nix Cornish's altered Ministry robes, which were all sparkly and fluttery.

"Why should ladies get all the fun fashions?" Nix said.

"My apologies, Shadow Director," Laura said. "Please continue."

"Then I won't mince words," Rafael said. "Everyone in this department is a weirdo. I'm sure none of us joined the Ministry looking to make a career working with magic tools."

"Ahem," Larna Smith said

"Usual suspect excluded," Rafael amended. "But you're all here, and I have to say… I'm glad you are. Because no matter what anyone says, the people here are among the most capable, intelligent, hardworking, and friendliest people in the Ministry, and I'm proud to know you. So what if Lisa can only talk to people through a puppet, or Laura can deadlift a knight in full armor with one hand? That's actually pretty awesome!" Everyone nodded, even Chad Braddington, who even during the meeting was still doing curls with a heavy barbell in his sleeveless uniform.

"Sadly, most of society is boring as junk and are just too intimidated to be in the presence of such awesome for very long," he continued, making everyone smile. Save for himself, everyone here was a lord or lady, with either a title of their own or set to inherit one as at least a spare. They knew how they were seen. But it felt nice, to be praised and flattered by someone who wasn't being sarcastic and actually liked them. "But! This year, we have a chance! A small chance, but still a chance! For this year is the year when a complete and total weirdo graduated from the Academy, one who has significantly reduced people's resistance to accepting minor peccadilloes. I am speaking of Katarina Claes."

There were murmurs and furrowed brows.

"The daughter of Duke Claes of Morpork?" Lisa said her raccoon puppet, her head and the puppet's titling inquisitively at the same time. "The fiancée of the Third Prince?"

"You forgot 'unofficial saint'," Rafael said, "but yes, her. I don't know what rumors you might have heard, but take it from me as someone who knows her: the girl is a weirdo. She has a secret farm plot among the Academy gardens, she's an absolute romance novel fiend, and she invented fried vegetables."

There were gasps.

"She invented fried vegetables?" Laura said. "I must congratulate this woman as soon as I finish berating her. Those things go straight to my thighs, but I can never get enough!"

"Soooo good…" Nix said, swishing his hair as he looked with dramatic longing.

"I was hoping she'd take a job here at the ministry," Rafael continued.

"Why would a duke's daughter who was also a prince's fiancée join the ministry?" Agatha Homodyne said, taking a swig from her beaker that smoked ominously, and for some reason, Larna sneezed. Rafael didn't know how she could stand that stuff. It had way too much sugar!

"Because she's enough of a weirdo to go for it," Rafael said. "Unfortunately for us, she decided to go be a knight instead, so now she's on her squireship. BUT! This has left us with an opportunity! This year's academy graduates are predisposed to be less judgmental and even a little admiring of weirdos as a result. So we simply have to take what others would see as our weaknesses and alter the presentation to make ourselves attractive."

"Is this your way of getting us to put on 'proper' Ministry uniforms and act normal?" Chad said. "Because no one's taking way my weights."

"Chad, I don't think I'd be physically capable of it. Those things are huge and I'm a wet noddle," Rafael said. "But no, this isn't a 'look presentable' speech. Except it is. But I don't want you to act 'normal'. I want you to act like yourselves and look good doing it. So, against my better judgment… Larna, will you step forward."

Larna stood from her seat at the very end of the table and walked around to stand next to him.

"Against my better judgement, I have had Larna analyze your appearances and use her completely unsanctioned expertise in spying and disguises to devise ways for you all to be, not to mince words, look even more interesting without making people step back nervously," Rafael said. "We will also be doing some mild redecorating of the department's office. Lisa, you have the list of functional magic tools?"

"Yes, Shadow Director," Lisa said through her raccoon as she slid forward a small stack of papers.

"All right," Rafael said. "Most of you have tested the magic tools by now, and the absolute scrap is being broken down for mercury and parts. But some do work, or at least do something stable and inoffensive, so I want you all to pick three to five magic tools to keep on your desk and familiarize yourself with their use. By the time the recruits get here, I want us to seem like a casual workplace that's ahead of all the other departments and with labor-saving magic tools that will make working here easier. In aid of that, Larna will be installing a new magic tool based on a copied design."

"It's not copied, it's improved!" Larna smith declared, clenching a fist for emphasis. "My new temperature maintenance magic too is infinitely superior to that inferior Leona Romani design you told me about! Hers can only cool the inside of a carriage! My magic tool will cool the entire office!"

"Basically, Larna made a magic tool that will make sure it's not so hot in here and keep the temperature at a refreshing level," Rafael said. "Hopefully the snags will be worked out before the recruits get here. Also, Larna finally fixed the teapot magic tool and assures me this one will not launch itself in a pillar of steam and hit the ceiling. So tomorrow we have hot tea on tap again."

There was a cheer.

After that had come a rigorous crash course on how everyone was to leverage their individual personality quirks for, as Larna and Rafael had agreed, maximum Katarina-style impact. It helped that the Magic Tool Laboratory was full of natural pleasant people. Even Agatha, despite her unnerving grins. Some had needed to have their altered uniforms altered, but it had been in the direction of making them look more… sleek was the only word that came to mind. Brad's uniforms had been recut to be properly sleeveless to show off his muscles, and Larna had coached him to look more confident as he did his curls, so that he was less the 'weightlifting weirdo' but the 'friendly and helpful and charming weightlifter'. Laura had and Nix had gotten more sleek cuts to their uniform, making their modifications a natural part of their ministry garb rather than modifications. Indeed, they'd asked Laura for the name of the seamstress so they could commission more, as they found they liked the look. Even Lisa's raccoon had gotten a uniform of its own.

"He's a ministry employee too, after all, so he should be in uniform," Larna had said.

Rafael didn't see much, since as vice-director he had meetings to attend, favor-trading with other departments to do, and had to remind Larna– who'd chosen to show up looking almost exactly like Katarina Claes in proper ministry uniform, even down to the mischievous smile, as her way of standing with the rest of the department– that she was supposed to work and demonstrate the safely impressive magic tools, not get caught up in her long-distance rivalry with Leona Romani and whatever new magic tool she'd made.

Still, at the end of recruitment week, their efforts had clearly paid off, as they had actual applicants submitting a preference for their department, instead of just getting the dregs none of the other departments wanted. Rafael even recognized some of the names from his days on the student council. These people were actually competent and intelligent!

Afterward came the haggling, so to speak. Some departments wanted particularly talented people, some people had submitted a preference for multiple departments, and so the directors (or their representatives) all went back and forth, claiming this candidate, exchanging that candidate, fighting to get these two candidate so they could later trade them for that candidate…

It was grueling and vaguely dehumanizing for the applicants, but in the end, in addition to Sora, who was already a Magic Tool Laboratory apprentice and had only needed to undergo the official orientation, the department had also gotten two others, a good haul and significantly more than they'd expected.

Rafael actually knew them by sight. Sienna Nelson and Marsha Catley had been first years in the academy when he'd left, and he'd been able to inflame the former's emotions to get her to accuse Katarina of bullying.

Look, it seemed like a good idea at the time, okay? He blames the dark spirit possessing him at the time.

Anyway, both had applied to this department. Indeed, Sienna had applied for only the Magic Tool Laboratory, making her a shoo-in Rafael had fiercely kept hold of no matter how many offers of favors he'd gotten to trade her. The young woman had really good grade, after all, and a lot of the research departments had wanted her.

"Welcome to the Magic Tool Laboratory," he greeted the newcomers. "We look forward to working with you for many years to come."

Sienna blinked. "Wait, aren't you Sirius Dieke?" she said.

"I get that a lot," Rafael said. "But no, I'm not, though I'd understand why you'd think so. He's my half-brother. I've vice-director Rafael Walt."

Half-brother. Different last name. Sienna knew enough about noble society to get the implications.

"Ah, my apologies, Vice-Director," Sienna said, curtsying.

Rafael laughed. "None of that, please. The department's too small to have room for much formality. Come on, I'll show you newbies around, since I have time. You can meet the other newbie working in the actual laboratory part of the Magic Tool Laboratory. Then we can have your welcome party. Follow me."

"Um, vice-director, I notice that the uniforms are not… ah…" Marsha waffled.

"Uniform?" Rafael said. "Yes. You see, the Magic Tool Laboratory is… sort of special. If you want to modify your uniforms, I'm sure no one would mind."

Smiling, he led them to the back where Larna was still in full Katarina fashion souls, as the ancients called the practice of dressing exactly like someone else, and tried not to worry about what Maria might be doing…

The wall of fog stood before them it was completely opaque, Maria knew that beyond it, good men and women of the Abyss Watch had died, hoping to bring down their foe while a squire had been sent to relay what had happened. Hopefully, some of those knights had managed to keep body and Dark Soul together, and were waiting for an opportunity to revive…

She looked at her companions, who all nodded determinedly. As one, they stepped through the fog, and entered a large open space. strewn about seemingly randomly there the bodies of fallen knights.

And at the cave's center, standing atop an unassuming man, stood a dragon with a body darker than night with a long neck and bat-like wings, outlined in bright white.

In Maria's shadow, her Dark Familiar quivered.

The dragon saw them and roared!

Life-consuming Dark Familiar Dragon
(▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓)

Lady Maria Campbell, Wielder of Light and Darkness
(▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓)

Kal, the Windrunner – (=/=/=/=/=)

Lalatina, the Immovable – (=/=/=/=/=)

Wacsill, the Dawnshot – (=/=/=/=/=)

A/N: So, my Pat-reon is up now at P.A.T.R.E.O.N.C.O.M -/-SCM2814. If you want to support this fic, that would be great, but no pressure. But if you do, you'll also get advanced access to my new original fiction series about a wizard on the frontier, her dungeon, and the idiots around her...