Authors Notes
A quick note about competitive highland dance: most dancers are in the premier A or championship class by the age of 14 or 15 it's rare for a dancer not to move to that level because of how competitions are structured. The competitions are structured to move dancers forward to the championship class at their own pace based on wins. Strong dancers move up to the next level of competition. As well having a 13+ age group at a smaller competition is typical so they could in theory have Ellie and Catrina at 13 and Allison at 17 all in the same class. By that point everyone is expected to have the dancemanship to be able to compete with out getting upset if a younger dancer wins as judging is based on the skill of the dancer on the stage not who the judge likes best.
On to the story
Annie tightend her ponytail before getting out of the car. She was dressed simply yet elegantly, black pants and a white blouse with a burgundy sweater. She knew she was over dressed but this wasn't a jeans an t-shirt meeting. Her outfit showed her confidence and maturity.
"Leslie," Annie greeted coolly.
"Annie," Leslie replied.
"You wanted to talk," Annie said, "i'll get us coffees and we can sit for a bit. Josh is picking me up at 4:00."
"Thats it," Leslie said.
"We have a couple other people to see today," Annie replied, "he's taking Ellie skating while were here."
"How is Ellie," Lesie said, "she's almost 2."
"Almost three," Annie said, "shes good. Ready for preschool in the fall. She knows her letters already and counts to 20."
"Most kids her age have a trick they can do," Leslie said, 'what's hers?"
"She's already dancing at home with me but that's about it. We're still keeping it light and playful pas de bas and high cuts, fairy walks and butterfly runs, good toes and naughty toes," Annie said, "she goes to daycare happily and plays with Catrina a lot. She likes skating and swimming. She's a good girl."
"The last time I spent much time with you you were pregnant with her," Leslie pointed out.
"Choices," Annie replied, "we can't change it now."
"Will you have more," Leslie asked.
"Maybe," Annie shrugged, "I'm still not done with my fellowship."
"When are you done," Leslie asked.
"I signed my contract this week," Annie said, "I'm an attending pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon at Grey Sloan starting July 1."
"Canada day," Leslie said.
"I haven't celebrated that since I was 20," Annie replied, "and we always work the fourth. It's an all hands on deck day."
"Still working a lot," Leslie asked.
"Im at 60 and Josh does 70," Annie replied, "in Hospital. I do about 20 hours a week on my research at home and Josh does 10 so we total 80 but we try to be home with Ellie as much as possible. You didn't bring me here to catch up. What are you expecting of me tomorrow?"
"Stay in the back," Leslie said, "we don't want you there."
"Who is we," Annie asked.
"Your father you know the one who raised you," Leslie snapped, "your brother. My parents."
"I talked to dad and Chris this morning," Annie said, "we were going to sit as a family. I talk to Grandma once a week and she's never mentioned me not sitting with you. That is a you problem Leslie. I know you just lost your real daughter, the only one of us you actually cared for but I will not let you push me out anymore. "
"Can you at least dress properly," Leslie said, "not like you were at the hospital."
"Yes I was in leggings and a tunic the day Jessica died," Annie replied, "because I was pulled out of bed at 3am because no one thought to call me until you knew she was dying. I should have been called as soon as you knew she was sick again. I was more concerned about getting to VGH then what I looked like."
"You embarrassed me," Leslie said.
"Again Leslie that's you," Annie replied, "I was always your show pony. The one you thought you could manipulate and control, to make it perfect. Everything was fine as long as I was the best weather I wanted to do it or not. Why couldn't I have been average at something? Why wasn't I allowed to pick one thing to be good at and leave the rest?"
"You were my perfect child until you connected with Teddy," Leslie sneered.
"I wasn't happy," Annie said, "she taught me to use my voice. I am not letting you take that away. I've spent 11 years learning to use it Leslie, I'm not giving it away now because it makes you uncomfortable."
"Can you just be quiet and not talk to anyone who isn't a McKellar or Teddy's family tomorrow," Leslie asked, "and look like a woman in a dress not something like those ridiculous scrubs."
"I only wear scrubs when I'm on the surgical floor. I have a very appropriate dress," Annie replied, "and I will talk to whoever wants to talk to me. Leslie you are going to be very alone if you keep making rules about who can talk to who."
"My parents," Leslie argued.
"I talk to grandma once a week," Annie replied, "she knows what I do and that I love what I do. She's come to respect it. You're the one that won't learn."
"I'm your mother," Leslie snapped.
"You haven't acted like it since I was 21," Annie replied, "I was your child when I was the best. The moment I made a mistake I was adopted. I was only your child if I was perfect, I had to be flawless. I wasn't allowed to be normal. You've already lost one daughter, you don't have to lose both."
"So what are you going to do to make it up to me," Leslie asked.
Annie shook her head, "this is the grief of losing Jessica this is not a good day to be doing this. Tomorrow we will present a fake united front and then I will go home. In a few weeks or a couple months when we have both had time to heal we can talk about what moving forward looks like."
"That's it," Leslie snapped.
"That's it," Annie replied, "for today. We're both grieving and not in a good frame of mind to do this. It's okay to say you're not ready to talk about it."
"She never got to know the feeling of holding your baby for the first time," Leslie said.
"I know," Annie replied.
"She'll never make me a grandma," Leslie sobbed.
"I know," Annie agreed, "but it's not too late to get to know the two grandchildren you do have. Mom you gave up a lot to take care of Jessica. You spent her whole life trying to make her happy. Take the time you need to figure out what's next for you."
"How are you not a mess," Leslie asked.
"I said goodbye to the person I grew up with years ago," Annie said, "she hasn't been the sister I grew up with in years."
"But the tumor someone should have fixed it," Leslie cried.
"If it was smaller or in a different spot, if it had been caught earlier," Annie said, "if Christina Yang and Maggie Pierce say they can't do it it's not possible. There's a lot of ifs but it's too late to know. That tumor was wrapped around her whole heart, we don't know if there would have been enough heart muscle left to beat."
"That's only at your hospital," Leslie said.
"Everyone who looked agreed," Annie said.
"You gave up," Leslie said.
"I talked it through with Dr Milner." Annie argued, "she was the attending. It's not my hospital, I'm not licensed here. And no I'm not starting as a resident again to get licensed here."
"What would that mean," Leslie asked.
"My last 8 years gone," Annie said, "my professional reputation that I'm just starting to really build as me."
"Moving away from Teddy," Leslie asked.
"Being seen as different," Annie replied, "we'll always get attention for being the same specialty. But so do others. Meredith Grey chose the same specialty as her mom. Uncle Owen and auntie Meghan get attention for the same specialty."
"You're staying where you are," Leslie confirmed.
"I had other offers in Seattle and Tacoma," Annie said, "but for my daughter and my marriage I'm best where I am. Josh is an attending trauma surgeon. For us we don't do well not seeing each throughout the day. It's all we know. Ellie is in daycare at the hospital and can stay until she goes to kindergarten. I can go see her and take her for a walk or play with her when I have down time. I can be part of my daughter's little moments, give her a hug before nap time. I couldn't do that if I moved hospitals. It may not be best for me all the time to work as closely as I do with mama but it's what's best for my daughter."
"You see her during the day," Leslie asked.
"Every chance I get," Annie said, "Josh sees her whenever he can and takes her out when he has down time. She gets signed out by anyone in the family, we take any of the kids for a break or family time. I'm going to give Katie permission to sign her out as well."
"So they'll lose Katie two," Leslie said.
"Not lose," Annie replied, " Katie is growing up. It's the next step in her journey. We want our kids to grow up and be independent. As much as I miss the baby snuggles and being home with her every day I know she has to do things on her own. I love being home with her, i'm good at and enjoy what I do but it's my family that makes me happy. I love my time with Ellie curled up for a story, playing in the yard, dancing in the kitchen. She loves dinosaurs and knows a lot of their names. If I put her clothes on her bed she dresses herself now. Not always on the right way but it's coming. She's maturing and doesn't need me to do everything with her. It's the same when we finish college or med school. It's time to spread our wings. Katie won't be alone she has, me, Josh and Jenna in the hospital. She's going to live across the street from Chris and Jenna. Well look out for her. Jenna and I are assigned to her intern class as their attending mentor for their first two years. You don't think I'll look out for her?"
"Why did you have to go to Boston to do it," Leslie asked.
"Because I had to try," Annie replied, "I had to see what was out there for me. I really believe it was God's plan. I went to school, worked and hung out with Josh and Steph."
"You traveled," Leslie said.
"To see mama," Annie replied, "I wouldn't have gone if she wasn't in Germany. If she had been in Seattle I would have flown out here."
"Then we would have seen you," Leslie said.
"I'm not going to speculate," Annie replied.
"Can I come visit," Leslie asked.
"I'd like that," Annie replied, "I've talked to dad and Chris and they like the idea but I want your approval. We're opening a new pediatric cardio wing and it needs to be named. I spoke to my cheifs if peds and cardio and as well as my chief of surgery. I'm proposing that it be named the Henry and Jessica memorial pediatric Heart Center."
"Your sister and step father," Leslie asked.
"Yes," Annie replied, "I just need your support to submit the proposal I won't if you don't agree."
"Can I think about it," Leslie asked.
"You can," Annie replied.
"Why," Leslie asked.
"It's my sister," Annie replied, "I never hated her. I understood she was ill and it was her illness. I knew that at 19. What hurt was that no one saw me. I was scared and hurting and didn't know which way was up so I clung to the two people that saw that. That understand trauma. The night they pulled Jessica from the rubble and brought her to me she should have been black carded. If she was anyone else I would have. She was in such bad shape but she was my sister. I would have transfused her with blood directly from my arm if it would have helped. I've done a direct person to person transfusion before and been the blood bank."
"How can you be the blood bank," Leslie asked.
"I'm O negative, the universal donor," Annie replied, "couple years ago at the fishing camp there was an explosion at another lodge and we went to help. They used both mama and I."
"Teddy," Leslie asked, "how could they use both of you?"
"In order for a child to be O negative both parents have to be," Annie explained, "Ellie is A+ because that's what Josh is. It cancels out my O neg. so I can donate for anyone but can only get O neg."
"What happened when they brought Jessica to you," Leslie asked, "did you know?"
"I had a good idea seeing her face," Annie admitted, then when I cut her shirt away to deal with the chest injury I saw her birthmark and knew. That birthmark in her ribs was distinct, I had to put her chest tube through it."
"That's why it puckered," Leslie asked.
"That's why it puckered," Annie said, "she needed it right there. As soon as I knew it was her I had to save her. I passed off others because I had to save her. There was no way I could ever look at you again if I didn't. I was not going to let her die like that."
"Why would you save her if you never liked her," Leslie asked.
"I always loved her," Annie said, "I never hated her. Yes I went through a phase where I was scared, hurt and confused. It was never hatred. I was hurt and confused because someone I loved was in so much pain they were lashing out. I always loved her, I've always loved you. That's why I was so hurt and acted the way I did. I pushed you away because I was hurt, I didn't do that well. It would kill me if Ellie did that to me. I'm sorry."
"Thank you," Leslie said.
"I ran when things got hard," Annie admitted, "I should have faced it but I ran."
"You took your dad back why not me," Leslie asked.
"Because he joined my world," Annie said, "he didn't ask me to be someone I haven't been since I moved to Boston. He met us where we were at. He spends time with Josh and Ellie. I'm done running away. I'm still working on being ready to reach out. You know where I am."
"I can't come down," Leslie said.
"You can," Annie insisted, "you have nothing holding you back. You can choose to be around as much as you want. Just text me first."
"That easy," Leslie asked.
"I want to try," Annie said, "I'm ready to try I have been for a while. I need you to try two."
"I'm not ready yet," Leslie said.
"I'll be waiting when you're ready," Annie said, "you know how to call, text and email me."
"I think I might need some real help," Leslie said.
"What sort of help," Annie asked, "are you sick?"
"I don't know," Leslie said, "maybe some counselling."
"I can ask Dr. Milner if she has anyone she recommends," Annie replied, "I can get that ball rolling."
"My heart hurts," Leslie admitted.
"Physical chest pain or metaphorical," Annie asked.
"Both," Leslie replied.
"Then we need to go to the hospital," Annie declared, "I'll call an ambulance."
"Can't you just check," Leslie asked.
"I don't even have a stethoscope," Annie replied, "I have nothing."
"I don't want to go to the hospital," Leslie said.
"Chest pain has to get checked, Annie replied.
"It feels like my heart is going to stop beating," Leslie said, "every time I think of your sister."
"That does sound more like anxiety or grief," Annie said, "but I haven't done psych since med school, I don't know enough. I would say go get checked it's better to go and get checked. It's free."
"Of course it's free," Leslie said.
"Not for us," Annie replied, "we have really good insurance even with having two plans we'll still pay a couple grand for the tubes to be put in Ellie's ears."
"You had that when you were about four," Leslie said.
"So has Allison," Annie replied, "it's quick and easy. It's scheduled just after her birthday. Dr. Avery is great. Josh will be here in a few minutes. Are you okay?
"I think so," Leslie said, "I need a nap."
"Go home and nap," Annie said, "I would go get your heart checked as a precaution."
"If it doesn't get better," Leslie agreed.
"I'll be checking," Annie replied.
Josh walked into the coffee shop with Ellie.
"Mommy," Ellie called running to Annie.
"Hi Ellie Bug," Annie said hugging her daughter, "can you say hi to Granny?"
"Hi Granny," Ellie said.
"Leslie it's good to see you," Josh greeted.
"Mommy I'm hungry," Ellie said.
"We'll go back to grandmeres and get you some lunch," Annie agreed, "then we're going to see Ms. Cassie and Mrs. Alice."
"From dance," Leslie asked.
"Yes," Annie replied, "they're coming tomorrow but we wanted to see them tonight."
"Tomorrow dressed properly," Leslie directed.
"We will be," Annie replied.
"All of you in black," Leslie demanded.
"Ellie is in dark grey," Annie replied, "they don't make black dresses for two year olds. I won't put my two year old in black. She doesn't really understand what's going on as it is. She knows we're going to church and it's serious."
"We should go," Josh said.
"We should," Annie agreed, "thank you for meeting me."
"Thank you," Leslie replied.
"See you tomorrow," Annie said, turning and walking out with her husband and daughter.
In the car Annie sat back and sighed.
"So tomorrow," Josh asked.
"Treat it like a work event," Annie said, "she wants me silent and away from her. We can do that."
"How was it," Josh asked.
"A lot," Annie replied, " now she wants to try but I don't know what to believe."
"Let her actions speak," Josh said.
"I will," Annie replied, "it was emotional and I'm not getting into it now. We need to get through tonight and tomorrow."
"Can you," Josh asked.
"I can," Annie replied, "I'm just going to do what I can. Stay close to me."
"I will," Josh agreed.
"Mom what's a funeral," Leo asked.
"A funeral is a church service for someone who has died," Teddy explained.
"Tomorrow we're going to one for Jessica," Owen said, "she was Annie and Chris's sister. Uncle Dan's daughter. We're going to go to church the same one Annie went to as a kid. We're going to sit near the back unless Annie asks us to sit with the rest of the family."
"Will the dead person be there," Allison asked.
"There will be a big box called a casket," Teddy replied, "that Jessica's body is in. The casket will be at the front of the church during the service. It's a very serious service like when we go to something for Veterans Day. You're going to stay right with us. It's not a day to play with other kids."
"Why do people have funerals," Leo asked.
"Because it's a way to show respect for people and to let the people who knew them say goodbye," Teddy said, "it's a sad day. People will be upset."
"Can Annie play with me," Allison asked.
"No," Teddy said, "it's going to be a hard day for her. You two could be really helpful by playing with Ellie and Tyler."
"What about Catrina," Allison asked.
"Faroke," Teddy replied, "we're going to be very helpful tomorrow. We will all help where we can."
"What are we doing tonight," Allison asked, "I want to get out of the car."
"Were going to check into the hotel with Nana, David, Meghan, Nathan, Faroke and Catrina," Teddy said, "we'll have some time in our room then go for dinner with Annie, Josh, Chris, Jenna, Ellie and Tyler."
"Does the hotel have a pool," Leo asked.
"It does," Owen said, "we can go swimming after dinner."
Faroke was grumbling in their car, "I'm missing the dance for a funeral for some one I never met."
"It's important that we're all there for Annie and Chris," Meghan said.
"Who was this person," Faroke asked.
"Annie and Chris had a sister named Jessica," Nathan said, "she had a heart tumor that no one could have fixed."
"Why didn't we know her," Faroke asked.
"Her and Annie were not close," Meghan said.
"Was she at their wedding," Faroke asked.
"No," Nathan said, "her and her parents chose not to come."
"Why," Faroke asked.
"I don't know," Meghan said, "it's not the time to ask."
"Why am I here," Faroke asked.
"To help with your sister and little cousins," Nathan said, "your job will be Catrina, Leo, Allison, Ellie and Tyler. You need to make sure they are okay during the lunch after the service. It's one of those mingle things at the church. You need to help the little kids."
"I'm missing the second to last dance of my senior year to babysit," Faroke snapped.
"It's part of being a family," Meghan said.
"There's another dance and prom," Nathan said.
"Who are you going to prom with," Meghan asked.
"Kira," Faroke said, "it's obvious mama."
"Just checking," Meghan said, "I'll go online when we get home and buy both your tickets."
"Already did," Faroke said, "at the school office yesterday."
"We'll get you the money," Nathan said.
"I have a job," Faroke said.
"And your saving for college," Meghan replied, "we'll help but we're not paying for all of it."
"Didn't auntie Teddy and uncle Owen pay for Annie to go to medical school," Faroke asked.
"No," Meghan said, "Teddy helped her with groceries if money was tight but not her tuition or rent."
"I'm going to UW," Faroke said.
"And living at home," Nathan said.
"On campus," Faroke argued, "Annie and Josh got to."
"We only live at 20 minute drive from campus," Meghan said, "You've driven from grandmere's to UBC you know that's over an hour and Annie's parents were further out."
"I want to live in a dorm," Faroke argued.
"You need to look at it all and figure out the costs," Meghan said, "nana didn't help me or uncle Owen with residence costs, figure out if you want to come up with the money, it's not just the room you have to eat. You live at home rent free and we feed you."
"But not at school," Faroke asked.
"No," Nathan said, "we both had to work to pay for school. You need to work for it. No one gets a free ride."
"We'll help if things are tight but you need to have a job and work," Meghan said.
"Okay," Faroke agreed, "I guess I'm applying for student loans."
"You don't qualify," Nathan said, "we earn too much."
"We will pay your tuition, to live at home and your phone," Meghan said, "you are responsible for your car, books, school supplies and spending money."
"It's fair," Nathan said.
"I guess," Faroke shrugged.
They pulled into the hotel parking lot and met up with Owen and Teddy. The two families checked in then spent some time walking through the park across the street.