By now, Davos had returned to Winterfell with the dragonglass. Lyanna Mormont, Shelly Marsh, Tina Belcher, Lisa Simpson, Neil Goldman, Rollo Brown, and the rest of the northern lords had gathered at Winterfell, preparing for the battle to come.

Arya, Sansa, and Theon were standing on the ramparts when they saw Toshi Yoshida approaching with the men under his command.

Arya was wearing Quagmire's face. In his voice, she called down to Toshi, "What are all you Night's Watch people doing so far from the Wall?"

"The Wall is gone!" Toshi shouted back.

"You mean the White Walkers managed to break through it?"

Toshi shook his head. "No. It's not just broken, it's completely gone! I don't know how it happened, but I saw it disappear in front of my eyes. Now an army of White Walkers and wights is headed this way! They'll be here any minute! Let us in!"

"You better go down and open the gates for them," Arya said to Theon. Theon went to obey her request, leaving Arya alone with Sansa.

"I was hoping Brian and Stewie would be back by now, and maybe they'd have Daenerys with them," said Sansa. "I didn't expect the White Walkers to arrive so soon."

"Well, we'll just have to fight on our own as best we can," said Arya. "If I can manage to kill the Night King again right away, maybe the battle will end sooner this time."

"And this time, I'm not just going to hide in the crypts," said Sansa. "That didn't work out so well before. The bodies in the crypt turned into wights and attacked us. If I'm to face death, I might as well go out fighting, next to you."

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Meanwhile, King's Landing was still in absolute chaos. Dany, Stewie, and Meg were riding around on the dragons, trying to fight Bill and his creatures, while Brian, Lois and her friends, and the rest of Dany's army were fighting the monsters down at ground level. Joffrey, of course, was no help at all. He had fled back into his castle and barred the door, not even letting his own council members back inside.

Tyrion and Varys had taken refuge in an abandoned house. They could hear Bill's laughter ringing through the air outside.

"I've heard that voice before," said Varys.

"Where?" asked Tyrion.

"Remember how I told you once that my penis was cut off by a wizard? I've never told you the full story."

"Just give me the Cliff's Notes version," said Tyrion.

Varys said, "I was born a slave, in the city of Lys, across the Narrow Sea. One day, I was bought by a Myrish sorcerer. I thought he bought me because he wanted to fuck me, but what he did was far worse. He cut off my dick and balls and burned them in a fire. Through the excruciating pain, I heard the sorcerer speak to the flames, and I heard a voice reply back. I couldn't understand what the voice was saying, but now I recognize it as Bill's."

For once, Tyrion didn't reply with a joke. That was a horrible story. "Varys… I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

Just then, a huge fist smashed through the wall, and one of the monsters burst into the house. This one was a giant head with an arm sticking out of it.

"Hey…" the head said. "We need to talk. We need to talk about the two of you getting in my mouth!"

He grabbed Varys with his enormous arm, popped the poor eunuch into his mouth, and began to eat him. Then he grabbed Tyrion. Tyrion struggled in the monster's grasp, but the monster was much stronger. Tyrion shut his eyes, preparing to meet the same fate as his friend.

Suddenly, Brian appeared out of nowhere and stabbed the monster in the eye with his dagger! The head screamed and died. The arm went limp, releasing Tyrion.

When Tyrion got back up, he said, "Thank you, Brian. When I first met you, I thought you were pretty useless, but now I see that you're not so useless after all." And coming from Tyrion Lannister, that was high praise indeed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

At the harbor, a creature with the head of a man and the body of an octopus crawled out of the water and onto the dock. It was Jaime Lannister!

Jaime had just arrived back in the city, right in the middle of the battle. With all the other madness going on, no one took any notice of him. Jaime had no idea what was happening, but he knew one thing. He had to make sure Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen were safe.

He slithered through the streets of the city toward the Red Keep.

When he reached the castle, he saw a crowd of townspeople banging on the castle doors, pleading to be let inside. But the doors were locked and bolted.

Jaime didn't want to get caught in the bottleneck, so he went around to the side of the castle, where he came upon a window. Using the suction cups on his tentacles, he walked up the side of the wall and climbed through the window.

He made his way through the halls until he came to Princess Myrcella's bedchamber. He rapped on the door with one of his tentacles.

When Myrcella opened the door, she was afraid of the creature standing before her… until she recognized his face. "Uncle Jaime?"

"That's right," Jaime said gently. "I've come to rescue you. We'll get your brothers, and then we'll flee this city."

Next, they went to Tommen's room. Myrcella tapped on the door, and it swung open. Tommen was sitting on the bed. When he saw Jaime, he screamed. "Ahh! Monster!"

"It's not a monster," said Myrcella. "It's Uncle Jaime. He's here to save us."

"We need to find Joffrey and get out of here," said Jaime.

"Okay," said Tommen. "He's probably in the throne room."

They hurried to the throne room. Joffrey sat alone on the Iron Throne. All his problems had come crashing down on him at once, but he wasn't going to admit he was beaten.

"Come on, Joffrey!" Jaime shouted. "We need to leave!"

"No!" Joffrey yelled. "I'm not giving up my throne! I'm the rightful king!"

"If you stay here, you'll die!" Jaime said.

"I'm not leaving!" Joffrey reiterated.

Jaime sighed and turned to the other two children. "Myrcella, take Tommen and wait for us outside. I'm going to try to reason with him a bit longer."

Myrcella and Tommen left. "The city is burning, Joffrey," Jaime said. "We can't stay here. If the fire doesn't get us, those monsters will."

"You can leave if you want to, but I'm staying!" said Joffrey. "I am the king!"

"Any man who must proclaim himself a king is no true king," said Jaime.

"Oh, now you're quoting Grandfather at me?"

There was no getting through to Joffrey, Jaime realized. He was almost as insane as Aerys Targaryen. Jaime had killed that mad king, but he wanted to save this one.

Just then, the Sand Snakes walked in. "Hello, Joffrey," said Nymeria.

"Who are you?" demanded Joffrey.

"Our names aren't important," said Tyene. "What's important is that we've come to kill you."

"Not if I have anything to do with it!" Jaime interrupted.

Obara stared at him. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm Jaime Lannister."

"The Kingslayer?" said Obara. "Funny, I didn't expect you to have so many legs. Well, it doesn't matter. Fucking die!"

And she ran at him with her spear. But the spear couldn't pierce the flesh of the tentacles, and Jaime managed to grab the other end and break the spear in half. He turned the spear back on Obara, driving the spearpoint into her heart.

Outside, Bill Cipher had turned his attention to the Red Keep. He was burning the roof with his laser eye. Slowly, the whole castle began to catch fire.

Tyene threw one of her knives at Jaime, but it just bounced off his octopus skin. "What the hells?" she exclaimed. "It's like he's fucking immortal!"

Nymeria drew her long whip and cracked it over Jaime's head. It hit him right in the eye. His face started to bleed.

Jaime reached out, wrapped one of his tentacles around Nymeria's neck, and started to strangle her. But before Nymeria died, she shouted to her sister Tyene, "Aim for his head!"

Tyene realized Jaime's head was the one part of them that could be hurt, because it was the only part of him that was still human. Quickly, she leaped over his outstretched tentacles. She managed to stab him in the forehead with her poisoned knitting needle just before she got a tentacle wrapped around her own neck.

Jaime strangled Tyene until she was dead too. He had killed all three of them now, but Tyene had managed to poison him before she died. But Jaime didn't care, as long as Joffrey survived. "Now will you get the hells out of here?" he groaned. He could feel the room shaking around him. Bill's fire was weakening the structural foundations of the building.

"What business is it of yours?" Joffrey screamed. "Why do you care what I do?"

"Because I'm your father, Joffrey," Jaime stated calmly. He closed his eyes.

Joffrey's jaw dropped.

Next moment, the ceiling collapsed and crushed both of them.