Chapter 28: A fall
Elizabeth found herself in the company of her husband more often than the previous weeks. He engaged himself in their daily routines, and she found his presence unsettling. He spent time with them in the music room and nursery. She could not admit to herself that she yearned for his company. They had conversations on various subjects in the library. They never discussed anything about their personal lives. Elizabeth admired his intelligence and his subtle humour, which he rarely exhibited. She could see glimpses of the real Fitzwilliam Darcy when he let his guard down with her in their insightful conversations.
Darcy, on the other hand, found a compelling need to get to know more about her. She was liked by the staff. She knew most of the tenants by their names when they met in church. He could see the respect she had gained in a few weeks. Elizabeth paid visits to the tenants with compassion for the people, and she insisted Georgiana on accompanying her as often as possible. Darcy could see the visible change in his shy sister. Elizabeth impressed him in more ways than one.
The hint of discomfort she displayed when he was around tortured him. She must hate me, after all my accusations and ill-treatment. He did not know to disclose his change of heart to her.
After declaring so bluntly that I needed proof to believe her innocence. How do I convey my growing feelings for her? She has been so affectionate towards Emma and Georgiana. What if she thinks that I am compensating her for her service to Pemberley?
Could our relationship ever turn into anything meaningful without knowing the truth about our union?
He paced his room in the nights, unable to come up with answers.
He often looked at the door that connected his room to hers. Sometimes he was afraid that his self-control might betray him. There was an undeniable physical attraction towards her. He feared that it would overtake his rational behavior.
They were expecting Jane and Bingley in a week. Elizabeth was excited to see her sister. She kept herself busy with the household duties. Mrs Reynolds was extremely impressed with her young mistress. But she was wise beyond her years. She knew something was amiss between the couple. They displayed no intimacy that was evident of a newly married couple. She could see that her master admired his wife very much.
But what could be wrong? She thought and hoped that there was nothing serious to worry about.
One evening Darcy found Elizabeth and Emma in the drawing-room, and he was intrigued by their pretend play.
He could not but smile at the beautiful sight before him.
Elizabeth was on a knee crawling around the room, with Emma seated on her.
"Go, pony go. Go fast!" Emma cried in joy.
Elizabeth circled the room, making neighing noises like a pony. She was oblivious to his presence.
He stood there watching them play, and Emma spotted him.
"Uncle Darcy, come soon. Libby pony is taking me to the fields."
He watched Elizabeth startle.
Elizabeth was embarrassed. She was worried how her dress might look from his position.
"Emma, please get down." She said firmly.
"No! Take me to the fields."
She watched her husband trying to hide his mirth.
"Emma, please get down." She struggled to get a hold of the child and was afraid that she would fall.
Darcy relished in her dilemma. Elizabeth saw the smirk on his face. Insufferable man.
"Will you get down now? Your uncle is here. I will not play this again with you if you don't listen to me." She said sternly.
"Yes. Emma, get down now." Darcy finally said, noticing his wife's scowl.
"Why? Do you want to ride on Libby now? I can give you a turn."
"Emma, what nonsense!" Elizabeth cried in mortification. Her cheeks turned red as she blushed.
Darcy thought she looked stunning when she blushed. He wondered how it would be to witness her blushes more intimately.
He carried Emma off her back, and Elizabeth got up self-consciously. She straightened her dress, and Darcy looked away reluctantly to give her privacy.
"Libby, don't get up it is uncle Darcy's turn." Emma cried.
Darcy laughed.
"And what is so funny, sir?" She asked, raising her eyebrows.
"I expected to find only one child here." He said.
So, he is teasing me now.
"Uncle Darcy, why don't you be Spartan? I can ride on you." Emma asked him.
"Yes, Uncle Darcy. Please do." Elizabeth said mischievously. Darcy immediately got down on the floor, and Elizabeth placed Emma on his back.
She watched him act like his horse, and Emma squealed in joy.
Beautiful family! She thought. It pained her to admit that she could never be a real part of his family. Her heart ached when she thought about her position in his life. She did not want his wealth or status as his wife. She felt a deep desire to experience a minute percentage of the love he showered on his sister and Emma. It could never be. He has declared it.
It was almost two months since they were married, and she knew there was nothing between them. Do I love him? How could I feel anything for this proud man who refuses to see the real me? He just wants proof? Maybe I can try to hunt for the truth? But is that how I want to win his affection?
Darcy noticed the seriousness on her face.
"Elizbeth, are you all right?" He asked with concern.
"Oh! yes, I was just thinking about...", she paused and bit her lip. "It is nothing. Emma, shall we head upstairs?"
"But I want to play some more time."
"You can play tomorrow. Mrs Thomson will be waiting for us." Darcy watched her leave. He was getting accustomed to the pain he felt when he was deprived of her company. How long can I go without revealing my feelings? He wondered.
The next day dawned, and Elizabeth went about her routine without the slightest idea how the day was going to end.
Georgiana and Elizabeth often took a picnic basket and spent time by the lake. Emma and her nanny had accompanied them that evening. They sat on the lush green slopes and watched the ducks in the lake. Emma was always excited to see the birds.
"We never brought her out this much, Mrs Darcy. I think the fresh air and sun does wonders for her growth."
"That is true. I always enjoyed the outdoors. I used to be out even in the winter."
"Lizzy, Derbyshire winters are terrible. I hope you will not venture out during a snowstorm here." Georgiana asked, genuinely concerned.
"I cannot promise you anything." Elizabeth replied playfully.
"Libby, look, there is a big duck." Emma said.
"That is a swan, Emma. It is not a duck."
"Can you take me closer?"
Elizabeth was hesitant.
"Please, Libby, I want to see it."
"Very well. But we cannot go close to the water."
She carried Emma and reached the shore of the lake. The water was beautiful, and the evening sun glimmered on the ripples.
"Look, the swan is coming towards us." Emma cried in excitement. "Can you put me down?"
"No, Emma. We can watch from here."
"But I want to see the swan."
Elizabeth walked a few more steps closer to the water, and suddenly her dress got caught in a bush.
She tried to free herself, but the thorns pricked through her delicate gown. Without a choice, she stood the child down. With one hand she tried to free her dress. The thorns pricked her fingers, and she instinctively let go of Emma in pain. What happened next took Elizabeth by surprise. In a fraction of a second, the excited child left her and ran towards the lake.
"Emma! Stop!" She cried in horror.
She pulled hard on her gown, and it ripped. She watched in horror as Emma ran towards the water and fell in.
Georgiana, and Mrs Thomson ran towards them in shock. But Elizabeth was able to free herself and jumped into the water before the child could drift away. She pulled Emma out. Both of them were completely soaked.
"Emma, I am so sorry, dear. Are you all right?" She asked in torment. Elizabeth felt the child shiver.
"Mrs Darcy, we need to warm her. Oh! No! You are drenched as well."
"Don't bother about me. Let us get to the house quickly." She wrapped one of the picnic blankets around Emma.
Oh! God! How careless I have been. She cursed herself. She could have drowned; I can never forgive myself.
They ran indoors, and the housekeeper was horrified to see their state.
"Mrs Darcy, you need to change. You are soaking. I can arrange for maids to help Mrs Thomson."
"But Emma is shivering. Please send for the doctor."
"Lizzy, you need to change as well. You are completely soaked." Georgiana took her to her chambers.
"I can never forgive myself. I let her fall into the lake." She cried, unable to control her emotions.
"It was an accident. We saw what happened. You were so careful."
"I shouldn't have let her down. She wanted to see the swan. Oh! God! What will I tell your brother?"
Georgiana knew her brother would be angry beyond reason.
When Darcy returned home after his ride, he immediately knew that something was amiss. The housekeeper looked troubled.
"What happened?"
She reluctantly explained to him about the incident at the lake. Darcy was horrified.
"This is atrocious. How could they take Emma near the lake?" He ran up to the nursery. The doctor was already there. Emma looked a little pale and Darcy was agitated.
"How is she?"
"There is nothing to worry about. Some soup and a good night's sleep will help her feel her self tomorrow."
Elizabeth joined them by the time the doctor was about to leave. "Is she all right?" She asked in concern.
"Do not worry, Mrs Darcy. She looks all right."
Once the doctor left, Darcy summoned them to the drawing-room.
Elizabeth could see that he was enraged.
"How did this happen?" He asked, trying to contain his anger.
Elizabeth related the events without trying to defend her actions. Darcy stared at her with cold eyes.
"I would like to speak with my wife alone. You may leave." He said to Georgiana and Mrs Thomson.
Elizabeth knew that she had nothing to defend herself, and she did not want to. She was angry at herself more than her husband.
Darcy tried hard to control his emotions. He had trusted her with his family, and she had failed him.
He stood facing the fireplace, and Elizabeth could not bear the silence any longer.
"I know you are angry at me. I assure you I feel the same way. I was very careless, and I know the seriousness of my actions. I am truly sorry."
"You are sorry? It is that easy for you, isn't it?" He glared at her.
"How dare you expose Emma to such dangers? You reasoned with me that children are bound to get hurt as they grow. So, did you do this just to prove a point or to enrage me? You cannot ramble around in the outdoors like you did in Hertfordshire."
Elizabeth felt dizzy. Her hair was still damp, and her head throbbed.
"We take Emma out to see the lake often. I committed a mistake by taking her near the water. I would never knowingly put her in danger."
"Just because I gave you the right to be the mistress of this house and a member of my family, do not think you can go about your life just as you wish. This is not Hertfordshire. You cannot drag my family to the outdoors without a footman or expose them to such danger. I cannot forgive such recklessness."
Your family! He is right. I can never be one of them.
It bothered her that she did not feel angry at him. Maybe he is right. He can never forgive me for anything I do because he holds me in contempt for the compromise.
She suddenly felt weak and did not want to collapse in his presence.
Darcy watched her countenance turn white. He was so angry that he failed to see her shivering.
"I do not want you to make any decisions on Emma and Georgiana's life. I do not want you to take her to any tenant visits as well. Do you understand?"
Elizabeth felt too weak to argue. She nodded her head in compliance. She was not accustomed to following instructions blindly. She knew how much he cared for the little girl and it pained her to have lost his trust.
Georgiana was waiting for her outside. "Lizzy, are you all right? Was he angry?"
"I am fine. How is Emma?"
"She is asleep. She is well. Your hair is still wet."
"I will take care of it. I won't be joining you for supper."
"You look pale. Are you unwell?"
"No, Georgi, I just want to rest."
Georgiana was not sure. During supper, she found the courage to talk to her brother.
"Fitzwilliam, please do not be angry at Lizzy. She has been very caring towards Emma."
"You need not support her. She accepted that it was her fault. I cannot have her risking your lives by such ruthless behavior."
"Don't be so harsh on her. She saved Emma."
"That would not have been necessary if she had been careful."
"We picnic on the grass often. Emma does not join us all the time. Lizzy always takes the utmost care of her. Nothing like this has happened before." Darcy was surprised to see that his sister standing up for his wife.
"Did she send you to defend her?"
"No, absolutely not. She did not tell me anything. She did not even tell me that you were angry at her. Fitzwilliam, I like her so much. She has been so kind to us. Please do not be angry at her."
Darcy did not answer his sister. They ate in silence. He could not forgive her. Emma is the only good thing that came out of my decision to bring Anne here. I cannot risk her safety at any cost, even if it costs the domestic harmony with my wife. He went to bed without the slightest idea that his wife was asleep in the adjacent room burning with fever.