A/N: *deep sigh* Hey y'all. I'm so sorry that updates have been sporadic. My depression and anxiety have kinda been kicking my butt lately, but I finally got up the energy to come over and hit post. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, tagged to episode 12x02, The Foundry. If you could find it in your hearts to drop a review, it would be much loved. Thanks for all your love and support!

A/N: Nothing recognizable belongs to me.

Baby Mine

"Hi Mom,

I know you said you wanted space and time, and I respect that. Out of the two of us, I think I understand that best. I left too. I went to find my own path, find out who I was away from this family and hunting. I guess I hope that you find what you're looking for, and that it doesn't backfire on you.

I know you miss Dad. And I don't want you to misunderstand, because we miss him too. I just don't think you fully grasp exactly what happened when you died. I know Dean tried to tell you that he changed, that your 'John' didn't exist anymore, and I tried to show you through the journal, but I don't know. I guess it didn't take. It's alright that you miss him, to you he was just with you yesterday. But we miss you too. And we have for years, decades even. Because while you were with John, Baby-Sammy, and Little-Boy-Dean, we were down here, missing you.

I told you that you being alive, you being here with us, filled in the biggest blank for me. And it did. I never got to experience what having a mother was like. Hell, I didn't even know what a mother was until I was in kindergarten, and that wasn't to say that Dad and Dean purposely kept you from me, because they didn't. All I knew was that you were gone; the term 'Mom' had no context. But after I found out what a mother was, I realized that Dean was already doing his best to fill in those blanks for me. He told me stories of you that made you seem like a princess and a superhero, all wrapped up in the one person who would have protected us from all the bad stuff if the bad stuff hadn't gotten to her first. Maybe that's why you left. Hunter-Princess-Superhero-Mother can't be easy to live up to, but that's all I had to compare you to. So, I'm sorry if I put too much pressure on you, but I wish you had told me that instead of running.

Sorry, that came out wrong. I can accept you leaving. I can. I'm not trying to be mean, but I know how to live without you. Dean made sure of it. I never needed you. I wanted you, or the idea of you, for so long. But I never really needed you. Dean did. That little boy that you wanted? Your "little boy, Dean"? He was right in front of you. He was there, standing right in front of you, basically begging you to let him be enough, and you turned him down. I know you didn't mean it like that, but that's how it is.

He's never been enough, or, at least, he's never viewed himself as enough. Dad always wanted more from him: more effort, more work, more dedication. I guess I did too. I always wanted something outside of the family, when family is all Dean's ever wanted. He's always fought to keep us together. When I was younger, it was painful to see him fight so hard when all I wanted to do was leave. I've left him more times than I can count, more times than he deserves, and I'll never forgive myself for any of them. Bad things happen when we're separated. What you saw in that basement with the British Men of Letters? Piece of cake compared to other things that have happened to us when we think the other person doesn't care or isn't alive. I've done things; Dean's done things. But we keep each other accountable; we keep each other human. I know you've seen hunters go sideways before, and I know you want to protect us from that (or maybe you want to protect yourself from that, I don't know), but you should know that every time one of us falls, the other one is there to help pick us up, dust us off, and keep us going. Family is all we've got left. We're all we've got left. Me and Dean against the world. Dean was willing to let you in on that. He opened his heart to you and let you into our lives. You were supposed to be his gift. Damn Winchester luck, I guess.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that I understand why you left, and I forgive you for leaving me. All I ever wanted was a mother, but dreams come true always come with a price. A couple of days with you is enough for me, I think. So, yeah. I forgive you for leaving me. But I don't forgive you for leaving Dean.

You hurt him. He's spent decades missing you because you were taken from us. Now, he's missing you because you chose to leave. You said that you missed Little Boy Dean, even though he was standing right there in front of you. You basically said that he wasn't your son. Well, he is your son. But more than that, he's my big brother. And you hurt him. I've been willing to kill people for less. Witches, werewolves, vampires. Except that you're not a monster; you're our mother.

Therefore, this letter serves as a warning to you. Yes, we love you. Yes, if you come back, we'll let you back in. But it won't be a warm welcome. It won't be trading snack food opinions or taking family hunting trips. And if you decide again that we're not what you want…I don't want to think about what will happen. So, please, for everyone's sakes, stay away for as long as you need. It won't hurt me (or maybe it will, I'm not sure). But please, please, don't hurt Dean again.

Love

Sam paused and scratched out the word.

Your son,

Sam

Sam's hands shook as he held the written letter in his hand. It had been a spur of the moment idea, writing down everything that was going through his head. He'd needed to get it all out, to find a way to channel his anger and his hurt and his betrayal that didn't include barfights, one night stands, or copious amounts of alcohol.

But now, staring at it, he knew he couldn't send it. Not because it wasn't true, because it was. Not because he didn't know where to even send it, even though he didn't. No, it was because he knew he'd never forgive himself, and he knew Dean would never forgive him, if she ever read the letter. If she ever knew exactly how much pain she had caused her boys by choosing to protect herself, she would never come back, and that was more painful than the idea that she might come back someday.

Sam pulled Dean's lighter out of his pocket, and held it up to the corner of the paper. It caught and Sam took in the sight for a moment before dropping the paper in the sink. Nobody would ever know. He allowed his deepest thoughts about his mother to go up in smoke, so similar to the way she had left their lives the first time. A fitting farewell to the mother who might not come back.

Turning away from the burning embers, Sam felt a twinge of regret for not sending the letter; not giving the mother he barely knew a piece of his mind on behalf of the brother who had defended him his entire life. It was something he would not have thought twice about if it had been John, but something about Mary being the source of his anger gave him pause. As Sam walked away, wiping a stray tear from his eye as he retreated to his room, he knew that at least part of that letter had been blustering on his part. Perhaps, Baby Sammy needed his Mom as much as Little Boy Dean did. But it was like his mother had said. They weren't Baby Sammy and Little Boy Dean anymore. And now Little Brother Sammy had to protect Big Brother Dean. He just never thought it would have to be against their own mother.

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed that. Stay safe and I'll see you soon.