As I was running, my phone rang. I answered it as I slowed to a walk, taking a few seconds to make sure I wasn't breathing too hard. "What?"

"I know you're on the way here," Bobby said sternly. "Don't."

"Why the fuck not?" Thanks, Josie, for keeping your goddamn trap shut. "Why the ever-loving fuck would you guys not bring me along?"

At this point I was shouting profanities into the darkness. Anyone who heard probably thought I was insane. Bobby merely sighed. "We got to talkin', the boys and I. Cass cares about you. A lot. And you in danger could be fatal. If he ain't concentrating on what he's doin' then we could lose it all."

The statement infuriated me, but not on my behalf. "You really have that low of an opinion on Castiel? You guys really think he'd fuck up the world because of some chick?"

"Yes."

Awkward. Not the response I expected. "How can you say that?"

"Listen, girl. He don't got much left. That there archangel killed most of his friends in Heaven, Balthazar blew up in front of him, and I don't know if he could even call Dean a friend anymore after what Cass did to Sam. You're the only thing going good for him now. You really think he wouldn't do everything to make sure you ain't in harm's way?"

Fucking Bobby, with his logic and persuasive arguments. "Fine."

"Good. I'll call you when we're done."

I took a few minutes to decide one way or the other before choosing: fuck it. What could they do if I showed up anyways? Hit pause and take me back home?

I continued jogging until I spotted the mansion lifting above the trees. It was pretty much exactly how we'd left it after the first time Purgatory had been opened. Good thing; no guards, no lights, no problem.

I snuck inside. A faint gleam from under a door spoke of where they were all gathered. I carefully opened it and tiptoed my way down the stairs. It ended at a stone corridor that curved both ways. Made sense; from what I remembered that room I woke up in was circular. From one end I could swear I could hear Sam (I found out later it had been; he'd been having a rather unhealthy discussion with Satan). From a pair of double doors in front of me I could hear everyone else. One was propped open and I hid behind the other.

I saw the spiky mandala from before, a fresh coat of blood making the sinister characters gleam. Castiel stood in front of it holding the restraints of a woman who was rotting. I could only assume that was Raphael. Male vessel or female vessel it didn't matter. There was only one angel (or archangel) around about to pop and it had to be her.

A cadaverous man stood in the middle of the room, his hands folded elegantly over the top of a cane. There was a primal sort of fear in my breast at the sight of him. It was Death, as cold and malevolently insouciant as they had all described. I felt lucky to have the thick metal door as a cover… until his gaze unerringly lingered at where I was for just a moment too long. I swallowed and shook my head slowly. Come on, you bastard. Have a little heart.

Thankfully, Death made no indication of revealing my presence. "It's now 3:49 by my reckoning," the being stated. He turned towards Castiel. "You have approximately ten minutes to clean up your mess. I trust this will be the last time."

"You have my word," Cass affirmed.

Death's steely gaze swept over to Dean. "And that goes double for you."

The elder Winchester bristled, but he was tactful enough not to express it verbally. "Um…"

"Shut up, Dean." It was really quite impressive how Death could be so cutting without raising his voice. "I'm not here to tie your shoes every time you trip. I warned you about those souls how long ago? Long enough to stop this fool." Raphael gave a weak, indignant noise at the insult. "And here we are again, with your little planet on the edge of immolation."

"Well, I'm sorry. All right?" Dean snapped, brave asshole that he is. I wouldn't have been able to take such a tone with Death. "I've been trying to save this planet, so maybe you should find somebody better to tip off."

"Maybe I should spend my effort on a better planet," Death replied blithely, seemingly unperturbed by the attitude thrown his way. "Well, it's been amusing." A moment later he was gone.

A weird, hoarse sound floated in the air. It took everyone a moment to realize it was coming from Raphael. "You're all going to die!" She sounded insane. Her eyes slid over to Cass. "And I'm starting with you and your whore."

"Shut up," Castiel snapped. He and Bobby exchanged a silent nod and the ritual began.

I didn't know the words and I don't ever want to know them. They flowed off of Bobby's tongue and into the air, creating a miasma of power that made my skin itch. A roaring wind blew through the room, I suppose originating from the spell. It was so loud I almost missed Castiel saying, "I'm sorry, Dean."

Tears stung my eyes. He was still trying to make amends. Unfortunately, Dean fucking Winchester didn't give him a response. Cass turned away and there was a near-imperceptible slump to his shoulders. I wanted to go in there and either tell the angel everything would be fine. That or smack the shit out of Dean.

The portal opened. Blinding white light burst from the wall. Everyone reflexively turned from it. Unknowingly, I stepped to the side as well as to the back and ended up in Castiel's line of sight.

That's when it all got fucked. God, thinking back, it happened so quickly, everything just going one right after the other. But I remember every single millisecond.

Our eyes meeting for a mere moment, Castiel's widening in shock.

The wide, maniacal grin on Raphael's rotting face. Her hand taking hold of her brother's neck.

A thick swirl of moving blackness erupting from under her sleeve, tendrils snaking onto Castiel's skin and disappearing. Him shoving the archangel forward at the portal with all his might and her arm tearing off, the skin too thin to hold any longer.

Raphael screaming both through her vessel and her true form, the piercing whine so deafening us mere humans couldn't do anything other than cower. The archangel falling back, the whiteness of Purgatory's souls beginning to burst from her flesh, so eager they were to be home. The room starting to rumble… then the portal slamming shut and cutting off sound and movement so suddenly it was jarring.

I tried to keep quiet, but when I looked back in the room Cass was sprawled on the floor. A gasp escaped my lips before I could quell it. The door I was hiding behind was jerked open and I found myself face-to-face with a bewildered Dean and a furious Bobby. "Damnit, girl!" Bobby cursed.

I neither needed nor wanted the lecture that was probably brewing. Instead, I shoved past both men and ran to Castiel's body to kneel down and put my head on his chest. My fists clenched into his coat. Nothing moved under my ear, nothing made a sound. Fucking hell, he was already getting cold.

"Is he breathing?" Dean asked quietly.

"No," I whispered.

"Maybe angels don't need to breathe."

If it hadn't been for the quiver in each syllable I'd have gotten to my feet and broken his nose. "He's gone," Bobby said gently.

I didn't move. I didn't want to. I was good here, in fact. Could stay here for the rest of my days.

Hands were on my shoulders. "Eva," Dean said, "come on."

"No."

"Son," Bobby said. "Leave them be for a moment."

I heard Dean sigh, his boot rustling the dirt on the floor as he turned away. Abruptly, to all of our surprise, the body beneath me gave a great gasp. Castiel's chest heaved as it took in air and I scrambled backwards. He struggled a bit to get himself upright before commenting, "That was unpleasant."

"You stupid son of a bitch!" I yelled into his face. The angel was at least aware enough to grab both the fists I threw at him. "Die again and I'll KILL YOU!"

Those ancient eyes looked at me with a mixture of amusement and exasperation. "That seems redundant."

"Come on," Dean said, the relief in his voice palpable. "Let's get him up." Both he and Bobby pulled up on Castiel's arms. He staggered a few steps. "Whoa, easy there."

"I'm alive," the angel murmured, astonished. I stood and he looked at me. "I'm alive." I nodded, too busy stemming a flow of tears to respond vocally. Cass turned towards Dean. "I'm going to find a way to redeem myself to you."

Embarrassed by the proclamation, Dean merely said, "All right, one thing at a time. Let's get you out of here."

"And I got some words for you," Bobby growled at me as we all stepped towards the door. "Stubborn woman."

"Oh, goodie," I deadpanned.

"I mean it, Dean," Castiel was saying, his hand on the elder Winchester's sleeve.

"Okay," Dean replied. "All right. But let's go find Sam first, okay?"

Yeah. We could go find Sam. Look, everything turned out okay. Raphael's atoms were scattered throughout Purgatory, the souls were back where they should be and the world was safe, and now we could all return back to our regularly scheduled insanity.

If only.

Dean, Bobby, and I all found ourselves abruptly being shoved forward. When we turned around, Cass was leaning heavily against a surgical table, his face red with strain. "You need to run! I-I can't hold them back!"

"Hold who back?" Dean demanded.

"Leviathan!" Castiel cried. "I can't fight them. Run! RUN!"

To our collective horror, Cass began to convulse. As Dean and I were too busy gaping, Bobby grabbed our arms and pulled. We had just begun to turn when Castiel abruptly stood up straight and merrily declared, "Too late!"

"Cass?" Dean wondered desperately.

He pulled the hunter to him, his eyes wide and mad. In a voice far too maniacal for the angel we knew, he said, "Cass is…" he shrugged. "He's dead! We run the show now."

A quick shove had Dean sailing across the room and slamming into a wall. He crashed into a table, upsetting a tray full of rusty, blooded tools and grunting as his ass hit the floor. Another push had Bobby doing the same, except to my horror the old man's head cracked against the cement floor when he landed.

Hands gripped my biceps and I was forced to face the thing wearing Cass. It gave me a sloppy kiss on the lips before sending me flying. I slammed into the railing with a bong, my back scraping down the metal and the concrete underneath. The Leviathan laughed. "Oh, this is going to be so much fun."

No no no no no… everything was fine, goddamnit! "Fuck you," I snarled as I fought through abrasions and bruised bones to at least have my torso upright.

I expected to be beaten, gutted, something. Instead, Castiel's body hadn't moved. It swayed back and forth as blackened veins periodically crawled up its neck and face. "How many of you ass-clowns are in there?" Dean asked. "A hundred? More?"

His eyes flicked towards me and then upwards. Hell no. I wasn't going anywhere until I knew for certain this was over. Something began dripping, a broken pipe maybe or one of Crowley's innumerable bags of mystery fluid. No, it was coming from Cass. Thick, dark ooze was dripping down his sleeve. As I watched, the same stuff started flowing down his head, ostensibly using hair follicles as an opening, then his eyes, his ears, his nose.

"Your vessel's gonna explode, ain't it?" said Dean, his desperation evident. "Wouldn't do anything too strenuous. In fact, I'd call it a day, head on home, huh?"

With great effort, the things in Cass growled, "We'll be back. For you."

They limped away trailing footsteps of gooey darkness. I wanted to stand up and chase after it, shake it, demand it give me back my angel. Unfortunately, my legs were having other ideas. I pulled myself up using the railing's metal bars and resisted the urge to scream. Nothing was broken, thankfully, but the impact had done a number on, well, everything.

I waved off Dean's attempt to check on me and he headed for Bobby. To my relief, I heard the man say, "Well, this is a new one."

"Eva?" Dean asked as he approached again.

"I'm fine." No, I wasn't. "Just… go find your brother."

"But—"

"Go."

Bobby clapped Dean on the arm and they hurried off. I bit down on my agony, staving off the emotional pain to concentrate on the physical. It couldn't be as bad as all that. Catch up to Castiel's body, find some way of expelling the assholes inside, and we'd be good to go.

Plan made I focused on the goopy footsteps leading out of the room. I limped my way down their path. It led around the corner to a now broken metal door. Blackness filled the dirt where the things had stepped.

By the time I could walk steady, Sam, Dean, and Bobby had caught up. Wordlessly, we followed the trail. When we heard the clank of metal breaking, all of us broke into a run.

I got there first, flying past the wire gate towards the body sacrificing itself to the water. The last of him disappeared and I lunged, heedless of the insidious tendrils snaking outwards from where he'd gone under. Two frustrating sets of hand held me back. "Eva, don't!"

"Let go of me! LET GO OF ME!"

They did, except it was too late. Nothing was left of Castiel or what had to be Leviathan other than quiet ripples. No one said anything, too stunned by the turn of the past ten minutes. From when Cass shoved Raphael forward to him disappearing into the water, it had been ten fucking minutes.

"Aw, hell."

The rest of us looked at Bobby, then at what he was staring at. A sign at the edge of the water quite plainly read: "Public Water Supply." Apparently whatever form the Leviathan took wasn't constrained by mundane things like flesh and bone. They were now part and parcel of the local resource system, innumerable and untraceable. What the hell could we do now?

Movement at the edge of my line of sight caught my eye. Something was floating towards the shore. Dean walked over, knelt down, and picked it up. Water cascaded down sodden beige cloth as he stood.

I could feel that thing from where I was several feet away. It squished under my fingers as I gripped it for comfort. The buckles on its sleeves softly scraped around my neck as I was drawn into an embrace. My back gently rubbed back and forth on it as I lay naked beneath an angel…

"Okay," came Dean's unsteady voice. "So he's gone."

"Yeah," agreed Bobby. "Rest in peace. If that's in the cards."

"Dumb son of a bitch," Dean said, his voice quivering even more.

I'd heard enough. I spun on my heel and marched for the gate. When they started calling after me, I broke into a sprint, heading nowhere in particular, a damning mantra echoing in my head.

My fault. This is my fault. I should have listened. I'm such a fucking idiot. My fault. This is my fault.

No one can sprint for very long. I think I read somewhere once that the world record is 400 meters. I came to a stop at the end of Crowley's mansion's long driveway, heaving for breath. It took me a bit before I realized why my lungs were reacting so badly. I was crying. Not a quiet, tears dropping slowly kind of cry; the heaving, ugly, red faced, snot running sort; the kind that doesn't bother to hide how very broken you were. My knees buckled and I collapsed into a heap, my head in my arms and my back against a fence post.

This is my fault.

Someone put their hand on my shoulder, my name falling gently from their lips. Didn't matter that they came to comfort me, didn't matter who it was; I came up screaming, swinging the blade I kept up my sleeve. "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

Bobby stepped back. He cradled his cut palm in the opposite hand. "Damnit, girl!"

"Stay away," I snarled as I got to my feet. Stay away before I get you killed, too.

"Eva—"

I started walking backwards. "All of you, stay the fuck away from me."

"Eva, you can't—"

Oh. I had a gun now. It was out from behind my back and pointing at the three astonished men in front of me. "You leave me alone."

"Eva—" Dean started. I pulled the hammer and he shut up.

"Don't," I whispered.

"Okay," Sam inserted. "We won't."

"Good."

I turned on my heel and began to run again. I don't know how long or how far I went, only that they actually followed my request. At some point I found a car sitting in a side street ripe for the picking. Wires sparked, foot on the pedal, and I was out of South Dakota within the hour. I hit the nearest motel, bought myself a bottle of cheap whiskey, started drinking, and didn't come up for air until that fateful vampire hunt a year later.

So that's it. That's my fuck-up. I had to act like some moonstruck, starry-eyed romance novel protagonist. I got Castiel killed, turned to nothing by the Leviathan that got into his body because I refused to listen.

So the big question was: who the fuck was sitting behind me?

I pretended to fall back asleep after hearing Emmanuel's declaration regarding Dean's humanity. My thoughts continued to whirl around and around, guilt and anger and confusion all warring for prominence. Maybe it was just his body. I mean, Cass had been using a vessel. Could be this… Emmanuel was the person who owned the thing. Who knows? Perhaps being a vessel gave him powers and now the man was just making use of what had happened.

Who was I kidding?

Mid-morning the next day Dean made a necessary pit stop to get gas and food. "Just sit tight," he said to us. "I'll be right out."

"Oh, hell no," I replied. I got out of the car. When I rounded the engine, Dean put his hand out. "What?"

"Stay and watch him, okay?"

"He's a grown man. I'm damn sure he can take care of himself."

Dean lowered his voice. "Could still be demons on his ass. Please?"

I threw my hands up. "Fine." Dean walked towards the convenience store and I turned to check through the windshield. Emmanuel was looking right at me. He noticed I was glaring and opened the door. I walked over to him. "Get back inside."

"Is there something wrong?"

"Yes."

"Is it… me?"

"Yes."

"I resemble someone you know."

Dean didn't want me to spill state secrets, but it was hard. "Yeah. Sure."

"He was someone you cared for."

"Go fuck yourself."

Emmanuel held his hands out. "I meant no offense."

"Yeah. Whatever." I turned away, which gave me a clear view of Dean flipping the closed sign on the store window. He mouthed a request for me to stay where I was. "What the fuck…?"

"You use a lot of profanity," Emmanuel said disapprovingly.

That I ignored. Instead, I folded my arms and waited. Five minutes later Dean emerged, a pale, dark-haired woman following behind. The smirk on her face couldn't mean anything good. "Who the fuck is this?" I asked.

Panicked, Emmanuel took a step backwards. "Her face! She's one of—"

Dean cut him off. "She's a… a friend."

"A demon friend," I said scathingly.

"We come in different flavors, hotness." The hellspawn looked up at Dean. "Who's the babe?"

By his expression Dean was more willing to stab the demon in the neck than make introductions, but he answered. "Eva, Meg. Meg, Eva. We good now?"

"No," I replied.

"That hurts my feelings," Meg said, her hand on her chest. "Really. Besides, I'm just here for moral support. I mean, after all, we go way back. Dean and me," she added after a pause just this side of suspicious. Her gaze slipped over to Emmanuel. "Just met you, of course. But I think we're gonna be good friends, too."

Road trip with an obnoxious demon. Yay.

Dean wanted to keep an eye on Meg and convinced me to sit in the back with EmmanuCass. Now that I was close to enough to really see him, I knew the body wasn't just some slapped together doppelgänger. There, that crease on the side of his eye. The way his stubble was arranged around his jaw. How his hair was parted naturally at one side. It was him. I wanted to reach over and shake him until he remembered me. Slap the fuck out of him. Kiss him. Feel him.

Except Dean, who I was technically beholden to, was sitting right there. It made the car ride way more awkward than it should have been.

When we finally got to where Sam was locked up the place was surrounded by demons. An impossible situation for two hunters; a not so difficult issue for a full-powered seraph. Suffice to say Dean and Meg used some not so subtle prodding to get Emmanuel to go down and smite them all. In a brilliant display, the man took care of each and every one, burning their vessels from within and destroying the demon inside.

Unfortunately, using his powers in this manner came with a side-effect. "I remember you," Emmanuel… no, Castiel said, his back still towards us. "I remember everything."

Everything. That meant he knew why he had died, who had fucked up, all of it. There was no goddamn way I wanted to face him now. Easiest thing to do would be to get gone as fast as I could. They kept talking, Castiel making it clear he was undeserving of resurrection and Dean desperate to have the angel's help with Sam. They were distracted. Perfect. I turned on my heel and walked away.

I forgot, however, that the angels now knew he was an angels. As I rounded the building I heard the flapping of wings behind me. I jerked as a hand gently grasped my wrist. "Evangeline."

My name, just my name, almost undid me. No one called me by my full name except Castiel. "Don't," I whispered. "Please."

"I don't understand."

He tugged lightly, but I refused to turn around. "Just go help Sam."

The tug became more insistent, and when I remained obstinate Castiel just plain yanked on my arm. I ended up spinning to a stop against his body, my fingers splayed against his chest. At some point Dean had returned the coat to him and the feeling of it beneath my fingers filled me with dread.

His head dipped For a moment I considered giving in, the feel, the smell of him like seeing sun after days of rain. But… "Cass, no."

"Why?"

Such an innocent question with such pain in the asking. I slowly stepped away and whipped around, my gaze downwards. "Just…" I crossed my arms, grasping my shoulders in a vain attempt to shelter myself from the guilt. "Cass, I got you killed."

The ensuing silence was damning. While stuck wherever angels went, had he spent the time cursing me? Was he biding his time before taking his revenge for my fuck up? Had he found happiness with Daphne because of it? "Just say it," I said hoarsely. "Just tell me you hate me and get it over with."

"Is that what you think?"

The honest perplexity in his voice infuriated me. I twisted around and cried, "YES! They told me not to be there, they told me I would be a distraction and I went anyways. Because of me the Leviathan are out in the world and you died!"

Castiel shook his head. "No."

I stomped towards him, my fists clenched, and stabbed him in the chest with a finger. "Don't deny something so fucking obvious!"

"Evangeline, if you hadn't come, Raphael would have won."

Fury dissipated in the face of confusion. "What?"

Cass took a hesitant step forward. When I didn't back away, he reached out and tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear. "No one was on my side. Bobby was angry. Dean felt betrayed. Sam was…" He swallowed and glanced over his shoulder. "And the angels had no mind of their own. Evangeline, you were the only one there who wanted to be there for me. Just me."

I hadn't realized how bleak Castiel's outlook had been. To have been ostracized by both family and friends must have torn him apart. And what do you know? There was me. Little old me, interfering in a ritual with consequences way beyond my ken because I couldn't bear it if the man I loved never came back. I huffed out a wry laugh. "Are you saying me being selfish saved us?"

His hands were on either side of my face. "I was prepared to die and seeing you made me want live, made me want to fight, even when the Leviathan…" He swallowed. "It made me realize I wasn't alone. Let me show you."

Fingers touched my forehead…

Castiel stares grimly at his brother, his heart heavy. He has to do this. He has to. It doesn't mean he wants to.

"You have approximately ten minutes to clean up your mess," Death says, annoyed. "I trust this will be the last time."

"You have my word," Castiel affirms. As he doesn't think he will survive anyways, the assurance is easy to give.

Death is chastising Dean and Castiel takes a moment to look at his swaying brother. Raphael's vessel is bleeding, melting. Charred skin and open sores mar the woman's formerly handsome face. She sways on her feet, weak from the disintegration. For all they can see she is ready to collapse. If Castiel hadn't been holding her restraints, Raphael would be on the floor. When he looks into her eyes, however…

"Well, it's been amusing," Death quips. He casts scathing glances at Raphael, Dean, and lingers on Castiel before vanishing.

Raphael begins to shake. It takes a moment for Castiel to realize she is laughing, her voice ringing off the walls. "You're all going to die!" she shrieks. Her eyes slide to her brother. "And I'm starting with you and your whore."

"Shut up," Castiel growls. He looks up at Bobby who nods and begins to chant the ritual.

The air roars with energy as the portal opens. It's almost time for everything to be over. Without Evangeline there, only one person remains to say something to. "I'm sorry, Dean."

His friend doesn't reply and Castiel's despair grows. He hopes he dies in Purgatory. Death would be better than this. The disappointment in his friend's eyes. The near-hate because of what Castiel to his brother. It was almost a physical pain, and he was losing the strength to go on.

Unconsciously, his grip is loosening. Raphael notices and her mad grin grows.

The portal is open. Blinding white light fills the room. At the impact, Castiel turns his head over reflexively.

And he sees her.

Of course Evangeline would find a way to come. Of course. Stubborn, stupid woman would try to get herself killed to see him one more time. Castiel cannot help but be both angry and euphoric that she would risk so much just to see him go.

Now, suddenly, he wants to live. He wants to feel her again, her kisses, her skin on his, even her slaps.

Raphael is starting to fight back. Her hand is around is neck, pulling. She is trying to reverse their positions, to throw Castiel into the portal while she remains on Earth to do as she sees fit. If his brother really tried, Castiel could do very little to stop her. He'd been prepared to do what he could do make sure she lost, but now… now he had to win.

There's barely space for anything other than to think and to push. Castiel thinks of Evangeline and Dean. Dean thinks of his friend's betrayal and his brother's future (and of a woman with long, black hair). Bobby asks himself how his life had come to this insanity. Raphael thinks of how horrifying and humiliating it is to be overpowered.

But no one spares a thought for them.

Castiel doesn't know what the blackness is that creeps down Raphael's shoulder. All he knows is that he needed to get away. He gives a tremendous shove and the arm tears away, but the damage is done. Something enters him, something dark and sinister and hungry. It swarms into his mind, into his Grace, eating what it can find…

"Stop!" I cried. I wrenched my head to one side, tearing myself away from those fingers. The terror Cass had felt, the pain of being eaten alive… "Oh, God, stop."

"But do you see?"

"Yes." I did. I really did.

However, months and months of self-hate wasn't going to go away all at once, but before I could really process much more than, He doesn't blame me, the angel drew me back into his arms. He touched his lips lightly to mine… and I found my arms around his neck pulling him down to me, welcoming him back from amnesia and darkness and everything. I was cascading into bliss, forgetting the bleakness of the past year. The only thing that mattered was that Castiel was back. Against all odds, against every logical supposition, he was back, and not a thing in the universe could make me let him go again.

"Well, isn't that sweet," came Meg's unwelcome voice. "Excuse me while I vomit."

We drew away from one another to find Dean and the demon having crested the hill. Near identical expressions of jealousy were on both their faces. Dean I could understand (and squirm under), but what was up with Meg?

Castiel simply told Dean, "I'm sorry. I'll go find Sam." A rush of wings later and he was gone.

A delighted Meg looked back and forth between me and Dean. It took him a minute to realize why the demon was lingering. "Get gone," he snarled.

"Fine," Meg pouted. A moment later we were alone.

We kept staring. Dean's mouth opened a time or two. I finally got impatient and irritably asked, "Well?"

"Now what? You just throwin' me off to one side?"

I rolled my eyes. Men. "Grow up." I brushed by him and started back around the building.

"I mean it," Dean said as he followed. "Cass is back and… and I know you and him…"

I sighed and turned around. "Look, let's just see what's going on with Sam. After that, we'll talk, okay?"

Disappointment and apprehension was clear from the downturned, tightly pressed lips. "Yeah."

We hurried inside. Truth be told I had no idea what to think. Cass had been dead. I'd moved on. But seeing him here and now? What was I supposed to do? I loved Castiel, and I loved Dean. There's no handbook out there for what to do when your celestial boyfriend miraculously comes back from the dead. I'd have to play it by ear and see what happens.

Unfortunately, I wasn't going to be given much time to make a decision.

We found Sam, Castiel, and Meg in what was the hospital's long-term psychiatric ward. I hadn't seen Sam in several weeks and the degradation to his health was horrific. Darting eyes were sunken deep. Scrapes and bruises stood out starkly on a sallow countenance. He was thin and breathing raggedly, his mouth moving up and down as he whispered denials and pleas.

"I can't," Castiel said despondently.

Dean was livid. "What the hell do you mean 'you can't'?"

"I mean there's nothing left to rebuild."

"Why not?"

"Because it crumbled. The pieces got crushed to dust by whatever's happening inside his head right now. Can I speak to you for a moment?"

It took me a slow moment to realize Cass was talking to me; I had been staring at Sam trying to will him back to sanity. "Um. Okay."

"Cass," Dean said, despondent. "What about Sam?"

"Five minutes, please," Castiel pleaded. "I know what to do. I can… just five minutes."

Dean glanced unhappily from the angel to me. "Fine."

"Thank you."

I followed Castiel out into the hallway, dread lacing its way down my spine. "You're going to do something stupid," I accused as soon as the door had clicked shut.

He took my hands and looked into my eyes. "I want to say I'm sorry now."

"For what?"

"I am going to do something… stupid. I will be fine, I promise, but it may take me away again. I'll stay here if it happens."

If I could have, I would have taken the angel's shoulders and shaken a direct response out of him. "That makes no fucking sense."

"It will." He practically buried me in his embrace. "I just wanted a few minutes more, but I need to do this. I need to fix what I did."

I clutched his back and nodded, but I was furious. These self-sacrificing, stupid motherfuckers. "Fuck you, Cass," I whispered, my eyes filling with tears.

"I know." His hand stroked my hair. "I know. I need one favor."

"Fine."

"Tell Daphne what happened. Make sure she's okay."

There was a cranky bitch inside of me saying hell no. Of course I replied positively. Cass might be saying he forgave me, that I had done nothing wrong. but it would be a long time before I could forgive myself. Telling his wife what had happened would be at least one point in the right direction.

He pushed me gently away. One knuckle lifted my chin and his lips gently pressed against mine.

Then with a stiff spine, Castiel walked back into the room. Several minutes later us humans walked out, a lucid Sam included, leaving a catatonic angel and a remarkably helpful demon behind.

We walked out to the Impala in silence. Once there, Sam threw his arms up into the air. "What are we doing? This whole 'enemy of my enemy is my friend' thing feels kind of like a demon deal."

"Look," Dean argued, "it's mutually assured destruction." He shrugged. "I get it. She's not our friend. We don't even have friends. All our friends are dead."

I ignored Dean's penchant for nihilism to ask, "Meg is sure she can convince the head guy here to hire her?"

"She's at least said she'll restrain herself," Sam grumbled.

"Fine." I turned towards Dean. "We need to talk."

"Not here," he replied. "Let's get at least cross the state line. Last thing we need is someone finding out where Cass is at."

We drove for several hours in extremely uncomfortable silence, stopping at a motel only after we'd made our way into Ohio. I rented my own room and the boys got theirs. Ten minutes after I was settled there was a knock on my door. I let Dean in.

I didn't know what to say. Early on I'd told him that I still loved Castiel, and even though we'd never imagined he would come back Dean had to know that some part of me would always belong to the angel. Both of these men had a place in my heart and there was no way of undoing it.

Dean sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I… I understand if you wanna go back to him. I won't stand in your way."

"That's not what I want." The hope in his eyes blurred with my next words. "I don't know what I want."

"Then I'll go. Make this easier on the both of us."

Dean turned towards the door and I smacked his arm. "Stop being an asshole and wait a second!"

"Ow!"

At least I had his full attention. "Like I said: I don't know what I want okay? But what I need is time."

"Time?"

"Yes, time to think without you and your brother and all the shit that flies around the two of you."

Surprisingly, Dean merely shrugged. "Okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I get it." He huffed out a wry chuckle. "Our lives ain't exactly a picnic in the park."

He walked over and wrapped me in his embrace. I tilted my head up and our lips met. Once. Twice. Mouths parted and tongues entangled. Before we could think ourselves out of it, the two of us were stripping down. I backed up onto the bed and his body covered mine.

We spent the next several hours making sure neither of us could forget the other. It would be the last time Dean and I would be together intimately for a long, long time. Dean and Castiel would be gone, transported to Purgatory by unforseen consequences. By the time they got back they were both changed, but unfortunately not in terms of how they felt about me.

I loved— love Dean. I do. But it's those eyes of gray and blue and steel that fills my heart. In them are Castiel's innocence, his honesty, his intentions to just do good.

It's terrifying to look into them now and see a stranger.

Acknowledgement : Some lines of dialogue are taken directly from the episodes "Meet the New Boss" (SPN 7.01), "Hello, Cruel World" (SPN 7.02), and "The Born-Again Identity" (SPN 7.17).