Chapter 44: Yours to Discover

AN: Kudos to any fellow Canadians who get the reference in the chapter title.

Show Me How by Men I Trust

Wednesday could not come fast enough. I needed to get as much time as possible with Sirius before we left Hogwarts, after which our weird friendship/friends-with-benefits relationship might fall apart, simply because we wouldn't be seeing each other regularly. In my nervousness, I showed up outside the door to the Prefects' Bath on the fifth floor half an hour early. I paced the corridor, studied the statue of Boris the Bewildered to the minutest detail, and did anything else that I could think of to take my mind off Sirius. Had he changed his mind? Had he decided to spend time with James, Remus, and Peter that evening instead? Was he off shagging another girl, one who was prettier, curvier, more popular than me? Was I being a bloody fool about meeting him? Was I stupid to think he might be able to feel the same way about me? Fuck, I was such a —

"Hey, kitten. Fancy seeing you here."

I whipped around, and there was Sirius. Nearly sighing in relief at my soothed nerves, I opened my mouth to respond but couldn't find the right words, not when he was looking so handsome and was turning my insides to mush with his smile.

He headed towards the fourth door, grinning at me over his shoulder. "What're you so scared of, kitten? I thought you wanted to do this."

"I do," I said, walking over to him. What I was scared of was falling in love with him. How many more intimate moments and private adventures would it take before I fell head-over-heels in love? Not many, that was for sure.

He gave me a wide smile as I stopped beside him in front of the door. He cleared his throat in an overdramatic, silly way, like he was about to address the nation on the telly, before he said the password. "Sooty charcoal."

"That's the password?" I said, wheezing with laughter.

"Yep," he said, eyes twinkling. He made a big show of rubbing his hands together and getting ready in the "correct stance" to enter the bathroom, before he paused. "Ladies first."

"You look fit to start quidditch drills," I said before walking in.

He barked with laughter, closing the door behind us. "Anything to make you laugh, kitten."

My insides jolted with joy at that, but I was left speechless when I came farther into the bathroom and beheld it in all its marble and golden glory. "Jesus Christ!" I breathed.

Softly lit by an ornate, candle-filled chandelier above, the Prefects' Bathroom lay before me. Everything was made of marble, pristinely white, and there was an enormous bath sunk in the floor. The bath looked more like a swimming pool. If I'd known that I was missing out on this bathroom, then perhaps I would've made more of an effort to become a Prefect just so that I could have nightly soaks in the tub when my Seer dreams kept me awake. Soaking in a soapy bath would've been much more comfortable than prowling the woods in the rain. Occupying one side of the room was a row of toilet stalls, and nearer to the bath was a wrought, golden table laden with white towels and bathing products: bath oil, conditioner, shampoo, anything someone might ever want. Overseeing all the events that took place in the bathroom was a portrait of a mermaid.

Beside me, Sirius kicked off his shoes and pulled off his black socks, padding over to the tub in his bare feet. I watched in fascination as he crouched down next to one of the many gold taps that were clearly meant for filling the tub. He looked over his shoulder at me. "Do you fancy anything in particular? Or can I just turn them all on and see what happens?"

"Turn them all on, I guess."

The whole bathroom filled with a thunderous rumbling as Sirius proceeded to turn on all the taps, which spewed different coloured bath water, bubbles and foam. He stood up and walked back to me, grinning like a madman, already working at loosening his tie.

"Won't we flood the bath?" I asked, raising my voice to be heard over the rumble of the water.

Sirius grinned and shook his head, dipping his head down to whisper in my ear. "They turn off by themselves. Trust me, we've tried to flood it."

I laughed as he leaned back to yank his tie over his head. "You boys are such shit-disturbers," I said.

"You know you like it, kitten," he said, winking when he noticed me staring at him undoing the buttons of his white uniform shirt.

I smiled and walked over to another gold table next to the row of stalls, wanting to put my clothes on it instead of chucking my uniform on the marble floor like Sirius. I had discarded my outer layers and shirt when there was a tremendous splash. Looking over my shoulder, I saw the water sloshing against the sides of the bath, now full and with the taps having turned themselves off. Suddenly, Sirius surfaced in the middle, dark hair plastered to the sides of his face and grinning from ear to ear.

"Are you coming in, kitten? Or are you just going to watch me from the sidelines?"

I laughed and fumbled with the clasp of my bra. "Alright, alright. I'm just getting undressed."

He treaded water in the middle of the pool, still grinning. "It's not fair, you getting to admire me naked in the bath but I can't ogle you."

I laughed, finally discarding my knickers and then wrapping my arms around myself as I walked to the edge of the bath. "How's this?"

He smiled, scanning me head to toe, as was his habit. "Perfect," he said softly.

I smiled and flushed under the intensity of his gaze, sitting down on the marble edge before smoothly slipping into the hot water. I couldn't help but let out a deep sigh when I'd submerged myself up to the neck; the hot water felt so good on my knotted neck and shoulder muscles. To my delight, there was an underwater ledge in the bath which had clearly been designed for bath-users to have a spot to sit while soaking in the water.

I stretched my neck and sighed. "God, I should've snuck in here before. But, alas, I didn't know any Prefects before this year."

He laughed. "What? You're telling me you're not a Prefect yourself?"

"No, and neither are you. Can you imagine the chaos that the school would be in if we were Prefects?" I said, gliding off the ledge and swimming closer to him in the middle of the bath.

"That would be brilliant, kitten," he said with a wide smile.

I dove underwater, lingering there for as long as I could hold my breath. The hot water surrounded me and caressed me on all sides like a heavy, buoyant blanket. Despite most domestic cats being water-averse, tigers were in fact excellent swimmers and regularly swam for enjoyment. I took after Stripes in this respect, of course. Surfacing, I pushed my weighty hair out of my face and swam back to the ledge, curling my knees up, the water lapping at my chest.

Sirius appeared next to me moments later and sat down, taking in my expression. "What's wrong, kitten?"

I sighed and rubbed my face. "I dunno, I just…" I rubbed my face again. "I can't stop thinking that… that it's all my fault. I know I did it for their safety, but couldn't I've not ruined their lives? Wasn't there some other way? I…"

"I think that you did the right thing. Well, the only thing that could keep them properly safe, really." I remained silent, so he continued, looking across the bath at the portrait of the mermaid. "You know… I used to blame myself for how my parents treated me. Of course, I knew it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help but wonder if I could've changed myself, done things differently, and it would've made it all better again. As if I could've done anything to change their opinions." He turned back to meet my eyes. "I think everyone who's forced into a difficult situation with no control over it blames themselves. We don't like living with uncertainty, I reckon."

I stared at him. "But you were never responsible for their behaviour."

His lips quirked up in a bitter smile. "I know. I always knew that, and ultimately I chose to give them a big middle finger and go off on my own. But when I was younger, I wanted an easier answer for how they treated me and others, a more logical answer than 'some people are rather soft in the head.'"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I came out alright, didn't I?"

Smiling sadly, I said softly, "You're so strong and resilient, to have gone through all that and come out in one piece. I wish I could be like that."

He raised a hand to caress my cheek, beautiful grey eyes never leaving my face. "What're you talking about? You are strong. Merlin, I think you've had a harder time of it than most people. I can't imagine what it must be like, seeing what you do, having to hide it all the time." He shifted to face me, cupping my jaw in his hands. "You are so incredibly strong, with everything that you've gone through. You've dealt with things that most people will never have to face. You're amazing, kitten."

"I feel like a bad person for what I had to do," I mumbled, loving the feel of his fingers against my skin.

He stroked his thumbs over my cheekbones. "If I tell you that you aren't one, will that make you feel better?"

"Maybe."

"Well, you're not." With a cheeky grin, he gathered some nearby soap bubbles and put them on my nose and face.

I mock-pouted. "I'm just some kind of joke to you, am I?"

He let out a bark of laughter, and I retaliated by putting some bubbles on the top of his head. "Look, you've got a wig now.

Laughing, he conceded, "I s'ppose I do, kitten."

"To compensate for the old man balding."

His eyes went wide. "Merlin, no! No mocking the hair."

I laughed and pushed off the ledge, dipping underwater before he could retaliate. However, when I surfaced, I was immediately hit with a splash from just behind me.

"Oh, sorry. My bad," he said when I spun to face him.

I splashed him back. "Oh, sorry. My bad."

I was hit in the face with a massive splash of soap bubbles and bath water, but when I tried to retaliate, he'd vanished under the surface. I didn't have to wait long for him to strike back.

"Boo," Sirius whispered in my ear, surfacing right behind me.

I started in surprise and then laughed as he nuzzled my cheek. "How're you so good at sneaking up on me?"

"Dunno." He blew a breath into my ear.

"Fuck, that feels weird."

He wrapped his arms around me, preventing me from escaping, and did it again.

"Sirius, stop!" I said in between giggles.

He gave me the sloppiest, wettest kiss on my cheek, making me laugh and squirm.

"I thought you weren't Padfoot right now."

"I'm not. Do you want me to be?" he whispered in my ear.

"Maybe I wouldn't be surprised by this if you were!" I said, giggling as he nuzzled my cheek again.

"I'm not allowed to snog you?"

"Not like Padfoot would. I'm going to get covered in slobber!"

"You don't want Padfoot's slobber?" he teased.

"No!" I said, laughing and then diving under the soap bubbles and foam, letting the hot water close over my head as I sank down. I surfaced once more behind Sirius and swam up behind him to hold onto him, my arms wrapped around his bare shoulders.

He chuckled. "Are you going to slobber on me now?"

I leaned forward to nose at his cheek and then breathed in his ear, "Maybe."

He laughed and swam forward, bringing me along with him as he made his way back to the side of the bath. His hair and skin covered in soap bubbles and foam, he sat down while I remained floating in the water, feeling the tension seep out of my body as the heat worked its magic on my muscles. Sirius smiled and watched me as I sank down so that the water level was at my cheekbones, just below my eyes. I swiveled my eyes around and made them bug-eyed, earning a laugh from him.

"You look like a proper grindylow now."

I swiveled my eyes more before lifting my head from the water and swimming over to sit next to him. "I'm a grindylow who's going to rise from the depths of the Black Lake and wreak havoc."

He laughed, still watching me. "You don't take any prisoners, Grindylow."

"Same with you, with your pranks on Slytherins," I said, nudging him with an elbow.

He moved closer so that his side was a solid pressure against mine, dipping his head down to nuzzle and kiss my neck. "That's true," he murmured into my skin.

"Well, they're Slytherins, so I don't blame you."

He hummed in agreement and I shifted so that my body was facing him. He kissed down the column of my throat.

"You know, you're very physically affectionate," I whispered, burying a hand in his dark, wet hair.

He nuzzled my collarbones and the crook of my neck. "Only with certain people."

"I know."

He raised a hand to push away some of my hair that was plastered to my chest, drawing his lips gently along my collarbone to the hollow of my throat. "I didn't…" He paused, perhaps to gather his thoughts, placing soft kisses across my shoulder. "I didn't think I'd ever… that this would ever happen when I first shagged you, when I first met you," he whispered, as if he were afraid of the words he was pronouncing.

"Me neither," I said, pulling a wet curl from his forehead.

"Surprising."

"Yeah."

He exhaled, turning to rest his cheek against my chest.

"What're you doing?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Listening to your heartbeat," he said. "And your voice."

I hummed, and the rumble it sent through him made him smile. He raised a pruning finger to wipe some stray soap bubbles from the top of my breast before resuming his gentle kisses. Exploring every inch of my skin above the water, he made his way to my nipple and took it into his mouth, making me toss my head back in surprise and pleasure. I buried my fingers in his hair, resting my weight on the other hand.

He sighed, breath tickling my skin. "Merlin."

"What?" I breathed.

He rubbed his forehead against my breast before planting a soft kiss there. "I dunno."

I didn't press the issue. It seemed like he didn't have the words to express whatever he was thinking, and neither did I. When I was with Sirius, I couldn't always think straight, and now, I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for him and how much I loved being around him that my words were failing me. For him, it was perhaps easier to show me how much he cared through his actions and his physical affection than through his words. I didn't blame him one bit; it had been easier for me to be physically open and affectionate with him in the forest as our animagi.

Nuzzling my breast, he enveloped my nipple with his mouth again, going slowly to savour the sensation. Then moving his mouth, he planted sweet, slow kisses across my breast, lingering in the valley between them, and travelling to the other one.

He sighed against my skin. "Merlin, Kersti."

"What?" I groaned.

"I can't get enough of you," he whispered. "Merlin, I think I'm addicted to you. And you're just so bloody perfect."

I groaned again as he kissed my nipple and then moved his mouth to the skin of my breast.

"Fuck," he sighed, and latched his mouth onto my skin, sucking and leaving a reddish purple love-bite.

"Marking your territory?" I said, fingers still buried in his hair.

"Yeah," he growled, leaving another, darker one. He stilled and pulled back enough to look me in the eye. "Sorry, kitten."

"What're you sorry for?"

"For leaving love-bites."

I smiled and stroked my thumb over his cheekbone. "I don't care. It's not like I'm shagging anyone else."

He stared at me. "You're not?"

I wanted to smile at his surprised expression; it was so obvious to me, but not to him, that I couldn't be shagging anyone else. "No, of course not. I've not shagged anyone but you since we first started sleeping together. Haven't snogged anyone else either." I studied his expression. "Did you think I was?"

He met my eyes, looking like a downtrodden puppy. "I dunno, I just…" He smiled ruefully and laid a hand on my thigh under the water. "I would've tried to shag you even if you'd been consistently seeing some other bloke."

I laughed. "But that's you, Sirius. And anyway," I said, leaning forward to nuzzle and kiss his cheek, "I couldn't've gone back to other blokes. Not when I've had mind-blowing shags from the beginning with you."

He sighed in contentment as I placed reverent kisses along his jaw, up his cheek, against his temple. "That's good," he said, his voice a husky murmur.

"I've never had bloody terrific sex with anyone except you."

"Kitten," he groaned, pulling me close. "You're the best shag I've ever had."

"I think you told me that back in November," I whispered, nipping at his earlobe.

He groaned from deep in his throat. "S'not like it's changed. Actually I reckon it's gotten more mind-blowing."

Dragging my lips down his neck to the hollow of his throat, I whispered against his skin, "You're the best shag I've ever had."

"Really?"

I hummed in agreement. "I don't want to shag anyone else anymore."

He gripped my thigh with his fingertips as I sucked on the spot where his pulse thrummed. "Fuck, kitten. I don't want to shag anyone else either. I haven't—" He groaned as I sucked harder. "Haven't shagged anyone besides you since the end of October."

"Really?" I breathed, nuzzling his collarbone.

"Yeah."

He groaned from deep in his throat as I reached down to stroke his erection. He tipped his head back so that it rested on the rounded lip of the bath. The whole pale length of his throat was exposed, and so I leaned in, caressing every inch of smooth skin with my mouth, pausing here and there to wipe stray soap bubbles away, still stroking him.

Placing a hand on my back as I sucked on a sensitive spot underneath his jaw, he groaned again. "Fuck."

I chuckled and stroked him faster. He smelt more like a wet dog now. Fuck, Sirius was going to be the death of me. "God, I'm so addicted to you too," I whispered. "Can't get enough of you."

His hips jerked up involuntarily as I tightened my grip on his cock. His answer was to tip his head farther back for me and to emit a series of strangled, unintelligible groans.

I gripped his bicep to steady myself, nipping at a spot halfway down his neck. The mere thought of anyone else getting to shag Sirius had me growling in anger and sucking hard on his neck, fully intending to leave a visible mark. Tigers were territorial, and I never wanted to share Sirius.

His chest rose and fell rapidly. "Shit," he breathed.

I could tell that he was close, so I sped up my strokes and sucked harder on the delicate skin of his throat. His hips jerked up again and then he was moaning my name as he came.

I buried my face in the junction between his neck and shoulder, nuzzling and kissing him as he panted. "Mmm, I like making you come."

He half-sighed, half-chuckled. "Should I make you come next?"

"No, it's okay. I'm not really in the mood right now." Inhaling his scent, I said, "Was that okay? I know it was kind of lackluster."

He caressed my lower back where his hand was still resting. "Don't worry, kitten. It's never lackluster. I liked it."

"That's good."

He lifted his head up to give me a lazy grin, shifting so that I could settle down in between his legs, my back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, and I was warmed by both his body and the bath water that was up to our chests. As he leaned his forehead against my shoulder, content to feel me in his arms, I shifted my attention to his left hand, against which I pressed my right hand palm to palm, to see how much bigger his hands were. His fingers were longer, the palm broader.

Sirius chuckled against my shoulder and laced his fingers with mine. "Have a thing for my hands, kitten?"

I smiled, bringing our interlaced hands to my mouth to kiss all of the joints of his left hand. "Not particularly, no."

"You sure?" he whispered in my ear, holding me close with the other hand.

"Not any more than the rest of you. But I do really like the rest of you."

He chuckled and nuzzled my ear and the side of my neck, before resting his chin on my shoulder. This way, his face was right next to mine, giving me the perfect opportunity to angle my head to place soft kisses against his cheek.

"This is nice," I whispered in his ear.

He hummed in agreement, his eyes fluttering closed and arms holding me close. "Yeah. It is, kitten."

When I was in this intimate atmosphere, I felt more comfortable sharing my feelings. "Thank you for…" I paused, trying to gather my scattered thoughts. "For being there for me recently. You've been so… such an incredible help, ever since the party. I reckon I didn't realize how much nicer it would be, to have someone to rely on, someone to talk to about my burdens."

He planted a kiss on my shoulder. "Of course, kitten."

"Sharing with you, telling you about everything, it's… much nicer than suffering through it on my own, especially with grieving for my family."

"Family issues are difficult, Kersti," he said, nuzzling my neck. "They're slippery little buggers. I know what it's like. Thankfully I had Prongs, Moony and Wormtail to help me, especially after I ran away from home. But you… you didn't have anyone. And I… I'm glad that I can help you get through this," he said, his voice descending into barely above a whisper.

I smiled, my heart seeming to be at the bursting point with my fondness for him. "Thank you, Sirius," I said, leaning my head against his.

He stroked his thumbs over my arms where he was holding me, saying nothing.

"You're really an amazing person, Sirius," I whispered. "I know that you already know this, but your parents were wrong. I swear to god, you're one of the most amazing and loyal people I've ever met. Seeing all that you do for James, Remus and Peter is… I know now that that's what you're really like. You're an amazing friend and I really am thankful that you've decided to stick around to put up with my weepy, chaotic, ill-tempered self."

He chuckled and turned his head to kiss my cheek. "You're not that bad, kitten. Sometimes I get the feeling you can't see the good parts of you like everyone else can." He hesitated, and when he spoke again, it was in a hoarse whisper. "Like I can."

I swallowed the thick lump in my throat. "I just… I feel like a monster for what I am, what I did to my family. I love them, I really do. I always have. I've always been close to them, and they were all that I had. And now I can't help but blame myself."

"I know. But even though you chose to obliviate them, you only did it with good intentions. You were forced into this situation because of stupid blood supremacists like Avery and my parents. It's never been your fault." He peeled a damp strand of hair away from my cheek with a finger. "I know it's not much consolation, but it's really not your fault."

"I know."

"It won't be like this forever, kitten."

"What do you mean?"

"The grief… gets easier over time. Eventually you come to terms with what happened, and in your case, the realization that it's never been your fault will set in. Dunno how long it'll take, since it depends on the person."

I shifted to hold one of his hands in mine. "You sound like you're speaking from experience."

"Mmm, yeah," he said and leaned his forehead against my hair. "I hate my parents, don't get me wrong. But deep down inside me, some part of me has— and always will— consider them to be my parents, even though I stopped seeing them as caring adult figures a long, long time ago. Unfortunately, there seems to be some stubborn part of me deep inside that still recognizes them as the ones who brought me into this world. When the… troubles at home started, I tried to cut out that part of me, tried to bury it. I've never been successful. Even now, I've not yet learnt how to live with that faint sliver of loyalty I have for them. But as I've gotten older, I've learnt to at least tolerate that it is there. Helped to get my own place, I reckon. Thank Merlin for Uncle Alphard, may he rest in peace. What a poor sod."

We both chuckled at this. "Whose brother was he? Mother's or father's side?" I asked.

"Mother Dearest's brother. She was older than him."

"I'm glad he left you enough in his will for you to get your own flat"

He chuckled and nuzzled the top of my head. "Me too. I reckon you'll like my flat, kitten."

"So I get to see it whether I want to or not?" I joked.

"Yeah. You're not getting out of seeing it. I'll drag you there directly from King's Cross if I have to. And I'll force you to show me your Muggle car."

"You won't really be forcing me to do either of those things, since I won't let you not show me your flat."

He laughed quietly and rested his chin on the top of my head.

We faded into a comfortable silence, content to bask in the heat of the bath and the glow of our time together. As the bubbles slowly vanished, the water never cooled. I figured this must be due to some charm cast over the bath. As the time dragged slowly by, Sirius began yawning more and more often. When he began yawning nearly every minute, I laughed and shifted in his arms.

"We should leave before you fall asleep in the bath."

He hummed and nuzzled my hair. "I don't want to leave."

"You're exhausted and going to fall asleep on me, and then you'll get all wrinkly like a prune."

He chuckled. "Sorry for the yawning, kitten. Last night was a full moon."

"So you've been awake for over twenty-four hours now?"

"Maybe."

I laughed. "Sirius, you should have told me. I wouldn't've made you stay soaking in the bath for this long."

"You weren't making me stay, kitten. I wanted to. I don't really want to leave right now anyway."

"You fancy turning into a prune?"

"Maybe, if it means I can stay here with you."

My heart threw itself against my ribcage and I smiled. "There's always tomorrow, old man. I'm not going anywhere."

He squeezed his arms around me and planted a last kiss on my cheek. "Good."

With great reluctance, I disentangled myself from him and hopped out of the bath, stretching the soothed muscles in my shoulders and neck as I went to retrieve my robes. When I'd reclaimed my wand, I cast a charm that caused a gust of warm air to immediately dry both me and Sirius.

"Nice, kitten," he said, half into his trousers, and now with extremely voluminous and poofy hair.

"Oh, sorry!" I said, laughing and slipping on my shirt.

"Your hair looks the same," he said with a smile.

Raising a hand to pat my head, I realized that I must now have the same hair problem as Sirius. "Oops."

"You look cute," he said, doing up his belt and then the buttons of his shirt.

"You look cute too."

He laid a hand on his chest dramatically. "I always do, kitten."

I imitated him. "I always do, you silly dog."

He let out a bark of laughter and pulled his grey uniform jumper over his head. "I wasn't lying."

"I wasn't lying either," I said, slipping on my remaining clothes and then walking over to him.

He watched me, grinning from ear to ear. Reaching his hand out to take mine, he pulled me closer and dipped his head down to kiss me slowly. When we broke apart, we were both smiling, and we still were when we left the Prefects' Bathroom and went our separate ways, with a parting smack on my arse from Sirius. Merlin, this boy was going to be the death of me, and I knew deep down inside that with every day, he was well on his way to coaxing me into falling in love with him, whether that was his intention or not.