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So school started up again. First years moved to second. A fresh wave of new faces came in and the oldest were gone. I was no longer teaching to my age group. It was a good thing. At least I thought so. Teaching my own peers was awkward. Even though I was a badass. A new initiation had to be managed. It was easy enough.
"So…" Glynda trailed.
"So?" I wondered, drawing the word out. I had no idea where my boss was going with this one.
"You got married and you have a kid on the way."
"Two kids," I breathed. "Ruby wants at least one too. That's two kids. At least two."
"And how are you handling the pregnancy?" She asked.
"Just fine. But I'm not the one growing a baby in their body and pushing a baby out of their body and then feeding the baby with their body. Women are so much more amazing than men. It's not even funny."
"And you realized women have every edge over men how many minutes into Beacon initiation?"
"Real fast," I confessed. "Like holy fuck. What's even my contribution to the circle of life? I come one time with a lucky shot?"
"Okay…" she waved me off.
"I mean come on. What do I add? What do I do to help? Weiss has been a saint and even waiting on her hand and foot when I'm given the opportunity I still feel like I am not adding much. She is growing a baby in her body. Inside her body. Like that's just something her body does for her. Wow. Am I nuts. Everyone is acting like that's normal."
"That is normal," Glynda informed me.
"Wow," I scoffed. "Like… right? I'm nuts for thinking that's crazy. Wow."
"I get it. You're astonished."
"I'm blown away and you're barely tolerating it," I picked up. "But yeah. Ruby wants one of my kids too. At least one. She wants like four babies. Which I think is a lot but I also want to grant her wishes."
"She's so young. Ms. Rose. Or Mrs. Strife rather. Ruby not Weiss."
"She knows what she wants," I protested. "I am a vehicle to granting her wishes," I claimed.
"You're more than that," she protested.
"Am I? I often wonder. Am I more than that? I want to make it that far. I'd love to get further. I love her. It hurts. She makes me and unmakes me. It's not a comfortable experience. It's not exactly painful but it's not not painful. Did you ever love somebody like that?"
"I thought that maybe I once did…" she confessed.
"It's enlightening but it doesn't make it pleasant. Of course I love her and that is pleasant. But the process of loving on her is hard. What am I meant to do?"
"The best you can," she returned.
"That's so not even close to good enough," I protested. "My best is bad. It's bad. What am I meant to do? I need to be almost perfect."
"You can't always be almost perfect."
"I gotta," I murmured. "I like, so have to. What happens if I slip up and give my Mother an easy avenue into the front of my head? With two babies on the way? What happens then? You don't have to actually answer that. Everybody important already knows."
"What does happen? I'm unclear," she confessed.
"You die. I have good authority on that. My wives die. Both of them. Along with my unborn son," I thought about that. I chewed up the words and spat them out at my boss.
"That can't be easy. Living with that."
"Well, I mean. It's not." I laughed. I laughed hard. "It's so not."
"What's funny about this?"
"Not your death," I chuckled. I clarified. "Just how far I've come from my days at Beacon. I fuck my days. I fuck 'em."
"What do you mean?" She demanded.
"Well just compare. Where I was then to where I am now. Weak. Pathetic. Useless. Doomed. And so on. Now I'm the most powerful man alive and I'm still weak, pathetic, useless, and doomed. It's funny. You can laugh."
"Not that funny," she expressed.
"You sound like Weiss," I insulted. "Like a total Weiss."
"Given your relationship to her, I shall take that as a compliment."
"You should. It's healthier for both of us that way. You'd still die if I flew off the handle bars for… give me five minutes. I could blow the world up in five minutes. I could tear cities down in five minutes. And I'm just told to live with that. Do you have any idea what it's like to be this close to snapping and if you did you could destroy every big city on the globe and nobody could stop you?"
"It doesn't sound like fun."
"It's so not!" I laughed hard again. "Oh, I'm crying." I wiped a year from my eye. "Ah…"
"You're not stable," she accused.
"No," I agreed. "I'm not stable. But I'm more stable now than I was a month ago. And you and I didn't have to throw down then. So…?"
"So if we should 'throw down' it should be now. Because you will be more stable when your son is born?"
"First of all she's two months from the due date. Second of all, probably. I mean, I've been a problem with no good answers on your radar for a year now. So what? We both can't come up with something to do about me? Fucking kill me. I promise I deserve it. I fucking promise."
"How would I explain it to your Mrs. Strifes?"
"So what? I'm supposed to come up with everything on my own?" I wondered. "Death is a kindness."
"And who would face your mother?"
"Ah, so that? You expect me to face her too? Maybe I don't wanna. Can somebody come to that conclusion? Maybe I don't want to face her. Maybe somebody else should fight the bitch. I'm just not the Cetra up to the task. You fight my Mother if you want her beaten so bad."
"I have a feeling that you must."
"Gods. Yeah. You're not the only one. I still don't want to. I just have to. You feel?"
"I don't want to fight you should you slip up. I just have to," she returned.
"You have an answer for everything! Give me something."
"I don't think I should give you an inch. Else you will take a mile."
"Maybe?! Would that be so wrong if I got a mile? Maybe I deserve a mile after everything I have been through."
"I don't think your wives would want me to give you anything."
"Come on," I protested. "You can give me a little. At least admit that my life sucks despite the fact I have two wives who both want me. Admit that to me."
"No," she shook her head. Glynda, the total bitch. "You're lucky."
"I'm not. I take offense to that! You ought to know enough about me to say that I'm not. Say that I'm unlucky. Say it."
"No," she pressed. "Both Ms. Strifes are better than you deserve."
"They're better than I deserve because I'm pond scum. It wouldn't take much for them to be better than I deserve. They are people. They have feelings. That's too good for me."
"Every conversation I have with you I get more insights into your mental health. It never looks good. Don't you want to be happy?"
"I'm happier than I've ever been," I pointed out. "I just have a lot on my plate that I'm ignoring to make that happen. Like the queen bitch herself. And Ruby and Weiss are wonderful. They're fantastic. I'm just also on fire. If I burned to death I'd be in less pain than I am just existing. I used to fantasize about burning to death before I killed Cinder Fall."
"You're still suicidal?"
"No. But my own death is looking mighty tasty right now."
"That's… that's what suicidal is."
"Okay. Fine. But I have to die when I face my Mommy anyways."
"Don't… call… Salem that," she managed.
"What my Mommy?"
"Don't keep doing it!"
"She is! She's my Momma. My Mommy. I have real Mommy issues."
"Seriously stop it. Don't call what you have 'mommy issues.'"
"Come on, Glynda. Why not. Give me one good reason. Just one. I defy you to tell me exactly what's wrong with calling Salem my Mommy."
"I've warned you. Stop it. You know what's wrong with it. I don't have to explain it to you."
"See? Total Weiss move."
"Again, I shall take that as flattery."
"Good," I replied.
"Flattery will get you nowhere."
"Will it get you to flatten me?" I wondered.
"You're lucky you're probably this world's only hope. Our last best chance."
"Come. The fuck. On. What does a guy gotta do or say to get you to try and kill 'em?"
"You'd have to be a bad person. To start. You're not."
"What does a guy gotta do to be a bad person? I flirt with being a bad person. I lay her down and spread her legs nice and smooth. I slip inside her."
"You're being disgusting on purpose," she accused.
"Total fucking Weiss call out," I informed her.
"Again, not flattering."
"I'm so not trying to be. I'm trying to get you to shoot me. Please? I murder people for sport," I reminded half begging.
"Yes. But you limit it to bad people. Like serial and spree killers. You can't even earnestly try at being a bad person. You don't have the stomach to really be awful."
I grumbled and folded my arms. "I used to have less distinction. I used to kill because I could get away with it and nobody could stop me. You're looking at me domesticated. I ran wild out in Anima once and slaughtered people because it pleased me."
"Good and innocent people?"
"Well-"
"Oh yeah. That's right. Even at your worst you weren't evil," Glynda disagreed.
Weiss came waddling into the teachers lounge. Her last class must have been through. Hard to imagine. Weiss waddling. She did though. With a baby on board.
"I'm here for my husband," she informed us.
"What? I'm here for you." I disagreed. I laughed. I was just waiting for her. Killing time while I did.
"No," Weiss smirked.
"Don't worry. I looked after him. I was hardly tempted to kill him at all. Though he tried me," Glynda murmured.
"That's well accomplished. I struggle with not killing him myself."
"What?" I demanded. "I'm the one looking after all you fools. I literally took half the planet under my protection. And I was willing to do more."
Weiss rolled her eyes. "How can you see so well and be so blind?"
"I never asked to be born Weiss. I never asked to see. I'd rather be blind. I've seen some things. And some stuff. I wouldn't recommend it."
"Blah, 'I have seen the far side of forever,'" Weiss mocked in a baritone.
"You total…" I trailed shaking my head.
She recoiled back and covered her face. "'My soul is so dark. I struggle with demons like no one before or since,'"
"You…" I shook my head and laughed. "I do struggle with demons like no one else. I have serious Mommy issues."
"Don't call her that! That was on purpose," Weiss scolded. "That one was on purpose."
"He was doing it for minutes. It was trying my patience," Glynda sighed.
"She is my Mommy. My Momma."
"Stop it," Weiss ordered.
"What? She is? She calls me her son all the time."
"You're talking to her?" They both demanded at the same time.
"I'm so into you right now," I told the whole room.
Weiss waddled over and smacked me and Glynda rolled her eyes under her glasses.
"You really shouldn't be talking to her," Weiss demanded.
"It's not always on purpose! Flowing rivers! Growing branches! Other metaphors!? Subconscious mind like an ocean with deep waters! It's hard." I laughed.
"It's not funny!" Weiss protested.
"It's a little funny. You're too close to the issue to get it," I disagreed.
"I'm pretty far from the issue and I don't see the humor," Glynda cut in.
"See now you're too far. You gotta be the right distance."
"And you are?" Weiss wondered.
"I'm closer than anybody. I just like laughing at myself. I will find a way."
"What was the last conversation you had with her?" Weiss dragged from me.
"She tried to convince me that I wasn't real. And she was pretty convincing."
"How? Isn't it obvious that you're real?" Glynda asked.
"Well, what is a person?" I wondered.
"Oh no. Don't tell me you went places?" Weiss shook her head.
"A person is a bilateral, deuteristome, with five fingers on the end of all four appendages, with a neocortex and a very social lifestyle," Glynda informed me.
"So Ms. Telimess doesn't count as a person. She has six limbs. Like an insect."
"Well there are exceptions," Glynda decided.
"No exceptions. You don't get an exception. You have to come up with a definition with no exceptions and is always true. And rational animal doesn't cut it. So me and the queen bitch tried coming up with a definition. We, as a goddess and demigod, got nowhere. So I probably am not a person."
"But you have emotions and feelings," Weiss pointed out.
"Caused by what?" I demanded. "Those come from the subconscious. A place I don't control. So they are not me. What about my movements? Am I my actions? Balance and coordination are subconscious."
"What about fine motor skills?" Glynda wondered.
"We talked about those. And even things like driving or playing the piano become automatic with enough skill. Like language processing. You're not choosing to hear this sentence. You're processing it automatically. And if it's automatic and subconscious then it is not you."
"You went places with your mother," Weiss mumbled.
"So where do I exist?" I genuinely asked. "If there's a line between subconscious and conscious we keep pushing the line back. And she then argues that when I face her I have no chance because she dominates my subconscious."
"And?" Weiss demanded.
"And I disagreed. I posited that I think therefore I think that I am. So somewhere in my clever mess I become real. The linear combination of my subconscious rises like an iceberg in the ocean into my consciousness. And that's where I live that she does not dominate."
"And she took that…?" Weiss wondered.
"Not laying down. She didn't like it. Makes me think I have an edge. If I run into her it won't be free. It will cost her something to dominate me the way she controls my sisters. And she can't make me think that her control over me is subconscious on her end."
"So what are you going to do?" Glynda asked.
"My best. It won't be perfect so I can't say it's enough. But hate it or accept it I love our little chats. It's like a friend I will miss when it's gone."
"Quit talking to her."
"Weiss," I started with a head shake. "It's not an off-on switch. I keep telling you that. I try and tell you it isn't when it comes to our baby. It's not when it comes to me. It's just not. It's a question of how far and how much. But never of off or on. She always has a trickle into my mind. It's never off completely. I keep trying to tell you that."
"What about your antipsychotics?" Glynda wondered.
"They help but there's no cure for the truth. And the truth is I'm wired up into this alien monster goddess," I answered. "They don't suddenly restructure my mind. I'm built up around her. That's what makes her so scary. I'm not always myself. I can't be. The line between me and her blurs."
"So…?" Weiss ordered with both hands on her tummy.
"So kill me. I won't fight back. But it will be better than being her puppet. Please kill me. I want to die. It's a part of my demigodhood. You ready to go?"
"I'm ready…" Weiss trailed. She looked at Glynda. Glynda shook her head minutely.
"If falls on me. Being the best. I have to be the best to ever do it. And it's being a demigod," I mumbled. "You could at least act like I'm not a kid. Both of you. I need people looking after me. But I'm not a kid."
"I'm sorry," Weiss murmured.
"I'm sorry for not killing you?" Glynda agreed.
"Let's… let's hope. I never truly make you really sorry," I decided. "Shall we? Let's just hope I'm godlike enough. My son is not godlike enough. So let's hope I am."
"You're so sure?" Glynda asked.
"My son should have started to wake up for the first time. That's enough for me and Salem. It just is. I reached out for my son's mind in the womb and I terrified him. My world is alien to him. It's a good thing."
"Could you reach your mind out to me?" Weiss asked.
"Probably. I already do with my aura. It's not an off or on thing. My magic is just deeper. You probably feel it with my aura when I don't choke up on it."
"Your aura feels nice." Weiss corrected.
"It's mind magic," I muttered. "Just more shallow than what I feel with my Momma. Imagine being immersed in an aura bigger than yours all the time. That's what it's like with me and Salem. And you just keep telling me not to feel it and not to listen. It's not like that. It's like being dropped in the deep end of a pool with no floaties. And I'm just grateful our son is not in that with me. Because if I caught a whiff of that, then I'd be gone. So don't treat me like a little kid even though I want to die." I brutalized them. "And it's for the best that I want to die. Because I probably will. She knows millennia of magic. She's the real deal."
"Cloud… this is bad for the baby," Weiss finished.
"You only get one more baby you can pull that card for," I informed her as I stood up. I'd drive her jeep.
"Thank you," she mumbled.
"Ask me," I whipped to face her and I demanded. "Ask me for more," I begged.
"No," she denied.
"We'll see. I want you to. Ask me for more. I'd give it to you if you only asked me. But you had better know how much you're asking. Do it," I purred. She shuddered.
"Stop it. It's bad for the baby."
"Just say it's bad for your mental health. I can feel when it's bad for the baby," I informed her.
"Fine. This conversation is bad for my mental health."
"Thank you."
"Until tomorrow," Goodwitch informed me.
"Kill me," I shot back. "I literally won't even fight back."
"No…" Weiss hummed.
"No. You're a good man. Just unlucky," Goodwitch agreed.
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-WG