Trigger warning - talk of suicide, abuse, rape

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Chapter 21 The Fear of Saying No

Regina had trouble focusing on her lectures after that disastrous meeting that ended up in her resignation. She remained stoic and professional, not letting her students even see a hint of how unhinged she really felt. She was still so anxious after what had happened and the conversation with Ruby that had followed after. Her hands were shaky, but only Ruby caught it and remained discreet. When class was finally over, she decided to meet Emma at the station. She thought about the way she had snapped at her yesterday and the cold shoulder she had given her this morning. She felt bad about the way she had been treating her. She thought about her conversation with Ruby. She did trust Emma and maybe they could talk this out and come to a compromise.

She parked the benz right beside the yellow bug outside of the station, hoping Emma was alone. Maybe she should have called first, but she was afraid of losing her nerve and going home and shutting down. She turned off the engine and took a moment to breathe. She thought about what she wanted to say. How she needed to be in control, and yes she asked Emma to make the decisions, but right now she felt she was still capable. She also wanted to apologize for being so short tempered yesterday. She got out of the car, her anxiety increasingly building and threatening to pull her under into the darkness. She mentally fought the urge to just let herself drown, so instead she held her head high, and walked into the station.

Regina froze in the doorway when she saw David sitting at his desk. Her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her chest out of sheer terror alone and she suddenly blanked out on why she came here in the first place. David had been a trigger since her stay at the loft and it was increasingly getting worse. She couldn't understand why out of everyone, she was terrified of him the most. Maybe it had to do with his connection to Mary Margaret?

"Regina?" he stood, his eyes and voice gentle, but concerned. Seeing how scared she was, he didn't approach her. She didn't even register Emma calling her name as she came out from her glass cubicle that surrounded her desk.

"Hey, Gina," Emma said softly, approaching her and gently cupping her face with her hands to try and snap her out of the panic attack she was having. She flinched at Emma's touch, but the other woman did not let her go. She held her face so that she was forced to make eye contact with only her. "Look at me, love. You're safe. David is not going to hurt you."

"Emma," she gasped, her gaze flickering over to David who just stood there watching helplessly. She was shaking so hard and her lungs felt like they couldn't suck in enough oxygen. And when had she dropped her briefcase?

"No, keep your gaze on me," Emma said firmly, but gently. "Just look at me and breathe."

"David… the art fair…" she started rambling. An overwhelming feeling of dread hit her as she remembered how angry he had been at her when she and Mary Margaret had been fighting. A memory of Leopold striking her in the face or worse flashed in her mind each time she did something to upset his daughter, and that same fear of being punished gripped its ugly sharp talons into her. "Oh god, I'm sorry… please don't…"

Emma looked at her in confusion, as did David. Was she afraid of David hurting her out of punishment for upsetting his fiance? Was his relationship with Mary Margaret the reason why she was so skittish around him?

"Regina, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not upset in any way and I'm actually the one who should be apologizing to you," David said carefully, being sure not to raise his voice or make any sudden movements towards her. Her eyes flickered over to him once more and this time Emma didn't redirect her gaze. She couldn't trust him, because every time she saw him, she saw Leopold doting on his daughter and making her suffer if that spoiled brat so much as shed a tear. "I'm sorry for snapping at you at the fair and for not being patient or aware of how unsafe you feel in my presence."

"You see, he's not a threat," Emma whispered. "He's not upset or angry at you. Baby, breathe…"

Regina focused on her breathing, her eyes going back to Emma's until her lungs no longer felt like they were going to burst. She took deep breaths, desperately trying to ground herself and clear her fear muddled brain. When she no longer felt like she was about to pass out from the lack of oxygen, Emma was gently pulling her into her arms, holding her close and trying to soothe her still trembling body. She felt so cold suddenly and allowed herself to melt into her girlfriend's warm embrace. She buried her face in Emma's neck, pressed a tiny kiss on warm skin. She felt Emma combing her fingers gently through her dark locks that had grown since they first met.

"Give us a moment," she heard Emma whisper, and then felt her own body tense up as David carefully slipped by them to exit through the door. "Ssh," Emma comforted her as David's steps disappeared down the hall.

They stood there in silence for a few long moments. Emma continued to comb her fingers through her hair and would place a kiss on top of her head every now and then. When her body had seemed to finally stop shaking and she wasn't so cold anymore, she slowly pulled away. Her gaze was averted to the floor out of embarrassment.

"Don't be ashamed for having a fearful reaction," Emma assured her, dipping her face to meet Regina's gaze.

"I don't know what came over me."

"You don't need to validate yourself, baby. Come on, sit down and I'll get you some water." Emma led her to her office and guided her to her chair. Regina sat down, nervously wringing her hands as Emma went and pulled out a water bottle from the mini fridge by the coffee machine. She brought it over to her and watched as Regina took a few small sips before setting it on the desk. Emma knelt before her, a hand gently squeezing her knee in a soothing gesture.

"How are you feeling?" Emma asked, her green eyes looking so worried and Regina felt sick for being the cause of that.

"I came here to talk to you and I just… I panicked when I realized David was here. I'm sorry for overreacting." Emma frowned and Regina shrunk back, thinking she had said the wrong thing. Emma must have noticed because she immediately softened her expression.

"You've done nothing wrong. You heard him, he's not angry at you. Don't apologize for being afraid."

"Ok," Regina said with a breath of relief.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Emma asked, her expression going from concerned to curious. She looked at the clock and realized Regina was usually in her office hours at this time. "Did you cancel your office hours?"

Regina nodded and then shyly averted her gaze as she realized she lost her nerve, thanks to her panic attack.

"What's wrong?" Emma reached out, placing her hand on her cheek and encouraging her to look at her. Regina took a breath, trying to summon up as much confidence as she could. She needed Emma to know how she felt. She couldn't keep dragging them to rock bottom, because she was afraid to open up.

"I wanted to talk about yesterday. I wanted to apologize for snapping and for shutting you out…"

"Regina…"

"Don't tell me to not apologize, Emma. What I said was the truth, but how I said it and the way I treated you was despicable and I'm truly sorry for making you feel for even a second that you're not doing your best, because you are. You're doing everything you could to get me through this and I know I'm not making it easy for you. I lashed out at you, because I was afraid. I shut down instead of talking to you."

Regina could see those green eyes staring to fill with tears. She placed her hand atop of Emma's where it was still caressing her cheek. She leaned in, capturing her lips with hers and feeling Emma's tears on her skin. She felt Emma's lower lip tremble and she pulled away to see Emma falling apart.

"Why are you afraid?" Emma asked, her voice heavy with the sob that had escaped her lips.

"Because…" She took a breath. This wasn't easy, but her talk with Ruby made her realize she couldn't let her fears tear them apart. "I lost control… You made a big decision without consulting me and that might mean I'm not mentally capable to make the decisions anymore. If thats how you feel, and I can't see it, then that means you were right to put me in a suicide watch. I don't feel in control of my recovery anymore."

"I don't want you to feel like I'm making these choices because you're not capable. I made the choice to admit you because I was afraid that you might do something to hurt yourself. It wasn't an act to take control of your recovery, it was a matter of making sure you were safe. You're falling deeper into your depression. You're shutting me out. You're more fearful now and flinch at my and even Henry's touch. You're not happy, and I can see it in your eyes. I'm not telling you what to do here, but Regina, Archie's therapy plan isn't working."

"What are you suggesting then?" Regina whispered, the tears silently streaming down her cheeks at the raw truth Emma had given her.

"You know what I want to try, but I can not force you to go to the retreat. You need to want to go. So instead, we'll double up on the sessions for now, you need to be more open with me and with Archie. I know it's hard, baby, but we really need you to fight this. And you need to tell us when you're feeling like…" She trailed off, taking a deep breath and fighting the sob as she admitted the words out loud. "I need you to tell someone when you reach a point where you feel like killing yourself."

Those words hung heavily between them and Regina's body racked with silent sobs at the sheer intensity of the raw and honest words that came from the person she loved.

"I can do that," she whispered, because she did not want to reach that point again where taking her life seemed like the only option for peace. She had too much to lose.

"Can I hold you?" Emma asked with hesitance in her tone. "It's ok to say no."

Regina didn't answer, instead, she pulled the blonde into her own arms and held on tight. Emma pressed tiny kisses over her hair, whispering reassurances that she wasn't alone. She then realized she didn't mention the fact that she quit her job. She knew Emma would never be upset for that. If it were Leopold, he would have gone into a blind rage. Emma had often questioned her if staying in the field was what she really wanted.

"I quit my job," she admitted, her words muffled into Emma's shoulder. Emma immediately pulled away in surprise.

"You did?"

Regina nodded, wiping the tears from her face and hoping her make up wasn't too much of a mess.

"They wanted to place me on medical leave for concerns over my mental health and in turn I questioned them on their failure to act when in the past I was showing signs of instability when I was married to Leopold. They basically admitted they knew, but didn't do anything because Leopold had a hand in it. So I quit. It was never a profession I had wanted and I want to figure out who I am and what I want to do."

"I'm so proud of you!" Emma beamed, her smile lighting up the entire room and chasing away the dark tension that had fallen over them. Her smile was like a breath of fresh air, and Regina couldn't help but smile with her. "If you're interested in sheriffing, say the word and you can be my apprentice and we could fight Storybrooke criminals together."

Regina scoffed at the absurdity of that.

"Do you really think I'd be interested in fighting crime."

"Well you're already sort of a badass," Emma shrugged, laughter escaping that smug smile.

Regina playfully rolled her eyes as Emma stood from her kneeling position and sat on the desk. Regina stood, stepping in between her legs and drawing her in for a kiss. When she pulled away, she looked into those previously teary green eyes. She saw nothing but love, pride and even concern reflecting back at her.

"I'm ok," she whispered, answering the unspoken question lingering between them. "Or at least I'm trying to be."

That evening was spent with a delicious lasagna dinner that Regina insisted on making. She even let Emma help, and taught her some of her secrets and made her swear to never tell Granny even if her life depended on it. The mood between them shifted and they were one again in sync. Henry must have noticed the change in both of his mothers, because he insisted they have a game night. It took a little convincing on Regina's part since it was a school night, but Henry promised he'd go to bed on time with no complaints and no sneaking to read his comics under the covers.

They were in their last round of uno when Emma's cell started ringing. She slipped it from her pocket and realized it was Dr. Blaze. She knew both Regina and Henry were looking at her and so she kept her face as stoic as possible.

"I need to take this, I'm sorry. Finish the game without me and then off to bed, kid."

"Ok," Henry groaned, knowing better than to argue or in the future he won't be as lucky to get a game night in the middle of the week. She got up from her spot on the floor from where they were gathered around the coffee table. She went outside to the back porch to prevent anyone from overhearing her call.

"Emma Swan," she answered, taking a seat on the porch and wishing she had the thought to grab her jacket.

"Ms. Swan, I'm Dr. Malory Blaze. I understand you're interested in your girlfriend, Regina Mills to join my recovery retreat."

"Yes, I am. Dr. Hopper recommended we try your services."

"Dr. Hopper is a dear friend of mine and a colleague whose opinion I respect dearly. As you know I have a very long waiting list, if Dr. Hopper recommends a patient which he rarely does on such short notice, I am willing to offer Regina a spot. He also forwarded her file to me and I must say, Ms. Swan, she is the kind of patient who will benefit more from my program than from a general psychologist."

"Dr. Hopper said something along the same lines," Emma sighed. "Although, we seem to have a problem."

"A problem?"

"She doesn't want to go. She's afraid."

There was a moment of silence as if the older woman was thinking of the best way to approach this. Emma could practically feel the wheels turning in her brilliant mind.

"In order for this program to work, we can not force her. She has to want it."

"So that's it?" Emma's voice cracked, because she knew there was no convincing the stubborn woman who was currently inside laughing and playing with their son. Who knows until that short lived happiness lasts and she starts falling into another depressive episode.

"No, I will make an exception for her. I will wait until she's ready. I heard about her case with the mayor, and she isn't a patient I can turn my back on. There is going to be a very low point and once she hits it, she will realize she is going to need my help. Give me a call when she is ready."

"I will," Emma whispered, her tears from earlier in the station coming back and silently streaming down her cheeks. "Thank you." She hung up and slipped her phone back in her pocket just as the back door opened and Regina stepped out. Emma immediately wiped her tears and looked up to see her girlfriend with a blanket and a bottle of wine along with two glasses.

"I got Henry to bed," she explained as she sat beside her and wrapped the blanket around both of them. "I figured we could celebrate quitting my job." She poured them each a glass and set the bottle off to the side. "Are you ok?" she asked, noticing her wet tear stricken eyes.

"Yeah, the wind was just irritating me."

Regina gave her a look.

"I was just thinking about you," she confessed and Regina's expression softened to guilt. "I just want you to be happy. I want you to be able to live your life and figure out who you are. I want you to be at peace with yourself. You deserve so much after everything you went through. And don't look at me like that, love. Don't look guilty. You're not a burden in any way."

"I feel like I am sometimes," she confessed with a sip of wine. "I know it hasn't been easy."

"You know I won't give up on you, right?" she asked, setting down her glass and taking Regina's face in both hands. "Even if you hit rock bottom, I won't let you drown. I could never let you drown, Gina."

Regina kissed her, her hands coming up to cup Emma's face as they deepened the kiss, all the tension from the past few days finally washing over them and then calming like an ocean after the storm. Emma knew with a broken heart, that this might not last. Regina's moods were up and down. Some days she was closed off and moody and others she was the girl she had fallen in love with. Emma pulled her closer into her until Regina was straddling her lap, deepening their kiss until their lungs felt like they might burst. They pulled away and Regina leaned her forehead on hers and kissed her nose.

Emma looked into dark smokey eyes, the intensity of her gaze made something inside her flare up. She shifted uncomfortably, feeling the pressure of Regina's knee between her legs. It's been so long since they've done anything. Regina hasn't been in the right headspace to even consider having sex. The beautiful brunette started kissing her neck, sucking and nibbling on all the right spots. Emma tried her best to be quiet, not wanting to alert Henry or the neighbors what they were getting up to on the back porch. She grinded against Regina's thigh, trying to get as much friction as she could, until Regina pulled away and she almost cried out in frustration.

"Upstairs, my love," Regina whispered in her ear.

They wasted no time rushing inside, depositing the wine bottle and glasses in the kitchen and then heading upstairs to the bedroom. Regina could barely keep her hands off her, and maybe Emma would have thought it was a little strange that Regina was insistent on taking the lead, but right now all that matter was getting that release. Her muddled brain missed the red flags completely. Regina attacked her neck with kisses, guiding her down on the bed and straddling her. She had Emma naked beneath her in seconds where she herself was still dressed in her bra and panties. She guided Emma's hands away when she attempted to remove them or even touch her. She seemed to avoid any kisses that weren't meant for her lips.

Regina had a hunger in her eyes, a fierce determination to pleasure her beautiful girlfriend beneath her, but was also detached in receiving the pleasure for herself. Emma should have caught it the moment Regina first evaded her wandering hands, but Regina took her so fast with a hand between her legs, and her mouth deliciously latched on her nipple, that she completely missed the bigger picture.

Emma came so hard, stars flashed in her eyes and she cried out from the sensitivity as Regina helped her ride out her orgasm. When she couldn't take anymore, Regina curled up beside her, kissing her neck and face until she came back to earth.

When Emma finally felt sated and her strength returned, she kissed her girlfriend on the lips, pulling her close to her body. She didn't straddle her, knowing how it could sometimes be a trigger to have Emma's weight on top of her. She slipped a thigh between her legs, encouraging her to grind on her, but Regina didn't move. In fact, she was tense and wasn't even responding to her kisses. Emma immediately removed her thigh, finally hyper aware that something was very wrong here. She broke the kiss and looked at the detached eyes that were not making eye contact.

"Regina?"

What the hell just happened? What did she do?

And then it suddenly hit her, the warning signs of Regina evading her touch and distracting her hands hit her like a tidal wave that made her want to vomit from the sickening motion of the waves. Regina didn't want to be touched, she didn't want to have sex tonight. She only wanted to give Emma pleasure and was ready to call it a night until Emma had started touching her and pulling her close.

"Baby, look at me," Emma's voice shook with dread at what she had almost done. Brown eyes slowly looked up at her and she swallowed hard at the fear in her eyes. "Do you want to have sex?"

"Yes, love," she whispered, although her body language was anything but consenting. Emma frowned at that. She sat up and wrapped the sheet around her naked body, suddenly feeling so exposed. Regina rolled onto her back, as if offering herself. She closed her eyes almost as if she were bracing herself.

"Regina," her voice was stern, probably the harshest she has ever spoken to her since their days of being enemies. "Look at me, please. Do… You … Want… This…," she enunciated each word, wanting a clear answer.

She didn't answer, her body started shaking as she curled up on her side and buried her face into the pillow. "No," she whispered, fearfully. She couldn't look at her and Emma suddenly couldn't breathe. Regina was afraid to tell her no and was just going to let her… What if she didn't realize something was wrong and she went ahead and…

Everything in her was telling her to flee. To jump up from that bad, get some clothes on, and leave the suffocating walls of the bedroom. She craved a drink, something strong to numb the disgusting feeling that had washed over her at the knowledge that Regina was about to let her have sex with her when she didn't want it.

What kept her from doing just that, was the shaking terrified woman curled up as if she were expecting punishment for saying no. Her expression softened, trying not to let her emotions get the best of her when Regina needed her reassurance.

"Love…" she whispered, wanting to reach out and touch her, but was too afraid it might trigger something. "Please look at me," she encouraged for a final time. Regina slowly looked up at her as if she were expecting to be yelled at. "Were you just going to let me take you without consent?" she asked, the words leaving a putrid taste on her tongue.

"I wasn't sure if you'd be upset if I said no," she confessed. "I never had the option when I was with Leopold."

"Regina," she said her name as if trying to remind the brunette exactly who she was and who she would never be. She would have never thought her girlfriend would be afraid to tell her no when it came to sex. Although, now that she thought about it, sometimes Regina was afraid to say no when Emma asked if she could hold her. Saying no was what got her in trouble with Leopold, and of course saying no was a major trigger because she had probably faced the worst of his punishments just from uttering that one little word. "Consent is consent whether we're in a relationship or not. I have no right to your body, just like Leopold had no right to force you into having sex with him. That is rape. I could never be angry at you for saying no. We've talked about this, love. Don't ever be afraid of saying no, especially when it involves sex."

"Sometimes it's hard to remember that," she said shakily, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard. She brought her knees to her chest, as if trying to shrink further into herself. "Saying no resulted in punishment and him reminding me exactly who I belonged to." Her voice sounded so detached, as if she couldn't allow herself to feel anything.

"You're not obligated to have sex with with me," Emma whispered, still kneeling before her and wrapped in the sheet. "Did you even want to give me pleasure?"

That question seemed to snap Regina out of her unemotional void, and a warmness washed over her face. Her eyes held so much love for the woman before her. "Yes, Emma," she whispered. "I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to show you how much I love you."

"But you didn't want to be pleasured?"

Regina shook her head as if she were ashamed. "I just wanted you to hold me."

"There's nothing wrong with that," she assured her. "I want you to feel safe with me enough to know you can say no. I don't ever want you to simply let me have sex with you because you're afraid of the repercussion saying no brings. Leopold might have conditioned you into believing your body belonged to him; it never did. You don't belong to anyone, not even me."

"Can I hold you, now?" Emma asked after a moment's silence with Regina carefully regarding her words. "Say no if you don't want to, I won't be hurt or upset."

Regina nodded and Emma slipped under the covers, and gently pulled Regina into her arms. The brunette buried her face into her chest. She was so quiet, a complete difference than what she was this evening when she had been laughing and playing with their son or from the sultry compassionate woman she had been when she was sitting on her lap on the back porch under the stars and kissing her lips raw.

"I'm sorry if I scared you or if I spoke to you too harshly. I just need you to understand the seriousness of what just almost happened."

"I understand," Regina whispered. She was shaking still and Emma held her tighter in order to calm her. "I shouldn't have let my fear get the best of me. This won't happen again."

"And it hasn't happened before, has it?" she asked, hesitantly. If she had sex with Regina in the past, and she didn't want it but let her anyway, Emma would never be able to forgive herself for not noticing something was wrong.

"No!" Regina was quick to assure her, leaning back to look at her with panicked eyes. "This is the first time! I promise, Emma. I don't know what came over me. It's like I froze and I couldn't speak up."

"I can't be the one that hurts you, Regina. Not like this. You have to be honest with me when it comes to intimacy."

"Always," she promised. Emma placed her hand on her cheek, her thumb caressing her bottom lip before gently leaning in and kissing her. When they pulled away, Regina laid her head on Emma's shoulder, pressing a tiny kiss to warm skin.

They lied there in silence until Regina's breaths evened out, and her body relaxed against Emma. When Emma realized Regina had fallen asleep, she gently slid out from under her so her head rested on her pillow instead. She made sure she was covered up and comfortable, before slipping off of the bed. She got dressed in the dark and quietly left the room. She needed some air. She needed a drink actually.

Emma couldn't get over what had happened. Was Regina really going to let her have sex with her regardless if she wanted it or not?

Yes! She would have, a voice echoed deep down inside, because with brutal realisation, she knew this was Regina's life for a really long time where saying no was never an option. She had the urge to call the sick son of a bitch and give him a peace of her mind. The thought of that sick old pervert being Regina's first experience made her sick to the stomach. The thought of him putting his meaty hands on her, forcing her to spread her legs for him whenever he felt like it, and beating her if she said no made her want to kill him. This wasn't the first time she has thought about ending that bastard's life herself.

She went into Regina's study where they kept the cider the brunette had made from the apples of her old home. She briefly remembered Regina getting frustrated the other day when she was making a new batch with store bought apples. She claimed they tasted different, but she'd rather use store bought apples than go back to the mansion. Maybe they could find some way to uproot the tree and bring it to their yard, or Emma could go pick some instead.

She grabbed one of the newer bottles, not daring to touch the last bottle made from Regina's beloved apple tree and poured herself a glass. She went out to the back porch again, with glass and bottle in hand, and sat in her previous spot just hours ago.

She needed to blow off some steam. How? She had no idea. So she sat there and drank instead. She drank until she couldn't see straight. She drank until she no longer felt disgusting in her own skin for almost raping her girlfriend by accident. She couldn't get those dark fearful detached eyes out of her head. Was that the way she looked at him when he was above her. Did she offer herself to him the way she did for Emma, because saying no would just be a worse alternative. How did Regina last so long with him? Emma was definitely witnessing the repercussions of surviving a long abusive marriage. Regina was detached, depressed, and so fearful she couldn't even say no.

She thought about Dr. Blaze's retreat, a dark part of her just wanting to force Regina to go out of desperation, but then the psychologist's words echoed in her head.

There is going to be a very low point and once she hits it, she will realize she is going to need my help.

If this wasn't Regina's lowest point, then Emma was sure she wasn't to survive it when it hits.

I know this chapter was pretty dark, but Regina lived so long under Leopold where saying no got her in big trouble. I imagine she can't just overcome that trigger just because she's free of him. Even if she loves Emma and trusts her, there is still the possibility of that fear of saying no rearing its ugly head in the worse possible time. If Emma seemed too harsh, she was just freaking out because she could have raped her girlfriend if she hadn't realized something was wrong. She's now realizing Regina needs more help than she thought. A small part of her wants to force her into going to the retreat out of desperation to get her better, even if she knows Regina won't benefit from it unless she decides to get that help herself.

Thank you so much for reading and for all the awesome reviews!