Thanks for sticking with me this long. There aren´t many chapters left, and I wanted to focus one on Danny along with Steve´s struggles to cope.
Also, I would like to say thank you to everyone who found a moment to review and share their opinion. It is incredibly motivational.
Steve wasn´t just tired. He was utterly drained. It felt like he´d been crying for days, not a couple of hours. His voice was hoarse and shaky when he spoke. His eyes felt heavy. But Danny kept pushing. Gently. Persistently. He made sure Steve got it all out.
And after that, they went inside and talked a bit more. They ate the pizza and spent another hour or so in companionable silence, both pretending to watch TV. Despite exhaustion, Steve fought to stay awake, too scared to even close his eyes after the unexpected breakdown. And he could say Danny was afraid of leaving him on his own and stayed despite barely staying awake.
So they both just sat there until Steve noticed that Danny finally dozed off on the sofa. He decided against waking him up and brought a blanket from a guest room. When covering Danny up with it, he noticed that dark shadows rimmed his eyes and instant guilt came with a force of a wrecking ball.
After watching him for a little longer, thinking about what Danny was going through because of him, he decided to get a shower. By now he already figured out a way to handle it without the danger of falling. He allowed himself an extra long one tonight, hoping the hot water would wash away all his pain. It didn´t.
By the time he settled in the bed, it was well after midnight. As expected, sleep eluded him and his brain just refused to shut off. Lying awake, staring at the ceiling, the old and new terrible memories were all rolling like a movie in front of his eyes until he just gave up hours later and wheeled himself back outside, grabbing a bottle of Scotch on his way.
Before he knew it, the first golden rays of sun began to stretch over the blue sky, inviting the new day. Steve left the empty bottle on the floor and hoping it would help him get some sleep, he headed back to the guest room, careful not to wake Danny up when passing by.
The mixture of exhaustion and alcohol luckily did its trick and he passed out nearly immediately this time, albeit for a short time. He woke up with a groan, a thumping headache hitting him hard as the light way too bright invaded his eyeballs after prying his gummed up lids open.
By the time he finished his morning hygiene, Danny was already up and in the kitchen, drinking his usual cup of coffee. He looked up when Steve drove his wheelchair in.
"Morning," Steve said, moving over to the counter.
"Morning." Danny smiled. "I´m about to head to work. Do you need anything before I go? You sure you´ll be okay here if I leave? I can wait a couple more days."
A momentary confusion passed quickly as Steve remembered Danny was going back to work today. He was the one who had encouraged him in doing so, after all. It was the other part of what Danny said that made the irritation flare up. Steve knew Danny meant well, but he was beginning to hate the sound of being the one who was always in need of help. At least he was starting to feel better than before and that was progress, and full recovery was something he was looking forward to.
Danny's kindness notwithstanding, Steve made every attempt to ensure he did things on his own as much as possible. He was getting better and he wouldn't remain weak and helpless forever, and that thought always gave him a bit more strength. "Thanks. I´ll be fine," he said, reaching for the coffee pot and pouring himself a cup. But when the deformed nail beds on his fingers came into view, he couldn´t stop the unwanted reaction. His hands started shaking and he had to place the pot back and wait.
Danny set his coffee aside and walked up to him. He filled Steve his coffee and slid the cup towards him. "Do you think this is a problem for me?" he said. "To pour you some coffee?"
"That´s not all you´re doing."
"No, you´re right. I´ve also made breakfast. It´s on the table." Danny forced a grin, but Steve wasn´t amused.
"Not what I meant," Steve said with a frown.
Danny´s smile faded quickly. "Look, whatever you think I am doing, it's because I want to," he said.
"But… staying here with me? Helping me with just about everything? I can´t even walk, Danny! And last night… I…I don't want to be this way."
"I get that," Danny said. "And it's great that you think that way, that you want to be independent but there's no need to rush it. You heard Thomas - you need to give it time. Which is why, until you can do it all on your own, you need to let me help."
Steve shook his head. "It´s been seven weeks since you got on that plane and flew over to the other side of the word to get me, Danny," he said. "And I don´t want you to put your life on hold for me anymore."
"I´m not putting my life on hold."
"You´re not?" Steve barked out, more loudly than he intended to. "What about Grace and Charlie, huh? What about work and your personal life and … when was the last time you got some real sleep? Huh?"
"Don´t worry about me. You´re a part of my life, Steven. I want to be here for you and help you get back on your feet, okay? And I was actually wondering if you would mind if I brought the kids over here this weekend. They keep asking for you too."
Steve frowned, knowing Danny wouldn´t back out easily. "You know I don´t mind, but that´s not what I´m talking about."
"Stop it, babe," Danny said in a low voice. "I love you. We all do. You´re family and staying around is no big deal. It´s the least I can do for you."
Steve closed his eyes in an attempt of losing control of his emotions, which was happening a lot lately. When he opened them again, he watched the expression on Danny´s face, where he didn´t know what to do or say. "I´m sorry," he mumbled. "I just… I know it´s hard on you too."
"It´ll be okay. We´ll be okay," Danny said. "And please just stop apologizing."
"Danny…"
"Steve, I said stop it, all right? None of this is your fault and I want to help. Get that in that dopey head of yours finally."
Steve forced himself from going further. He wasn´t ready for saying much more anyway. What was he going to say, besides a few useless words that might explain how sorry he was to be a burden for everybody? He decided to leave it alone for now.
Danny picked his car keys. "I have to go," he said. "If you need anything… and I mean anything at all, call me."
When Steve stayed silent, Danny spoke again. "You´re going to call me or someone else if you need help or something goes wrong, right?"
"Yeah," Steve said, snapping out of his thoughts. "Sure."
"Okay," Danny said with a concerned look on his face. "I´ll see you later then."
Steve did it again, Danny thought to himself. He had completely zoned out of a conversation while they were still talking. He was doing it more and more often as the days passed by, and despite his body healing slowly, he wasn´t getting any better. Quite the opposite, and Danny was beginning to get worried.
It was the little things like this he noticed. The nightmares Steve thought Danny didn´t know about, the haunted look in his eyes when something triggered another flashback, the constant anxiousness and angry outbursts for no apparent reason, the empty bottle on the lanai after another sleepless night. Also, the fact Steve didn´t want to spend time anywhere near the beach was beyond suspicious and Danny hadn´t figured out a reason his friend didn´t like his favorite spot anymore just yet.
And Steve´s breakdown last night was another thing on the list. Even though it was to be expected, it hurt like hell to see his strong and fearless friend so hurt and vulnerable, to watch him cry and not be able to do anything to make him feel better. Hearing Steve admit how helpless and scared he felt back there was like a punch in the gut. As he let Steve speak about what had happened, he realized his imagination hadn´t been that far from reality and now he couldn´t get those images out of his head.
He thought he would be able to help more if he knew. But he was wrong. He couldn´t do anything about the gnawing guilt eating Steve up and he wasn´t sure that would ever go away after what had happened to his men.
"Danny, are you with us?"
Danny looked up, realizing he´d been deep in thoughts, and found himself being stared at by his colleague´s worried faces. "Yeah, I´m listening," he lied.
"Are you all right? Maybe you should take a few more days off," Kono suggested.
He shook his head no. "I´ve been off for weeks. Besides, the Governor wants me here."
"I´m sure we could explain it to her," Lou chimed in.
"No. I want to give Steve some space anyway, you know?"
After a moment of tense silence, it was Chin who spoke up. "What about you?" he asked. "I mean, we all know Steve wants some alone time, but that doesn´t mean you have to be here. You´ve been through a lot too and maybe you could get some time for yourself too. Spend time with the kids and catch up on sleep."
"Yeah, we can take care of both - work and the boss," Kono said.
There was no doubt they would. But when Danny wasn´t with Steve, the wheels in his head were working overtime, and he needed a way to take his mind off the things for a little while. Work seemed like a good way to do so. "I´m fine, thanks. And I´m staying so stop looking at me like that and tell me more about the case we´ve got, would you?"
Reluctantly, his friends summed up all they had, and Danny tried his best to focus and listen, but he couldn´t help his mind running back to Steve, wondering how was he doing the first day on his own. He kept checking his phone every few minutes, but there were no missed calls or texts, and for Steve´s sake he had to resist the urge to call and ask. Knowing his stubborn friend, he knew better than to trust Steve to call him when he needed help, so he hated the idea of leaving him alone.
He was sitting in the office and fumbling with his phone when Chin knocked on the door and let himself in.
"You sure you´re all right, brah?" Chin asked, making his way to Danny´s desk.
"Yeah," Danny said, not sure about that anymore.
Chin didn´t seem to buy it anyway. "You look tired, man."
He was. Tired. Exhausted. The constant worry about Steve´s wellbeing was draining him more than he wanted to admit. "Had a rough night, that´s all."
Chin nodded in understanding. "How is he doing?" he asked after a moment.
"Not good," Danny breathed out. "Well, physically, he´s getting better. But I´m worried about him, Chin."
"Anything we can do?" Chin asked.
Wishing it was that simple, Danny shook his head no. "I don´t know. I don´t think he will ever get over the deaths of his teammates. Not after everything else he´d been through this time and all the years before Five-0."
"Survivor guilt," Chin said in a low voice. It was a statement, not a question. And there was no doubt behind it.
"I guess." Danny leaned back in his chair and met Chin´s scrutinizing gaze. "I don´t know what to do."
"You´re doing everything you can, Danny," Chin said. "We just have to be there for him, let him know he´s loved and that we´re here for him. There isn´t much more we can do."
He considered telling Chin there was more to it. That he´d done his research and that everything suggested Steve suffered from PTSD on top of everything else. But he´d changed his mind right after he opened his mouth.
"What about you?" Chin asked, tearing Danny from his thoughts.
Danny breathed out a sigh. "I´m fine, really. Just worried," he said.
Chin shook his head. "You know, you two are kinda the same when it comes to asking for help," he said.
He was about to argue he wasn´t as stubborn as Steve, but Chin didn´t let him.
"This had been hard for you too, Danny," Chin said. "You stayed by his side for weeks and now you´re on alert basically nonstop. But you have to take care of yourself too, otherwise you´ll burn yourself up soon and you´ll be no good to Steve like that anyway."
Danny couldn´t argue with that.
"I´m not asking you to leave Steve to deal with everything on his own," Chin continued when Danny remained silent. "I´m just saying you don´t have to do it all alone. He´s our friend too. Take a break sometimes, and any of us will gladly take over for a couple of hours or days."
"I know, but…"
"No but, Danny," Chin stopped him. "You do it. And start right now. Go home, get some sleep, and a few hours for yourself before you go back to Steve´s place. If you want to spend a night at home, just say so and one of us will stay with him."
There was no way Danny was going to stay away for the night, but the offer suddenly didn´t seem so bad. "Okay, but only a couple of hours," he agreed after a while. "Thanks."
Chin gave him a light pat on the back. "No problem," he said with a smile stretched on his face. "And if you want to talk, you know where to find me."
"You´re a good friend, Chin Ho Kelly," Danny said. "You know that, right?"
"Come on, I´m just taking care of my ohana." Chin nudged Danny to get up and moving. "Now, go get some rest."
Reluctantly, Danny agreed and headed home. After all, Steve could give him a call at any time and he would be on his way. And Chin promised Steve wouldn´t be alone while Danny wasn´t there. So knowing they both had great people around them gave him some peace of mind. Hopefully, it would be enough to get some shuteye before starting the vicious cycle all over again.
*to be continued*
Okay, this story is waaay longer than I wanted it to be, so I think I will speed things up a little bit and "jump" in time a few months forward in the next chapter. Let me know what you think.
And as always, I'll be grateful for any reviews because they always make my day.