Believe Again: Messy, Broken, but Perfect

She didn't speak. Not for a long time. But she didn't try to shrug off his hand either, allowing him to hold it, letting what little warmth they had spread between their palms and fingers.

The sun had almost fully set now, the sky darkening as a dark blue swept over the orange horizon. It was starting to get colder too, with the wind getting stronger, howling and whispering in his ear, filling the silence.

Saeran didn't dare to say a word, even though her name was on the tip of his tongue. He wanted to call her name. Talk to her. Ask her what she was thinking about.

But what if her answer was the same?

He didn't know if he should just let her go then. He didn't want to force her into anything after all she had been through—the fact that she had flown all the way here just to see him was more than he could have ever hoped for already. But at the same time, the reason they were here like this was because he had let her go first, pushed her away and let her fall alone.

It was the reason he had his lips sealed shut, the reason why he was simply staring at her now and waiting patiently. Hoping that the silence would drag longer so that he wouldn't have to let go of her hand so soon.

If her answer was still the same, then… the least he could do was to make sure she lived happily again. Even if that meant he wasn't by her side to see it.

At that moment he felt her hand start to slip from his grasp. Instinctively he grabbed it tighter, fingers curling around her wrist and pulling her closer to him. She startled from the action, taking one step forward to regain her balance.

Their toes were touching now, and her face was closer to his than before.

He recalled the last time they were like this clear as day… when he got ice cream all over him no thanks to Saeyoung's prank on the ice cream truck. She had been wiping his face gently with tissues, and her face had been close enough to kiss if he just leaned a little closer.

He wondered what would have happened if he had actually done that instead of chickening out that day. Would she have pushed him away? Or would she have kissed him back?

This was his second chance to find out. Only, she was looking at him with tears in her eyes, and it made his mouth go dry. His mind drew a blank, not knowing what to say or do. It seemed all he made her do was cry. And he didn't know how to fix it.

All he could do was brush his thumbs over her cheek to wipe them away, one by one, and rest his palm against her cold cheek.

"I don't know," she admitted then, voice shaking and her breaths coming out ragged, the warmth from it blooming on his forearm. "I don't know what to do right now. I don't know what I feel, or how I should feel. I thought I had the answers, but then I saw you again and they just- they're gone. I don't know what to do anymore."

She was sobbing now, and he gently pushed her head to rest on his chest, allowing her warm tears to seep into his clothes. It made him want to cry too.

"Then say 'yes'," he murmured, running his fingers through her hair, leaning closer to breathe in the scent of her shampoo. She felt so soft, and so small in his arms.

"I was supposed to move on and leave all those horrible things behind me. Including you."

Left behind. It struck a sore spot, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth as his old insecurities sprang up fresh again. But still, he didn't have the right to ask her to stay.

"Do you really have to?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"You can choose. Do what makes you happy." She was supposed to be smiling, to be happy, and he had ruined it. Ruined her because of his cowardice and his selfishness.

She pulled away then, resting her hands on his chest but not stepping further away from him this time. Tilting her head up, she met his eyes, frowning.

"You make me happy, but you also make me sad." Contradiction. An illogicality. Feelings that didn't make any sense, emotions that had no rhyme or reason to them.

Saeran remembered the time he first discovered the feelings he had for her. The irrational thoughts that came to his mind, and the unsettling churn of his stomach when he thought of her. He hadn't liked it very much.

He still didn't. He didn't like the heavy weight of his heart when he missed her, he didn't like that the numbers and codes in his readings and assignments would blur together when his mind wandered off on its own towards her again. Calculations and logic told him to let her go and to adjust to his new life in Switzerland, and yet all he could ever do was dwell in useless thoughts of what could have been, on the 'what-if's and the 'maybe's.

It was the uncertainty, the confusion, the contradictions between his heart and mind, that had turned him into a fool, just like her.

"What if I only make you happy from now on?"

She was beginning to waver. He could see it in the twitch of her brows and the nervous darting of her pupils. He could feel it in her pulse.

"How can you be so sure of that?"

He knew what she was really saying:

How can I believe you again?

"I promise." They were two impossibly heavy words. And yet, he had never felt lighter.

It gave him renewed courage as he placed both hands on her cheeks, leaning his face in slowly to wait for her to push him away, to tell him that she didn't want to, that she couldn't give him a second chance.

But she had fallen silent again, content to let him approach her, let the tips of their noses touch, and allow his lips to brush against hers once in a cautious, experimental move. Then a second time, this time lingering a bit longer, his lips pressing more firmly against hers. And then on the third time, her lips finally began to move in response to his, while her arms slipped around his neck to pull him closer.

Everything felt right—with her hands in his hair, his arms around her waist and their bodies pressed tightly together. Her breaths were warm, or maybe it was just his cheeks that were burning up. Frankly, his entire body felt like it was in flames, and his heart was beating so hard he thought it might stop at any moment.

Still, he held on to her. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was afraid this would be their last, but each kiss from her, each gentle tug of her fingers that were fisted in his hair, gradually washed away his doubts. She didn't need words—she never did. He knew what her answer was, when her lips parted and allowed his tongue to brush against hers, when she moaned lightly into his mouth and raised herself up on her toes to deepen the kiss.

If only they didn't need air, he would have continued kissing her for much longer than that. He lost track of time, but it seemed to race by too quickly. They had to break apart eventually, and he rested his forehead against hers while they tried to catch their breaths.

"I love you," he whispered in between his ragged breaths. It sounded more like a plea this time.

Stay with me.

"I wish I didn't," she said, eyes meeting his, no longer avoiding them. And then he caught the way the corners of her lips began to twitch upwards.

Finally.

"But I do. I love you, Saeran."

He forgot to breathe, the moment those words left her lips.

Growing up, Saeran never thought he would be happy. Not when he was living with his mother and Saeyoung, when he was left alone with his mother, and then when he was brought to Mint Eye and taught to hate the only person in the world who cared for him.

He didn't think he ever deserved it, not since he took a person's life with his own hands. The guilt had remained ever since. It still did, to this day.

And he most certainly didn't think he could be happy with her. A man as broken and messed up as him would never be able to make her happy. He had proven that himself too, failing to protect her and hurting her over and over again.

Yet, she loved him, and he loved her. Sure, there were still pieces left to be picked up, creases that had to be ironed out between them. There were still so many things he had kept from her, and so many things he didn't know about her either. Despite that, he didn't feel daunted. He was no longer afraid.

There were things to make up for, promises to fulfil still, so many things left to be done. It was by no means perfect. In fact, this whole thing was messy and broken and out of place. Some scars would never fully disappear, and maybe some wounds would never fully heal.

But this was good enough. He was happy, now that she was here, and there was nothing else he could ask for.

Well— maybe he could ask for just one more thing.

"Can I… kiss you again?" he asked, the hesitant request hanging in the air as he searched her eyes.

Her lips parted in surprise, and for a moment he thought she might say 'no', but then her lips spread into a coy smile and a blush bloomed on her cheeks as she nodded.

And with that, he pressed his lips to hers once more, closing the space between them.

This time, he wouldn't be letting go ever again.

A/N: i'll leave my thoughts and reflections on this fic in the next chapter as a final author's note. :)