Author's Note: Update! As soon as I get a bit more time I will post a few more chapters. Until then, I hope this helps with the delays!
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. I simply play in their world.
Reviews: Woohoo! I have over 200 reviews! You love me! You really love me-ahem. Sorry, I got a bit ahead of myself there. Hehehe
"I was dying to
hear
someone say
That I didn't need
to try so hard to be perfect,
That I was enough
and
it was okay."
-Faded and Dreaming
Kylo Ren
I feel numb.
No, not entirely. I feel as if a part of me has been reborn and all I have ever known, ever been, is gone.
I no long know who I am anymore.
The rage of grief festering like a cancer in my soul has been purged and I am hollow because of it.
Rain falls around us, a hazy shield softening the cruel edges of destruction we caused.
I look up at Rey and wonder if the man who loved her with such desperation still exists.
Is it only rain sliding down her face or are those tears?
Why would she cry for a monster like me?
I see her grief, her shame drowning in fractal amber. A spark, something of who I was, stirs.
But exhaustion has laid iron hands on me and it's all I can do not to fall over.
"Oh Ben what have I done?"
She speaks with trembling sorrow. An ache of nameless emotions welling up and for the first time since I took the name Kylo Ren, I'm terrified.
I asked, no I begged her, to tell me what I mean to her. Now she's speaking and I don't know if I'm strong enough to listen.
To the truth that lies between us.
I hate you!
The whip of her voice inside my head, venomous barbed words from earlier shattering my resolve.
Perhaps I am the coward she named me earlier because I decide I don't want the answer.
I have to tell her she doesn't need to answer but she forestalls me, her words tumbling out so quickly she leaves me in stunned disbelief.
"You're not my enemy. I was s-so angry and I blamed you for all of it."
I...am I dreaming? Did I imagine those words?
Woeful eyes silently pleading for forgiveness.
"I never h-hated you." She's breaking me with her sorrow and I can endure no more, "I'm-"
"Rey."
I'm shaking as I reach for her, a relief so intense I'm lightheaded.
She doesn't hate me. This woman I thought I had lost in my madness and rage, begging me for forgiveness.
I'm the one who should be on my knee's.
She flinches away and I halt a bare inch from her. She's tucked her chin, a dull flush across her pallid skin.
The relief I felt seconds ago evaporates into confusion.
She doesn't hate me but neither does she welcome my touch. Her reaction now is evident.
Just what is going on here? The numbness from earlier fading and I am left floundering in the dark.
"What am I to you?" I swore I didn't need her answer and yet here I am, begging her for it regardless, "You say I'm...not your enemy...then what?"
Weariness and cold sapping my feeble strength I've manage to recover and I don't care. I push my body beyond its limits so I can be closer to her.
She looks up at me, haunting vulnerability tinged with ardent longing and these are not the eyes of a woman who abhors my touch.
Something else is stopping her from accepting me and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and take it.
"Ben! You can't move-"
Shock and worry alighting her voice as pain crawls across my body, muscles screaming in protest.
I don't care. I have to touch her.
Damn these gloves, they might insulate against the cold but it also means I can't feel the softness of her skin beneath my hand.
I cup her face as tears splash down. It is not just the strain on my body causing me to shake.
She turns, burying her face in my hand, the ghost of a smile on her lips as lids drop to cover her eyes.
Even in her pain, her sorrow, she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
"Ben...I...you..."
Her voice barely a whisper I hear each poignant word with clarity.
She saved me and yet here she is, killing me all over again with the uncertainty of my fate in her life.
"Just tell me Rey." Whatever it is she wants from me I will do it. I just have to know.
"Please."
A shudder against my palm, her warm breath reaching through the leather and still she will not look at me.
"I've been lying this entire time." Softly murmured words and I strain closer, "To you. To my friends." Another trembling breath, "But mostly to myself."
I hear her words, they sound like a confession but I don't understand them.
What lies is she talking about?
"You and I...we've made so many mistakes with each other."
Quiet words ripping my already bleeding soul in two. She sounds as if she's saying...good-bye.
Is this my answer? I was never anything more than a mistake to her?
All of our time together...the good and the bad...it meant nothing to her?
I shudder at her rejection and wonder why she even let me get this close.
Why she bothered to heal me at all.
If this is her answer then I was better of dead.
At least I could have held onto my illusion someone like her...loved a monster like me.
She grabs my hand before I can pull it back, her grip surprising and I stare into blazing amber.
She's finally looking at me.
Panic and some other emotion, something far more dangerous alight in her gaze and she holds me spellbound, unable to move.
"Ben, listen to me." Ardent pleading in her lilting voice and I've lost to her again, "There is one thing that wasn't a mistake."
Hope, the cruelest form of torture, kindles in my soul.
How many more times will I let her destroy me with it? I gaze into her and realize it doesn't matter.
I would shatter my heart a thousand times over if only in the hopes she would pick up a single shard and hold it close so I can feel her warmth.
"What was it?"
Her grip crushing my hand and I welcome the pain because what I see in her eyes is far more agonizing.
I've seen this look before. From a time when I dreamed of something beyond endless war and bloodshed.
...the sound of footsteps on stone and I turn to see a vision of gold standing in sunlight, her beauty leaving me trembling and weak in adoration...
"Ben."
...she's in my arms, gentle fingers cupping my face, her eyes filled with impossibly sweet yearning...
"Ben...wake up..."
...cajoling laughter and the press of soft, warm lips against my skin...
"Loving you."
Memories from yesterday crash into the reality of today as her voice soothes the jagged edges of my splintered heart.
My Rey...speaking words of love.
What we shared, what we meant to each other...
Not a mistake.
Something around my ice-ridden heart cracks, a searing heat down my skin and my vision blurs.
I can barely make her out but I hear the broken cadence of her words as they wrap around my soul.
"When I realized I did...I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop."
Her words from earlier about lies finally make sense.
She wasn't lying to me about her feelings...but to herself. Trying to tell herself, and others, she didn't love me.
"Why?"
My vision is slowly clearing but the ache in my chest, the pressure in my lungs hasn't let up.
So many emotions swirling in her gaze.
Regret, guilt and fear but above else...love.
Terrifying, aching...love.
Times seems to crawl, the world suspended when she moves closer to me.
Chilled fingers caress my face as she fills my vision until I ache with hopeless longing.
Her forehead pressed to mine, breath softer than a whisper and I no longer care who I am anymore.
I feel the pulse of her heart against mine and slow my breathing to match hers.
I am not the leader of the First Order. She is not the last Jedi and savior of the Resistance.
She is not my enemy nor am I hers.
We our...ourselves.
Hopelessly flawed and broken but not alone.
Not when we're together.
"When I am with you...," soft, haunting words and I drown in her wistful longing, "I don't feel afraid or confused. I feel stronger, braver...and that cannot be wrong."
I...feel the same.
There was always something about her giving me courage to keep going, to keep fighting when all I ever wanted to do was die.
"Rey-"
Where do I begin to explain, to tell her how much I-
"I love you Ben. I am in love with your darkness and your light."
Tears, hot and scalding my skin run unchecked and I cannot hold them back.
How long have I stumbled in the dark waiting to hear those words?
To know she loved all of me yet believing she never would.
"I'm not afraid of who I am anymore because...I'm just like you."
With each confession I am reborn. Shedding the weight of Kylo Ren, a heavy mantle of death and retribution that no longer fits who I want to be.
Because of her.
She pulls away and it leaves me gasping at the bereft of her gentle warmth.
Rain continues to fall overhead, soaking us and when I lift my eyes to stare up at her I swear she has never looked more beautiful.
All the imperfections of her soul, the tears and mistakes I see reflected only heighten my adoration.
The light shining from her eyes is almost blinding and fear crawls back in and I wonder how she can bear to be stained by all the darkness I still carry within.
But she doesn't look scared at all.
Her hand reaching out to cup my face, her lips curving upward and I see the remnant of the woman who stole my heart and left a void none could fill but her.
"You think you carry so much darkness in you...but you never once understood...you are my light."
That...can't be. I'm a nightmare others fear and yet I only see truth in her unwavering gaze.
She doesn't see me as a monster.
She sees me as a man. A man...worthy of her love.
I turn and press my face into her palm, wondering what I did to make this strong, beautiful woman want me.
She has me, all of me. I swear I will never turn away from her light.
Everything that I am...belongs to her.
"Ben...oh Ben..."
Whispers of love in the name she speaks and I turn back to her, wanting...no, needing to be that man again.
I don't know if Ben Solo still exists inside me somewhere but if he does I will find him.
Tears glimmering in fractal amber, I hardly breath when her mouth lowers to mine.
Soft and coaxing they slide across, delicate heat chasing away the chill of death clinging to my bones.
I yield beneath her sweetness, her burning light.
She tastes of forgiveness and redemption.
She tastes of home.
I grip her jaw, no longer feeling pain or exhaustion.
There is only here and now.
There is only her.
I feel her trembling, mouth moving desperately over mine, igniting my soul before she pulls away leaving me wanting.
I love her. She loves me.
So why, why am I feeling nothing but sorrow and loss through our bond.
"You taught me what it was to live."
She leaves me mute, unable to speak through the lump in my throat. I wasn't the one teaching her, she was always there coloring my world.
I should have told her how alive I feel when I am with her. How my day begins and ends with my thoughts centered around her.
Fingers brushing away my soaked hair and again I am flooded by her sorrow and desperation.
There is something she needs me to understand and I am trying to untangle the knot of her emotions.
"Ben...I never wanted to rule a galaxy...all I ever wanted...was you. Just you."
She shatters my world.
By the Force...all this time I thought I had to prove myself to her.
Because it's all anyone ever expected out of me. I had to prove I was worthy to bear the name 'Ben'.
To be the son of Han and Leia Solo, fabled hero's of the Republic.
To prove to Luke Skywalker I was worthy of his teaching as a Jedi and then to Snoke to join the rank of Sith.
All my life I've had to prove myself and here she is...telling me I was always enough for her as I am now.
I've been a blind idiot this entire time.
"Rey."
I pull her back into my arms and she comes willing and I steal the breath from her lip. I have to because she's left me gasping for air.
I love her and I will spend the rest of my life reminding her of that fact.
She clings to me and it feels like I'm learning her all over again.
Each breath, each sigh from her lips is music filling my empty soul.
She pulls away and I see her with new eyes.
My beautiful Rey.
She blinks and terrible sorrow darkens her gaze and dread grips me in steel claws.
Something is wrong.
"I love you Ben. I never stopped."
I hear the finality in her words, not joy but good-bye.
She's on her feet turning her back to me.
No! I won't let it end this way.
Not when we've finally found each other.
I reach out grabbing her wrist, my sides heaving and my muscles twinging in renewed pain but I don't care.
"Don't leave." Not yet, not when there is still so much I need to say, "Rey..."
She stops and I see the tears spill down her face, her lips trembling and her body shaking.
"Ben...I want to stay...but I can't."
Yes she can. We're together now, we can do anything. Go anywhere.
Our battle is done.
But her eyes tell a different story.
"Palpatine is still out there and I can't run from him."
Her words are like a hard slap to my face.
Palpatine, the nightmare from her childhood. The man responsible for the darkness, the chaos plaguing the galaxy.
Someone has to stop him I know that.
But I can feel her inside me. Terror, fear and uncertainty beating at me.
"You don't have to do this."
She is in no shape to take on Darth Sidious. She barely survived taking on me. Between the battle and the healing if she goes after him in her current state...
She'll die.
"Yes I do." A weary sigh and a shake of her head, "It's fitting isn't it? Send a Palpatine to face a Palpatine?"
Is that what's driving her suicidal impulse? Because of her bloodline? What is it going to take for me to wake her up?
She showed me I no longer have to walk my grandfather's path just to prove who I am.
What must I do to make her see it holds true for her as well.
She doesn't have to atone for Palpatine's evil.
I tug on her wrist, using a touch of the Force to augment my strength and she tumbles back to my side.
I cup the back of her neck, pressing my forehead to hers.
My strength is leaching out but I swear I will find a way to keep her safe.
Even from herself if I have to.
I am not going to let her throw her life away. I will find a solution for us.
I helped make this mess I can damn well get us out of it.
I just need time.
"Ben do you know what I regret most about us?"
Soft, lilting words breaking my concentration and I swear she has her hands wrapped around my soul, holding it hostage.
I can't turn away from her.
"Tell me."
Whatever else she needs to say cannot possibly shock me anymore than she has already.
"I never got to marry you."
I lied.
Shuddering, I snap my head back wondering if this is some kind of cruel joke she's playing on me.
All I ever wanted since the day I found her was to bind my life to hers.
There is no laughter in her solemn gaze, only hopeless yearning.
She's...she's telling the truth.
My beautiful, wild, irrepressible Rey...wanting to be my wife.
I can't hold back and I pull her to me, claiming her mouth. Demanding her surrender.
She yields beneath me and I swear when this is all over with I'm going to make love to her for a week and then...
I'm going to marry her.
Her fingers buried in my hair, a painful tugging that is all too familiar.
She is wild and desperate in my arms and I know she loves me.
This is real.
She won't leave me. We'll find a way to beat Palpatine together.
She shoves at my chest and I gasp hard, my mind reeling from the blow and lack of oxygen.
She's out of my arms and far enough away my meager strength isn't enough to bring her back.
"Rey!"
I read the terrible truth in her stubborn gaze.
She has no intentions of listening to me.
Or staying.
She is firmly convinced dying is the only way to end this war.
"I want you to live Ben but more than anything...I want you to be happy."
She's breaking me. How can she expect me to be happy without her?
I force my body to move but for once it fails me and I am left on my hands and knee's, reaching for her.
A few short meters away and she might as well be on the other side of the planet.
"You are my happiness!"
Doesn't she realize I won't ever be complete without her?
"Rey you can't defeat him by yourself!"
Damn it I can't move! I've never felt so helpless in my life.
"I know."
Chocked words and suffocating fear.
She knows she'll die if she faces him and still determined to go through with it anyway.
"Then don't do this!" I'm reaching for her but it's not enough, "Why are you so determined to throw away your life? You don't have to die to prove you're a Jedi!"
I hear her muffled cry, hands pressed to her mouth and I don't want to hurt her. But I have to make her see the truth.
"I'm not doing this to prove I'm a Jedi." She lowers her hands and the resolve in her gaze chills my soul, "I know I'm not. But I made a promise to my family."
Of all the things to say!
"Rey your parents are-"
"Dead, I know."
Despite the wind and rain I hear her. She's finally acknowledged her parents are dead and gone.
So what 'promise' is she referring to?
She look at me with pleading eyes, begging me to understand.
"But I'm talking about my new family. Poe, Finn, Chewie. Leia. The Resistance. They believe in me."
Of course. I should have realized earlier. She's devoted to the Resistance and their cause.
To my mother no matter the cost.
"Ben you're always telling me I'm stronger than I know so please...don't give up on me now."
I'm not giving up on her but what's she planning on doing...even for a fully fledged Jedi who has mastered the Force...what she is about to attempt is suicide.
It took Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader to defeat the emperor the first time.
Rey, with only a year of training behind her, is no match for him.
"Don't forget me Ben."
I stare up at her, heedless of the tears I feel rolling down my face and hear the good-bye staining her voice.
She doesn't expect to see me again.
I love you.
Her shattered words inside my mind, binding my soul.
"Rey!"
A sob, the wind or her voice I can't tell anymore.
All I know is she's running from me, disappearing into the silver rain and there is nothing I can do to stop her.
"No! Rey! Come back!"
But there is no answer.
Just the waves crashing against the rocks, the wind blowing harsh salty spray into my face.
I've...lost her.
Again.