alopexplasma said: Oh boy! Polynya I have a sudden ferocious hankering for Byakuya and Aizen being viciously passive aggressive to each other. Most of the time you write B he is in the company of his family or his loved ones. So clearly the ultimate way to bring out the knives is an AU in which all the captains are in the same Homeowner's Association. I have no preference for ships; I crave only drama, the pettier the better.

Alopex. Alopex. Why. Why u do this 2 me. You're my favorite, tho, I cannot refuse you. I hope this is petty enough. I almost made this whole thing an epistolary fanfic that took place over NextDoor, the worst "social media", but I think it worked better with everyone in person.

"Gosh darnit, the only K-cups left are apple cider and pumpkin spice!"

"Oh, that can't be right, I know I filled up the carousel just before the meeting! Retsu! Retsu, honey, we're out of K-cups, and I bought a whole carton at Costco and I just don't understand-"

Kuchiki Byakuya glanced up from the presentation materials he was reviewing for the six hundredth time. For starters, Byakuya wasn't really sure anyone should be letting Hitsugaya Toushirou have coffee in the first place. It was 8p.m., and the child couldn't be more than twelve. Byakuya had never been very clear on a) why the Seireitei Estates Homeowners' Association let the child attend the meetings in lieu of his father (or possibly step-father?), a doctor who worked late hours, and b) why a young child would want to attend a Homeowners' Association meeting anyway, but he had more sense than most of the other board members, so Byakuya didn't ask questions.

Byakuya also wasn't sure why they had to have "refreshment breaks." Breaks were for quitters, in Byakuya's opinion. Granted, the meeting was being held at Unohana's house this month, which meant that the baked goods were impeccable, but Unohana's high-strung wife tended to radiate so much nervous energy that Byakuya worried the woman was going to spontaneously combust.

"Oh, sunflower, I'm sure they just got pushed behind the croquembouche," Unohana purred reassuringly. "I'll help you look- oh, excuse me, Mr. Ichimaru."

As Unohana pushed past that weaselly shyster Ichimaru Gin, she swung her hips, knocking into him. Approximately thirty K-cups tumbled out of the pockets of Gin's couture tracksuit.

"Oh, there they are!" Unohana sang innocently.

"How did those get in there?" Gin gasped, as though he were genuinely puzzled.

Byakuya shuddered. Ichimaru worked for the second biggest law firm in town, after, of course, Kuchiki and Sons. Byakuya dreaded the day he might find himself across a negotiation table from the man. Not that harbored any doubts about annihilating that idiot in a contest of the law, he just didn't like being in the same room with him.

"Here you go, dear," Unohana said, popping a K-cup into the machine and patting little Toushirou on the head. Toushirou was too busy glaring at Gin to notice.

"That looks like some presentation you're givin' after the break, eh, Kuchiki?" Ichimaru drawled, selecting a bearclaw from the pastry tray. "Or didja bring home the paperwork from the Tsunayashiro merger?"

Byakuya sniffed and shuffled his papers back into their portfolio. "I approach all areas of my life with the same diligence as I do my professional work."

"What a coinky-dink! I do, too- I don't work hard at anything."

Byakuya had no interest in frittering away his preparation time to small talk with a moron. "I am going to set up," he said coolly.

"Good luck!" Ichimaru trilled, giving a saucy little finger wave.

Byakuya returned to Unohana's sitting room, where he had left his easel and poster board near the hideous faux fireplace with its tacky LED candles.

Aizen was sitting at the cardtable he'd set up at the front of the room, fiddling with his chintzy little gavel. "You look very prepared," he said, in a tone of voice that was almost as insipid as the oatmeal-marl turtleneck sweater he wore. "Do try not to run too long, though. I'm only the substitute president, you know! I want to run a tight ship, ha ha!"

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. He was still slightly salty that President Yamamoto had felt the need to take a last minute trip on a "Single Seniors Cruise." Something something about a flash sale and when you're old you have to take advantage of the time you have left, etcetera, etcetera, but if there were anyone that Byakuya could count on take his side in the matter, it was that antediluvian rule-enforcer. For that matter, Byakuya wasn't actually sure whether Yamamoto even cared about clipped hedges and shoveled sidewalks or if he just liked yelling at people and slapping them with fines.

Aizen was also a bit of a stickler for the finer points of home maintenance, but the man had no substance to him, with his floppy hair and his chunky knitwear and his horn-rimmed glasses.

"All right, everyone!" Aizen called in his stupid simpering voice. Byakuya had no idea what the man actually did, but Byakuya figured he was a preschool teacher or an art therapist or something equally touchy-feely. "Please take your seats! The next item on our agenda is a presentation on, uh, 'A Secret But Important Topic, from our neighbor over at number six, let's give a big hand for...Byakuya!"

"Hold the applause," Byakuya said sternly, holding up a hand. "I come to you today to call for- nay, demand the expulsion of one Zaraki Kenpachi from the Board of this Homeowners Association, and possibly also the entire neighborhood, if that's possible."

"We can't kick people out of the neighborhood," Aizen stage-whispered to him.

"Is he actually a member of the HOA Board?" Kyouraku asked, scratching his shaggy mane. "I've never seen him at one of these meetings."

Byakuya turned to Tousen, the Board treasurer, who had taken his seat at the front table with Aizen and Ichimaru. "Mr. Tousen, did you happen to look into the dues records, as I requested?"

"I did, yes," Tousen replied. "It turns out that Mr. Zaraki is excused from paying dues. There was a post-it note in President Yamamoto's handwriting that said," Tousen made finger quotes, "'Zaraki fixed my car, excused from dues.'"

Byakuya scowled. "That doesn't seem… sufficient… it is of no matter." He grabbed the bed sheet covering his posterboard, and dramatically swept it away. It would have been more dramatic if the bedsheet weren't covered in Chappy rabbits, but there was no way he was bringing one of his own 800-thread counts into a house that contained cats.

"I have been closely watching Mr. Zaraki's residence for the last few months, as his rear yard backs to mine, and I believe he may be operating a fight club in his garden on weekends. They do move into the garage if the weather is unpleasant."

A hush fell over the room, except for Isane and Ukitake Juushirou, who were discussing the merits of blind-baking pie crusts.

"Er, sorry, did I miss something?" Juushirou asked apologetically, after realizing he was the only person talking.

"Kenpachi seems to be running some sort of fight club," his scruffy husband supplied, looking deeply confused, as usual.

"Goodness!" Juushirou exclaimed. "Are you sure?"

Byakuya cleared his throat. "Allow me to present the evidence I have gathered." He picked up two large binders, and handed one to Soi Fon in the front row, and the other to Aizen, who immediately passed his, unopened, to Ichimaru. "There are about two dozen disreputable personages who are frequently found loitering about the premises. The first page of the binder indexes each of them by a descriptive nickname, including times I have seen them. Photographic evidence follows."

"They seem to be washing cars in most of these photos," Soi Fon pointed out, flipping a page back and forth. Or are they fixing the cars? I can't tell."

Komamura craned his head over, curiously. "Wow, is that a '73 Stingray? Nice."

"Yes, they also like to get together to maintain and detail their vehicles," Byakuya snapped. "Usually at ungodly hours of the morning. I am almost positive that many of those cars do not employ catalytic converters. In any case, it is easier to take pictures of them during the day."

"Looks like they like to spray each other with hoses, too," Gin noted, waggling his eyebrows. "Why are there so many pictures of this one guy with the red hair and tattoos? He sure doesn't like to wear a shirt, does he?" Aizen appeared to be leaning to the side, trying to look at the book out of the corner of his eye.

"My dutiful sister did the photographic surveillance! She is very thorough, and I appreciated the help!" All these questions were knocking Byakuya off his game. He smacked his pointer against the poster. "May I direct your attention to Figure A, a bar chart of traffic on his street vs. hours of the day."

"Tell us more about the fight club," Soi Fon interrupted, shoving her binder over to Komamura. "Are there weapons involved, blunted or otherwise? How many people usually show up? Is it held regularly, or do you suspect there's, say, an email list or something?"

"I think it's some sort of mixed martial arts," Byakuya said, rubbing his forehead. "There are often up to a dozen of them, but sometimes it's as few as three or four."

"You know, I'm looking through the bylaws," Aizen said, turning pages in the bylaw binder without actually looking at them, "and I'm not exactly clear on whether fight clubs are actually… you know, forbidden."

"They're illegal," Byakuya bit off.

"Per-haaaps," Aizen drew out. "But what really constitutes… a 'fight club,' am I right? I mean, Dr. Unohana teaches kickboxing classes in her basement studio, is that a fight club?"

"No," Byakuya replied.

"Exactly, and we wouldn't want her to be painted with the same brush for just trying to teach other women the arts of self-defense, now would we?"

"It's not for self-defense," Unohana clarified.

"Or what about having a bunch of friends over and hitting each other with foam swords while you pretend to be werewolves?" Ichimaru broke in cheerfully. "That's just our rights as citizens, to pretend to be werewolves in our basements with our friends."

"It's a tabletop RPG," Komamura growled. "I am not a LARPer. There are no weapons. Also, you really do not need to bring it up every single board meeting. It is a perfectly normal adult hobby that I do to spend quality time with my friends."

"Speaking of which," Gin turned his binder of pictures around, "isn't this guy in your group? With the sunglasses?"

"Hmm?" Komamura flipped a few pages. "Oh, huh, yeah, that's Iba."

"Surely a good friend of yours wouldn't have anything to do with an illegal fight club, eh, Mr. Komamura?" Aizen suggested.

Komamura made a non-commital grumble. "I mean, I could ask him if it's a fight club, if you want me to."

"I have yet to hear any evidence that supports the existence of this so-called 'fight club," Tousen broke in.

"That's because I keep getting interrupted, I have an audio recording and also some several emergency room admission records-"

"Mr. Zaraki is an upstanding citizen of our town and a devoted father," Tousen continued. "Are you suggesting that Mr. Zaraki is not a responsible parent?"

"Well, now that you mention it…" Byakuya mused.

"Juushirou, you and Shunsui babysit for little Yachiru all the time, don't you?" Aizen asked sweetly. "Have you ever seen any evidence that she isn't the sweetest little girl in the entire world?"

Toushirou raised his hand. "Excuse me? She is a menace, actually?"

"Oh, no, Yachiru is always a ray of sunshine!" Juushirou beamed. "Very active child."

"Eats a lot," Kyouraku added.

The edges of Byakuya's vision were beginning to bleed into red. "We are not talking about the Zaraki child-who, by the way, buried an entire ham in my prize tulip bed-"

"It sounds like you have a grudge against the entire family, Kuchiki," Aizen replied mildly. "These board meetings are not a venue for airing your petty grievances."

"You are not even listening! If you would just turn to page-"

"I think you've wasted enough of everyone's time." Aizen turned his doe eyes to the audience. "Is there anyone here who wants to invest any more energy listening to Byakuya's vitriol?"

Byakuya looked out over his audience, looking for an ally. Komamura shifted in his seat uncomfortably. The Kyouraku-Ukitakes refused to make eye contact. Unohana was reading a magazine about decorative wreaths. Toushirou raised his hand again with a helpful smile, but no one actually ever cared what he thought.

"Soi Fon, you're an actual police officer!" he begged.

"It's just a fight club," Soi Fon shrugged.

Byakuya was desperate. "Dr. Kurotsuchi?"

Kurotsuchi looked up from his phone. "Eh?"

"Have you been paying attention to any of this?"

"Of course not, I only come for the snacks."

Byakuya gritted his teeth. "Zaraki is running a fight club and these fools wish us to turn our heads and look the other way."

"Well, it's not a very good fight club," Kurotsuchi agreed. "I've been. They don't allow poisoned weapons and the beverage selection is quotidian at best."

"You see! You see, right there, Kurotsuchi has even attended! That's proof that a) it exists and b) it defames the character of the neighborhood!"

"I'm declaring this issue closed," Aizen replied breezily. "And Kuchiki, I really think you should try to get along better with Kenpachi. You are neighbors, after all." He brightened. "Oh, I know! We've got the community yard sale coming up in June. Why don't you go ask him if he wants to join the planning committee?"

"Byakuya… will...ask...Zaraki...to chair…the yard sale planning committee," Gin read aloud as he wrote it into the minutes.

"I agreed to no such thing!" Byakuya howled.

"Onto the next topic!" Aizen chirped. "Trash pickup happens every Friday at 7am and a few of our neighbors have been leaving their bins out as late as noon."

Later, after the meeting, as Byakuya was packing up his binders and his posterboard, Aizen walked up to him, munching on a rhubarb scone. "Really nice presentation, Byakuya. Good fonts, well cited, you obviously put a ton of work into it. Also, that Zaraki is a blight on the neighborhood. Ideally, he would be thrown in prison."

Byakuya stared at Vice-Presiden Aizen, mouth agape. "Then why did you and your cronies ruin my presentation and shut me down at every turn?"

Aizen's eyes narrowed. His mouth curved into a cold smile. Light glinted off his glasses. "You dared to usurp my rightful place as the winner of the Spring Spirit Most Beautiful Yard competition."

Byakuya blinked at him blankly. "You cared about that? A man's lawn is his pride. I keep my yard beautiful as a matter of principle, not for some silly competition."

"You pay for a lawn service. You shouldn't have even been eligible."

Byakuya didn't even recall entering, he'd just received a letter that he'd won, and a festive yard sign appeared next to his front walk, which he had immediately removed and thrown in the garbage. "The prize was a gift certificate to a miserable chain restaurant. I would give it to you, except that I already gave it to my sister to go out with her hooligan friends. They are perpetually short on funds. I could get you another one, I suppose. The amount was paltry enough, although I was given to understand that the place offers 'unlimited breadsticks'."

"It's too late for that," Aizen declared. "You have made a powerful enemy. You will feel my revenge in a thousand cuts."

Byakuya wondered how much of a hassle it would be to just move. He'd heard there were some nice houses over in Karakura Acres.

~end

Shinigami's Cup: GOLDEN!

"Do you think it would help if I infiltrated the fight club?"

"I appreciate your zeal, Sister, but, no, I do not think it would help."

"Because I think I might have an in. I feel like I would be really good at going undercover. I could wear a body mic."

"Rukia, you know I have the utmost faith in you, but are not even five feet tall. I do not, in any way, see how you could realistically ingratiate yourself to an organization populated by large, lumpy men whose raison d'etre is to clobber each other in the face."

"I have cat-like reflexes! I am really good at dodging and weaving!"

"Rukia."

"And I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos about muscle cars. Go on, ask me something about Dodge Chargers!"

"Rukia."

"I even ripped the sleeves of an old t-shirt, I look super tough in it. Please, Byakuya, please can I?"

"All right, fine. But do not drink any alcoholic beverages that have 'light' or 'ice' in the title. It is against our pride as Kuchiki."

"Thank you Brother, you're the best!"