Chapter title is a lyric from "Say" by Sleeping At Last. This is kind of a long chapter – there was a lot to cover, dialogue-wise.

Hope you enjoy! There WILL be (eventual) happy and fluffy times ahead, I swear. I feel like it would be a complete disservice though not to explore what a confusing, stressful time this would have been for the two of them.

. .
. .

Chapter 28. The Landscape of Being

Addison falls asleep in Mark's arms and wakes up the same way; such an action offers her a sense of security that her life has been lacking for a long time. Even when Derek was here, even when they cuddled and things were good in their marriage, it didn't feel quite like this. She does not know how to explain it; being held by Mark is just different.

Her back feels warm from where it is positioned against Mark's chest. It is comforting to be held like this – to be loved like this – so the urge to drift back to sleep would be easy if it were not for the light currently hitting her square in the face. Slivers of early morning sunlight are curving through the linen curtains covering a wall of floor-to-ceiling windows in Mark's bedroom; he neglected to slide the panels all the way together last night (or maybe she neglected to as well, because Addison realizes that if she's going to be staying here – indefinitely? – perhaps this is now a we problem).

Addison wiggles out of Mark's embrace and goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth, wash her face, and run her fingers through her hair. Once she has made a few minor, mostly unconcerned attempts to make herself look more presentable (one benefit to getting older: not being as self-conscious about the man she is sleeping with seeing what she looks like first thing in the morning), she returns to the nightstand where she left her phone to charge, along with her glasses. She sees the lingering missed call from Derek still on the lock screen, and now a text from Savvy.

Hey you! Hope you had a fun birthday. Tuesday still works for dinner and drinks, but I'm actually free today if you're around for a late lunch? Weiss's sister had to cancel plans with us…just in case you want to sneak in there and prove you would've been the better choice for godmother. ;)

Addison smiles and types out a reply to her friend while slipping out of the bedroom. Lunch sounds like a good idea; she's put off telling Savvy the truth for long enough, and this gives her something to do that is just for her, not Mark. It's a good, transition-ish step, the chance to ease into this whole living together thing. Staying here means learning to factor one another into each other's lives more, to be both a unit and individuals. Addison doesn't know if Mark has any Saturday plans, or really what his regular weekends "look like" at all. She knows he sometimes plays tennis or goes to the gym or for a run, and there are of course other activities that involve women…but she doesn't want to think about that part. They haven't talked about that yet; she wonders if maybe it's on her to bring it up.

It occurs to her that she can't deny the undercurrent of excitement she is feeling, that unique giddiness that comes from getting to live with someone you love (never mind that theirs is a very strange situation and everything is pretty messed up right now). Addison also thinks – as she experimentally opens and closes a few of Mark's kitchen cabinets until she locates the coffee mugs – about the fact that she doesn't want to call Derek back, not just because she suspects whatever he wants to tell her probably isn't going to make her life any simpler, but also because it means having to separate herself from this time with Mark. And she doesn't want to do that. I want to be with you, she thinks, and the weight of this realization stuns her. Living with Mark implies a permanence that she was not allowed to actively pursue before. Daydream about, perhaps. But actually follow through with it? Addison contemplates as she hears Mark's footsteps coming down the hall. No.

"I like you in glasses," Mark says from the kitchen entryway. He doesn't get to see her in them often, but then, he's never really gotten the chance to have a more domestic life with her, either. "They're cute," he adds, trying not to wince at how ridiculous the word cute seems coming from his mouth. The truth is the glasses are hot, actually.

Addison turns towards Mark and offers him a sleepy smile. He concurs with the tiredness remaining on her face; it is too early to be up, but he heard her in the kitchen, and felt like maybe it would be rude to just go back to sleep.

"Thanks. So…you'll have to teach me how to use this thing." Addison gestures towards Mark's large, stainless steel espresso machine. He chuckles and comes over to help her. "It's sort of intimidating," she continues. "All these buttons and this…this wand thing on the side. I just want a cup of black coffee. Basic black coffee. Maybe a little creamer if you have any, but…but, yeah." Addison smiles up at him and a giggle pulls her lips apart. "This machine is insane, Mark."

"Black coffee is definitely an option, but I can make a mean bone dry cappuccino with this thing, too." Mark nudges Addison's hip to get her to step to the side. "I'll make today's cup for you," he says, skimming his lips over her temple first.

. .
. .

"What are you doing?" Addison frowns when she glances up from the list in her hand and sees Archer taking books off her bookcase. He is fanning them out across her bedroom floor, and although Addison is low-key annoyed, she is certain her brother can see a benevolent smile lingering beneath the frown; she can never help it with him. "All I need is for you to look over this list and see if there's anything you think would be a waste to bring, and things that are missing. I'm relying on you to be my expert, since you have a year of dorm-living under your belt."

"I know, I know – just indulge me. I'm trying to guess which books you're going to bring with you." Archer lifts up a worn copy of The Lady, or the Tiger? "You still have this one? You got upset when Bizzy read it because it's a you-pick ending. It stressed you out; you always have to have the answers."

"You're remembering wrong…in what world would Bizzy be the one reading us books?" It's not an entirely fair remark; Addison knows their mother did read to them on occasion when they were little, just not often. That was more of a nanny task.

"Yeah, good point."

"Hey…Arch? About Paul…" she begins, referring to the roommate Archer had last year at Yale. She doesn't really know the guy – she met him once when she and her parents went to New Haven for the annual Harvard-Yale football game, and Archer briefly stopped by their seats with him before going back to the student section. But Addison figures mentioning Paul is the easiest way to dive into this conversation. "Was it…was it easy to become friends with him? Like, did you get along from the start? I'm just…sort of nervous about making friends at Columbia, and having a roommate."

"You don't have anything to worry about. Freshmen are basically salivating to make friends. You'll find classmates and people in your dorm who will want to connect with you – and joining clubs or whatever helps, too. Usually your roommate is your first college friend though, even if you eventually end up moving on and finding other friends – Paul and I get along great, but we definitely just clicked more with other people, you know?"

"I'm worried we won't click at all, and that…that she won't like me. You've always been better at social stuff than I have. I don't even know much about her. She's been in Europe most of the summer, so we haven't really gotten to talk on the phone or exchange many emails," Addison tells her brother. Her future roommate is named Savannah. Savannah Jacobs from outside-of-Pittsburgh. That's really all Addison knows.

"Savannah?" Archer says when she shares this detail. He raises an intrigued eyebrow. "That's a hot girl name."

"Not helpful."

"Right, sorry. Okay, being serious now: you're going to be fine. You're a nice, thoughtful person, Addison – Potentially Hot Savannah would be lucky to count you as a friend. And think about how far you've come. Remember how shy you were when we were kids? You always talked with your head down, and making eye contact was tough for you. I talked for you, it felt like, but somewhere along the way you learned to keep you chin up and be a little bit brave. It's cliché, but just be yourself. You're going to meet people at college and I promise you won't be lonely or alone. And hey, you can call me whenever you want to…but I really do think you're going to be fine."

Addison believes that her big brother – as loving, kind, and protective as he is towards her – has inherited some of their parents' worst qualities. Archer can be arrogant and selfish. He's a womanizer – a manwhore, even. She thinks he'll be a great doctor one day, but she has a feeling his patients will all be a means to an end, a way to just recount stories at parties or something. Archer is sort of a tourist in other people's lives, taking what he wants and discarding the rest.

But he is annoyingly right about a lot of things.

Addison meets her roommate a few weeks later. She is unpacking her clothes in her new dorm room alone (Bizzy and the Captain helped her bring her stuff in, but that was it – Addison suspects helping her get settled and ensuring she feels comfortable isn't really their thing, and honestly, she's okay with that). Every once in a while she anxiously glances towards the door. Carman Hall is noisy as first-year girls flit around, carting their possessions into their new double rooms.

Finally, in the early afternoon, a tall, thin blonde with a wide smile knocks on the door and pokes her head into the half-claimed room.

"Savannah?" Addison asks uncertainly, and the girl nods back.

"Addison, hi." Savvy walks across the room and pulls Addison in for a quick hug. "You can call me Savvy. It's so nice to finally meet you."

"It's nice…" it takes Addison a moment to finish the thought. She hadn't expected the hug. "It's nice to meet you, too."

"Come on, come with me." Savvy grabs onto her elbow, tugging lightly. "My parents are parking right now; they're dying to meet you, too. My mom is sorta chatty so I'm sure she'll ask you all about yourself while they're helping me unpack, but I promise they'll both be out of our hair soon and then we can actually hang out and get to know each other."

Addison calls Archer the following night to tell him that he was right: she has nothing to worry about.

. .
. .

"I think I'm going to call Derek back now," Addison says uneasily after they have finished their coffee. Mark just mentioned showering, so this seems like it might be perfect timing. "Would it be okay if I -"

"Sure," Mark interjects, waving a hand down the hall. "You can use the office if you want."

The office. More like the Four Corners – he remembers Addison referring to his second bedroom this way once, and it makes sense. Mark has a desk in one corner, and the other remaining areas are taken up by a full-sized bed, a treadmill that has been folded up against the wall, and a couple storage bins filled with things from his childhood that Everett gave him. When Mark moved here several years ago from his East Village studio, ready to be closer to the practice he was going to be opening and ready to occupy something one could classify as a luxury apartment, he opted for a two-bedroom unit. He planned to turn the second room into an office, but it ended up being easier to just work late at his practice. The spare room is subsequently still unfinished, its original intent almost forgotten. It's more of a bragging point than anything else now: a large two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan with a single occupant. At any rate, Mark is sure what he has done with the room (or has not done) probably offends Addison's inner interior designer.

Addison closes the door to the sort-of-office behind her, and sits down on the bed. She waits until she hears the shower running before she calls. One ring, two rings, three rings. Mountain Time, she reminds herself; maybe it's still too early.

But then Derek answers on the last ring before voicemail, and Addison feels sick to her stomach as they talk, as he talks. Her cheeks tingle and her mouth goes painfully dry in a way that indicates she might faint.

"You're really not coming back," she whispers, struggling to drive the words out.

"I'm not coming back."

Pride and anger and resentment do not cover the entirety of their transcontinental divide. Derek doesn't love her. Or he's not in love with her anymore. This is not a part of their discussion, but Addison understands this now…or maybe she has understood it for a while, but is only just now able to admit it. The love Derek had for her when distance settled into their marriage was historical, familial. Nothing more. It was not about their present or their future. I want to spend my life with you, Derek said when he proposed. It was not an entire lifetime – all of his life, all of his days – that he promised. Addison has thought about that on occasion in the past few years, when fractures stretching out like spider webs initially appeared in the relationship.

Love does not go away in a single second, Addison thinks. Derek did not stop loving her when he caught her in bed with Mark; he had already stopped loving her in the way a husband is supposed to love a wife long before that. Months. Maybe even a year. Maybe two. Adultery was just the reason to have an out, to not be the bad guy for leaving his wife. If Derek was still in love with her – if he felt there was even a chance he was still in love with her – then he wouldn't have put an entire country between them without a return ticket. Addison knows this now.

If Derek really loved her, he would be coming back. Not moving to Seattle.

. .
. .

"I hope you guys are investing in a new bookcase," Savvy says as she scrutinizes Addison's shelves. "Or a ton of crates or something, because there's no way all of Derek's books are going to fit on this thing too. Your doctor-y textbooks alone are like the size of an unabridged Tolstoy novel."

Addison smiles tightly. She didn't realize how often early adulthood means cutting your stuff in half in order to make everything fit – especially when you're moving in with someone. She is grateful for Savvy's help today though, that her friend was able to carve out time to assist Addison in starting to pack up her Morningside Heights apartment. It has been a few weeks since the two women have seen each other; Addison thought law school and studying for the bar exam was busy for her friend, but it turns out that Savvy's first year as part of the legal staff at the Manhattan DA's Office is even busier. Being adult, non-college friends is different, because Addison is certainly just as unavailable as Savvy most of the time with her final year of med school approaching, but there is something comforting about the fact that even when weeks pass without them seeing one another, it's like they haven't missed a beat when they finally do manage to get together. And Addison would rather have Savvy here this afternoon than anyone else. In some ways, Naomi is her closest friend now, because their entire lives revolve around becoming doctors – it is what binds them together. But Savvy is still one of Addison's best friends, and in a way Addison feels like Savvy understands her better, especially all her worries and quirks, which are on full display at the moment.

"Yeah," Addison says, "a new bookcase is on 'the list' of things we know we're going to need to get. Derek has all this sports memorabilia he's going to want to bring that I hate and I'm hoping I can find a way to stylishly hide some of it on a new bookcase, even though the concept of something other than books on a bookcase will absolutely blow his mind…and just." She gives Savvy a troubled look. "We're going to be sharing a bathroom. One. Bathroom. One, Savvy." Addison nearly shudders at the thought. Moving in with Derek is the right next step; they have been dating for a respectable amount of time and have discussed marriage. Addison suspects the proposal is coming in the next year or so. She is excited to move in with Derek – they are sticking with an apartment near campus for now – but she is also a little nervous and…reluctant, even though she feels like she could never disclose that.

Savvy smirks. "Speaking of minds being blown…his is gonna be blown when he finds out that you put your makeup on half-dressed, just standing in front of the mirror in your bra pushing your boobs together while you're applying mascara and -"

"That is not why I do that. And I don't…it's just so that -"

"But for real, don't worry about sharing a bathroom. As much as boys love to pretend otherwise, they know that girls poop."

"Savvy, ew. I meant just more…sharing small spaces. There's sort of no escaping each other now, and I love Derek, but -"

"You'll adjust," Savvy assures her. "It's okay that it's a little scary; I was freaked out, too. And you'll still do things separately and find ways to have privacy from each other, even in just six-hundred-something square feet. The first few days of living together are the easiest. That's how I felt with Weiss, at least. It's sort of like when you first start dating – you're on your best behavior. And then, well, then living together feels completely fucked for a bit, but then it gets good. It gets great. You'll see; it's a lot of fun to live with someone you love."

Addison does adjust, and so does Derek. And it is fun. Yes, she finds herself pushing chairs in constantly (Derek never does this when he stands up) and working harder to not let her toiletries take up an unreasonable amount of sink space and they both load the dishwasher in entirely different ways and Derek is sort of confused by the amount of throw blankets Addison owns, but it does end up being great and all of Addison's initial worries and concerns disappear.

And anything with the word home? Oh, wow. There is something so exciting about getting to tell Derek see you at home or I'll be home around six.

They make it work. They love living together because they love each other. And their love didn't need escape routes back then.

. .
. .

"You talked to him?" Mark says when Addison comes back into the living room. He finished his shower a while ago, and he has not heard any noise from the office in quite some time. He elected to sit down and turn the TV on for background noise, trying to distract himself, and wanting to appear nonchalant-looking whenever Addison emerged again.

"Yes." Addison stops a few feet in front of him. Mark can see now that her eyes are watery, and her face holds the pale, weary quality of someone who has been crying. "He's going to Seattle."

"Run out of trout along the Colorado River?" It's a stupid joke, but Mark doesn't know how to explain that he cares where Derek is and that he misses him and that he's sorry, but that he also wants Derek to stay away. One weekend. We can't even have one fucking weekend without him, Mark thinks, and he feels ashamed for having such a thought; he didn't realize heartbreak could feel so greedy. "What's in Seattle?"

"A…a job."

"A job?" He repeats, getting to his feet. A consult, he thinks. Addison means a consult, or a surgery that someone wants the best neurosurgeon on the East Coast to take the lead on.

"Yeah," Addison answers, voice small. "At Seattle Grace. Richard emailed Derek a few weeks ago, apparently, to let him know he was going to be in need of a new Neuro Department Head this summer. I'm sure a promise of the future chief position was discussed, too; Richard is nearing retirement age. Derek never mentioned it to me…but he…I guess he said 'no' at the time. Which makes sense, because his life – and wife – are in Manhattan. But then he…he called Richard yesterday to see if the job was still available. And it…it was. It is. So he's in Seattle. Well. He'll be there tomorrow or Monday, actually. I looked it up. It's like a twenty-hour drive to Seattle from where he is in Colorado."

Mark shakes his head, still trying to process this. "He's really not coming back?"

"No. It's a permanent position. A contract and everything. Kurt and Russell are going to buy Derek out of the practice…and he asked his receptionist to notify his patients. And…and Chief Patel, too. He emailed her. I need to…I need to go home soon." Addison is babbling now, thoughts disjointed in the way they always get when she is rattled to the core. She shakes her head hard, and strands of hair flutter wildly along the sides of her head. "And get…get more clothes and stuff…and…God, I have to go back to work on Monday and I haven't been there in a week and I…I…I'm going to get lunch today with a friend and…" she squeezes her eyes shut, and Mark sees the moment her knees go weak, the way she sways forward without control. "Oh. I'm…I feel…"

"I gotcha, I gotcha." Mark is there in an instant, but she practically falls into his arms anyway before he can catch her. "It's okay." He half-carries, half-drags her to the couch, pulling her down into his lap.

"Mark…"

"You're okay," he replies, and his voice feels so far away, but somehow both too quiet and too loud in Addison's ears all at once. He rests his palm against her warm cheek, and shushes her when she tries to talk, tries to apologize. "Just rest for a bit, Red. It'll pass; you're just a little dizzy, that's all."

"How very Victorian of me…" Addison acknowledges a few minutes later, smiling weakly. The lightheadedness and spotty vision have retreated now. "Overcome with the vapors," she adds, tone somewhat good-humored as she scoots out of Mark's lap. "I'm okay. I think I need to just stay sitting a little longer. And…God. How embarrassing. I'm sorry about this."

"Don't be." Mark brushes his knuckles against her jawbone, noting the color finally returning to her face. He feels relieved; Addison nearly fainting scared him. "You're allowed to be in pain. You're allowed to be sad. And while it wasn't initially on the list of things I expected, you're also allowed to get lightheaded, too." The doctor in him takes over then, probing for more information. "Has this ever happened before?"

"Once in church."

"Get lost or something?" Mark can't help messing with her for this. He knows Addison at least went into a church on purpose one time though: her wedding. It's important to her parents, he recalls Derek saying. I'd just as soon marry her at a courthouse, but Bizzy and the Captain want a whole thing, which means that Addie wants a whole thing, too. Like, the fairytale wedding thing.

"WASPs go to church on Christmas," Addison tells Mark. "And that time it was just…too hot in there and the coat Bizzy had me wear was heavy, and…" she shakes her head. "I'm okay. I mean. I'm not okay, but I am okay."

"I get it. Only having coffee in your stomach probably isn't helping either. And maybe getting up too quickly. I can make some toast -"

"No. Not…not yet. Sorry, I just – I don't think I can eat yet; I still feel nauseous. I'm okay though, Mark. You don't have to be worried. And you…" Addison breaks off with a sigh. "You can take it back, if you want. Me living here."

Mark grimaces. "Why would I take it back?"

"Yesterday was the exception, but I feel like all I do lately is cry, and my crying doesn't really seem to have an expiration date. I know Derek is your best friend and you're sorry for hurting him, but in your ideal scenario, I would file for divorce and only be with you. And that…that's not something…" Addison shrugs helplessly, eyes filling with tears again. "I don't know. I'm a mess right now, so I'm just saying that if you want to take it back, you can."

Do you want me to take it back? he wants to ask.

"I don't want to take it back, Red," Mark replies, drawing in a long breath. "And you're not…you're not a burden to me when you're upset, you know. So you don't have to run or hide. I do want more, but I know that…I know that can't happen right away, and that…that might not be what you ultimately want. And I've been told…I mean." He briefly rubs her shoulder, trying to be reassuring. "I know that you don't know what you want right now or what your next steps are, and I need to be patient. So I'm here for whatever you need."

He hates how much kindness is starting to feel like a weakness.

Addison considers this statement for a moment, turning Mark's words over in her head. And then she realizes. "How much does Lynette know?" She asks him, unable to keep the irritation out of her voice.

"Well…almost everything," Mark admits. "Oh, come on," he adds defensively when Addison scowls at him (an encouraging sign that she's feeling better, at least). "Like Nai and Sassy don't know?"

"Savvy. Savvy, not Sassy. She's not the cat from Homeward Bound."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but…okay. Savvy. Don't she and -"

"They don't know yet, actually," Addison says. "I'm planning to grab lunch with Savvy today though and I'm going to tell her. I need to start getting ready, actually. I'll probably go to the brownstone first so I can get some more things."

"Okay. I have an extra key somewhere around here…I'll find it and give it to you before you leave so that you have it for when you come back tonight."

When you come back tonight. Mark wonders if it sounds too presumptuous, or worse, if it sounds like a threat. He studies Addison's face, but it is too hard to tell what she might be thinking. It occurs to him that love sometimes feels like a weapon with her.

. .
. .

"Hey!" Savvy says brightly when she answers the call from Addison around eleven. "Sorry I didn't respond to your last text. Things just got too busy around here, and oh my gosh, Addie – Phoebe started smiling last night. Real, non-tummy-related-things smiles. I'm going to send you so many pictures when we hang up. Did you want to come over here first so you can see her? Maybe around twelve-thirty or one? I thought just the two of us could do lunch and the third wheel can -"

"Hey," Addison cuts in. "Um, Sav. Wait. Yes, but um, I'm calling to tell you that it…it finally happened. With Derek."

Savvy exhales tensely. "You told him?"

"No. The other…the less ideal scenario," she says, and a long silence follows as Savvy digests this revelation. "This is the part where you get to say, 'I told you so.'"

"I would never say that."

"I'm just saying that you could if you wanted," Addison replies wryly. She tells Savvy a little more about last Saturday, explaining when and where they were caught, and just how far west Derek has gone to get away from her.

"I wish you'd told me sooner, Addie. I hate the thought of you just…are you at home right now?"

"Yes. I'm at home at…my home. Since Derek…he doesn't live here anymore. No – Sav," Addison protests when she hears her friend say something about coming over. "You do not have to do that. I know you suggested lunch, but I'm realizing…I'm not really in any shape to go out. I shouldn't have…anyway, you have a smiley six-week-old who you should be soaking up every minute with, and just…a nice, stable, non-adulterous life to live. I just wanted you to know, that's all. We can still do dinner on Tuesday like we planned; I'll be a little better by then."

"Nope. I'm coming over."

"Is Weiss okay with -"

"If this is the part where you ask if he's okay with watching his kid, I actually will come over to your house just to smack you. He's the dad, not the babysitter."

Addison winces. "Right. I know. I wasn't trying to say…I just feel so horrible for making you come over when -"

"Shut up. I'm coming anyway."

If Addison thought she felt guilty about Savvy hailing a cab from Tribeca and all but giving up her Saturday because Addison is an absolute human disaster at present, she feels even worse when Savvy gets here and immediately shifts into caretaker mode. It is all so humiliating. Addison's head is currently in Savvy's lap, and Savvy is stroking her hair, whispering words of comfort. Addison feels like such a baby, but she cannot bring herself to do anything other than cry and murmur subsequent apologies.

"Stop apologizing to me. But jeez, Addie…is the sex really that good with this guy?"

Was it worth it? Addison knows that is what Savvy is trying to ask.

She flushes at the directness of the question. "Yes," she confirms. "It's like try-to-climb-out-of-your-own-body good when it's happening, as crazy as that sounds. But it's not -"

"I know, I know. It's not just about sex with Mark. That was just for my own curiosity, since sex sounds like the most unappealing thing in the world right now – for me, at least. It felt like it took weeks for things to stop looking like the Carrie prom scene down there."

Addison immediately feels a flood of professional empathy. "You're not alone when it comes to not wanting to -"

"No, I know. Sex will happen when it happens. I'm not stressing about it – neither is Weiss. We're both way too tired. My heart beats for that little girl," Savvy says, giving Addison a warm smile as she peers down at her, "but I'm not doing this again. One and done. Anyway, how about you come stay with us tonight? I sort of…I'm sorry, but I sort of caved and told Weiss. Obviously he's not going to say anything to anyone, but…let us take care of you, Addie. You have one more day to be completely pampered before it's back to work, aka reality. Or Weiss can bring Phoebe here, and the three of us can have a girls' sleepover? That could be fun."

"I told Mark I'd stay with him. Not just tonight, I mean, but just…stay with him."

Savvy's hand stills against Addison's hair. "Ah. You're going to move in with him," she says slowly.

"Sort of. I mean. Well. Technically, yes. He asked me to stay with him, and I said 'yes.' So I guess that's happening now."

"I would seriously eat you alive on the witness stand. Just absolutely rip you to shreds on the cross," Savvy mutters. "Okay…okay. So you're staying with Mark, but you're still married for the time being, you still intend to use the same billing address, and you'll probably have to do some hopping back-and-forth between places…right? I'm not judging you, Addie. Honest to God, I'm not. I'm just trying to understand the current situation."

"You're correct. Your understanding is correct."

"Okay. So, first: you're still welcome at our place whenever you want, and if there are ever nights that you want to sleep here, I'm always available to come stay with you if you don't want to be alone. And if you want to spend the night at our place tonight…don't feel like it sets a bad precedent or something. You told Mark you'd stay with him; you didn't agree to anything more or less than that. But maybe…maybe living with Mark – staying with him – will be a good thing? I know you're super vulnerable right now, but I think spending time with Mark is going to have to happen in order for you to figure out your next steps. Like, if you want to be with him, or if you want to book a flight to see Derek and fight for him, or any other option you decide you want to pursue in which I will happily be your cheerleader. You're going to get through this. I'm sure it probably feels like your life is over, but it's not. I promise you: it's not. I just…I truly believe there are still so many beautiful things for you to look forward to. Nothing ends here. And you're not going to end up alone, if you're scared about that."

"I-I know," Addison chokes out. "Sometimes it just feels like…like everyone leaves me. And I know with Derek he had a reason to leave, so that's not -"

"I haven't left you. And there are lots of other people in your life who have no intention of leaving you."

"Bizzy tried to leave me," Addison says quietly. She doesn't want to talk about it, but it felt automatic; the words slipped out before she could even tell herself not to bring this up.

"When? What do you mean?"

"I'll…I'll explain another time. She's okay. She's fine. It was a long time ago." Addison tilts her head to look up at Savvy, who stares back at her with a confused expression. "It's okay, Sav. I'd rather – I'd rather not talk about it right now."

"Okay. You know…you asked me at your bachelorette party how I knew Weiss was 'the one,' because you said you didn't understand how anyone could know that anyone was the one with one-hundred percent certainty. You were absolutely shitcanned, and even if you weren't…I just figured it was pre-wedding jitters. I didn't think for a second -"

"I loved him," Addison interrupts. "Even when I was with Mark, I loved Derek. I still love Derek. And even though he doesn't love me anymore, probably hasn't in a while, I still…if I could turn that part of my heart off, I would. Believe me."

"I know. I'm not questioning that. Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud. You had a weird childhood where you didn't necessarily always feel loved. You were like a thing to trot around Connecticut society or something, not someone's child who had a metaphorical emotional cup that was never competently filled. I think it's just in your nature that if you feel like for even a moment that you might be less loved, you're going to catastrophize it in your head. Maybe not always act on it, but catastrophize it, yes. And sometimes people confuse other things for love. Like not wanting to be lonely or afraid or hurt. So just make sure if you stay with Mark…you're staying because you love him and want to find a way to make this work with him – because of you and him and what you have together. Not because you feel like you have to make this stick because your marriage is possibly over. Does that make sense?" Savvy waits until Addison gives her a feeble nod. "There are always other choices…it doesn't have to be one man or the other. And if you want to be with Mark, you should be with him because you love him, not because he's the one who didn't walk away. No one should ever be anyone's second choice. So make sure whatever choices you make are for you, Addie. You're not alone though, okay? I'm not leaving you. And…it really doesn't sound like Mark is going to leave you, either. I think he'd follow you anywhere, if you asked him to."

. .
. .

References/Nods to Various Episodes

Oh, boy. Kind of a lot – or just ones that involve lengthy explanations. And FYI, there will eventually be a flashback that includes more about the Addison/Derek Seattle conversation, just in case this felt like lazy writing. I am admittedly not a Derek fan, but I am doing my best to at least summon some sympathy for the guy throughout this portion of the fic, since what happened and what he walked in on really does fucking suck, regardless of how checked out of the marriage he was. (I assume I'm preaching to the choir here…Derek had his moments on Grey's, but overall I didn't like him the first go-around for a lot of reasons, and all those reasons were confirmed – and amplified, since I'm older and wiser now – when I rewatched seasons 1 through 3 and the crossover episodes in 2020. Dude is straight toxic…as are a lot of the show creator's male characters. Lookin' at you, Fitz Grant.) Also, it was never made expressly clear in the show when Addison found out that Derek was in Seattle, e.g. if she knew where Derek was before Richard called her about the TTTS consult. This is just my take on it. And I previously mentioned Richard in chapter 11 – just in case Addison's explanation to Mark felt vague.

General things that happened/were said this chapter, but without the episodes tied to them because I'm too lazy to go back and do the research on that: 1) Archer is a neurologist who shifted into writing books that contain "tall tales" (per Addison, said to Kevin) about his former patients. Addison also described her brother as arrogant like his mother; 2) Mark drinks bone dry cappuccinos (idk what his kitchen setup is like, but you God damn know he would have some sort of more-money-than-God espresso machine); 3) Addison talked about The Lady, or the Tiger? in therapy in PP season 5. I have mentioned it in this fic a few times; 4) Addison makes a funny joke to Jake in PP about "the vapors" when they are driving to a medical conference; and 5) when Savvy says, "Sometimes people confuse other things for love. Like not wanting to be lonely or afraid or hurt." – that's an Addison quote from PP.

Addison, Grey's 5x15 (Grey's/PP crossover): "I am trying to pray, but I don't know how to pray because I'm a WASP and we only go to church on Christmas."

"I gotcha, I gotcha. It's okay." Slight nod to Grey's 3x14 (if you're like me, you just have to hear the episode name or number to know this is the one where Addison and Mark had really hot sex). This is when Addison helps the poisonous/toxic blood patient whose anesthesia is wearing off and Mark catches her before she collapses. I left out "baby" after the second "gotcha" or "got you" – I think Mark says it, but Netflix subtitles and GA transcripts beg to differ, and it's not the easiest scene to hear the dialogue on. Plus in my version, the poor guy is probably still a little traumatized from Addison screaming at him for calling her "honey," so I can't imagine he'd be willing to go right to the next pet name choice lol. Man, this scene in the show gave me some major feelings though. Mark was holding her SO tightly, and the way he was talking to her, completely uninhibited, even though they were at work and Derek and Preston were right there, well – it was so clear how much he loved her and how worried for her he was. (I hate that Derek didn't even GLANCE BACK when all this happened – Preston did, but Derek didn't. Jesus, bro. I know things are extremely high stakes and you're working against the clock to save the patient's life and ensure you don't die in the process from her toxic blood, but still.)

Thank you for reading!