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Ruby wasn't pushing me yet. Which was nice of her. She was so sweet. But after six months without any alarm bells going off she wanted to start trying again. And I had more or less promised I would but she was waiting for me to bring it up but I didn't want to bring it up because I was scared.
So we rested like lovers who were enemies.
How is it possible that even with all the mood stabilizers and benzos I was on I still felt this scared? I was afraid of my Mother, afraid for my son, Nebel, and I was scared of myself and my own power. I nearly lost it in that ward full of the pregnant and sick in a bad way. Ruby didn't get a peek into my head to see how bad that was. So she still wanted my kids and she wanted me to make the first move as we came up on Weiss's seventh month.
Didn't she know? Didn't Ruby know by now how close to madness I was at every moment? Please, Ruby. I'm begging you to really take a second look at how fucked up I am. I was this specter gliding through the house.
"Cloud?" She murmured one night while she and I were drinking wine. Weiss was abstaining. I don't care what you've heard or thought. Fetal alcohol poisoning was no joke. Even healthy babies could be fucked over by just a little bit of the stuff. Alcohol was poison. And it was bad for you always. It was bad for adults. We could just shrug it off for the most part. A fetus could not. They were so fragile. And even unborn my son knew the danger I represented.
"Ruby…" I trailed off softly. My tone was slightly pleading and I think that made her pause. The slight intonation made her hesitate with what we both knew she was going to ask me. I could feel it. She could feel it.
"You're guarded," she subverted. She brushed her hand through her hair. That hadn't been what she was thinking or going to say but it was an easy and casual reminder.
I relaxed my aura. I was scared and I watched her touch it. I was scared but resigned. I would say 'yes' if she came out and asked me. But I knew she didn't want to have to ask me. She wanted me to agree openly but I was never going to bring it up. She must have figured that out by now. She could ask and I would answer. Even as scared as I was I had to confess the danger had likely passed. It was unavoidable then. But it was a bit like an unstoppable object meeting an immovable wall. She didn't want to ask me. She wanted me to volunteer. And that just wasn't in my nature. But doing what she asked was in my nature. It was too much in my nature. She respected the power she had over my soul. Maybe she respected it a little too much. It led to this conflict where she didn't want to ask me. But I was cruel so I was going to make her. A little tug of war between husband and wife. Ask me, I begged her. I begged her to ask me. I begged her to not ask me. Because for her I'd do more than put the moon together. I'd put it together and I'd take it apart again. If she told me sweetly to. But nervously she asked me: "I want to try."
I sighed and said nothing.
"Talk to me!" She shouted. "I hate when you bottle up. You don't have to say 'yes' or 'no'. You have a choice." She said it because she had to say it. I didn't have a choice. I loved her. I would sire her children. My second oldest. Our second oldest. My family's second oldest.
"Yes," I croaked.
"You're bottled up!"
I sighed and shook my head. "I'm not feeling something good. I'd spare you, my poor sweet empath, if I can. I'd spare you a little pain. I'd do so much for you. Of course we can start trying again. You know the risks. You know the rules. I feel something, I'm gone. Like a leaf in the wind. Because I have to. You know all that. You want it anyway. I have no choice but to try and grant your wish. You put it off for me. Because I asked you to."
"You begged me…" she disagreed. "Right Weiss?"
"It's true. You begged," Weiss hummed from over her water.
"I begged you to wait. Consciousness isn't an on or off thing. What do you know about the evolution of the human eye?"
"Not as much as you," Ruby mumbled.
"Every intermediate step was advantageous and still useful to the organism. Starting with light sensitive cells in a panel. From a pin hole. To a simple lens. Every step was useful."
"Okay," Weiss granted.
"We should expect consciousness to be the same way. Every step intermediate and useful and as babies develop they go across a developmental path that parallels human evolution. There's even a stage where babies have gills. So as our baby grew up I expected there to be a growing trickle as our baby woke up for the first time. As they climbed the ladder into consciousness. But nothing? What can I say to you now? My fear didn't come to pass. The danger is empty," I finished. "Consciousness is like a slide. And from ganglion to brains they think and are and be. And none of that psychic connection I feared came to fruition. If consciousness is fluid flowing through a tube. Information being processed. Then I expected our psychic connection to grow between myself and my son. That's why. That's the why. That's what I expected."
"But that didn't happen," Weiss pointed out.
"And on a deeper probe with my own mind magic the only thing my son recoiled from was me and my terror. So now you asked me. You've waited patiently and have tolerated my panic. Now you ask me to give you a baby. Now what can I say besides 'yes'."
"You can say 'no'!" Ruby protested.
"I can't. I cannot. We can start trying as soon as you're ready," I swallowed my glass of wine and gasped off the drink. "Unless that's too soon for you?"
"You get a say!" She shouted. She looked like she wanted to throw her wine glass at my head.
"I've said it," I returned. "Haven't I? You gave me a say and I said it."
It was her turn to be quiet.
"I mean… have I not?" I demanded. "That's pretty much it. And if you still want a baby with me and you want it to be you and my baby, what can I really say. It's not like you don't know. You know the risks."
"You're a bit of an asshole, Cloud," Weiss pointed out. I laughed. I laughed hard.
"You're a little late. I'm more than a bit of an asshole," I choked. I wiped an honest to gods tear from my eye. "Ahh. How rude of me? Of course we can start trying. You're my little light."
"But how do you feel?" Ruby demanded.
"Like you're my little light," I repeated."You leave me only wanting more. Nothing is as it seems when it comes to you and I. I'd chew glass if you held it in your palm for me to eat."
"And that's fair?" Ruby wondered.
"I got you. That's more than I deserved. I love the way you make me hurt. Nothing is as it seems. That's pretty unfair in my favor. I could have been your pet in another life. And that would have been too good for me. I got to be your husband. I got to be your husband!"
"Don't...don't do that…" Ruby cringed.
"Don't do what?! I defy you to specifically tell me what I did," I challenged.
"You know what you did!" Weiss defended. "That thing where you blended self-hate and compliments. Don't do that! We don't like it!"
"Well what the fresh fuck do you like about me?"
"How honest you are. Especially with yourself," Weiss informed me.
"Yet you don't like that I don't like me?" I asked.
"Where are you going with this?" She wondered.
"You need to pick one of those two. I don't like me because I'm honest with me."
"You don't like you because you're a bit of an asshole," Weiss disagreed.
"We're off track. I just wanted you to know you could say 'no' to me," Ruby decided.
"I want you to know that the illusion of choice isn't a choice. You own my soul. Not even my Mother owned that part of me. You do. I don't have a choice when you ask me if you want to start trying."
"You do! I'm giving you one!"
"But it's one I can't deny."
"You can. You have my permission. Or whatever you need."
"I love ya too much." I bent at the waist. I laughed.
"It's not funny!" Ruby protested again.
"It is. It's too funny. You made the choice to rob me of mine when you asked me to try again. You could have not asked me."
"Communication is important!"
"And you communicated that you wanted this. So what can I do or say? My sweetheart, I love you too much. I have to grant your wishes. My little light. I have to. If you didn't really want this, then you wouldn't have asked me for this. Would you? By what gods given right do I have to tell you 'no'? And I just have to hold that. I swore as your husband to hold that."
"You don't have to. I'm telling you that you don't."
"I do," I purred at her. "Even if it gives me panic attacks. I swore to work hard for you. I swore to be a real companion to you. I love ya too much. Of course we can start trying again. The choice is yours. You could have denied me when I pleaded with you to wait. You could have told me 'no.'"
"No I couldn't have. Not when you begged me. But you can tell me 'no' now."
"No. I can't. Because you didn't beg me but you don't need to. I watched you struggle and wrestle with asking me over this last month. I saw that."
"You saw that?" She murmured almost to herself.
"I saw that. So you didn't beg me on your hands and knees but you approached me slowly and carefully. Almost warily. So what can I tell you now. You know the risks and what you're asking from me. You know. You. Know. You asked me anyway. You knew I'd never bring it up myself. Don't pretend I have the illusion of choice now. Don't. You know. I love you. I love you so heartbreakingly much. You tear me to pieces. So now you politely ask me to try. And what can I say?"
Weiss said nothing.
Ruby stared at her wine glass.
"I mean it. I'm genuinely asking for something that can change your mind. I've confessed to you my fears. I swore I would when I married you. That day you told me to let my aura out and I have tried. I've tried confessing my fears to you and you don't really care."
"I care," Ruby protested.
"We care," Weiss agreed. "And it's what Ruby does. She cares."
"But you didn't care enough to not ask me. You didn't care enough to hold that. You put it on me. And I'll take it. For you, I will take it. I'd take worse if you asked."
"I know we are asking a lot from you…"
"But I'd do more," I told Ruby. "For you. My sweet wife. You held me together once when all I wanted to do was fall to pieces. You did that for me. Because you wanted to. I'd love to be able to give that back to you. I know I can't. I'll fail. But I want to try my hardest. My little light. I'd hide you away. Ask me. Do not beg. I won't grant your wishes any faster. But I will grant your wishes. Ask me. And you did ask me. I want to hear your voice. Ask me for more. You menacing angel. You know how you twist me. At least act like you own me. At least act like you know that you own me. That's fair. That's justice. That's metaphor. That's poetry. I love you."
"I take it back," Ruby decided.
"That's your right. I can't force you to sire my children."
Ruby let out a low whine. "I want your babies. I want you to let your aura out and stop bottling it up! I want a lot of babies."
"I will do everything I can to make your dreams come true. Whatever they turn out to be. Whatever you decide. I love you. You can destroy me with a whisper. Even my Mother can't do that."
"Salem," Weiss corrected.
"Salem," I agreed. "I love you both. It hurts. I want to take serious painkillers. It hurts so bad." I was crying a little. I let Ruby taste my aura and the harsh truth. She could walk up and kiss my cheek and stab me. And I would thank her for it. I let tears fall. I let my head fall into my hands.
"Hush now, it's okay…" Ruby hummed and got up. She wrapped her arms around me.
"Break me. Do something with me. I love you. It hurts so fucking bad. I love you so much. Ask me. I won't bite you. Please ask me. I'm not strong enough to see the way on my own. Crush me. Kill me. Drag me out and string me along," I sniffled. I wiped away my tears and looked over at Weiss. She looked away from me down to the ground.
"Both of you," I whispered. "Don't you get that you saved me? Ouch…"I squeezed a hand over my heart. "I want to take serious pain killers. I love the way you make me hurt. You asked me for kids. You waited when I begged. What can I say? You know it all. I love you. Don't you get that you're a pin in the fabric of my life and if you pulled it out I'd collapse into a mess of strings? Break me. Please. I'd be your whore. Keep me in a trance and leave me wanting more." I cried hard. "And I'm so scared. I'm afraid of how my son was afraid of me when I reached for his mind with my magic. He'll have it. My brand of magic. The sort of thing that lies under a semblance. The sort that bleeds into what aura already does. He'll have it. My precious son." I slumped. Ruby hummed and leaned in close. She kissed away my tears and my heart bled for her. I loved how she hurt me.
"Yes. I'll have kids with you. Yes I'll sire your children. If you still want them. You bled for me because I asked you. I'd tear myself atom by atom if you asked me. And I want you to ask me," I murmured. I wiped my tears and Ruby sniffled as wave after wave of heartache ran over her from me.
"I want your babies," Ruby hummed. "I love you and I want your babies. Our babies."
"They're yours," I agreed. "Whatever is convenient to you for that end. Quitting the pill tomorrow or today or whenever. You're my little love. I'm so grateful to have you in my life. It hurts so good."
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-WG