I have a lot of feeling about 17x09 lol a lot. and idk how to process them. but yep it was... triggering in so many ways. BUT it was so beautiful and i could talk about it forever (after two days of processing it obviously). (i wasn't going to mention how annoyed I am that Owen just casually outs Teddy to Amelia sorry that aggravates me so much because it literally took her decades to even say that out loud that she was in love with a woman and he just casually tells amelia... like... pls **eyeroll** ugh.. okay it's not really about that but it is. anyways. i just had to share my two cents/the only thing that really bothered me.)
Anyways I hope you like this one lol
Unsteady - X Ambassadors
It was awful. The feeling she feels deep inside was awful. She has no recollection of how long she was out, apparently long enough that she's in bed and hooked up to an IV. She doesn't remember much. It was terrifying. She couldn't move. She couldn't scream. It was like being held hostage by her own brain. Then her brain takes her elsewhere, deep in her psyche. Deep, deep in her psyche. It was a guided tour of her insecurities and fears and… sorrow. And she wanted it to stop. She wanted to wake up. She wanted to scream and move. At times, reality vividly pulled her back but not enough to come out of it. She heared Owen's voice. It was very distant. She couldn't quite make out what he's saying because her brain keeps pulling her somewhere dark. It was scary. It was a very prolonged nightmarish sleep paralysis. Her demons were out taunting her and she just wants to break free.
Eventually she woke up and she's… tired. And raw. She feels…raw and confused. She feels like she is going through every feeling, every emotion. She looks at her hand, carefully removing the IV. The room was still and silent, but she hears distant voices in the house. Owen's… and Amelia? Flashes from her nightmare come back. "How could you not love Amelia?" … Of course Amelia would be here for him. She tries not to think too much of it. She's exhausted thinking too much about Owen. Or Amelia. But Amelia is in their house so she hides in the room a little longer. She looks around and finds the toast and jam on her bedside. She's ravenous. Like she just worked out for hours. It was exhausting, whatever she just went through.
She really has no appetite but she felt… empty. She picks up the toast and she nibbles on it while she makes sense of what happened. The crazy longest nightmare. She doesn't remember much, but it slowly comes back to her. There was Allison and DeLuca and Tom and….Germany. Germany. It was nightmarish, to think about Germany.
It was terrifying to see all her fears play out. And she feels horrible to not have any control of her spiraling thoughts. She feels terrified of how aware she is all of a sudden of all the pain lurking in her psyche. Pain she never allowed herself to feel.
And now she feels exposed. Exposed and exhausted and was simply just wasting away for god knows how long.
And now she's burdened people—people who already hate her in the first place.
So she sits in bed, basking in the pain and hurt her nightmares have unleashed. The pain of losing her parents. Allison. Henry. These are people who mattered to her. People who showed her love and made her feel loved. She's feeling it all at once. And it hurts. And she wishes it would just stop. She wishes it would just end. She wishes she could just erase herself from….everything.
How long was she out. How long was so gone.
How long has Amelia been in their house.
Is her dreams actually reality. Amelia comes before her. Always.
She listens to the voices closely though she could not make them out, wrapping her robe around her tightly, curling back into bed.
The voices quiet down and eventually she hears a quiet little "mama" followed by a whimper in the other room. Allison. Her sweet baby. She uses the minimal energy she had to scurry to her. She hears the voices from the living room. It sounded like Amelia was leaving. She takes Allison back to her bedroom and holds her close. Comforting her crying daughter. "Mama"
"I'm here. I'm here."
Suddenly she doesn't feel the need to erase herself from any narrative. She's here. She's here for her daughter. For Leo. She's there for their kids.
She looks up and sees Owen stand by the door. She notices the relief in his face.
"I'm here" She whispers to her daughter, or to him, she doesn't even know.
She feels relieved all of a sudden that she can free herself from her body. The inexplicable feeling of being trapped was suddenly gone.
She looks away from him so she doesn't feel the pain and the embarrassment. She looks down at their daughter and soothes her cries.
She can't look at him because she will cry. And because she's too vulnerable. And she thinks that he doesn't care and that he's done with her and that he's angry. And it hurts to look at him because she doesn't know what's real anymore.
She doesn't recall when this started, but all she knows is that whoever and however she was found, it became Owen's problem. And she doesn't ever want to be anyone's problem. Especially not someone who hates her.
She thinks about her past. She makes an inventory of her past that came back to her.
She remembers when her mom passed away. She remember what Allison said. She would want the stuff that reminds her that she was loved. She takes inventory of what those stuff could have been now. What reminds her that she's loved.
She clings tightly to her daughter. Their daughter loves her. She is loved. She is loved and needed by this tiny human in her arms. So to hell with anyone else. She's exhausted from trying too hard to be enough for Owen. She thinks it didn't have to take her to breakdown to be noticed by him. She's exhausted from trying too hard. From thinking too much. From trying to get him to listen. But she loves Owen and she hurt him so she's just going to back off and let him heal however he wants to heal.
But she's here. She's standing. She's not here for Owen. She's here for Allison. For Leo. That's enough for now.
Those are enough reminders that she's loved.
And she's relieved that she's awake. Free from her broken mind.
Right now, she just need the reminder. Right now, she needed the human connection.
Tomorrow, she'll do the work.
"Hey" He finally says after standing there for what seemed like eternity.
"Hey" She answers softly.
"Are you.. uh.. uhm..."
She gets it. She wouldn't know what to say either.
"How long was I out?"
"Uh.. about a day…"
"… oh"
"Are you .. okay?"
Her eyes pools with tears, because no, she's not. Obviously not. "No…. I guess not"
He smiles sadly. "Guess not."
She holds Allison tighter. Swaying side to side to soothe her. Breathing her baby smell in.
"Amelia was here?" She asks. She was just curious, but her voice breaking because she's still… insecure about so many things. Insecure about Amelia, always.
"Yeah .. uh.. She brought in some fluids. Helped me build Leo's bed."
She just nods. Because she can never amount to Amelia. How could anyone not turn to Amelia. How could anyone not love Amelia.
She thinks about the number of emails she's received from Owen about Amelia. Calls and texts messages about how unhappy he was with her. About how they betray each other. But Owen still managed to forgive Amelia. Enough to still be there for each other. She feels some jealousy that Amelia and Owen have become each other's person and she's just... there wilting away. Owen is farther and farther from her. She doesn't know what to think anymore. Or what to believe anymore or how to feel.
But she's afraid. And she's exhausted.
"Are you hungry"
"I ate the toast. Thank you." She says, swallowing hard. "Thank you for .. taking me home. And taking care of me."
"Yeah, of course."
She notices his grip on the door knob. He's staying as far away as possible as if she's feral. "I.. I think I'm okay now.. If you want to go back to the hotel. You can take her if you want…. Or I can take her back to your mom's tomorrow. I don't want to keep you—I'm fine… I'll be okay"
She knows that they both know that she's not fine. But she doesn't want to keep anyone who doesn't want to be in the same room as her.
"No. No. I'll .. uh.. stay."
She knows her tears are falling on her face. She can't help that. Allison reaches for her face and her little paws wiping the moisture off. She wants him to stay but at the same time she doesn't. She knows he's only staying because what if something happens and Allison is here alone with her.
She doesn't know what to say to him. She doesn't know because she doesn't know if she's ready for whatever she'll hear from him. He's beaten her down with his words and she doesn't know if she can take any more right now. So she just stays quiet.
She sits on the bed with Allison, and Owen stays by the door just watching. She can feel him wanting to say something but he just stares.
"You're going to stay…there? Standing by the door?" She says, offering a small smile. Maybe he'll think she's not as crazy as she seems. "You can come in. I don't bite."
"That's not why—"
"Or you can do something else. I don't care…."
He walks in and sits on the bed with them. Allison finally lets go of her and sprawls between her parents, crawling towards Owen, wrapping her little fingers on Owen's hand.
She plays with her daughter's little toes. She's growing too fast and she feels guilty for missing out on her milestones. Her growing years. She feels guilty bringing her into this world when she can't protect her. She can't protect her from pandemics and tragedies. Her baby makes the world a much better place but bad things happen. Life is unfair and bad things happen to good people too. And she doesn't ever want her to grow up in that kind of ugly world.
The thing about what she just experienced is it just opened all the wounds that never healed properly. Her mind goes to places that she doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to think about the negative things that could happen. There is so much pain that she's not going to be able to shield her daughter from. She can't breathe at the thought. She already fucked her up by ruining their family. She could have had two parents together who loved each other. But.. now.. who knows. Their daughter has a dad who hates her mom. She has a mom who's probably crazy, like commit-to-a-psych-ward crazy. She has parents who were too busy saving other people during a plague to watch her grow up. To watch her take her first steps. To hear her first words.
Her beautiful baby. Ten little toes. Ten little fingers.
Oh, sweet girl, you were not named after a lie. You were named after a beautiful person who loved your mom so much. Someone who took care of your mom.
Teddy was lost in her thoughts. Not in a catatonic way, she's acutely aware of that once she started zoning out. She blinked and moved her limbs to make sure. She's forever going to live in fear of what happens now. Will it happen again.
"What happened? To me?" Teddy asks Owen, breaking the silence filling the room.
"I saw you in the parking lot. And you were just.. sitting there"
"Oh"
"Has this happened before? I mean… in the past?"
She shakes her head.
"What was it like? What happens?"
Teddy sighs and absentmindedly plays with Allison's toes.
"It was weird. Like, I'm not aware of my surroundings but also kind of aware. And I just felt trapped and suffocated and then you just kind of give in and then it was just a very long nightmare."
"Do you remember the dreams?"
"No" She lied. She lied because she's not ready to get into it. "No. It's…. vague."
"Oh."
"But I hear voices. I heard you. I heard you bring Allison in. I tried to reach out for her. For you. But I couldn't move. And then I saw you bring the toast. I could smell it. But.. I was just paralyzed. And then I heard Amelia, but then I wasn't sure if that was reality or part of a dream…"
"Are you feeling okay though? Headaches? Nausea?"
"No. No. I'm okay"
"I was worried. I didn't really know what to do."
Her chest constricts because she wants to hear it. She believes it. He was worried about her. Who wouldn't be. Maybe he doesn't hate her as much as she thought. If he did, he probably would just walk away.
"Thank you for taking me home."
Allison rolls over and crawls back closer to her. Almost like she can feel an extension of her pain and anxiety. She wraps her arms around her daughter and pulls her close.
"If you're still hungry I can maybe order some food? Make you something to eat?"
She shakes her head in response. It was nice. It was sweet that he cares. Okay, maybe he doesn't really hate her. Maybe he just needs time. That's okay too.
"Owen?"
"Yeah?"
"It was scary."
She was never good at talking. She was never good about opening up and sharing how she feels. She internalizes that feeling, deep deep down in her. She spent years, decades, in love with Owen and she couldn't muster the energy to speak up and say something. It's easier to say 'You have Beth' than risking losing her best friend, but if she really wanted to share how she felt she really should have.
She should have told him when they first met that Allison wasn't just her friend. There were plenty of moments where that information could have been brought up. He knew enough about Allison. But she couldn't because she doesn't want to relive the pain of remembering Allison. Remembering the tragedy. Remembering…loss.
"Yeah?"
"It was like…and on-going nightmare. Of me just running from one place to another. Seeing one ghost to another. It was exhausting. And I— I need help. And I need people. And I know you hate me right now and you don't want anything to do with me, but I need people. And you are it. You are my best friend, Owen. You are my person and I have no one. And I know what I did to you was unforgivable. And I'm not asking you to take me back or— I just need someone because I can't do this alone. I can't live like this. And I'm exhausted. I am scared. I'm scared of feeling that way and I have nowhere to go and no one to run to and I'm afraid of what I'm capable of doing to myself. So I'm reaching out because I want to get better. And this is the worst I've ever felt. This was worse than any pain of losing everyone I've loved combined. And I don't want our kids to grow up with parents who hate each other. And I know that's my fault. I'm owning that. But please give me your friendship at least. Because I have no one. And that hurts. And that's my fault too I suppose…But please.. don't let go."
She realizes that tears are streaming down and she's choking on sobs. He leans against the headboard and against her. Their daughter falling asleep between them.
"I'm here" He wraps an arm around her and lets her cry in his arms.
His warm hand on her back, soothing her.
She's going to be taking every lifeline because it's for their kids.
"I'm here." He whispers in her hair. Leaving a small kiss. "I'm here"