Early the following morning, before anyone else in the camp was awake, a very jaunty Marian led Allan to the woods just outside Matilda's cottage.
"I coulda used more sleep," Allan complained, groggily. He bellowed out a long noisy yawn and scratched his behind. "You sure Izzy's gonna be here?"
"Matilda said she might."
"Might?"
"She seemed fairly certain. Look!"
They watched as Isabella led another woman into the woods, a very young woman with wavy auburn hair.
"Who is that?" Marian whispered. "She's wearing my dress!"
"I never saw you in that," Allan said, thinking she meant Isabella. "Not bein' funny, but you woulda been a sight though! Izzy likes to steal your things, remember?"
"Not her, the other one."
"Oh, yeah. Wasn't that the dress Gisbourne bought you, when the Black Knights came to town?"
"I only wore it that one time. It made me uncomfortable, especially after the way Winchester leered at me when I had it on."
"Hey! I know her! I've seen her at Ripley Convent!"
"What were you doing there?"
"Makin' Confession, what else?"
"Right, Allan."
He laughed quietly. "I was gettin' friendly, but not with her. She was too good to ask my name."
"Which you wouldn't have told her, if she had."
"They all know me by 'Tom' there."
"That's convenient. 'Tomcat,' more like." Marian caught her breath, remembering the time she'd been on her way to Leicester and had met Sarah, the furrier's daughter. Sarah had mentioned her baby's father's name was Tom. No wonder that baby's eyes had reminded her of Allan! "Allan, there's something you should know..."
"Shh! Izzy heard you."
"Well then, it's time we showed ourselves. Ready? Now!"
With swords drawn, they leaped from behind the trees and rushed at the women. Both women shrieked, but stood their ground. "Is that Robin Hood?" Meg cried.
"We are Robin Hood," Marian announced, flourishing Robin's sword at Isabella.
It was not his Saracen scimitar. Marian had not seen that since he'd used it in the Holy Land, and she wondered where it was. She carried his English sword today.
"That is not Robin," Isabella told Meg scornfully, once she mastered her own fear and surprise. "Only a measly part of his gang. Robin is much more delicious, believe me. And I'm not just referring to his lips," she added, addressing Marian. She smiled wickedly. "Mmm," she said, licking her own lips. "Tasty."
Marian flushed, angry and embarrassed. "You're disgusting! Robin despises you."
"Perhaps. But he burns for me. Tell her, Allan! Why else did he risk his handsome neck, breaking into my bedchamber just the other night?"
Marian, shocked and dismayed, looked questioningly at Allan.
"If he'd wanted her," Allan told Marian, "why'd he bring me along? We went there to find out where Giz is hiding."
"Does he mean Guy?" Meg asked Isabella. "My future husband?"
"Oh, no," Marian said, almost dropping the sword. "He's back?"
Isabella gloated as she answered, "And he brought his bride-to-be. May I introduce Lady Margaret of Eynsham? Lady Margaret, meet the rabble."
Marian addressed herself to Meg. "Do not marry him!"
"Shut up!" Meg snapped. "What do you know about it?"
Isabella told Meg, "Despite her peasant's garb and bruises, she is Guy's former fiancé. They were being married, but she left him at the altar."
"Why would she do that?"
"Because he is cruel," Marian told her. "You must not marry him!"
"Cruel? He's powerful! You just want him for yourself. Well, you can't have him. I am to be his wife."
"Look," Allan interrupted, addressing Marian, "I hate to break up this hen party, but I thought we came here to insult Isabella. If you won't do it, I will. Hey, Izzy, Robin says you kiss like a snake! Why would he want you, when he's got her? I mean, look at her!" He executed a "wolf whistle" and made an hourglass with his hands.
"I am not a piece of meat, Allan," Marian said. "A snake?"
"A snake!" Isabella repeated, outraged.
"Yeah, he says you do that little tongue flicking thing. He didn't like it."
"He had no complaints about my tongue before, believe me!"
Marian pointed her sword at Isabella again. "Stop saying things about my husband! He wishes he'd never met you, you whore!"
"Ouch." Isabella laughed.
Unable to stop herself, Marian pricked Isabella's arm with the sword, tearing the sleeve on her gown. "There's you 'ouch'! Your brother gave my arm a much deeper wound than that, and I didn't snivel the way you are."
"Whoa, Marian!" Allan warned. "I thought we were only gonna use words."
"I was, until she said those things about Robin!"
"Did you expect me to be meek and quiet," Isabella asked, "and wait for you to insult me? I am a Gisbourne, do not forget!"
Another voice interrupted the scene. Matilda, dressed in a rough woolen bathrobe, came rushing out of her cottage and told Isabella, "Yes! And a filthy, vile, bloody, remorseless, treacherous, lecherous name it is! As false as hell, and twice as evil! Your brother is the son of a mongrel French bitch, a 3-inch man, a boil, a plagued sore, an eel skin! And as for you, you poison loving harlot, you venomous slut! Your sin's not accidental, but a trade! You are a hobby horse that any man may rock and ride upon!"
Allan spoke up. "Any man? Can I have a go?"
"Begone, snake!" Matilda continued, ignoring him. Turning to Meg, she warned, "And as for you! You had better listen to warnings, and run! Run from that turd faced bastard, before he does to you what he's done to her, or you have no more brains than I have in my elbows! You have not so much brain as ear wax, if you marry him!"
"Come, Meg," Isabella said, taking her by her elbow. "Let's leave these outlaws and their witch friend, and return to Locksley."
"Locksley belongs to my husband, and therefore, myself," Marian called after them.
"Hey!" Allan remonstrated. "Shouldn't we rob them?"
"Good idea!" Running after them, Marian pointed her sword at Isabella again, then used it to slice off a lock of her hair. Isabella screamed.
"Your valuables, ladies," Allan said.
"I have nothing," Meg said, hiding her hands behind her back.
"That ring you're wearing belongs to me," Marian said truthfully.
"Guy gave this to me," Meg whined. "Don't take it from me."
"He took it from me, or from my things," Marian said, "as well as that dress you're wearing. But since I consider you a victim, I'll let you keep the ring for now. Feel free to sell it, if you need money to help you escape."
"She is a liar," Isabella sneered, "a she-cat devil!"
"You're the devil," Marian said. "Care for another haircut? I once had my hair chopped off. Your brother can give you a lovely cap to wear to hide it."
"Alright, ladies," Allan said, "enough with the squabbling. Let's have the goods! Oi!" he said to Isabella. "Robin said you carry your purse way high up, on your thigh! Let's have it!"
Isabella shot Marian a gloating look, then slowly lifted her gown all the way up, revealing her shapely legs. "Take it," she said, pulling her purse from her garter. "It's worth it, to show Robin's lovely bride what so enflamed him that day."
"Not bein' funny, but I've seen better legs on chickens," Allan lied for Marian's sake, while actually admiring the view.
"I've seen better legs on frogs," Marian added.
"On beetles," Allan said.
"On snakes!" Still unsatisfied, Marian used the sword to lop off another lock of Isabella's hair. "Say another word about my husband, and I'll rethink my reservations about cutting out tongues. Come on, Allan. Let's go home."
...
(Note: I borrowed Matilda's insults from Shakespeare, with mild variations. Thanks for reading! Please review!).