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Chapter thirty

Ed sat there in the wheelchair, feeling lost. Lost and scared. He needed a hug. He needed Dad to hug him. Or to at least touch him.

Not lead him into an open room and only be professional.

Because now Ed was alone on a wheelchair island with his baby brother on his lap and surrounded by a sea of people that were watching.

Ed didn't want to keep sitting right now. He wanted to clutch Dad's elbow and use him for support. He wanted to sit on his lap. He wanted Dad's chin on the top of his head. He wanted to be lying in bed with Dad again and be hugged to his chest as Ed took in the scent and the warmth and the realness of Dad.

He didn't like the wheelchair. He knew that he was training himself not to be so reliant on Dad, but that didn't mean that he now liked the wheelchair. He didn't like his training. He wanted and needed Dad and his little brother and so he was at least happy that he got to have Al on his lap, but it wasn't enough because he didn't have Dad on the wheelchair island with them and Ed wasn't sitting on Dad's lap and then holding Al on his own lap. And Ed wasn't fit to look after Alphonse because he couldn't even see him. And he was missing an arm and everyone else could see him and so he needed Dad to be there so that he didn't fall into the sea and drowned. He needed Dad to be real and he needed to hug and get hugged by Dad to be safe again and to not be out of reach.

He didn't really care that people were speaking and obviously saluting. All he knew was that things were wrong and that he couldn't see, but that everyone could see him and he was being wheeled inside the outer office to meet them.

He needed Dad. He needed Dad and he wanted Al to stand there next to him. He needed Dad and he wanted Al to speak and none of those were an option because Ed had to stop being so dependent on Dad because that would only become worse and everyone were watching him and he couldn't see at all and he needed to not be so exposed and the wheelchair had been a bad idea because he couldn't hide like this and his chest was tightening and everything was hurting and he needed Dad, but he needed not to need Dad and-

"Ed, just breathe. Listen to me and breathe," Dad suddenly said as Ed felt a familiar set of hands come into contact with him, one on his left shoulder and the other was cupped in front of his mouth. Dad appeared to be kneeling next to him. "It's okay," he said calmly. Almost sternly, but it was a soft sternness. "Gracia is taking Alphonse now, so you just focus on me."

Ed felt the pressure of Al's seat in his lap disappear and he kept breathing shakily into Dad's hand to counteract his beginning hyperventilation, feeling tears beginning to build up because he was blind and nothing was right and Al was gone and-

"Do you want a full time out, or do you just need to get out of the wheelchair?" Dad asked quietly and gently as he pulled Ed to his chest.

Ed breathed in Dad's scent and steadied his breathing slightly as he thought about what he needed and wanted. Because he wanted Dad to just take him back home. He wanted to be safe in Dad's bed and be held tightly to his chest and not be scared of everyone that were watching him because they would be alone. He wanted to be with Dad. Alone with Dad. He wanted to constantly be hugged like this. He wanted to have Dad's warm chest against his ear as he listened to the calming sounds that were Dad's heartbeats. He wanted to be alone with Dad and get hugged and be safe and then bring Al once everything was calm and safe and have him rest against them and be a family while they were alone and safe in Dad's room.

But instead all he could do was just to lean forwards and put his arm around Dad's neck and hug him tightly as he pressed his left cheek to his. But he had to do this. He had to do this for all of them. And so he wasn't going to get carried into Dad's inner office and sit on his lap, no matter how much he wanted to. "J-just out of the wheelchair, Dad," he said quietly, his voice shaky as he felt tears beginning to stream down his cheeks.

"All right, then," Dad said just as softly as before as he helped Ed out of the wheelchair. "And it's okay. There's a lot going on and I'm not blaming you for it becoming a bit too much." He kept kneeling as he instead led him to use Dad's right thigh as a chair. And then he just hugged Ed tightly to him as he leant into Dad's chest.

"I-I'm sorry," Ed said weakly. "I-I just... I just suddenly felt so e-exposed."

"It's all right, Ed. It's why we modified Elicia's pram. You haven't done anything wrong," Dad said soothingly and pressed a kiss to his temple.

Ed just felt that lump in his stomach grow rapidly. "I d-didn't even last t-twenty minutes, Dad."

"Don't worry about it. The important thing here is that you did it instead of immediately just saying 'no'. That's a lot of progress, right there, and I'm proud, Ed. You won't gain anything from pushing yourself too much so that it just becomes worse and worse to do anything. And I don't want you to feel like you're obliged to keep doing something when it pushes you past your limit. You're training, not running a marathon, and you should say it when it becomes too much. Okay?" Dad's voice was gentle as he spoke against Ed's left temple so that only he could hear him.

Ed just nodded once. "O-okay."

"Good. Now what do you say about you borrowing my coat from tomorrow on, because when we get home, we can transmute a pocket on the inside for Arnold? That way you can hold him when I'm busy without people needing to know about it because he'll be hidden by the coat itself. It's too large for you and therefore too lumpy for anyone to notice it."

Ed felt his stomach clench even more, but with some gratitude mixed in as he nodded again. "Th-that sounds good, Dad... Th-thank you."

Roy sighed heavily where he knelt on one leg, and with Ed on the other one. This was far from comfortable, and he had a lot of subordinates looking down at him as he rested his chin on the top of Ed's head. Gracia had placed Alphonse in the extra spot prepared for him on Elicia's pram, and Roy just cursed inwardly as Ed cried silently into his new uniform. Meeting the team had obviously been too much for Ed, just because he had been meeting people that he knew and that he therefore felt would be judging him a lot more than some random soldiers would. But at least Roy had been able to avert a full-blown meltdown by the way that he had acted so quickly.

Which meant that Ed obviously needed that safety of not being put on display like he would be in a wheelchair. Roy had suspected that that would have become a problem, which it obviously now had. Ed craved the feeling of partially hiding behind someone as he held on to their arm, preferably Roy's. He needed human touch, and holding Alphonse in his lap had obviously not been enough. Not when he had been separated from everyone else from where he had been sitting in his wheelchair, and hadn't been able to reach out and touch Roy.

And so he just hugged Ed as he looked up at Hawkeye, Havoc, Breda, Falman and Fuery. The sight of them appeared to be emotionally hurting Hawkeye and Fuery, Breda and Havoc looked like they were cursing inwardly with something between sadness and frustration, and even Falman was betraying a hint of sadness at what was happening to Ed.

And all five of them looked like they partially and instinctively thought that Roy was an impostor.

All Roy knew was that when Ed's breathing had changed just slightly, and he hadn't said hello to anyone like he had done before when they had met the team during the past week, Roy had just quickly rolled Ed inside the office in full. And so Gracia had been able to have got the pram inside too before she had taken Alphonse from Ed's lap.

Roy had begun to think of this type of reaction as Ed just getting too lonely in the dark. That was essentially just what it was. Ed simply got too caught up in his grief-stricken fear, which resulted in him getting increasingly overwhelmed in a way that he couldn't stop by himself. And the reason why he couldn't do so, was simply that he got too trapped in his own blindness which he couldn't escape.

Which also made it a lot more complicated when Roy had been turned into the one that could make his surroundings feel closer again. Basically, Roy was there to pull Ed back again when he started drifting too far.

And that was another reason as to why Roy had wanted so strongly to have the team here with him after his promotion. Because fact still was that Ed had known them for a lot longer than Gracia. They would hopefully be able to help them out a bit in a way where Ed trusted them as they did so.

Roy really just wanted Ed to be happy. To not have to be so scared and dependent on Roy. That he would stop being be so broken down by all this, just so that he could dare to be his own person again.

Ed was living in Roy's shadow, because that was where Edward Mustang wanted to be. That was where Ed liked to hide himself as Roy guided him through the darkness that surrounded him.

"I-I wanna go home, D-Dad," Ed whispered, obviously still scared. They both knew what it meant, despite how it would seem to everyone else. Because Ed wasn't saying that they should leave, he was just trusting Roy enough to tell him how he felt. Ed was venting, not demanding. He felt trapped within the overwhelming darkness, and he needed to just not keep all his thoughts to himself in a way that would grow far too much and result in a meltdown. "I-I can't stay in the wheelchair... I just c-can't, Dad... It's too d-distant. Too l-lonely."

Roy just removed Ed's sunglasses and swiftly opened the buttons of his uniform jacket so that Ed could cry as much as he needed to, but without being afraid of staining Roy's new uniform with snot and tears.

Ed began sobbing in full within three seconds and Roy just sighed heavily again and kissed the top of his head.

The boy's response to choosing Roy as his lifeline had resulted in one of the most heartbreaking things to witness for anyone who had known Edward Elric.

...Because Ed's approach to everything that had happened, was to treat it all as alchemy. And Ed had begun the deconstruction phase the moment that Roy had helped clean him up after their sparring match. But the biggest problem now was that Ed didn't even know what he was trying to make when he reached the reconstruction phase. Which meant that he was clinging on to Roy to help him find out before it was too late.

Because he was so dangerously close to causing a rebound.

And the deconstruction of Edward Elric was a very painful thing to witness. And now he was reconstructing himself as something else, namely Edward Mustang. And Edward Mustang needed his father more than ever.

"It's all right, Ed. You don't have to go back in the wheelchair," Roy said gently as he folded the sunglasses together with his right hand, before holding his arms around Ed properly again.

"I-I'm b-blind! I-I'm actually b-blind! I'm not gonna be a-able to s-see ever again! Th-they're gone!" Then Ed just began whispering tearfully. "My eyes, th-they're g-gone... A-and Al's gone and why does it have to be so d-dark? I d-don't wanna be t-trapped in the d-dark, Dad... A-and I'm s-scared... Because you're back to w-work... Y-you're p-professional, and it feels w-wrong, because the C-Colonel is professional, not Dad."

Roy sighed heavily yet again. "But it's like I said, Edward... I'm not the Colonel any more. I'm General Mustang, and he's a family man, remember? He got his promotion because of it."

"I just don't wanna l-lose you," Ed wheezed as he clutched his hand even tighter around Roy's jacket. "I-I can't s-see you. I c-can't tell when you're on duty. It d-doesn't feel right when you can just s-switch like that."

"I know, Ed... But it's going to work out and I'll still be your dad, even if I'm wearing my uniform... But I have to balance them both because I can't just stop being an officer. I'm a single father and I need to fulfil my duties as both a parent and an officer."

Ed nodded into his chest and Roy kissed the top of his head again. "I-I know..."

No, Roy had a lot of things to balance at the moment, what with work, Ed, and a newborn, all if which required a lot of attention and caused a lot of worry.

02.19 AM that morning

Roy woke up at the sound of crying. Double crying. Ed was asleep where he lay, using Roy's shoulder as a pillow while he rested his arm on Roy's chest.

He sighed heavily, knowing that he really ought to help out because Al was technically his son now and this was one of the few times where Ed wouldn't instinctively feel slightly jealous. And so Roy gently untangled himself and put Arnold under the duvet together with Ed and tucked the sleeping child in. Edward looked so small like this. So small and his features seemed so vulnerable and childlike.

He felt his stomach clench slightly at the sight before he opened to bedroom door and headed for the one to the guest bedroom instead. And so he knocked twice on the door, tiredness stinging in his eyes. He was getting a sneak peak into parenting, that was for sure. There was no doubting it that Maes and Gracia Hughes were saints.

"I can take Al if that's necessary."

Maes opened the door at that, holding Al in his arms. The baby was crying. "In that case, he needs a nappy change."

Roy sighed. "Well, you taught me how to do it two days ago, so I'll get right to it, thanks."

And so Maes gave him the infant and the odd thing was that Al stopped crying within ten seconds of coming into contact with Roy's still bare chest. Maes frowned and smiled at the same time. "You know, Roy, Al's got a lot more detached to you these past few days, but it doesn't really make sense."

Roy sighed and looked at his friend with a frown of his own. "I've got a theory that sounds pretty crazy, how about you join me so that we can discuss it? I'm supposed to talk with Al to make him feel safer, but I suspect that talking in general works well enough too."

"Sure, Roy." He looked slightly worried as they walked inside the bathroom and Roy set to work, not looking at Maes but at Alphonse. "So, what's your theory?"

"It's got nothing to do with me..." Roy began, looking down at the golden eyes of the infant below him. They weren't the same shade of gold as Ed's had been, but still gold enough for Roy to tell that they were related. "This is about Ed... I've been lying with Ed hugging me for most of the time during the past seven hours. Al is always calm around Ed..."

Maes, understandably enough, paused. "You know, Roy, I think you're right. So has this got to do with them being brothers or is there something about how Alphonse got this way, do you think?"

Roy sighed. "I think the latter option is more likely... After all, Ed used his own blood to pull Al's soul back the first time... It makes sense for there to be some sort of bond just from that as Al should still have that same soul, even if it has been reset. When his life in this form was then also paid for by Ed losing his eyes, then it could be that there is a sort of biological bond between them where Al recognises Edward as the one who gave him life in a way..."

He could practically hear his friend's frown. "So what you're saying is that there's a possibility that Alphonse in a weird way recognises Ed as his mother?"

Roy sighed again, feeling highly awkward and frustrated. "Maybe, but it's hard to tell. I'm going to talk to Ed about it later this afternoon, but I just wanted your opinion before I spring something like this on him. But I think that that biological mix-up was strengthened by the way that the first one to ever hold him was Ed."

"So Al's basically got two mothers and a father that smells like one of them which calms him down?"

Roy sighed. "It's just a theory, of course, but if there's one thing that we know about Ed and Al, it's that 'conventional' hasn't been a fitting adjective ever since Ed performed his first transmutation at age five."

echznmay: I'm so glad to hear you say that! I hope you'll keep enjoying the story!