Chapter 24: All a Blur

Lielle McCarthy

It's as though they are three sections that separate my life. Before, In Between, and After.

Before is before all this happened. When I had three siblings. When the four of us would spend every Saturday playing out in the grass behind our house. When my dad was always smiling and we would all help my mom make cookies on Sundays.

And then Graham got Reaped. William and Aria were distraught but I wasn't. I knew he would come back home. I had faith. I believed that he would come back with every ounce of my being. He was my big brother. He wouldn't leave me. He was going to come home and we would have a nice big house and we would all still be a happy family.

In Between started when I watched him die. Mom broke down completely and Dad could barely keep our family together. William's eyes got purple circles under them and Aria went from bubbly to withdrawn in an instant. I started sneaking bits of my food to Aria's plate when she wasn't looking, just to keep her from wasting away. William stopped playing with us on the weekend. He was too busy helping Dad keep our family going. But it still wasn't enough. He still had to take tesserae.

That terrified me more then anything. Tesserae meant more chances of him being in the Games. More chances of him dying. More chances that our family would be shattered yet again. He told me not to worry. He told me that a lot of other kids took much more tesserae than he did. He told me that everything would be alright. He promised that he wouldn't leave me and Aria alone. Not after Graham.

And I had believed him. I didn't think that one person would have to lose two of their siblings. Surely life couldn't be that cruel.

For a couple of years, everything was fine. William never got Reaped and we all slowly recovered from the shock of seeing Graham murdered on live television. There were still days when me and Aria cried ourselves to sleep, when William would pick at his dinner, when my mom's eyes were darkened by grief. But we were okay. We had good days too. When William would take me and Aria to play, when my parents would treat us to candy from the Donner's Sweetshop or new clothes for school.

This year was my first year at the Reaping. I remember the only feeling I had was relief that Aria wasn't eligible yet. The horror I felt at the chance of all three of us being in the Arena at the same time was too much to bear. I knew Aria and William couldn't ever be elligible at the same time, meaning I would never have to lose both of them. Other than that relief though, all I felt was a numb sort of terror. William told me that the chances that both of us would be Reaped were one in a million. So small I wouldn't even have to worry about it. After all, I had never taken tesserae. As for William, he had gotten this far, hadn't he?

The relief I felt when I wasn't Reaped made shame fill me up inside. I knew the two girls who had been Reaped. Leila Davis was in my class at school. We weren't too close but we ran in the same circle of friends. She was the best kid in our class. Always laughing and smiling. Crazy smart too. I wanted to visit her at the Justice Building but I knew I couldn't do it. How could I when I hadn't volunteered to take her place?

The second girl to be Reaped was Maysilee Donner. I had never met her but I had heard plenty from my brother. It was no secret in our family that William was head-over-heels in love with her. I could see why too. William told me how sweet she was, how she always defended her friends, how she was always trying to help out other people. He told me how she had won a running competition at school and I remember thinking that maybe she could win by out running all the competition.

The first boy to be Reaped was a boy from the Seam who I only remembered from his dad's funeral. I remember thinking at first that he looked pretty indifferent for someone who just got called to his death. Then two people had run up to him and I saw his face crumble for just a moment. I recognized the younger boy who clung to him. Hayden Abernathy. He had defended me from bullies the year Graham had died. I felt bad that he would probably have to watch his older brother die on live television. Just like I had.

Then William was Reaped and my whole world crumpled again.

Me and Aria had sat for six days with our eyes glued to our television's screen, as if our pure will would keep our last brother alive. Mom was lost in waves of grief, not wanting to get her hopes up. Dad worked as much as possible, to provide for us and to avoid seeing his son in the Games.

I watched him go through the Games the same way he had got through life before them, with kindness. He was always the nicest person I knew. He protected Leila and cradled her when she died. He tried to save Miller even when it meant Ana would try and kill him. I watched him struggle with nightmares each and every night, the same way he did at home. I watched him kiss Maysilee Donner and comfort her over the deaths of their allies.

When the mountain turned into a volcano, I thought it was the end. The wound in his leg was so bad I couldn't think of a way he could get out.

But he did. And Maysilee got out too. I thought maybe everything would be okay.

Then he died. Gasping and choking and lifeless.

Mom and Dad had both been watching the Games with us. Mom had sunk to the floor, sobbing. Aria had screamed a scream of pure agony I thought she would die of grief on the spot. They both turned to my Dad, who embraced them while staring at the screen where William lay with blank eyes. As for me, I was numb. The world seemed to be shattering in front of me and all I could do was stare at my brother's lifeless eyes.

I noticed the bracelet of rope on his hand and hated myself for not giving him something to bring to the Arena. Maybe then he would have come home. I only broke out of my daze when Maysilee Donner removed the bracelet from his hand and kissed it as though she was trying to find him inside the piece of rope.

Me and Aria had cried all night. She only fell asleep after the sun had come up. I was still awake, staring out the window even as the rays burned my eyes.

In Between was over. I guess After starts now.

Maysilee Donner

I wake up with William's name on my lips and feeling more empty than I even knew it as possible to feel.

A part of me died as I watched William struggle to take his last breath. I want to give up so badly. It would be so easy to give up. Easier than living like this. I feel hollow inside. Like someone scooped out my will to live.

But I have to win. For my sister. For my parents and Iris.

And for William too.

I press my lips to the rope tied on my wrist but of course, nothing of it reminds me of the boy I lost. The sun is rising in the Arena and I hate it. How can the sun rise when William is dead? It isn't fair.

None of this is fair.

I grab William's pack—no, he's gone, it's mine now—and jump down from the tree I spent the night in. I don't even know where in the Arena I'm going to go next. It's all just mindless moving. I don't care anymore.

William is dead. He's dead and there was nothing I could do and he must have been so scared. His family must be ruined. They must hate me. Would they hate me?

I hate me. I couldn't save him. I wish he was here. He could help me.

But he wouldn't need to help me if he hadn't died.

I sink to the floor, my head in my hands. I don't want the Capitol to see me cry. Again.

More than anything, all I want is for Maylene to be with me. My other half. My twin. My best friend. I need her with me. We've lived our whole lives together. We shouldn't die apart. How is she doing? Are she and Iris taking care of each other? They promised they would take care of each other? Did they? Did I tell them to? I think I did. I hope I did.

What about Iris? What about my parents? Are they doing okay? Will they be okay after I die? How could the Capitol be so cruel? Separating us from our loved ones. I hate them for killing William. I hate them for killing a part of me. I hate them for making us suffer. They've destroyed every single person living in the Districts.

It's so unfair.

That's when it hits me. They don't own me. They can't make me suffer. They're trying to break me. And I'm letting them.

I force myself back to my feet, shouldering my pack once again. I glance at the rope on my wrist and the mockingjay pin on my shirt.

I'm fighting for my family and for my lost love who left me far too soon. I'm grieving and I've been torn apart. But I'm not broken.

Not yet anyway.

I still don't know where I'm going. I don't even know where in the Arena I am. I wasn't paying attention to my location yesterday after William died. I decide I'll just walk until I find someone. I'll figure out what to do when I get there.

For now, I just have to keep moving. Before my new found determination abandons me.

Every step I take now is one step closer to home.

Serena Astrophel

I absentmindedly stroke Hayden's hair while watching Haymitch on the screen.

He looks deep in thought as he walks and a part of me wonders if he's thinking about me.

The screen switches to show Maysilee Donner on the screen, wandering around aimlessly. Her eyes look dull and she seems to move without care as to where she is going or whether she'll be found. She reminds me of the way Haymitch gets on the anniversary of his father's death. Or how I get whenever I think too much about my parents.

She was in love with William McCarthy. His death has ruined her. I cross my fingers, hoping I won't have to experience that. As much as I hate people dying for no reason, I know every kid in that Arena will have to die for Haymitch to come home. Even though it makes me feel like a terrible person, I want them all to die. Because I can't lose Haymitch. I wish they could all come home but they can't. And since only one person can win, I want Haymitch back.

I need him.

I think of the way he'd portrayed himself on camera. I don't like it. He seems so arrogant and rude. But another part of me is glad that the Capitol won't see the true Haymitch. They don't deserve him.

They don't deserve the boy who took over as head of his family when he was just a child himself. They don't deserve the boy who wouldn't eat for days so his brother wouldn't sleep hungry. They don't deserve the boy who held me after my parents died and told me that I would always have a family with him.

The Capitol deserves none of it.

Hayden shifts in my lap. I've spent most of my time at the Abernathy house. Mostly because I hope that me helping to take care of his family will make Haymitch feel better in the Arena. But I'm also lonely. These two are the only ones who know the real Haymitch as well and I like to be around them. Me and Haymitch's mom are close. She reminds me of my own mother in a way. My aunt doesn't mind me leaving the house so I usually get here as early as possible and stay as late as I can.

But watching the volcano explode was hard for all three of us. And seeing so many kids burn to death or die of dust shock was even worse for Hayden and Haymitch's mom. Haymitch's mom slipped into a daze and Hayden wouldn't stop crying for hours. He fell asleep on the couch after staying awake half the night to make sure Haymitch wouldn't drop dead like so many of the other tributes. Afterwards, I held thier mom's hand and waited until she slipped back into this world on her own. I think she knows that she can't leave again even if Haymitch dies. I'm proud of her. It's progress.

But after all that, there was no way I was going home for the night. I figured the Peacekeepers wouldn't notice and my aunt wouldn't mind if she knew where I was. So I stayed here.

Now, looking down at Hayden, I'm forcefully reminded that he will be left all alone if Haymitch dies. No he wouldn't. I would take care of him. His mom would. To honour Haymitch. But it wouldn't be enough. He needs his big brother.

I think of William's two younger sisters. Both are younger than Hayden. I think of how they cried and screamed when William was Reaped. They've lost two brothers to these games. Both dying in such terrible ways.

Suddenly I want to help them. Haymitch says I'm always trying to help people. But these two girls have lost so much. Anything I can do to help ease their pain is worth doing. We could bring them some food. Many Seam families give what little they can when another family loses someone to the Games. It's somewhat of a tradition. To help those who are suffering the most. The Marchant families are slightly richer so they must have more to give.

I resolve to ask Hayden about it when he wakes up. I think he would want to help them out as well. It would take our minds off of Haymitch.

A small part of me wonders if they would even want our help. Since William died but Haymitch hasn't. But maybe that would make it more meaningful. Even though our loved ones are in a fight to the death, we can still help each other out.

It's a message. That the Capitol can't make us turn against one another.

That we will somehow always find a way to be united against them.

Lielle McCarthy

Mom is in bed—she hasn't left her room since yesterday—and Dad went to work early this morning, asking me to please watch over Aria until he gt back. I understand that he can't be in the house when William isn't here anymore but I wish that he could stay and comfort me. It's hard to be strong for my little sister when I'm so close to breaking apart myself.

Aria and I don't do much for the greater part of the day. We just sat together and cried. I feel numb again, like I did when Graham died. All I can think of is that I have to be strong for my little sister. Mom fell into a great sadness after Graham died and I know that it's coming back. Dad won't have time as he tries to keep our family from unraveling at the seams. I'm all Aria has left now.

It's about noon, judging by the sun at least, when there is a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Aria asks me, her voice hoarse from crying all day.

"I don't know." Another knock sounds and I get off our shared bed grudgingly. Aria starts to whimper and I kiss her forehead. "I'll be back. I'm just going to see who it is."

When I open the door, Maysilee Donner is on the other side.

I blink. Are the Games over already? Did she win? She looks tired but not like the girl I saw on the television yesterday. For one thing, she isn't covered in burns. Maybe the Capitol fixed them.

"You're Lielle, right?" She says softly. "William's sister?"

I have to wipe my tears quickly. I'm not William's brother. Not anymore.

But I know why she's asking so I give her a quick nod. "What are you doing here? Are the Games over?"

For a brief second, she looks confused. Then, someone else speaks.

"No, they're not." I push the door open a little wider and see another girl standing there, carrying a basket in her arms. I recognize her. Iris _, the apothecary's daughter. She helped heal William after he ran at that Peacekeeper who made fun of Graham. "We wanted to see how you and your sister were doing."

"Oh," Maysilee says, sounding much less confused. "I'm Maylene. Maysilee's sister."

Right. I suddenly remember William telling me Maysilee has a twin. She's the one who wouldn't stop sobbing as the tributes were led away. William would point them out whenever we saw them around town and I used to marvel at how similar they looked.

They don't look too identical anymore. Maylene has bags under her eyes while Maysilee is covered in burns. The volcano also burned off the tips of her hair and they're now blackened and uneven.

I realize that they are waiting for me to speak. "It's nice to meet you."

Maylene gives me a sad look. "I'm so sorry about your brother."

I look at the ground, trying to keep the tears away. "It's okay," I mumble.

Iris steps forward and hands me the basket she was carrying. "Maysilee and Maylene are like my sisters. William was so kind to her in the Arena. He helped keep her spirits up. We could see how happy they were together."

It pains me every time she uses past tense. But I know I have to get used to it. The same thing happened with Graham.

Maylene reaches out to touch my shoulder and in that moment, she seems like she could be my big sister. "If there is anything we can do. Anything at all to help, please don't hesitate to ask."

"I won't," I say, staring at the basket in my hand. "Do you want to come in?"

I let them into the living room where Aria is seated on the couch. Her eyes are red and puffy and her hair is matted all over her face. I wonder how I must look.

"Look," I tell my little sister as she stares at us in confusion. "Maysilee's sister and friend brought us some stuff."

"Oh," Aria says softly. She glances up at them. "Thank you."

Iris sits down on the couch and combs her fingers through Aria's hair. "No problem, sweetie."

Maylene gestures at the basket. "Sorry that there isn't much."

"You didn't have to bring anything."

"Iris put some tea in there. And some herbal remedies likes soaps and scents. There's also candies from my parents' shop. I brought the kinds that William used to buy from us. We made stew as well."

I'm overwhelmed. "Thank you."

I suddenly remember that this happened after Graham died to. It's a Merchant custom, I think. To bring food to the those who lose someone to the Games that year. Since they aren't in the mood to cook or take care of themselves, their neighbours and friends help in any way possible. I think the Seam does it as well. Only they have much less to give.

Last time, William was the one accepting all these gifts. I guess it's my turn now.

Maylene gives me a hug and I find myself savouring it. The comfort of it feels nice.

"I'm so sorry," she says, her voice muffled. "Maysilee told me what a wonderful person William was."

"He was." My voice cracks. "I'm going to miss him so much."

Maylene pulls back and strokes my cheek. "Come by my house any time you want, okay? Bring your sister too. We'll do whatever we can to help you."

I stare at her eyes. They look almost as tired and sad as mine must. I remember that her twin is still fighting to come home.

"I hope Maysilee wins."

Her voice cracks. "Me too."

"She can do it. She's so close."

Maylene gives me a soft smile. "Thank you."

She and Iris leave soon after, promising that we can always count on them if we ever need anything. After they're gone, I stay at the door, giving myself a moment of weakness. I let my hot tears slip down my cheeks before collecting myself and wiping them away.

When I return to the living room, Aria is looking through the basket. She pulls out a bag of candies. One bag of many.

"They brought my favourite kind," she says, letting the bag swing from her hand. There's the smallest ghost of a smile playing at her lips. The first bit of happiness I've seen from her since yesterday.

I inspect the bag and find chocolate mints inside. They're my favourite too, but Aria doesn't know that. I've always told her I don't like them. That way she could have them all without feeling guilty. It's the small things I do to make her happy.

"That's great," I say. "Looks like you have the whole bag to yourself then."

The small smile she gives me is worth it.

Our next visitor is Rye, the baker's son, who comes over with red rimmed eyes and two loaves of bread. He was William's best friend and was always over at our house. I knew quite a bit about him, including the fact that he has a huge crush on Iris, just like William had on Maysilee. William used to joke that they could have a double wedding.

Not that that could happen anymore.

When Rye enters the house, he wraps me in his arms. Since he's an only child, me and Aria are like little sisters to him. He hands me the two loaves of bread, promising that he'll bring us a loaf every week for as long as we need it.

He leaves quickly after that. I think that it's too hard for him to be reminded of his best friend's death. But I'm beyond grateful for his kindness. It was one of the reasons he and William got along so well. They're both too kind for this world and will always help those who need help.

I cut a slice of bread and bring it upstairs for Mom. The door is closed and when I open it, she's sitting on her bed.

"Hi, Mom."

She glances towards me, her eyes taking a while to focus on my face. "Lielle."

I ignore the foreboding feeling in my stomach as I move to sit next to her. I hand her the plate. "Rye brought us some bread. I brought you some to have."

I'm surprised when she hugs me.

"Thank you, sweetie." Her voice is faint.

"Of course." I make to stand up, knowing that she'll take a while to get back to normal, when she catches my arm.

"I'm so sorry I can't be there for you and Aria. It's just...so hard for me right now."

I give her a smile that probably looks more like a grimace. "I understand, Mom. It's okay."

I do understand. I've lost two loved ones to the Games too.

I leave her in my parents' room and head back downstairs where I spend two hours coaxing Aria to have some bread as well.

Our next visitors surprises me.

"Lielle?"

The two people on the other side are the last people I would have guessed would come today. A boy and girl are standing at the door. The girl carries a pot in her arms.

I recognize the boy straight away. Hayden Abernathy. The boy who defended me against bullies. The boy who makes my stomach tingle with butterflies whenever I look at him. The boy who has a big brother in these Games too.

"Hi, Hayden."

He gives me a sad smile and it seems sincere coming from him. "I'm so sorry about your brother, Lielle."

I ignore how I feel when he says my name. Now is not the time for that.

Aria peeks out from behind me. "Who is it?"

"This is Hayden," I say, gestering at the boy in front of me. Aria knows who he is. I'm sure I told her about my weird feelings towards him. Liking him but confused as to if I really do. I frown at the girl, not able to place her. "And this is..."

The girl, who seems closer to Maylene and Iris's age, steps forward, giving me and Aria a soft smile. "My name is Serena. I'm Haymitch's girlfriend."

I remember her now. She cried when Haymitch was Reaped. I remember how bad I felt for her. But then William was reaped and I didn't care anymore.

"Oh," I say. "Thank you for coming."

I want to tell them that I hope Haymitch wins, but I already have my fingers crossed for Maysilee Donner to win. Because I know that's what William would want the most.

But still, I don't want Hayden to lose his brother the way I did. A part of me wonders why I care about him so much. Maybe it's because he defended me against bullies when I was so vulnerable. Maybe it's because he's kind and so unlike the other boys at my school. At times, I almost think I have a crush on him. But then, I'm reminded of the butterflies in my stomach when my best friend Nelly hugs me. How I feel when she holds me hand. How beautiful her eyes look in the sun.

Aria doesn't know how I feel about Nelly. No one does. Probably because I haven't told anyone. But I can't like both girls and boys. That doesn't make any sense.

I'm broken from my thoughts when Serena hands me the pot she was holding.

"It's soup," she says, and suddenly, she looks sheepish. "I know it's small but it's all we could get..."

I glance at the pot in my hands. It really is a tiny pot. But they made it for us even though Haymitch is still in the Games. And then I remember just how poor the Seam is. William took me there once when I was younger and I had had nightmares for weeks about all the emaciated children I saw living on the streets. The Merchant section isn't rich at all but at least we can usually have three meals a day. Some of the kids I saw look like they barely have one. I notice how even Hayden and Serena have bones that peak out through their clothes.

"No, this is more than enough." I'm shocked at how grateful I feel. "Thank you so much. You two really didn't have to."

"It's nothing," Hayden says and I'm surprised when I catch tears in his eyes. "Your family has suffered so much. I'm so sorry we couldn't do more."

Aria sniffles behind me. Seeing Hayden and Serena seems to have reminded her of William and the Games.

"Haymitch is still in the Games," he continues. "And I feel so bad that William isn't. He seemed so kind."

"Thank you," I whisper.

Hayden apologizes so many times that Aria starts to cry. He hugs me before he and Serena leave and it makes the butterflies even worse.

I set the pot of soup down on our counter and marvel at how different my life is going to be now. No brothers anymore. My family of six turned into a family of four.

I miss you William. I miss you so much.

Haymitch Abernathy

The once beautiful arena is now mostly destroyed. Anywhere within a kilometre circle of the volcano is now burned and dead.

I couldn't believe my eyes when the gorgeous mountain from the start of the Games turned into a deadly volcano. But then again, what else should I have expected of the Gamemakers? And of the Capitol? They lured us all in with promises of safety and wealth, only to kill us when we least expected it.

I almost can't believe how many tributes died yesterday. All those lives lost. Eight tributes in one day. Almost half the remaining tributes gone in one day.

When the first couple of cannons went off, I found myself hoping that they belonged to the Careers. Shimmer especially. If she died, it would make my job so much easier. After all, she seems to be my greatest threat in these Games.

But after the rest of the cannons went off, all I felt was terror that so many kids had died at once. Even though the Bloodbath was so much worse, it hit me different when it was the volcano.

Because those kids burned to death.

I think of my dad. We still don't know how he died. He either burned to death or died of dust shock. Just like these tributes.

As I watched the smoke waft up from the volcano to the sky, it felt as though something was gripping my chest hard. It made it near impossible to breathe and I remember gasping for air as I stared up at the destruction happening on the other side of the Arena. I managed to calm myself before I really lost it, so if I'm lucky, no one watching the Games would have noticed how terrified I was. As dumb as it seems, I still don't want the Capitol to see me weak.

It gives them more chances to use it against me.

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed when I didn't see Shimmer's face in the sky yesterday. I had hoped she'd be one of the cannons instead of some innocent kid from an outlying district. But all my disappointment was washed away when I saw William's face light up the sky.

Another tribute from 12. Dead. Gone. Never to be seen again.

It's so strange to think that I will never see William or Leila again. I think of William's kindness and Leila's innocence. Neither of them deserved what they got.

None of us deserve this.

I think of my last district partner. I wonder how Maysilee is doing. There is a very large chance that she saw them both die, as she was so close with them before the Games started. Her and William were especially close. They reminded me of Serena and I.

They seem like star-crossed lovers almost. A relationship that can never prosper because of the Capitol. They could have had such a beautiful relationship if the starts themselves weren't working against them.

I wonder what I would do if I ran into Maysilee. In all honesty, it depends on what she does first. I don't think I could kill her but I would if she tried to kill me first. I think of her laughing with William and Leila. Comforting me after I broke down. She doesn't seem like a killer.

But I never thought of myself as a killer either.

No one has ever made it far in the Games by chance.

The sun is setting when a cannon booms, jolting me from my deep thoughts. I had spent the whole day walking around the Arena. I don't want to stay in one spot for fear that someone will find me but I don't have a definite goal now that I know I can't reach the edge of the Arena.

That night, a single face lights up the sky. The last boy from District 7. Jack's district partner. I think he was 18.

As I strap myself to a tree and prepare to go to sleep, I suddenly realize that I've made it to the top 10. The thought shocks me. I'm almost to the top 8 in an Arena that started with 48 kids.

I never really expected to make it this far. I think of all the kids I've outlived. They'll never see their District again.

But maybe I can see mine.

A lot of characters get introduced here and we get POVs from Lielle and Serena. And Peeta's father makes a brief entrance. You also get to see where Haymitch first thinks of star-crossed lovers.

For anyone confused, I changed William's brother's name to Graham because I realized I also named William's best friend Rye *face palm*

A new alliance forms in the next chapter! Stay tuned!