I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreaming but, there's a voice inside my head saying 'you'll never reach it'. Every step I'm taking, every move I make feels lost with no direction, my faith is shaking. But I, I gotta keep trying, gotta keep my head held high. 'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain, always gonna wanna make it move. Always gunna be an uphill battle, sometimes I'll have to loose. Ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb
4th December 2020
The beginning of December meant that it was now 'officially' Christmas time, though Morgana had finished her Christmas shopping in November (apart from the stocking stuffers). The Bastarding Troll in the Coal had appeared, Morgana was adamant that they wouldn't be doing elf on the shelf so compromised with Merlin on the "troll on the coal", while the elf would arrive into the house he'd typically sit on a shelf, while the troll would sit on coal in the fireplace and soon begin to cause mischief. The troll was rather cute, they'd gotten a cuddly toy of the one from Frozen, while Morgana had wanted to get an ugly one Merlin had pointed out that it might scare Amhar and the baby so they settled on something semi-cute (there was no way in hell Morgana would give in and get a troll from the movie 'trolls'). Even though it had only been there a few days, Amhar had taken a likening to it, though understood the rules as to not touch it.
Though they hadn't put the tree up yet, they'd save that for the first weekend of December when they would head to a garden centre as a family and choose one, advent calendars had finally been opened. At two, Amhar was old enough to have an advent calendar, Merlin and Morgana had dairy milk ones while Amhar had a paw patrol one which he loved. Admittedly, even though they had Amhar, Morgana was rather "precious first born" with Alfie, and didn't even plan to give him So much as a chocolate until he was at least eighteen month's, let alone one piece every day at two that could ruin his virgin gut. She'd only just moved back into the front seat in Merlin's car, having put Amhar in the front and remaining in the back with Alfie, though she did begin to get fed up after a while (and even the car wouldn't lull Amhar to sleep with all the excitement of being up front).
By the time December had rolled around, Morgana's CBT sessions had run out. Even though they were bloody exhausting, they'd proven to be a help in some way as she felt more back to herself. Whether it was the lift of lockdown in England or the sessions, she wasn't sure though things were slowly improving, like she ate less meals one-handed and she was sleeping more—Alfie was better at latching on himself in the night now while Morgana was asleep so she didn't have to wake to feed him, at four months old he'd passed the worst stage for SIDS and she found herself worrying less. Though he still wasn't sleeping through, it was a massive improvement in months, Morgana getting almost a full six hours of solid sleep while Alfie latched on and off through the night. They had been safely co-sleeping from birth, ensuring that the blanket was below both Morgana and Merlin's waist, pillow out of the way of the baby and an arm above Alfie. While he was a bit old for swaddling at four months old, he was still fitting into the swaddlers (plus it was easy enough to use them—put baby in and zip up) and was happy to be swaddled with his arms in while asleep, he tended to be swaddled in his carrycot as well as having his newborn inlay with sometimes a blanket on top when going for a walk with the freezing weather in Monmouth.
That morning they all woke up to a lovely dusting of snow, while not a lot it rarely snowed in the UK as of late so it was nice to have some snow for a change. The roads would have to be gritted and it snowed heavily all morning while the Emrys family ate their breakfast together, so Merlin ended up leaving early while Morgana and Alfie headed back to bed. Morgana wanted to sleep though she knew she wouldn't be able to, so instead lay in bed and fed Alfie, gazing at him and enjoying the bonding experience before she burped him and changed his nappy again. After putting him in the co-sleeper she began to make the bed and went over the the bathroom to brush her teeth, chatting away to Alfie about what she was doing the whole time. She sat him up on her knee as she did her makeup, not too much—foundation, concealer and eyeliner so that she'd look presentable. The only time she'd really leave the house was to meet up with Mithian or go to baby swimming, given everyone else there had small babies and were also rather sleep deprived no one bothered (it'd probably wash off in the pool anyway!); even though she would be wearing a mask the whole time it made Morgana feel more put together as she tied her hair into a high ponytail, Alfie having taken a likening to playing with his mum's hair.
"I wonder if it'll stop snowing" Morgana said. "I hope it doesn't. It'll be nice for you to see snow. Though we have to go to the doctors so you can have your vaccines!". Alfie scowled. "I know, you don't like them that much. No one does baby. I hope it stops snowing so that mummy doesn't have to look ridiculous in her snow suit!".
Morgana checked the time and looked outside—nine thirty and heavy snow. "Looks like after you have a feed mummy has to break out the snow gear" Morgana muttered as she lifted her top up and sat on the bed with Alfie. After changing yet another nappy and heading down she bundled Alfie up into his snowsuit and put him in his pram with a few blankets. She put her waterproof trekking trousers on, followed by her wellies and maternity and nursing hoodie before she put her thick waterproof coat on instead of her baby-wearing one with a hat and scarf. She attached the rain-cover on the carrycot and put her phone in her pocket with the bag under the pram and she grabbed her keys.
"Let's brave this then" Morgana muttered as she put her waterproof gloves on and locked the door, walking to the doctors surgery. The pavements were covered in snow and there weren't many cars around, people looking absolutely freezing as they walked around. Morgana knew she looked somewhat ridiculous in her snow gear, though at least she was warm and not freezing her tits off like everyone else, not at all bothered by the warm rush as she walked into the doctors surgery even though she'd kept her mask on the whole time to keep her face warm. As soon as she entered she took the rain cover off and stripped her hat scarf, gloves and coat off, headed into the room for Alfie to have his vaccinations (though breastfeeding was somewhat hard with all those layers on, even if her jumper did have side zips for boob access). Morgana almost didn't put her coat on as she began to walk home, too hot from being in the stuffy doctors surgery though was glad that she did as she walked out and took her mask off straight away, the cold biting her face. The rain began as Morgana made her lunch, the walk with Mithian inevitably being cancelled, both babies would nap in the afternoon so the two friends decided not to meet for that day, and probably FaceTime with the kids instead later once their husbands came home.
Morgana ate her lunch, vegetable lasagne and finished all of it as opposed to only eating some of it and throwing the rest of it in the bin. She'd lost all the baby weight and more, she knew that this wasn't healthy as she could see her ribs poking out when looking in the mirror. She made sure to eat some cheesecake for dessert before she took Alfie upstairs and lay in bed with him getting him settled for his nap. She decided to close her eyes for a little while, she woke up to Alfie crying for another feed (given that she kept all her clothes on during nap time, it was harder for Alfie to get himself to feed), he quickly settled against Morgana's chest so she put the ergo on around him, made the bed and headed over to the kids' bedroom. She first went to Amhar's wardrobe, putting all his summer clothes and those that wouldn't fit him next year into a plastic box for when Alfie would fit into them in the next couple years. For some reason they still had his outfit from the wedding in there, she put it aside for the 'wedding memory box' and made a mental note to do the same with hers and Merlin's wedding clothes too.
After that she began going through Alfie's clothes, she put aside the romper he came home from the hospital in, his first baby-grow and bodysuit along with his superman outfit to go in his memory box, putting the rest of the clothes into a separate box for a future baby. Morgana had known from a young age that she wanted three kids, having been one of three herself albeit with a smaller age gap. Amhar and Alfie had an age gap of twenty-two months and while hard, it was perfect. Even though she did have postpartum depression and it was bloody hard most of the time, Morgana knew that she wanted to start trying to conceive by the time Alfie was one again, provided that things were back to normal given that she was adamant that her postpartum depression and anxiety had come around as a result of the pandemic and lockdown. GP's were prescribing antidepressants left right and centre everyday, everyone was suffering as it was let alone new mothers during an already difficult time of their life. Boris had introduced support bubbles in England for people with babies under one, though with Wales the rules remained somewhat unclear, GovUK only covering England when the United Kingdom had in fact four countries—England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Morgana piled up the plastic boxes and took them into the hallway.
"Now how should mummy put the clothes in the roof or should we wait till daddy gets home? What should we do?" Morgana debated how to get the clothes up there without leaving Alfie, she wouldn't go up to the loft with him in the sling, so putting the baby swing near the loft entrance seemed like the most plausible idea. Though she could fall and hit the baby, or something might've fallen out and hit the baby ... it was simply too risky. She'd have to wait until Merlin came home.
"Mumma is all out of breath from all that running around" Morgana huffed as she sat on the floor in front of Alfie's swing. She hit it once more and it began swaying from side to side. "I know, let's take a bath together!" Morgana lifted up the swing and took it into the bathroom, rinsing the tub out and getting herself a towel, a towel for Alfie and setting out a clean outfit for Alfie on his changing table, her's on her bed. Morgana put the bath support in the tub, took Alfie's nappy off and binned it before joining her son in the tub. She added a few bubbles, Alfie happily giggled away as he kicked and splashed the water. He loved being on the water, baby swimming being one of Morgana's favourite parts of the week, seeing Alfie that happy made all the pain and sadness worth it for that little smile.
"I know, let's use big brother's toys" Morgana grinned as she took a few out of the toy caddy and handed them to Alfie, playing with him for a while before he got hungry so she fed him and then decided to take him out the bath. She wrapped her towel around herself and went through to Alfie's and Amhar's room, tickling Alfie and drying him off while he squealed in delight for quite a while before Morgana began to get cold so dressed herself after putting some clothes on the baby and herself—matching mummy and me jumpers, navy blue with white stripes and a red heart. . Morgana had just gone downstairs and checked her phone for the first time in a couple of hours—Mithian requesting FaceTime.
"Hi" Morgana greeted.
"Hey" Mithian smiled. "How's it going?".
"Been a rather good day" Morgana replied. "Alfie had his vaccines and is doing well, we did some tidying up and whatnot".
"The little madam is sleeping at last" Mithian chuckled. "Teething and she's pretty miserable".
"That's not something I look forward to" Morgana groaned. "Breastfeeding a newborn hurt, let alone a teething baby".
"She's just got her top teeth in" Mithian muttered. "Nipples hurt worse than in the early days".
"I can imagine" Morgana's sympathised. She lowered her phone to show Alfie to Mithian, at which he started crying unconsolably. "What's the matter, huh?" Morgana asked in her baby voice. Beforehand she would've quivered at the thought of having a baby with Merlin and using that voice when talking to him. Though as she looked into her son's eyes, it didn't matter. She tried rocking him and standing up as she spoke to Mithian, though nothing worked so she ended up feeding him again.
"I spoke too soon" Morgana scowled.
"You did" Mithian agreed.
"I feel like a cow".
"Why?" Mithian frowned. "Ohh, he doesn't settle unless he's being fed".
"Merlin and I had planned attachment parenting so all the natural stuff and whatnot, though him crying unless he has a tit in his mouth is annoying as hell".
"He's probably going through a growth spurt" Mithian shrugged.
"I hope so. He's still in 0-3 months clothing, so let's hope it's that. Alfie, please stop poking my face, I'm keeping you alive here".
"Anyway, I need help" Mithian said.
"What's up?" Morgana asked.
"What the hell did you get the kids for Christmas!" Mithian almost screeched. "I ain't got a clue what to get Athena, I did get this Peppa pig thing with a motorised track that goes round and round and make designs but that's three plus so it has to stay in storage for the next couple years".
"I'm checking my list" Morgana chuckled. "Okay, Alfie has a Thomas backpack for when he starts nursery, foot-muff for the pram, an adorable personalised gown with his name on it, a the Thomas Tank book collection and a massive Iggle Piggle".
"Amhar?" Mithian asked.
"He's getting...truck builders, bed sheets, Peter rabbit books, duggee costume and a kitchen. Oh, they're also getting a dinosaur rocker from Santa".
"Thank you" Mithian said as she jotted them down. "Are you doing stocking?".
"Yeah, we put in there a toothbrush and toothpaste each, pack of chocolate buttons, sleep spray thing and bubble bath".
"So basically go with useful stuff?" Mithian raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, more or less" Morgana shrugged.
"Thank you for the help!" Mithian exclaimed. "I love the matching jumpers".
Later that night, Morgana lay in bed with Alfie snuggled on her chest. For the first time in forever, things were finally getting better. She'd began to enjoy life and motherhood. After Amhar was in bed, it was time for the Im a celebrity get me out of here final. They'd had the celebrity cyclone much to Morgana's delight even though it was in Wales and it looked better than ever (though she did tend to say that every year).
"I want Giovanna Fletcher to win" Merlin announced.
"Why not Jordan?" Morgana pouted. "He's a sweetie!".
"Happy place" Merlin raised his eyebrows.
"He's grown so much as a person since he started there, it's sweet".
"You're a bit like Mama G as Shane says".
"Did you just compare me to Giovanna Fletcher?" Morgana scoffed and raised her eyebrows.
"Maybe" Merlin shrugged. "Right, let's see who it is".
"They always zoom in on who is it" Morgana shrugged. "Let's see ... please be Jordan".
"Welcome to the last episode of I'm a celebrity get me out of here 2020" Dec announced. "And the first ever ... Queen of the castle".
"Yes! I knew it!" Merlin squealed as he jumped off the sofa.
"Bloody hell Merlin" Morgana laughed. "Calm down. Aw poor Jordan".
"I knew she'd win".
"Poor Jordan" Morgana said again.
"Did you see her face" Merlin wheezed.
"Yeah dear, I did" Morgana said sarcastically. "It's like me when I got my memories back".
5th December 2020
Merlin and Morgana's had decided as per their (new) family traditions that they'd go to the garden centre on the first Saturday of December to choose out a Christmas tree. The year before they had an artificial tree, with Morgana suffering for extremely bad morning sickness there was simply no way that they'd have a fresh-smelling Christmas tree in the house so used Arthur and Gwen's old one. In their respective flats the years before, they had real trees even though they were tedious to clean up (though they did make sure to have only a 4ft one) the smell of the trees was simply too amazing to scrimp on. They bought one last year only for Morgana to end up in hospital and using the tiny four foot plastic one they found in the loft. Now that the border was finally open for "non-essential travel", they could go into Camelot and the garden centre to choose their tree, as well as take the boys to meet Santa. The air was cold, Morgana and Merlin shivering as they were hunched over the double pram and made their way into the garden centre, following signs to the tree area.
"What that?" Amhar asked.
"That's the Christmas tree" Merlin said. "What side should we go for?".
"Five to six foot" Morgana decided. "Taller than our old three foot trees in our apartment, though not too small".
"Okay, five foot it is" Merlin said as they walked along the five foot trees. They looked at quite a few of them before deciding on one and telling one of the workers—one of the teenagers that used to go to Camelot Grammar School, though he was in sixth form when Merlin and Morgana joined so they didn't talk much at that point, though he did stay for a short while as they talked about the children, how they'd gotten married and life during the pandemic. They'd have the tree wrapped up and taken to their car, being given a tag to take to the till so that they didn't have to walk around the garden centre at haste. Though they were making sure they didn't spend too much, looking around at plants outside before they headed in.
"Did you bring the rain cover?" Merlin asked as they put their masks on.
"No" Morgana said. "I guess, I realised my fears were somewhat irrational. That it wasn't really necessary, and that covid isn't well, that worrying".
"Oh. That's ... good" Merlin shrugged as they went to as they went to see Santa. They had to social distance from him and could take their masks off for the photo, though Amhar still rather liked the idea of him even though he wanted to give him a cuddle, babbling away to the lady on the till. They had to put the middle seat down to fit the tree in the car, Morgana awkwardly balancing the carrycot on her lap as they drove home given that it wouldn't fit in the boot.
As soon as they arrived home, Merlin began to clear up the corner while Morgana insisted on Amhar having some "quiet time", where he was quiet and somehow entertained himself for a few minutes. Alfie happily swung in his swing while Merlin and Morgana put the tree into the holder, they'd leave it to "set" for a while before they put the ornaments on. Merlin suggested they all had a family cuddle in bed, Amhar beamed at that and they went upstairs for almost an hour, both kids falling asleep.
"So" Merlin raised his eyebrows.
"So" Morgana replied.
"I see that we didn't give Alfie a bubble this time".
"Yeah. We didn't" Morgana shrugged.
"What changed?" Merlin asked.
"It is such a low risk in babies anyway. I think that and the fact that it was more for my protection than it was for his. The statistics are low, kid's don't get it badly. I've realised that while I am scared of fucking things up, that it was more for my anxiety than anything else".
"I think so too" Merlin agreed.
"That, and in order for me to get 'better' I need to be able to... let go I suppose. Accept that some things will happen and some things won't. It's like that Bobo doll experiment, that children will echo what they see from their parents or authority figures, and I don't want that for either Alfie nor Amhar".
"Exactly, I know we live in a world where there's a pandemic and all, but seeing kids wearing masks, remembering to wash their hands often is bloody terrifying and is such a change".
"Like how some of the kids said about how they may as well be back in primary school when they had to wash their hands before eating" Morgana chuckled. "It's not normal, but it's what we have to do and we have to live with it. I guess that the whole rain cover thing was definitely about my anxiety and now that I've been able to make the step I think ... I think I'm getting better. While obviously the anxiety won't go away, it's well, getting more manageable".
"I think so too" Merlin agreed with a smile. Morgana remained in bed to keep an eye on the kids while Merlin took the baubles and decorations down from the loft and put the kids clothes back up there alongside Alfie's memory box. Amhar woke up after an hour so after making the bed, the Emrys family went downstairs. Morgana connected her phone up to the Bluetooth speaker, beginning to play the Christmas playlist as they decorated the tree.
A/N: When planning/writing this chapter, I realised that I wouldn't be able to add the Christmas tree to the previous chapter so had intended this one as more of a filler ... i didn't expect it to be this long haha! Yes I came up with "Troll in the coal" at a stupid o'clock (aka 3am during lockdown). As usual reviews are always appreciated :)