Chapter 44. January 1, εуλ0008
The new year dawned, without Aerith in it. Hours drew on. Days upon days ahead, that Aerith would never see. Travelling forward through the snowfields, the bitter cold was a welcome distraction from the weight shared among all their hearts, uniting the party with sorrow in a way nothing else could.
No one had wanted to stay in the Forgotten City any longer; sleepless, they'd trudged through the daylight hours, but as the winter sun began its early setting, and a village was spied ahead, it was with tacit agreement that they decided to go no further this night.
Exhaustion was visible throughout the team. Yuffie was whining to keep warm. Cid and Barret muttered about joint pains like old men, and even sleepless Vincent looked glummer than usual.
But it was from Tifa that Cloud took his cue, and there was no denying it – she was exhausted. She was trying to tough it out, but her sagging limbs and droopy eyelids showed she was fighting a losing battle. Even Cloud, able to fight the physical wear, knew the mental toll was too much on top of it.
Icicle Inn was the name of the town as well as the lodging, but both were warm and cozy once they got inside the buildings. Tifa and Yuffie both made a line for the fire of the common room; the ambient air on the route overland had been warmer than one might expect, but colder than was suitable for the way they were dressed. The way any of them were dressed, really. There had hardly been a chance for any of them to buy supplies. Cloud planned to delegate that task just as soon as everyone was warm and fed, before anyone got too settled.
An hour or so later, they dispersed through the village on their mission. Snowboards, check. Map, check. They'd pretty well scanned the town, only one house left untouched. It was Cloud and Tifa, joined by Vincent, who ended up in front of the door, curious enough to check it out.
They knocked once, twice, three times, with no response. Cloud and Tifa looked at each other quizzically. On a hunch, Cloud tested the doorknob, turning it to find the door unlocked, and he surreptitiously opened it. Sheer manners dictated not to enter uninvited, but as he turned as if to depart, the sword accidentally clanged against the doorframe, a sound so deep and resonant that it was as if it was objecting. That somehow it wanted him to go inside.
Tifa tried to step in first, but Cloud motioned her back; she obeyed. He needn't have bothered. The inside was abandoned, ghostly quiet. Stranger still was the interior, as they stepped outside into a sea of artificial lighting. Looking over the railing of a staircase leading down, Cloud could see the bottom floor of the house appeared to be perfectly ordinary living quarters. But the upstairs, where they'd entered, was a mess of technology, computers and monitors everywhere, wires strung across the floor and lights beeping red and green for who knows how long. Mako powered, Cloud realized; the dust on the floor showed the place had long been uninhabited, making that the only reason the power here still worked. The rest of the town ran on old-fashioned sources of energy; what was special about this one house?
Who had lived here, once upon a time?
Tifa, meanwhile, had been peering into shelves and drawers, hunting for clues, as Vincent stood observing. Suddenly, she gave an a-ha of victory. "Cloud," she said, "here's some video tapes. They look pretty old, but if the rest of the computers are working, maybe the player is as well?" She held up one, tipping her head in a question.
"Yeah… sounds like a good idea." At Cloud's nod, Vincent took the tape gently from Tifa's hand, and efficiently scoured the machines before them, quickly finding what they needed. He was a Turk, Cloud reminded himself. Sometimes those roots shone through. Pressing a button, the ancient video began to play, grainy in quality but sound clear and sharp.
Tifa gasped when the picture came up on the screen.
The setting, the same room they were in now, cleaner, shinier – some time past, when the house was still in use. A man in a white coat, a scientist for certain; but it was the woman that was grabbing all of their attention. Long chestnut hair, a delicate cherubic face, wide beautiful eyes so completely resembling –
"Aerith," Tifa choked out. Cloud's heart sank. It couldn't be… this woman looked to be the same age as Aerith, so unless this video was taken last week… but no, it bore all the marks of age on it. "We should just watch," he suggested softly, trying his best to soothe Tifa's jangled nerves. "We'll find out that way."
Nerves weren't much soothed as they watched the first two tapes; the woman was Ifalna, and she was… a Cetra. And the man, Professor Gast. He'd heard that name before… wait… connected with the Jenova project? Yet here he was with a true Ancient, continents away from Shinra… why? He forced himself to pay attention as Ifalna explained the Cetra and Jenova, craving the new information as much as he was disturbed by the other questions being raised.
The third tape… something was different. He couldn't explain it at first, but… woman's intuition took over. "Look, Cloud!" Tifa exclaimed happily. "They're in love!" She clapped her hands. "It must have happened between the last video and this one… look how differently they behave here…"
That was what he and his shitty emotional capabilities had missed, but now he saw it immediately. Even in the poor quality, it was in the glances, the body language. It reminded him of when he was with…
"The video was labeled 'Daughter's Record – 10 Days After Birth'," Vincent interrupted. Cloud and Tifa exchanged an anticipatory glance. Could it be…
"I've decided on a name. It's Aerith," the video said. The sound echoed through the empty room, the two of them now as speechless as Vincent. Tifa finally broke the silence. "It really was…" she trailed off in wonder. "Aerith was born here…"
If only we'd found this in time, Cloud wondered. How she would have wanted to know.
If Vincent had any thoughts on the subject, he kept it too himself. "There's one more tape," he told them, all business. "This one's twenty days after birth."
"Put it in," Cloud urged. Tifa nodded vigorously.
He wished he hadn't, as before them unfolded… a tragic end to a brand-new family. This is who Aerith was supposed to grow up with. Shinra, that damn Hojo murdering Gast before their eyes, taking Ifalna and the infant who became their late friend; he was tempted to cover Tifa's eyes, her ears, wanting to protect her from this tragedy – but he knew she was so much stronger than that. And true to form, even though she was openly rattled, she never took her eyes away until a Shinra grunt turned to the camera's eye, and the video ended with the bang of a gunshot, going to black.
The silence now was even longer; each observed the moment respectfully for the memory of not just Aerith, but her lost parents as well. Cloud burned and seethed with rage, mentally laying yet another sin on the tower Shinra's deeds had already built. One day he would make it all topple down. One day…
"But wait," Tifa suddenly spoke up. "Aerith said… she lost her mother when she was seven." A shared loss they'd acknowledged together, camping outside Junon. "Elmyra even told us about finding her. But she was taken as a baby. Where… was she until then?"
Vincent had the answer. "Captive with Shinra. Hojo would not let such a sample go so easily." Cloud inwardly cursed the echoing of Hojo's horrid, dehumanizing term. "I would expect Aerith, being so young, would not have yet been a viable candidate for Hojo's research." He paused. "I fear for what her mother might have gone through."
Breeding, Tifa remembered, Shinra's plans for Aerith when they'd found her as an adult. She shuddered, hoping nothing like that had happened to Ifalna… Aerith, fortunately, had never mentioned any siblings… There was no way to know.
"Let's go," Cloud snarled, but instead of roughly bundling Tifa out the way his tone suggested, his touch was gentle as he escorted her out of the building. Not so for the door, which he slammed angrily shut. Tifa couldn't tell if he was regretting entering, discovering. Isn't it better to know? She wasn't even convincing herself, unsure if this new knowledge made things better or worse.
"We will have to tell the others." Vincent partly answered her unspoken question. "They must hear, even if it's not pleasant."
Cloud, one arm still draped around her, nodded. She wasn't inclined to move from him. "I guess. We had better get back." They walked back to the inn that way, his warm flesh mixing with the rapidly cooling air. All Tifa could do now was send her best wishes towards the Lifestream, with no way of knowing if they would reach the other side. Aerith… and your mother… I hope you are at peace.
It went as well as could be expected. Outrage shared, each hating Shinra in their own way. Barret blustered, Cid cursed, Nanaki glared; Cait Sith looked almost melancholy. Whomever was on the other end… he wondered if they were regretting being part of Shinra even more.
Cloud hoped they did.
As every night the group had spent together, each slipped away in their own time, he and Tifa the final two left. Eventually, though, they knew it was time for sleep. Together, they walked upstairs, first stopping in front of Cloud's room, the closer.
Thoughts would not release him, though. Where are you now, Aerith? Did you join the Lifestream? Have you met Ifalna, Gast? That love you mentioned?
Are you happy, wherever you are?
Could she hear his thoughts? He didn't know, but he let his wishes drift away nevertheless, surfing on a wave of pain. Only Tifa's presence near kept him from collapse.
She followed him through the door, letting it click shut behind her, as if she knew. Speechless, they stood together in the room, both needing, both unsure.
He didn't want to ask her to leave. He couldn't. But as they looked at each other, only steps apart, he could feel the blood pounding in his ears and body, and he knew he needed her to go before it was too late.
She didn't go.
His eyes grew dark, feral. Desperate and hungry, in a way she'd never seen before. Startled, Tifa took a step back, stopped from going further as she bumped the wall; and even as she gazed to find something wild and haggard in him, there was also something very, very real. A spark she had been looking for, hoped and dreamed to find – a deep, precious part of him that nothing had been able to reach.
The real him.
That light in his eyes, remembered from years ago and even before, when he had been nothing but a child. It struck the heart of her, and in her belly, something stirred in response, a hungry desire that she could not bring herself to indulge.
Warring impulses inside her…
…tell him… he needs to know…
…don't tell him… it will only break him more…
Cloud leaned forward, bringing his hands to either side of her head, surrounding her, pinning her to the wall unless she ducked to avoid the embrace. His chest, his arms, brushing hers, and she knew she should stop this, stop this now, but she found herself frozen still, mirrored desire in his eyes gripping her, freezing her where she stood, unable to break away, still unable to meet his unspoken request.
…who is he?...
…he is Cloud… only Cloud…
Cloud swallowed, his pants tight and painful as his mouth ran dry. Tifa before him, temptation of a lifetime incarnate. He licked his lips unconsciously, visceral desire overtaking him, wanting to just fuck, to feel something other than pain and shame.
…but this is HER…
That tantalizing glimpse… Tifa knew she would do anything, if only it would let her reach inside and bring that flame inside to life… she'd use her words, her touch, her body…
…her body... his kiss…
...wanted… should…
…shouldn't… not now…
…too soon… not soon enough…
…AERITH!...
…this is wrong, a voice told Cloud, not the voice that had been following across the world to tragedy, but another voice, a voice that resonated with a truth too long held back. He wanted to throw her to the ground, kiss her senseless, tear her clothes off and ravish her until she screamed his name, the two of them together, both desperate to feel something, anything, that would let her – and him – know they were both here, ALIVE, feeling…
…he hadn't FELT in far too long…
Somehow, he knew, if he asked, she would give. Let him use her body, use her, whatever he needed to bring him back… but he couldn't. Not like this, not when he was trapped in his head, touching her but unable to truly reach for her. Failing her in yet another way, yet he could not break the contact of their skin, tear the gaze away from the burning fires of her eyes, the fires of life.
...Aerith's eyes… watching the light fade away…
…catching her as she fell, watching life turn to stone, warm to cold in his arms…
…Tifa, warm and alive… needed to hold life in his arms…
Wanting, needing, to touch her, feel her, from all along her length to deep inside, to make sure she was still there… Aerith, ethereal versus Tifa, so touchable, visceral, the one to first touch his heart and open him to this…
…can't lose her too…
…need her…
She was all he had left, his only branch to cling to. When not looking back, was no longer an option.
…TIFA!...
The silent scream was in him once again, fighting to be heard, bubbling under a surface he couldn't break through…
…the voices… Sephiroth…
He wanted to run to her. He wanted to run from her.
…Aerith… he almost had…
If he had an ounce of sense in his body, he would leave her behind. Leave them all behind… but.. HER most of all…
…but I can't let her out of my sight…
An image of Tifa, sliced down the chest, overlapped for a moment with the memory of Aerith impaled.
Tifa could only remain, back flush against the wall, static with indecision… and then, surging forward, he was THERE, strong arms wrapping around him, crushing her so tight she could barely breathe and didn't care, the heat and strength of his body was everything…
…kiss him…
He buried his head in her shoulder. It was weak, a weakness he didn't want to show, not to her…
…only to her…
…she needs a hero…
…you'll never be a hero… look what you've done…
…but even more, he never wanted to show that side to anyone else…
…only to her…
…always her…
…she loves you…
The last came unbidden, a bit of wishful thinking that never would be true…
…Aerith loved you…
…don't ever love someone if you don't want to hurt them…
..Tifa loves you…
…is it you Tifa loves?...
…was it YOU Aerith loved?...
…would ANYONE ever love you…
…Sephiroth's chilled, indifferent voice, scorning him. "Are you saying you have feelings too?"...
…and he was crashing to his knees, Tifa struggling to catch him as he fell, he pulling her down to the floor with him, burying his head in her lap…
He FELT. Oh, goddess… he FELT… and he could put no name to any of it, feelings, foreign things that had eluded him for so long… Aerith, yes… she's gone, gone forever, I should have been stronger, faster… yet so much of it was wrapped up in the woman who crumbled to the floor with him… I'm nobody's hero… I failed her, I failed you, Tifa…
Tifa could only let her back slide down the wall, watching Cloud falling apart, finally, here where it was only her to see. Dry sobs wracked his back, as even now he forced away tears, unwilling to let them be seen. Fiercely, she clung to him, letting the storm ride out,
…Aerith, smiling and dead…
…Cloud, broken and alive…
How many others she loved would be hurt before all was said and done?
Untold moments stretched out, time with no meaning, as Cloud's pain slowly subsided, and Tifa's with it as well; bitterness leaching out of her own heart as she clung to him. The deepest wounds were still there, forever scarring her psyche; she knew, with the wisdom of experience, that those would never heal, not completely. They were a part of her and him now.
She hadn't realized he'd been grabbing fistfuls of the fabric of her top, yanking it down to just before the point of revelation, she wishing for once she had more clothes for him to cling to. He used his hold to pull himself up to her shoulder, his breath rapid and hot against her skin.
Nor could she remember when her own hand had buried in the softness of his hair, the intimacy of the touch setting her aflame in a way she only now was conscious of. Her knee, bent up, felt his erection through his pants – and she found her body reacting as well, a growing heat between her legs.
She pulled his head back, forcing him to look at her once again. The Mako in his eyes flared bright, and for the briefest flash of the smallest second –
- she SAW it –
- what she had seen before, but complete and in full -
…him…
…it's really him…
…CLOUD!...
She should tell him…
…she wanted to do so much more than speak…
..and here she was… so close to him… and somehow she knew, that with the slightest move, he would be hers…
…she just KNEW…
He laid his head against her chest, let her pull him tight. Crying without tears, just like the boy that he once was and might be still.
She just knew… everything there was to know about him…
…everything she felt for him…
…she loved him…
…she loved him enough to hold back…
She couldn't bring herself to act.
Not now, so soon after…
…Aerith would smile and tell her not to wait…
…it wasn't right…
…would it EVER be right?...
…would HE ever be right?...
She couldn't. She wasn't Aerith. Aerith didn't waste time…
…you're wasting time…
…time… I need time…
…Cloud, please give me time… I just need more time…
His dry sobs had subsided. The moment had passed. He lifted his head, a little-boy look on his face, the silent sentiment, please don't tell…
She never would. This belonged to only the two of them. But regrets filled her nevertheless, shared pain leaving them dry and purified at the same time as she wondered, what almost happened here?
Would they ever be able to say what was in their hearts? But her inner voice scolded, not until you reveal the secrets you're hiding in yours.
He gently extricated himself from their clumsy entanglement on the floor, embarrassed at their suggestive position. Mortified at what he'd nearly done. Not now. Not until I deserve her.
He'd made that promise to himself, long ago, and nothing about it had changed.
He lifted one gloved finger, tracing a line down her chest. "This is where the scar should be," he said; shocked, she swallowed and nodded.
How does he know that? she wondered, even as she didn't care, ready to trade ignorance for the tenderness he'd shown in that moment. Yet the doubt remained, the one strange detail reminding her of her reluctance to tell him the truth.
"I should go," she said gently, a rose blush garnishing her cheeks. He only nodded. But as she stood, opening the door and stepping into the hall, his heart screamed out the single word…
…STAY…
The day dawned, and Vincent wondered.
Cloud and Tifa… he wondered if he realized how much their bodies shouted. About what they had and hadn't done. He knew what they should have, taken love, even pleasure, where they found it – while they had a chance.
Aerith's death should have taught them that.
Gast. He'd barely known the man, but… the same man he'd known as the head of the project that had crushed Vincent's dreams, stolen his body, his love, and his life… that was Aerith's father. A man so tender, loving with his wife and daughter.
Another man who had lost so much.
Cid, by his side, spat out a wad of tobacco into the snow. The brown glop gleamed against the pristine white. "Wish those two would just go ahead and fuck already."
Vincent turned his blood eyes to the other man. "Cid, what is Shera to you?"
"Shera? She's, um…" Cid scrambled, probably for something he could say without expletives. He narrowed his eyes at Vincent suspiciously. "Why?"
"An overpowering love can consume you in the end," Vincent responded cryptically. "Don't wait until it's too late."
Cid paused. "I don't know what the hell you even mean." But as they both went silent, Cid seemed for a long time to be thinking.
Finally, the party gathered, gear sorted and stashed as needed. "Ok, leader," Barret joshed, "what's the big plan? Which way are we going?"
Cloud was looking away, as if seeing something no one else could see. When he spoke, he said just one word. "North."