Chapter 9: Confessions Part One

"Aang, can we talk?"

He nodded in response and followed me, away from the campfire. I led us down a different path, following the stream of the river, we scurried away from our friends who were still enjoying the festivities of the night. Not long after, Aang and I ended up standing side-by-side, staring out at the open ocean with the glory of the newly rebuilt Capitol of the Southern Water Tribe highlighting our shadows with various shades of blue, orange, green and red lighting.

Zuko had left this morning. All our friends had arrived at the ports to see us off, expecting a teary-eyed goodbye from me. However, when I hugged Zuko goodbye and planted my feet into the snow, waving at the retreating ship – to say that Sokka was mildly confused would be an understatement. My father and Malina simply smiled at me; clearly, they were overjoyed by my decision to stay but didn't want to seem too excited. Suki and Toph were simply smirking at me; I had a feeling that both of them knew what my real intentions were, and I knew I'd have to have a serious talk with them afterwards regarding said intentions. Sokka was the only one who was completely confused and understandably so; I had kept him out of the loop regarding my feelings for a while now and he hadn't seen Aang and I interact since Aang's sixteenth birthday, which was basically two years ago. So, needless to say, he had many questions to ask. I, however, was not in the mood – and since it was dawn and I was no longer constricted by a strict Royal Fire Nation law to be awake at this hour, I happily plopped back onto my bed and snuggled with the pillow – imagining I was holding onto a certain someone while I travelled to my dream state with a small smile.

After a long conversation with my friends, which mostly consisted of attempting to shut Sokka up so I could actually get a word in, everyone understood and accepted my reasons for breaking it off with Zuko. Obviously, I left certain details out as said details would either be used by Toph to blackmail me, or by Sokka and Suki to tease me. I thought it would be awkward being around Toph after I told her I had caught her and Aang not long ago, but she instead laughed it off – assuring me that it was a one-time thing and that nothing would or had come out of it.

Aang had returned shortly after the festivities began. I wanted to speak to him, but he kept on getting dragged away by noblemen or by clingy fan girls. After he escaped the public – mostly because Toph was able to play dress up, kidnap him, and drag him over to the campfire where everyone else resided at – I allowed him a moment to relax and settle down before I dragged him away from the group myself. Sokka raised his eyebrow at us, clearly accusing us of something while he stared at our retreating figures, but a blush had grown on my cheeks as I knew Toph and Suki were smirking at me.

Once we had covered enough distance between us and the campsite, I turned around and instantly collided into Aang as he didn't think I would stop suddenly, and I hadn't realised how close we were.

I could feel his eyes staring into mine. His mouth slightly open, his shallow yet warm breath floating just above my lips, teasing me with its warmth – a warmth I craved, especially under these harsh, arctic winds.

Oh, how easy it would be to kiss him now.

I so desperately wanted to close the minuscule distance that remained between us, to close whatever irritating gap that had forced its way between us so I could satisfy my craving for his lips. But I knew I shouldn't; it would be unfair to him. After all I've put him through, he at least deserves an explanation from me before I devour him completely.

"So, umm… what'd you wanna talk about?" Aang asked, pulling me away from my desire-filled-trance as my eyes began concentrating on his eyes instead of his lips.

I took a step back and cleared my throat before I responded, "I wanted to…" I lost my train of thought.

This seemed so much easier and simpler in my head; I had a clear line of coherent statements lined up, all laced with clear explanations as to what my reasons for doing what I did were. I had it all planned out in my head, but standing in front of him now… I didn't know what to say. Suddenly, Zuko's words entered my frame of mind; exactly how was I supposed to make this work? Exactly what could I say to make him believe me? Exactly what could I do to explain to him how much I love him?

"Why are you here, Katara?" Aang sighed, opting to rather be blunt than dance around the conversation like he normally would. "Why didn't you leave with Zuko?"

"Did you want me to leave?" I questioned back, evading like I did during that stupid play.

"No," Aang once again answered directly. "I missed you, so thank you for staying."

"I missed you too," I sadly smiled at him – I could've spent so much time with him during the last 2 years, but I allowed my jealousy to get in the way of our friendship. Spirits I could've spend the last 5 years with him, but I was too blind and afriad to see the blatant truth. I wasn't going to make that mistake again, I've already made enough to keep me up at night… I cannot afford to make more.

I could tell by the way that Aang was glancing at me that he was waiting for me to answer his previous question… and I too was surprised by why I couldn't just answer him. I was a simple question with a simple answer: 'I stayed because I didn't want to be with him. I stayed because I couldn't live that awful life anymore. I stayed because I couldn't bear being away from you any longer. I stayed because I love you.'

"It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" I turned to face the open ocean, the moonlight reflecting off my tan skin and suddenly… I found myself wanting to avoid the very same conversation I had dragged him into.

It might've been because I was scared of rejection. It might've been because I was afraid of scaring him away. It might've been because I dreaded opening up again, to allow myself to be vulnerable around him again. It might've been because I was scared of having my love thrown back at me like it was on that ship – I know it was irrational and unfair, but it was still one of my biggest fears. That memory was carved into my brain, and even after my failed attempts to erase it completely for several years, it still wouldn't budge. That memory was the one thing that reminded me that the man that stood before me was the only man I ever loved, and it also reminded me that he was also the only man who could break my heart to such a major extent. It had already been broken many times before; the death of my mother, my father abandoning me to fight in the war, Aang falling to his death right in front of my eyes, Aang not waking up for an entire month and making me believe he never would – needless to say, I was afraid that if I allowed my heart to break even once more, then I could never be able to piece it back together.

The cracks, however, became too noticeable and too painful to ignore; every day, every minute, every second I was away from him, every tear that rolled down my cheek caused another crack… and another… and another… and another… and soon, it became too overwhelming. I don't know if it was too late or not, but I realised that… by breaking his heart, I had also unknowingly broken my own.

Noting my reluctance, Aang turned to shift his gaze towards the moon as well, indulging me in small talk as a way to help ease me into the conversation – of which I was appreciative.

"Yue always was a stunning specimen," Aang answered, his gaze set solely on said Moon Spirit.

"Are you hitting on the Moon Spirit, Mr. Avatar?" I playfully nudged his shoulder.

He simply chuckled, "No… just being honest is all."

We fell into silence again… and he was giving me that look again.

I sighed and casted my gaze below, staring at my feet while Aang glanced at me from the corner of his eye, "I broke up with Zuko, that's why I stayed."

"Oh," Aang seemed undeterred, and it frightened me - either he actually didn't care or was excellent at hiding it. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really, I've already talked it over with Suki and Toph and I'd rather not rehash it."

"Are you happy?"

I raised my eyebrows; his line of questioning was odd. For some reason, part of me thought he'd be ecstatic and over the moon; he'd pull me into his arms, and he'd admit that all this was a façade. That he still loved me and would always continue to. Then I'd stand on my tiptoes and drag his lips down to meet mine.

Delusions.

"I don't know… I'm feeling a lot better than I was before but… I don't know." I hesitated; I didn't want to tell him the real reason as to why I seemed bummed out.

Was I incapable of being happy unless Aang was in love with me? Was it simply mandatory for my brain to have Aang cradle me in his arms just so I could feel an ounce of joy? Was it my destiny to be hopelessly in love with someone who I had stupidly forsaken? Was Zuko right?

"I guess I just… I thought that… once I was free from all those stupid duties, I'd finally feel like myself again… but I've spent so many years pretending to be someone I'm not, that… I don't even know who I am anymore."

"You are Katara, the girl who broke me out of the Iceberg." Aang turned to face me as I faced him, his voice barely above a whisper yet still loud enough for me to hear. "You are the girl who believed in me when no one else did. You are the girl who sacrificed your safety on countless occasions in the name of selfless duty to others. You are the girl who was so passionate and hardworking, that you surpassed your own master and even me, the Avatar, in waterbending. You are the girl who kept Sokka, Toph and I afloat, who kept our spirits up and never allowed us to give into despair. You are the girl who defeated a firebending prodigy while her power was at it's peak. You are Katara, the most powerful, smart, compassionate, and beautiful girl in the world."

I didn't realise exactly when Aang had cupped my face, but he had. He was leaning down and pressing his forehead against mine. His hot breath covering my face soothingly, making me speechless at his kind words.

"Why did I ever say no to you?" I asked, breathless – staring into the stormy clouds of his – the same grey orbs I'd often find myself lost in.

"You can correct your mistake by saying yes now…"

Without a moment of hesitation, I pressed my lips against his, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him towards me – making sure he had no way to escape or pull away unless I wanted him to – and I certainly didn't want him to. Aang wrapped his arms around my waist, tugging me closer to him as his body was pressed firmly against mine – the bulkiness of our parka's causing a friction that made my body ache to feel his touch.

"Katara? Katara you there?"

Aang waved his hand in front my face while shaking my shoulder slightly. Apparently, I had fallen into a rather wishful daydream. If only it were reality, I thought to myself as I regained my bearings and glanced away, trying to hide the red hue that had overtaken my usually discreet features. It also didn't help that Yue was shining bright tonight, so all it took was one glance for Aang to have an idea as to why I was blushing.

Curse you, Yue.

"You seemed lost there for a moment, what were you thinking about?"

I was going to give him the half-truth, but once I saw the smirk on his face, I knew he'd just laugh at whatever story I had made up last minute in my head. So, I just rolled my eyes, shook my head and turned back around.

"Sorry, w-what were you saying before?" I evaded his question again, except this time I felt like my avoidance was well justified.

"I asked you if the meditation helped at all?"

"Yeah, it did…" I sighed. I wanted so badly to just spit out the truth, to not hold anything back and just tell him everything, I just… I didn't know where to start. "It helped me realise how I feel about you…" I sort of just blurted it out without thinking, but I guess I got the start I was looking for. "Look Aang, these past few years without you have been the worst… and everytime you're away I just…"

"Stop," Aang spoke sternly. "I don't wanna hear it."

"W-what?" I was somewhat shocked needless to say. I was aware of the fact that this conversation was not going to be a cakewalk but… I at least thought he would allow me to explain myself, to express how I truly feel about him. Though, never in a million years did I think that he wouldn't even allow me to do that.

"I don't want to hear whatever you have to say." He stated, still glaring at the distant waters while I cautiously stared him down.

"W-why won't you hear me out? I- I know I hurt you b-but-"

"Do you?" Aang asked suddenly, not allowing me to continue with my train of thought as I wondered just how difficult and heart aching this conversation was going to be. "Do you really know what you put me through? Do you really?"

"Aang I – I"

"Do you know how I spent the last few days before the comet, conflicted, lost and alone?" He interrupted me again. I knew he had a lot he wanted to say to me, so rather than cut him off too, I opted to keep quiet and just hear him out - no matter how painful it would end up being. I could to that for him.

"Do you know how – instead of focusing solely on the Fire Lord and our battle – do you know how I spent those last few hours wondering if my best friend, the girl that I loved... do you know for how long I stood by that beach wondering if you hated me?"

Even though he wasn't yet facing me, I could still see the tears flooding down his face. Seeing him like this and hearing about the affect my actions had on him brought me to tears as well.

"Do you know how I feared whether everything in that play was right? Lying awake in my bed all night… because I couldn't escape the nightmares of you crying and running away from me, screaming that 'you hated me' over and over and over and over again? Do you know how it felt to see that stupid play come to life? To see the girl I loved throw everything I gave her right back at my face? Do you know how hard it was, to stand there and force a fake smile, and say those fake words, and act so fake happy… all because I didn't want you to think I held anything against you? Do you have any idea how it feels to watch the person you love suck face with someone else – someone who she apparently hated only a few days ago? Do you really know how it feels to act like you're happy? To act like everything in your life is going great all while your heart is breaking inside. Do you really know how it feels?"

"Yes! I do know how it feels!" I yelled. Unable to stay quiet any longer, I lashed out at Aang while he stared me down – challenging me with his steel, silver gaze. "Exactly how do you think I felt when I saw you sucking face with Ty Lee? How do you think I felt when I saw you fucking Toph in the middle of an arena? How the fuck do you think I felt when I saw you fucking Mai in my own home? And exactly how the fuck do you think I felt when I caught you making out with Azula?! AZULA! Of all people, you had to go and try to fuck someone who took your life?! What the fuck is wrong with you Aang?!"

"NO! You don't get to judge me!" Aang challenged, planting his feet firmly against the snow and meeting my gaze head on – much unlike the goofy airbender I used to know. "You of all people do not get to judge my choices! You… the same person who chose to date a man who chased us all around the world! The same man who used people and destroyed homes all just to capture us! The same man who terrorised us for months, fought us on countless occasions… hurt us on countless occasions… you chose to sleep with that man! The same man who used your own mother's necklace to track you down and capture you… you chose to settle down with that man. The same man whose decision to betray us led to my death and led to all your tears… you chose to fuck that man!"

"Yeah, well he changed!" I shot right back. I didn't mean for this to turn into another argument like last time, but I was too prideful and stubborn to realise that this probably wasn't for the best – so I kept going. "He changed and he helped us win the war! He changed Aang –"

"Well, so did she!" Aang fired right back, interrupting me mid monologue to prove his point. "Azula changed too, Katara! I helped her change! So, what the fuck is your point?! You can't have it both ways… you can't claim that your boyfriend has changed to justify yourself and then turn right around and say I shouldn't be with Azula simply because of our complicated history! You're being a hypocrite right now, Katara."

"Maybe I am," I conceded, dropping my challenging demeanour and allowing my arms to dangle by my sides while I continued, "I am being a hypocrite. I admit that. But that doesn't give you the right to call me a heartless bitch who never cared for your wellbeing when your wellbeing is all I've ever really cared about."

"I never called you that."

"Well, you sure as hell implied it."

Suddenly, Aang slumped down onto the snowy floor, his back leaning against the railing as he stared at the distanced City of the Southern Water tribe directly in front of him. "What are we doing, Katara? Why are we fighting about the past? Arguing about the things we can't change will only make us more miserable. Better yet, why are we even discussing my relationship with Toph, or Mai or Azula or… anyone at all! Why do you care about who I am with?"

"Because… because I –", I hesitated, it was now or never. My next few words could make or break our relationship, and the doubt was slowly creeping in. However, I didn't allow it to dissuade me.

As I too slumped down onto the snowy grounds, leaning against the railing, I glanced away from Aang's eyes that were homing in on me as I spoke. "Because I… I l-love you."

Sighing deeply, I regained my resolve and faced him head on, my eyes seeking his and staring them down as I admitted the truth to him for the first time, "Because I love you. Because I'm in love with you, Aang. Because… I can no longer pretend like I'm not. Because… it hurts too much seeing you with other girls." I sighed deeply again before I spoke more firmly, still gazing into his eyes, the stormy, grey, clouds that hadn't yet faltered. "I love you, Aang."

I don't know exactly what reaction I was expecting, I always thought he'd just shoot me that goofy smile that always made my heart flutter, take me into his arms and kiss me senseless. But the more his expression transformed from curiosity to irritation to anger, the more Zuko's words rang true in my head.

After a couple seconds of staring me down, Aang snarled as he pushed off the ground and rose to his feet while speaking sarcastically, "Oh! You love me now do you? And I'm… what? Exactly what am I supposed to do with that, Katara?"

I opened my mouth, but my mind went blank, so Aang continued hammering on me, "Am I supposed to just forget about everything that's happened in the past and swoop you up in my arms and kiss and you and hug you and tell you 'I love you too'?! What?! Am I supposed to congratulate you?! Congratu-fucking-lations, Katara! You finally figured out it out! It only took you 5 fucking years and 5 fucking women to realise it!"

"Who the fuck are you?! The Aang I know, the Aang I love would never speak to even the lowest of scum like this… let alone me!"

"Oh, I'm so fucking sorry your majesty. Please, accept my apology." Aang clasped his hands together and got on his knees, sarcastically pleading as if he was some peasant and I his queen. "Please forgive your poor, little, puppy Aang for speaking out of line! What do you need me to do your highness?! Should I wash your clothes? Drive your chariots? Should I worship the fucking ground you walk on?! Please, tell me my Queen, what should your poor, disobedient servant do for you?!"

"A-Aang p-p-please… s-stop…" I begged, trying to control my tears to no avail.

Aang must've noticed my trembling body and shaky voice as he immediately dropped the act and sighed deeply. A long silence swept over us, the only noticeable sounds were those of the howling wind, the cheers and whistles of the folk partying in the distance, and the quiet ripple drops of water nearby.

"Why did you tell me that Katara?" Aang sighed, still on his knees with his head dipped down, he stared into the damp, white snow as I continued to sob. "After all the years it took me to finally get over you, why would you say any of it? To torture me?"

I shook my head in denial, and he must've noticed it as he continued to question me.

"To keep me on your leash?"

I shook my head yet again, my hands beginning to search for his.

"To have someone keep you company until you find someone else?"

"No…" I shook my head while sibbing quietly, my eyes had now located his hand and I was seeking it.

"Then why?"

"Because it's k-killing m-m-me…" I sobbed, clasping his hand and interlocking our fingers as I looked him in the eye, "Just l-like how it w-w-was killing you to see m-me with Zuko… how It was k-killing you to k-keep your f-feelings inside… its now k-k-killing me to d-do the same."

Gripping onto my hand, Aang gave it a tight squeeze and nodded for me to continue – so I did, "I didn't r-realise before but… w-when I did, it… it struck me like l-lightning. Everytime I'd close m-my eyes, all I'd see i-is your stupid, goofy s-smile… then I'd see it disappear… and I'd see your heartbroken expression that day on that balcony… and my h-heart would break all over again b-because… I was the one w-who did that t-to you."

"If it hurt so much, then why did you – " Aang paused, his question lost at the tip of his tongue as he retreated from me, standing up and shuffling away while I stared at him in fear; afraid that he was leaving me again. "No. You know what? I don't want to know."

"Aang, why won't you let me explain myself…" I pleaded. My heart yearned for him to hear me out, to tell my side of the story, to explain to him why I did what I did – but he was unwilling to listen.

"No offense, Katara… but every time you try to explain yourself you just end up saying something that either hurts me or makes things worse."

"What are you – "

"Do you not remember what you said to me at the play?" He challenged, and I couldn't meet his gaze, not this time. "All that talk of being confused… it would've been merciful if you had just told me you didn't love me on that night. At least then I wouldn't have spent my entire time sulking and hating myself for pushing you away. But no… you just couldn't tell me the truth, could you? You just had to make it unclear, you just had to give me baseless hope, you just had to make it hurt even more…"

"Aang…" I sobbed, allowing a few more tears to escape their confinement as I pleaded. "Aang… I'm so, so sorry about what I did that night. I truly am. It was stupid and it was reckless b-but… I didn't do it to h-hurt you or because I d-didn't love you. It was actually because I did l-love you… too much. Aang, the way I felt about you, I had n-never felt so strongly about anyone else in my life… and a-after what happened in Ba Sing Se, after you died and refused to wake up… I just… I got so s-scared of losing you and feeling that pain again that I subconsciously pushed y-you away. I convinced myself that I didn't love you at all, when the truth was that I loved you the entire time… I loved you… too much, so I pushed you away."

"How do I know you're not lying, like you did that night?"

"Aang… how could you even – " I paused. I realised that I was starting to raise my voice and I didn't want to start another screaming match with him, so I took a deep breath to calm and compose myself before I rose to my feet and continued. "Aang, if you don't believe me, then waterbend the snow away, plant your feet into the ground and telling me I'm lying. Or better yet, look into my eyes… and tell me that I'm lying."

He hesitated for a moment, but once his eyes met mine, he sighed and looked away – a few tears escaping his eyes as he did so – I took it as a sign that he knew I was telling the truth. Silence fell upon us again, however, this time we realised that we were now shivering our asses off. Not wanting to freeze to death, Aang suggested we return to the campsite and warm up before turning in for the night. I wanted to finish our talk, but something told me that Aang still had a lot more to say and many more questions to ask. So, I chose to remain quiet for the time being.

When we returned to the campsite, we recognised that all our friends had already left, but they had kept the fire alive and had left a few snacks for us to enjoy. Suki probably had to incapacitate Sokka to stop him from eating those. Needing some warmth, I shuffled to sit by a tree log while Aang sat across from me, his eyes gazing into the fire while mine never left his. A million questions were running through my mind at that moment. We still had so much more to talk about, I still had to explain myself further and Aang still hadn't told me how he felt. Yet, above all else… one question continued to bug me. It was something I had pondered on since the moment I saw him fly.

"Aang, can I ask you something?" When he nodded, his eyes still not leaving the fire, I opted to continue – rather reluctantly might I add – "Do you… do you still love me?"

I was extremely tired while posting so I didn't have the time to respod to your reviews. I will respond to them in the next chapter though, either way, I hope you enjoyed this one.