Annie was dreading her talk with Teddy that afternoon. She wasn't sure what to expect there had been a lot of tension between the two of them in the last few weeks. The tension wasn't normal, they usually communicated well but both were feeling off.
"You wanted to talk," Annie said, meeting up with Teddy in their favourite park.
"We need to," Teddy said, "this fight has to end."
"I'm sick of the tension," Annie agreed, "and others are starting to notice."
"What do you want to do," Teddy asked.
"I think we both have some things to say," Annie said, "and we need to adapt again. Mama you're forgetting I'm 32."
"I know," Teddy said, "at your age I was enlisting."
"I know you're having a hard time with this but I need you to let me go," Annie said, "you need to let me fly mama."
"I know," Teddy said, "I'm trying. I think I've been a bit hard on you."
"Just a bit," Annie shrugged.
"I've been thinking," Teddy said.
"That's never good," Annie teased.
"Okay missy," Teddy laughed.
"What have you been thinking about," Annie asked.
"Why I can't let you go," Teddy said.
"Go on," Annie prompted.
"I think it's hard for me because of all the tangled up trama," Teddy said, "that you and I have so much that's all twisted up from before you were born and when you were a little kid that was out of our control."
"I think we do," Annie agreed, "you know I don't blame you for Leslie. I've told you that before."
"I blame myself," Teddy said, "I got us away from Steven and then I put you where she could hurt you."
"I know we both have triggers around that," Annie said, "and I avoid talking about it because I know it triggers you."
"I'm working on it," Teddy said, "I hate that it still bothers me. I have to work on it. Annie I still feel like I have to make up the 19 years we were apart."
"Mama that has to stop," Annie said, "you're the one holding on to it. We can't go back. We can only go forward. I know it hurts you because you're my mother. I know anything that hurts Ellie hurts me. I get it. I know we'll always fight it. This is cPTSD. We will always have triggers and ours will be tangled. We have to figure out how to work around it."
"I know," Teddy said, "I blame myself for a lot of yours and then I hold on tighter trying to make it better."
"I know," Annie said, "I need you to stop though. I'm an attending in a few months mama."
"Are you taking Maggie's offer," Teddy asked.
"I'm considering it seriously it's a good offer a peds cardio ward dedicated space for my kids that's generous," Annie said, "but I have a better salary offer at Tacoma, fewer on call shifts and a dedicated resident."
"Monday let's talk the numbers," Teddy said.
"Tacoma the draw back is the commute and when I'm on call I'll have to stay there and be away from Ellie," Annie said.
"I can negotiate a dedicated resident and salary," Teddy said.
"One thing at a time, save work for Monday," Annie said, "we really need to work on separating work and home again."
"What do you mean," Teddy asked.
"You're hovering and pestering again," Annie said, "that's why I had the lock on my lab changed. I'm close. I've had a ton of failures but that means i'm closer. I'll get it working but it stresses me out when you hover. I don't want you seeing me make mistakes. I have a hard time feeling like I'm letting you down. All my struggles in my lab let you down."
"When have you let me down," Teddy asked.
"The day I gave Allison sesame seeds," Annie said.
"None of us knew she had an allergy," Teddy said, "and you had a trauma reaction that day didn't you."
"I think I did," Annie said, "that was a while ago she was only 1."
"I know she's 7," Teddy said, "why did you react that way?"
"Because of how Leslie treated my mistakes," Annie said, "mistakes like that were catastrophic failures that ended with me being grounded for a couple months. I would mess up and she would tell me I was worthless and had to earn my way into her good graces again, that I had to prove I should be part of the family. I'd fail a test and Leslie wouldn't talk to me for a week. The summer I let Jessica fall of the swing set and break her arm she didn't talk to me for a month."
"And you thought Owen and I would do the same," Teddy said, "you panicked."
"I did," Annie said, "I understand it better now. That was part of me being a brat."
"The more I think about it the more the times you came off as being a brat as you put it you were triggered," Teddy said, "you revert back to being a teenager when you're triggered."
"I'm working on it," Annie said.
"We always work on it with triggers," Teddy said, "some we can slowly eliminate and I've seen you do that with a few and others get better with time. I still have a couple big ones."
"Banging and slamming things, 9/11, my sperm donor, Leslie and anything to do with Iraq," Annie listed.
"Yes," Teddy agreed, "you're still sudden touch, Leslie, Jessica, me correcting your work and making a mistake."
"Touch is getting better," Annie argued, "and I'm better with the mistake thing."
"You are," Teddy agreed.
"It's only ever been you or dad," Annie said, "I'm scared to let you down and have you disown me."
"Never going to happen," Teddy promised, "I love you too much."
"Can you stop smothering," Annie asked, "let me do my thing? I'm considering the Tacoma offer because it will give me some room to be me. I need to spread my wings. I still feel like I need to be your show pony sometimes."
"I will find a new star student," Teddy said.
"You have me and Yang isn't that enough," Annie said.
"It's a pretty good track record," Teddy agreed.
"I need you to back off and let me do my thing," Annie said, "you've taught me well. I'm ready for you to step back and watch. I can do this."
"I know you can," Teddy replied, "and I know I'm hard on you."
"You are," Annie agreed.
"I'll try to get better," Teddy replied.
"What do you need me to do," Annie asked.
"Keep using your voice even with me," Teddy replied, "and I want you to work on those triggers."
"I'm always working on them," Annie said, "at least we know what they are now."
"That is a good step," Teddy agreed, "what else is going on?"
"Working, Ellie, lots of family time," Annie said, "starting a tartan tots class for 2.5 year olds after Christmas and mommy and me twinkle stars ballet."
"Dance," Teddy said, "your daughter of course she'll dance."
"Exposing and seeing what she likes," Annie replied, "Josh is doing parent and tot swimming and skating with her."
"How's Josh," Teddy asked.
"He's good," Annie said, "he's looking at a peds fellowship if he can get one in the area."
"Peds," Teddy asked.
"We don't have a peds trauma person and he's been doing a ton of peds and adolescent traumas," Annie said, "he wants to focus more on it. I've basically done two fellowships at once. If he wants to add a second I'm not going to stop him."
"Other than work," Teddy asked.
"We're trying for another baby," Annie said, "I know it's my last year of fellowship but I don't care. I want another baby. I'm ready, Josh is ready, Ellie is old enough. I know when I mentioned it before you weren't thrilled by the idea but it's my family and my marriage."
"It caught me by surprise," Teddy said, "and you were so stressed with Ellie sweetheart."
"And that stress wasn't being pregnant," Annie replied, "that was Leslie and Jessica, and my final year of residency."
"If its what you and Josh want then do it," Teddy said.
"Two and we're done," Annie said.
"Doing that twice is enough," Teddy agreed.
"Are we good," Annie asked.
"I am," Teddy replied, "are you?"
"Yep," Annie replied.
They returned to the parking lot and parted ways. Both feeling relieved that they had finally opened the discussion about the conflicting traumas and how they could trigger each other sometimes. They both knew they had things to work on and would have to do it. But it had been an open and honest exchange. It had gotten easier over the years to talk about it.
I'm just tying up a few loose ends in the story and will finish it in the next 6-7 chapters. This has been an incredibly rewarding story for me to write but it's time for this saga to come to a close.