Clary had been thinking alot about love lately. Love and life, and the future to be more specific. She was glad Jace seemed happier when she'd seen him visiting Alec last month. His little bird comment made her pretty sure he knew it had been her who'd convinced Celine to visit and paid for her plane ticket. There had been something about his manner that day that made Clary feel like her presence didn't upset him anymore. The times that she'd seen Jace before then, it had almost seemed like looking at her had caused him pain.
Clary didn't know what this change meant. Had he forgiven her? Was he still in love with her like Simon thought he was? Now that school was over and Clary was nothing more than a barely employed blob on her friend's couch, what should she do with her life?
The obvious answer to at least half her problem was to look for a full time job. Just getting this part time one had been such a bother she wasn't sure she was going to enjoy the process at all. Though she didn't regret using most of her savings to help Celine fly up for Christmas, it meant she'd have to start saving for her own place all over again. The great thing about living with Malec was that even on a part time job she could manage quite easily since they weren't charging her rent.
Even so, was that enough? Did Clary just wanna spend her time folding clothes at Alicante Attire with Izzy and coming home to Mr. and Mr. Soulmates every day? Was that her future?
"Urg!" Clary groaned, burying her face in her pillow.
"Oh cheer up," Alec's voice chirped from down the hall.
Though she hasn't asked specific questions, Clary knew whatever had been bothering Magnus was over now. Since everyone had gotten back from the holidays, and especially since Alec and Magnus's weekend at his aunt's place, the unspoken anxiety around them had completely disappeared. Clary was glad of it, and decided not to ask any nosy questions. She'd just been a good house sitter and fed the cats while they were gone.
"Easy for you to say Mr. Always Cheerful," Clary grumbled at her roommate.
"Just because you don't know what you wanna do with your life, or if you'll ever be happy in love, is no reason to sulk on the couch with your face in a pillow," Alec stated.
Feeling exacerbated by her friend's words, Clary sat up to look skeptically at him. "Okay so in your opinion what is a problem worth sticking your face in a pillow for?" she asked. "Because the ones you listed seem pretty worthy to me."
Alec just shrugged. "Can't think of any," he said.
"Useless," Clary sighed, and returned to her face in pillow state.
"Don't you have work to do?" Alec said with a raised eyebrow. "Didn't Jordan ask you to help him with his website?"
"Finished that yesterday," Clary explained. Almost immediately after Jordan returned from his romantic vacation with Maia, Clary had got a text from him about a job opportunity. She had, of course, said yes at once and thrown herself into the design work for weeks on end. But now she was done and had nothing to occupy her until her next shift at the clothing store.
"Ah, so what you are really grumbling about is a lack of project," Alec replied. "Have you noticed how badly the bathroom needs cleaning?"
Clary was actually considering cleaning the bathroom out of sheer boredom when she was spared by her ringing phone.
"Saved by the bell," Alec chuckled as he walked away.
"Hello," Clary said into her phone, totally unaware who it was because she'd answered too fast to check the caller ID.
"Hey Clare," Jon's voice spoke into her ear. "Are you busy?"
"Not even a little," Clary replied sadly.
"Awesome! Do you think you'd mind helping me with something?"
"Depends what it is," Clary replied, though she felt sure in her current state she'd likely agree to almost anything.
"Best sister ever," Jon said in that tone of voice he used when he was grinning like a fool. "Can you come by my place? Paige and I are getting our new apartment on Monday, and we are so far behind on packing!"
"Sure. Why not," Clary sighed, then hung up the phone and got up off the couch.
Twenty minutes later she was buzzed into the apartment she used to live in before going to Paris. Clary was glad Paige and her brother were getting a new place. With all the apartment hoping they'd done while at school it felt like all of them had lived in every one of these apartments at some point while they were students. Paige had once lived here with Jordan, and Clary had lived here with Jace, and now she was going to help her brother back up his stuff from this same apartment. What a strange world they lived in.
"Thanks so much Clary!" Jon said as she walked in.
"Just point and I shall pack," Clary stated. "I am your robot task completer drone for the day."
And with that Jon pointed and Clary spent the next hour putting stuff into boxes. The trouble with this is that it was a fairly simple task, and when she wasn't talking to Paige or Jon directly her mind had time to wonder back to where the hell her life was headed. Both her career and her romantic future seemed to be at a crossroads. Maybe the answer really was going home to her mother. After all, what was keeping her here? If you looked at the obvious job, boyfriend, and school type stuff there was nothing keeping her here, but Clary did have wonderful friends here and then there was the hope of Jace. The hope of having Jace be part of her everyday life again was getting stronger everyday. This rope holding her here, this cable made only of hope was somehow made of pure titanium. The more she thought about it the less she wanted to go home. Until that hope crumbed into nothing, Clary had to stay or she'd regret it.
Because Clary understood better now what it was to love someone. There was a difference between saying the words and feeling them. Sometimes after saying it so many times it's easy to forget what they mean. It becomes a habit like how you hang up the phone or what to end a conversation with before the other person leaves for work. They become everyday, commonplace, and easy to take for granted. That was saying the words, but feeling them meant more. It meant truly remembering and feeling what the words mean every single time they leave your lips. Clary was determined that this new revelation would mean she'd never take someone she loved for granted again. You had to really see the best parts of your life everyday to be aware just how lucky you are in this world.
"That's about it!" Paige said standing up and dusting off her hands. "Just my stuff left."
"And since you live there you can help with that too!" Jon pitched in.
"Hold on just a moment," Clary said, holding up her hand. "I did my share. Don't you have other friends to bother?"
"Jace had to work today," Jon shrugged.
"Clary has a point though," Paige pitched in. "Why don't we bother Alec at my place. I'll bribe him with homemade baked goods."
"Oh that's a good idea!" Jon jumped in.
Clary was just about to take their offer of a ride home, since they were headed that way anyway to get started on Paige's packing, when the front door opened to reveal Jace. If he was surprised to see her he didn't show it, but rather stared blurrily at them for a moment before walking forward. To Clary he actually looked a little green and she suspected he'd been sent home sick from work.
"What you all doing here?" Jace mumbled as he made his way to the couch and sat down. He somehow made the whole effort look like it took an enormous amount of energy.
"Packing," they all said together.
"Right," Jace replied, his voice so low Clary almost didn't catch what he said.
"You two go on ahead," Clary whispered to Paige and Jon. "I'm gonna make sure he's okay."
"Thanks," Jon said. From the look on her brother's face she knew he'd been conflicted about leaving with Paige or staying and helping his friend.
The door closed behind Jon and Paige, and then they were alone. The first thing Jace did was ask in a weak voice why she was still here.
"Are you okay?" Clary asked, ignoring his question.
"Got sent home," Jace grumbled. "It seems everyone thinks I'm sick."
"You are very clearly sick," Clary replied.
"I'm fine," Jace said with a wave of his hand.
"Oh yeah, sure you are," Clary chuckled. "And going down a river called denial."
Just then Jace lurched as if he was about to be sick, then was up in a flash, and running down the hall to the bathroom. Clary could hear the very distinctive sound of throwing up as she approached.
"Don't come in!" Jace yelled with more energy than he'd shown thus far.
Clary ignored him. She entered the bathroom and gently rested her hands on his back to try and sooth him.
"I'm gross," Jace said. "You don't have to be here."
"Do you want me to leave?" Clary asked calmly.
"Well no but-"
"Then I'm here," Clary said simply. She reached over to the sink beside the toilet, and poured a glass of water for him once he was finished retching.
"You don't have to take care of me," Jace groaned, still stooped over the toilet bowl.
"I don't mind," Clary replied easily. "Besides the last time I was sick you took care of me."
"But we were together then," Jace mumbled almost awkwardly, or as awkward as one can be while actively being sick.
Clary didn't reply, but instead refilled his water glass.
"Besides when girls are sick it's adorable, but when guys are sick it's nasty," Jace argued his point further.
"Is that so?" Clary chuckled. "Well then let me enlighten you that the female digestive tract is exactly the same as yours."
"Then why don't girls fart like guys?" Jace inquired.
"Guys advertise," Clary explained. "Girls disguise."
"My head is spinning too much for rhymes," Jace groaned.
They stayed like that in silence for a while until there was nothing left in Jace's stomach. Even the water he'd drank had come back up.
Eventually Jace got up off the ground and washed out his mouth before walking back down the hall and collapsing on the couch.
Clary fixed a blanket over his shoulders and arranged the pillows behind him in a more comfortable way.
"You really don't have to take care of me you know," Jace said.
"Just lay back and rest," Clary said. "You should probably sleep if you can."
With that she got up and went into the kitchen. Clary collected a large bowl and some dry saltine crackers out of the cupboard along with a water bottle before returning to the living room. She placed the bowl on the ground and the other two on the coffee table.
"There, so now if you need to throw up again you won't have to get up," Clary said.
"Thanks," Jace smiled. He seemed to have given up trying to stop her from taking care of him now which Clary was glad of.
Since their break up last June this was the most time she'd spent alone with him, and even though he was sick it was wonderful. Clary had forgotten how calming an effect he had on her. Since that very first night she'd slept while he watched over her, Clary had always found herself relaxed in his company.
"Do you think you could drink some peppermint tea?" Clary asked.
Jace shook his head. "I'll try the cracker in a couple hours maybe."
"How about something hot to hold?" Clary asked. "I know sometimes it's nice just to hold tea even if you don't drink it."
"Sure," Jace said with a smile. Even sick he had that same stunning smile, that could take her breath away. Clary tried to hide her reaction by getting up to head to the kitchen again.
When she returned moments later holding a steaming cup of peppermint tea, Jace was sitting up on the couch even though she'd told him to lay down.
Clary sat beside him, placing the tea on the coffee table in front of her before turning to express her displeasure at his not laying down, but before she could speak he did.
"I know you were the little bird," Jace said confidently, or as confidently as one can while running a fever. "And I want to say thank you, but more than that I want to know why you did it?"
"I've been thinking alot lately," Clary began, choosing her words very carefully. "It isn't enough to just say how much you love someone. The words on their own have little to no meaning without the actions and emotions behind them." She paused to take a deep breath, almost expecting him to interrupt, but he remained silent. "I know I took you for granted while we were together, and I feel like I owe you the action and emotion I failed to display before."
"So it wasn't about getting back together then?" Jace asked after Clary hadn't spoken for over a minute.
"If there is something I can do to help you I will do it, regardless of what I want out of it," Clary replied again choosing her words even more carefully. She didn't want to come off as clingy or selfish.
Jace seemed to mull this over for a while. Reaching forward he indicated the mug and Clary handed it to him.
"I've been doing alot of thinking lately too," Jace began, facing forward instead of turning to look at her. Clary's breath all but caught in her throat as she gave him her full attention. "And I've realized something." He stopped again, holding the tea close and breathing it in, but Clary didn't dare interrupt him. "While we were together I put you on a pedestal, raised you up to flawless perfection when in fact, you are human same as me. I think this was why I couldn't forgive you for your mistake. The idea you'd messed up did not fit into my version of you. For so long my life was you, and then while you were gone I had to get by without you and… well I guess I just..."
"Got used to it," Clary offered. Jace nodded. "It's okay. I know what you mean."
"I'm not saying I liked being used to it," Jace continued hastily. "But it's like I didn't have a choice because you weren't here and then suddenly you were here, but after all that time adapting and changing we were both different people than the ones we remembered."
"And instead of just knowing in the back of my mind that you were waiting for me, suddenly you were in front of me and I had to re-earn your love," Clary continued. "Had to remember why I loved you so fiercely in the first place."
"I never did understand why," Jace replied.
"It seems I didn't either," Clary smiled at him. "There is one thing though that I now understand perfectly thanks to this whole mess."
"Oh and what's that?"
"You can miss someone far more than you can love them," Clary stated, simply.
"I think I even understand what you mean there as well," Jace sighed. He was looking more pale now than before, and Clary worried all this overly intense conversation was wearing him out.
"You need rest," Clary said quickly, getting up to fuss over his blankets and make the stubborn man lay down.
"Can I ask you one thing first?" Jace continued ignoring her insistence that he rest. "While we are still talking like this?"
"You can ask me anything," Clary replied easily. "So long as you rest afterwards."
"Promise?" Jace replied. Clary nodded, so he continued. "I know you don't want kids, but I've only recently realized that I've never asked you why. Why are you so sure?"
"Lots of little reasons really," Clary began, taken aback by his question. All their time together, and he'd never asked before. "For as long as I can remember, really since I first understood the concept, the idea of being pregnant has scared me. Really terrified me actually. Childbirth even more so. I've had nightmares about it."
"Is that the only problem?" Jace asked. "Do you have anything against raising a child?"
"Never had any interest in raising one no," Clary replied. "Though I'll admit to not really giving it a lot of thought. I guess I just always assumed never being pregnant meant never being a parent. Plus, the whole lifestyle never appealed to me. Didn't feel like I was losing anything by avoiding the lack of sleep and overwhelming disruption to my life."
"Thanks for answering my question," Jace said as he laid down and closed his eyes.
"Can it be your turn now?" Clary asked. Jace nodded, so she continued, "Why do you want kids, Jace?"
"It's hard to explain," Jace said as his eyes closed. "Because you are right. They disrupt your life, ruin your sleep, and all sorts of stuff that makes no sense... I guess when it comes down to it I just don't want to wake up one day old and grey with nothing to show for my life except an empty house."
Clary was about to open her mouth to ask a follow up question when she heard his soft snore. Jace was asleep, and so he should be. Clary flet an involuntary smile spread across her face.
Clary couldn't help but wonder as she watched him sleep, that golden hair falling in his eyes. If it meant getting Jace back, and being his again and forever, could she change her mind? When she thought of him her heart leapt, but when she thought of having a parasite leaching her life for nine months before ripping her open on its way out she balked. Certainly there was something else she could do to win his heart back? Anything else? There were so many things she'd willingly give up to be with him. It was just that putting herself through pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood wasn't one of them.
Then again if Jace couldn't forgive her for Paris it hardly mattered. If she never won Jace back Clary felt sure she'd be single for a long long time, if not her whole life. It was just so hard to really see other men when she compared them to Jace, and despite her strange adventure in Paris Clary wasn't looking at women that way.
All she could see was Jace Herondale.
What do you guys think of Clary's answer? Also yes I know I'm updating slow again... my only real excuse is lazy plus my computer broke and I had to buy a new one. Bye bye tablet/laptop and hello desktop. ^_^ Plus I'm kinda stuck on this next Tessa chapter so... no sneak peek I'm afraid. Though I do have most of the next Jace chapter done... if only I could write in order maybe this would all be easier lol
Guest Review on Chapter 185
:Another amazing chapter!
And wow, I know, it's crazy to think you've kept at this story for so long. I believe I started reading it when you had around 80 or 90 chapters! I binge-read them in a few days, then have kept up reading new chapters ever since. It's always well worth the wait for a new chapter, I love this story!
My Reply
Aww thanks so much. ^_^ And wow chapter 80 was a very long time ago indeed! So glad they are worth the wait. I know I haven't been updating lately as fast as I used to. I really appreciate how many readers have stuck with me this whole time. *heart emoji*