Chapter 41- Iry Coppersmith
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.
Maybe if I tell myself that enough, I will be okay, and Terra will be okay, and I can go home. What will home be like, when I'm the victor too? If I'm the victor. Will I be okay then? I'll have Shuttle and Woven and Woof, and Terra of course. If we were all victors together, then I think everything could be okay then. We'd all be safe.
I've thought okay too much, and now it doesn't make sense anymore.
The wind whips in from the ocean; it's nice and cold, and the arena is so hot. I miss District 8 so much; I wish I never had to come here! I remember thinking that being here was an adventure, but it's not. It's horrible, for everyone.
I keep thinking about those cannons earlier, all three of them. My hands shake every time one of them goes off, because they're just like Celosia's cannon, and that means they're all dead. It's all my fault that Celosia died, but I don't even know who the others who died are!
Terra, I hurt. I want to come home and sleep forever.
Next to me, the water's getting shallower, and a lot clearer. Up ahead, there's a circle of beach- and the sand is a really light pink! I didn't know that sand could be pink. Even though I feel horrible, I smile anyway; pink is my favorite color.
This looks like a nice spot to stay for a while. What do you call something like this, anyway? Maybe a cove; that sounds mysterious. Above the cove are really tall trees, all smooth, and behind those trees is the jungle. I don't like it in there; something could be watching me and I wouldn't even notice it.
Like I watched Celosia and she didn't notice.
I can't think about her; it hurts too much. All I know is that Terra doesn't hate me; she sent me food the night after I killed Celosia.
I promised I'd hide, and I did, but now everything's gone wrong, Terra. I'm sorry!
Can't think, not about her, not about being here. Instead, I look at the sand around my feet, trying to make myself not think.
I'm going to stay here, because this beach is pink, which means it's meant just for me. It reminds me a little bit like my pink room at home, and that's funny because a beach and a bedroom can't be any more different. I'll stay here and hope that nobody else is around.
Dropping my things on the sand, I sit myself down right in the middle of the pink beach and look out at the water. The sun's off in the distance, bright as always, but the ocean under it is so blue. I don't like it very much up close, but when it's far away, it's really pretty.
I wonder who died earlier today, with those cannons. I don't even know who's left; I've lost count. Where is Azlon? Is he dead or is he still in the arena with me? I've got too many questions, and nobody to ask to get answers.
I've never been alone before. Terra's always been with me, or Father, or Deecey and Mrs. Underfall, or all the kids at school, or Shuttle and Woven and Woof. I've always had somebody there to help me or keep me company, and now it's just me. Iry.
The trees make scratchy noises when the wind goes through them; it's a little bit scary. There could be anything in there! Maybe Terra can see, if she's watching me right now. Maybe there's another tribute, or a creature or something just waiting to pounce on me, and she can't tell me!
She must be really scared right now, maybe even more scared than I am. I miss her, I miss my sister a lot. She's like, she's like my mother and my sister all rolled into one, since she's taken care of me ever since I was born. She even tried to keep taking care of me after she won, but I think she changed a little too much. When she came back, I started having to take care of her, because I had to protect her and make sure she was okay.
I'll always take care of her, which is why I can't look too scared in here. I can't cry anymore, even though I'm scared. She has to think I'm okay, and everyone else has to think I'm okay too, because then I can get sponsors so I can go home. And when I do get to go home, I'll pretend I'm okay there too, because it'll hurt Terra to know that I'll never be okay again, and she'll think it's her fault.
It's better that I get broken inside than if she does, because she'll never be okay after. Shuttle will understand, I know she will. I'll tell her everything that's happened, and she'll help me. I think we all know that Terra is fragile, and if we push her too hard, she'll break. You wouldn't be able to put Terra back together again, not after Fletcher, and me being here in the arena.
Pulling my knees up to my chest, I look out at the ocean, feeling the breeze whip around me. I think maybe it is pretty here, and it would be even more beautiful if we weren't all here to die. I heard once that the Capitol people come and visit the arenas after the Games are over, and see where everyone died.
If I die, will they come and laugh at me, at the place where it happened?
I'm not going to think about that anymore. Instead, I push myself up to standing and pull off my boots and socks, putting them with the rest of my supplies. After rolling up my pant legs and taking off my jacket, I march straight into the shallow water.
It's warm, which I didn't think it would be. Maybe because it's so shallow? Under my feet, there's just sand, shifting around and floating from where I'm stepping; soft sand instead of the crunchy things around the pedestals at the Cornucopia. It's like a gritty version of our carpet at home, which is a little funny.
Little fish, all different colors of the rainbow, are swimming around my feet and ankles; some of them try to nibble on my toes, and it tickles! The old Iry would have giggled and splashed them, I don't think I can, not since I became this new Iry. I miss the old me.
After just four days, I feel old. Grownup. When I got reaped, I think that was the end of my childhood right there; all my pink ribbons and giggles are behind me now. If I was at home, I would have been working in one of the factories, but Terra stopped all that after she won. So I got to be a little girl longer than all of my friends. That's over now, I guess.
So I'm old and thirteen; what do I do now? I have to win, that's what I have to do, no matter what happens next. When I get out, Shuttle and Woven and Woof can help me piece myself back together, and I'll pretend I'm fine for Terra.
Four days ago, I had my sister; I was crying in her bed, begging her not to let me come here. She let me go; she didn't have a choice. She let me go when I was little, and now I'm not little anymore; I don't know what I am. A tribute. I am a tribute and nothing more to the Capitol.
When I killed Celosia from District 12, the little girl me cried for her, and cracked inside because of her. I won't let the Capitol see me cry again. If I'm going to win and go home to my family, they can't see any weakness at all. No tears. I can crack, but I won't break. They can't make me break, not yet.
I'll show them that I'm okay.
The fish scatter when I bend over and splash my face with the warm seawater. If I could, I'd trade all of this for the smoggy streets of District 8 right now. The beaches for the factories, the trees for the houses, the water for the cemetery on the hill. Home.
"I'm okay, Terra. I promise," I say, looking up at the sky. There're cameras around; maybe she'll hear me. Maybe she'll hear what I can't say too: I miss you. I'm scared. I want to come home.
I'll go home. Terra promised me that she would help me get out, and she doesn't break her promises. I killed Celosia, so I'm still in the Games. It hurts, it hurts, but I'm still here because Celosia isn't, so I have to trust that Terra will get me home.
If we work together, me here and Terra in the Capitol, I'll go home in one piece. Terra's never broken a promise to me before, and I don't think she ever will.
We'll bring me home together.
When I've had enough of splashing in the water, I get out and dry my feet and legs off on my blanket. That should dry really fast; the arena is hot today. When my feet are dry, I pull my socks back on and lace up my boots. I don't know if I'm hiding very well right now; that was the plan: hide.
I'll stay here for a little while longer; it's nice and shady here in the cove. And pretty too! After I stretch out my blanket so it can dry better, I decide to pull out all of my supplies and lay them out in front of me, so I know what I do have and don't have.
I have the blanket, of course; a half full water bottle, iodine, some leftover food from yesterday, a couple parachutes, and that's it. That's all I need, I think. I don't have a weapon, but I don't want one! I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'll stay here in the cove, and wait for everyone else's cannons to go off, so I don't have to see any of it.
Something's lumpy in my pocket, and it hurts my hip. It takes a little bit to wriggle my hands into my pocket, but when I do, I pull out a shiny white stone. Where did this come from?
Oh. I remember. I took this from the beach where I killed Celosia. I want to throw the stone away, but it feels like bad luck to get rid of it. I'll keep in my pocket, and maybe I'll take it home with me to remind me of the arena. It'll remind me of Celosia too. I didn't know her at all, but she doesn't get to go home because of me. I'll win for her too.
"SQUAWK!"
What was that? I jump straight up and turn around. I don't think it's a tribute, because tributes don't squawk, so what is it?
I figure it out when I see the big red and blue bird sitting in one of the trees in the jungle part of the cove. "You scared me!" I tell it. I like birds a lot, but we don't see them much at home. This one is different from the other birds I've seen in here, though. He looks a little mean.
The bird screeches again, opening his mouth a little bit too wide. Cold shivers run up and down my back and arms; what do I do? I don't know what to do!
One by one, the trees start to fill up with birds that look just like this one. I'm so scared; what am I supposed to do? Do they want to kill me, or just hurt me? What am I going to do?
Suddenly, the first bird that yelled at me flaps his wings and jumps down to the beach below his tree. "Leave me alone!" I try to yell, but my voice trembles and hardly comes out. My knees are shaking. Terra, what am I supposed to do? Right behind me is the water, and I don't want to go too far into it. I'll bet if I run along the beach on the water's side, the birds would follow me, too, and then I'll lose all my supplies!
"Go away!" I try again, and this time my voice is louder. "Stay away from me!"
The lead bird beats its wings again, screeches louder- and runs at me, beak open wide to show all of its sharp teeth. These birds have teeth; they're mutts, they're mutts, they're monsters! As fast as I can, I back up into the shallow pool full of fish, just as the rest of the birds jump down from the trees and start towards me too.
They aren't real, they're not real birds. Terra, help me! Terra!
"Leave me alone!" I scream, and this time I'm loud, just as loud as the birds that are screaming at me and running right for me. "Get away from me!" The birds don't want to listen to me. This isn't okay, I'm not okay, nothing's okay.
Help me, Terra!