A/N: Please forgive any errors; I wrote a third of this at 3 AM on my phone's Google Docs app.

TW: Discussions of Suicide
TW: Overmedicating
TW: Discussions of Physical Abuse
TW: Discussions of Emotional Abuse
TW: Depression Symptoms

Draco cancelled his planned outing with Scarlett.

As worried as he was for Hermione the first day after leaving her job, Draco worried more as she seemed to get worse. Not suicidal, no, Draco would have understood that. He could have helped her deal with that. Wanting to kill himself had been a firm ending; something he either did or didn't do. It was a solution to a perceived problem.

Hermione didn't become suicidal, she went numb. It was her posture first, the slumped shoulders and a constant need to be at least somewhat lying down. Then she stopped brushing her teeth at night. Hermione believed he didn't notice she'd been cheating with mouthwash, but Draco knew all the tricks. He'd been down a parallel street close enough to see what was happening, but not quite close enough to stop it. That first week whittled so much of Hermione away that Draco worked from home. He wouldn't leave the manor, could barely tolerate being away from her long enough to bathe. Hermione needed Draco, but he didn't understand what part of him would help.

One night Hermione asked, "Is it the potion?"

Draco glanced up from his desk.

"Sorry?"

"I feel like rubbish. Absolute, complete rubbish. I thought the medication was meant to help, but it's not, is it?"

"Perhaps it is keeping you afloat."

"Well the goal isn't to tread water for the rest of my life! The goal is to get better and I am sinking lower every day. But it's not like I want to die, I don't know how to explain what I want. I don't have enough energy to want anything. I miss my job and my house and my friends—"

"Who says you haven't got friends?"

"They are so distant now." Hermione wiped some snot away with the end of her sweater sleeve. "And who can blame them? I am nothing anymore, a shadow of the Hermione Granger I used to be."

"I don't think that's true."

"No?"

"No."

Hermione challenged, "Then what do you think this is?"

"Chrysalid."

She frowned, but admitted, "That is an interesting notion."

"Not mine, I'm afraid." Draco admitted, "Bastien came up with it when I was going through my transition from recovery to suicide then back to recovery again. It is a growth and rebirth sort of thing."

"The only problem is that transition involves a way out of this, and I don't see one."

"You fail to see it now, which does not mean you never will."

"What am I without a high-power career? A housewife?"

"Absolutely not," Draco teased, "I have already claimed the title of housewife in this relationship, so you can't have it."

"You're working right now, Draco. You're working! And what am I doing but strolling about the manor in pyjama bottoms and one of your jumpers?"

"Chrysalizing."

Hermione insisted, "That is not a word."

"Well who makes words, Hermione?!" Draco shouted back. "Tell me who makes up all the bloody words in the English language and I will get them to chrysalize the bloody dictionary! But you can't, because no one person chooses the words. All of us, as a whole, as a people choose the words, Hermione. Maybe you should start there."

Hermione angrily huffed, "I don't understand what you are trying to tell me."

"Just because you fail to see value in yourself does not mean it is not there! You don't get to choose the value of your life. Even if you were to forsake it all and retreat into our private life together, the world is changed because of you. Harry Potter only defeated the Dark Lord because you gave him the foundation to stand on! You saved the world so even if you cannot find value in who you are, there are thousands upon thousands of people who won't even question it. Potter retreated into family life, as did Weasley. They earned it, right? Saving the world gets you a bit of privilege in that regard; take your life and disappear quietly until we want to do a radio special. But Hermione Granger couldn't do it. No, Hermione Granger looked at the world and saw there was work yet to be done. Hermione Granger went to work because the world needs her, and I promise the world still needs you, Hermione. We only have to figure out a way for you to make the positive difference you want to make."

"You are missing the point. I can't help anymore; I've used all of Hermione up and there is nothing left anymore."

"Skrewtshit." Draco shook his head. "Absolutely not. You are many things, Hermione Granger, most of which I love, but you are still the phenomenal woman you have always been."

"Do you want to know what I think about in these moments?" asked Hermione. She wiped away tears and asked, "Do you truly wish to know?"

Not really. Whatever it was, Draco knew it would break his heart, but Hermione needed to say it. He nodded.

"I want you to hurt me so I can feel something again."

His heart cracked down the middle. Draco stood up and crossed the room so he could hold Hermione in his arms. She needed to know, had to know he was committed. Hermione said,

"I feel so empty, like there is nothing inside of me anymore. No power, no ambition, it all disappeared. If I am anything short of incredible, how could you want me? I am as good as nothing. If you hurt me, at least I would feel the pain. I deserve your rage, Draco. If you hit me then at least I'm useful."

"No," Draco shook his head. "My powerful, intelligent, ambitious girlfriend."

"You always say that, but I'm not ambitious anymore, I don't know what to do with my life. Not tomorrow, much less five years from now. I told you how I don't feel powerful—"

"But no one, and I mean no one, will ever call you stupid. Nobody can take your intellect away from you, and that is as valuable as any other part of you."

"Is it?" asked Hermione. "Because no amount of cleverness has saved me from this."

Draco took Hermione's hands in his own and said, "When I was at my lowest, I told Penelope I was constantly hopping between my rational, objective mind and these emotions that were completely out of control. Self-loathing, guilt, shame ... I had so much happening and none of it was good. Penelope said I had to focus on where those two intersect; she called it the 'wise mind.' To me, it was the 'stop fucking around and feeling sorry for yourself' mind. The 'you aren't actually worthless' mind. 'The sooner you get yourself out of this, the sooner you stop paying Penelope' mind."

Hermione chuckled.

"Your intellect has you halfway there, my darling."

"Darling?" asked Hermione. "That is new."

"Do you not like it?"

"Compared to 'incredible' and 'powerful' and 'brilliant' ..." She shrugged. "It's different."

"I will find something more suitable, though you are adorable."

"You just like seeing me in your jumpers."

"Yes." Draco grinned. "But your intellect has gotten you halfway there, and now you are working to find a positive view of the future. Our future, Hermione. I know there is no answer you cannot find and no problem you cannot solve."

"Except this."

.oOo.

The next morning, Draco knocked on his mother's door.

"Come in!"

Narcissa seemed to be in a delightful mood, dressed in mint green robes and she'd left her hair down. A casual day, then. Draco sat in the chair next to her and sighed.

"How are things with Miss Granger?"

"Dismal. She is fading away beneath my fingers, and I can't figure out how to help her."

Narcissa rubbed the space between Draco's shoulders and said, "Perhaps whatever is troubling her is not something you can help with. Your father and I have friends, you know, not everything we do is done together."

"Isn't it?"

"Not at all. I had a life before him, and I enjoy my occasional independence. That distance is what gives me room to breathe, space to be myself. The Granger girl is someone who values her independence and she has people in her life who matter nearly as much as I hope you do."

"How am I meant to deal with that?" asked Draco. "Knowing that everything in my power is not enough to help her?"

Narcissa said, "When your father was sent off to Azkaban, I felt helpless. Not because I was left alone with the Dark Lord, but because there was no way for me to help Lucius. He is my husband, my life exists within him just as his is within me. Lucius is everything to me, and I look at you and see so much of him. The way you love the Granger girl is everything I have done for him. The difference, my son, is that the Granger girl will make better choices."

"But how did you deal with the absence?"

"Azkaban was the safer place for him to be. He needed to be away from the Dark Lord. He needed distance. Find what, or whom Hermione needs."

.oOo.

Draco selected Cassis to be Hermione's house-elf because Cassis understood nuance. She didn't enjoy servitude, but she certainly understood how to work around her restrictions. And, as a natural activist, Cassis loved Hermione immediately. She was the tallest house-elf on staff by a good inch and always seemed to know when someone needed to be left alone.

Hermione didn't summon Cassis at all; she considered it degrading. Cassis developed a routine so Hermione knew when the check-ins would come, and it seemed to be working. When Cassis appeared in Draco's study on January 7th, he knew something was wrong. Her eyes were wide with worry and she'd pressed her lips together like she was afraid to say something. Draco asked,

"What's wrong?"

Cassis shook her head.

Oh, no. Draco's mind sped in a dozen different directions, none of them positive.

"Hermione is in a bad way and asked you not to say anything?"

She blinked.

"You are going to walk outside my office and make a right turn if everything is fine. Turn to the left if Hermione needs me."

Cassis sped out of the door and made a left turn down the hall. Draco ran down the hall and sped by the other bedrooms before making his way through their suite and into the bedroom. Hermione was nowhere to be seen. Draco looked to the left and noticed the closet door was open. He walked over to find Hermione sitting on the floor, legs crossed, staring at two cups levitating in front of her.

"Hermione?"

"I knew Cassis would go to you, but I am impressed by your speed."

Draco frowned and asked, "What are you doing?"

Hermione dismissed the question with a lazy shrug of her shoulders.

"I was lying in bed this morning, staring at the ceiling, and I did some maths. I am on this potion regimen meant to make me happy. Or, at least meant to fill up the empty bits inside of me. It doesn't feel like anything is happening; I feel just as much rubbish as I did a month ago. One cup each day isn't doing much, so I figured I only had two options. Either try a day without, or double the dose to see if it works."

"You didn't." Draco shook his head, "Please tell me you didn't."

Hermione admitted, "I feel the same. There is always an hour where I feel like perhaps this time it's going to be okay. But it never is, Draco. It never is. A double dose won't make a difference, will it?"

"No, my love, it won't."

"I know." Hermione nodded to herself and stared at the floating cups. "I know, but I wanted to try."

"Hermione, I need you to be honest with me."

"I don't lie to you."

"No, but the truth is that I can't help you through this anymore. We both know who you need and I think—"

"No!"

"I think that they—"

"I said no!"

"Hermione, if you are desperate enough to do this, then I don't think we have a bloody choice here! I will write to them—"

She insisted, "I am fine! This is just a bad day."

"How many bad days do you get, Hermione? How many? Either you let me write them or I will tell Penelope about this."

"You can't do that."

"You have pushed me there, and you choose which way I go."

"One at a time." She conceded, "I will only see them separately. Not together; they're overpowering when they get together."

.oOo.

Overpowering was exactly what Draco required. He wrote to Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, all but begging them to come to the manor. It was difficult to describe exactly what he saw changing in Hermione. He sat at his desk for half an hour trying to think of what to write, until his mother's words came to mind.

"Hermione needs you."

That did it. Potter and Weasley showed up together the next afternoon. Draco greeted them, a bit stilted.

"Thank you for coming."

"We had to," Weasley said. "When Hermione goes dark, everyone suffers."

Potter added, "She's our best friend. If she needs us, we show up."

"Exactly."

Draco led them into the library where Hermione was curled up into a chair, trying to make herself as small as possible. She looked up, saw both Potter and Weasley, and rolled her eyes.

"I thought we agreed one at a time."

"You agreed one at a time. I had other plans."

Hermione shook her head.

"I can't do this."

They all settled into armchairs and it was odd, having the full Golden Trio back at Malfoy Manor.

"Can't do what?" asked Weasley. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you, 'mione?"

"If I had a decent answer for that, don't you believe I would have fixed the problem by now?!" shouted Hermione. "This is not a St. Mungo's sort of problem, Ronald, it is a Hermione Granger problem and only Hermione Granger can fix it. The problem is every day that goes by I feel less like Hermione Granger."

Weasley wondered, "How are we to help you?"

"I dunno, this is Draco's stupid idea."

Draco insisted, "Honestly, for group therapy I should be billing the lot of you. However, I think both of you need to have conversations with Hermione."

"Harry's been keeping secrets and Ron skipped out on Christmas, so yes, I agree we need to have a conversation."

Potter said, "It's not much of a secret. I've been seeing, um, I've been seeing a therapist and he consults with a psychiatrist. My nightmares came back and wouldn't go away." Potter shrugged and admitted, "It helps. Malfoy, here, goes with me for support."

"You knew?" asked Hermione, notes of betrayal in her tone. "You knew what Harry was keeping from me and didn't tell me?"

"It is not my information to reveal. Potter needed support and I owed it to him."

"Sorry," said Weasley, "but all of you are seeing therapists now? Were they running a fucking special?! We have been friends for seventeen years and neither of you thought to come to me first?"

"What excuse did you give Alicia for you to come here today?" asked Hermione. "You couldn't have told her the truth."

The tips of Ron's ears turned pink.

"Said I was going out with Harry. Didn't say where."

"Right, because there's a difference between going out with Harry versus going out with Harry and Hermione," she shot back. "Forget I said anything. It doesn't matter."

"Clearly it does," said Harry.

"You don't look like yourself," added Weasley. "As much as I hate him, I know Malfoy's not responsible for whatever this is, because if we ever had one goddamn thing in common it's that we love you." Weasley paused before admitting, "I know how difficult it is to love you, Hermione, and it seems Malfoy's doing a decent job of it. If he thinks I need to be here, then I'm here. End of discussion on that one."

Hermione slumped in her chair and said, "I don't want to be difficult."

"Doesn't matter, you've always been difficult."

"Thank you, Ronald, for really cheering up the moment."

"I'm not here to make you happy, 'mione, I am here because there is something you need from me and we have to figure out what that is."

"I need you to be my friend!" Hermione shouted back. "I just want to feel like I am not dragging everyone down all the time, not dragging down your marriage."

"That's Alicia's doing, and she knows as much. Eventually, she will come around. There is no ultimatum, my friendship to you and my marriage to her carry equal weight."

"It shouldn't, though." Hermione wiped away tears and mumbled, "It really shouldn't."

"Why not?" asked Ron. "Why shouldn't the two of you be equal to me?"

"Because I hurt you! I abused you, Ron, I put you in hospital! Then I did it again to someone else. The problem wasn't you, it was me. It has always been me."

"You think hitting Malfoy means you've got a problem?" asked Weasley. "Hell, I'd hit him for fun."

Draco frowned.

"Not helpful."

"I'm confused." Potter said, "What is the problem, exactly?"

"Me."

"Why would you think that?"

"From the time I was brought into the world of magic, I've been fighting for something. There has always been a tangible goal. Being angry has helped me get through all of it, anger it ... it's fuel for me. I have to prove Muggle-borns are just as valid in this world, and since I've been the most high-profile Muggle-born for nearly two bloody decades it weighs on me. I always have to be on. Hermione the diplomat, Hermione the Muggle-born, Hermione the Ministry employee, Hermione the wife ... Now I'm not a diplomat, have no Ministry job, and that last one seems to be where I've never performed up to expectations."

Ron sighed.

"Hermione, nothing about what happened between us was normal. We got married because everyone said we shouldn't and we wanted to prove them wrong. Problem is, when the world is telling you something, there are moments where you back the fuck up and listen. We didn't."

"No," Harry added, "you didn't."

"There were parts of our marriage that were good. Those little moments we had every day when we could sit and talk like we were friends instead of spouses? Those moments were great. It was the rest of it we seemed to fail at; the communication, the public nature of everything, the sex—"

"The sex was never bad because of me," said Hermione.

Ron agreed, "You were bloody brilliant. But ..." He shrugged. "We weren't meant to be together."

"I tried so hard to make it work, but your heart was elsewhere and I was so angry that I hurt you because of it."

"No, I don't think that's true, because there was never a point in our marriage when my heart was yours."

Hermione seemed to cave in on herself.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the only reason you hit me was because I pushed you to do it. Maybe the first time it was a surprise, but I don't truly believe it was. I needed an excuse to leave because I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. I was so loyal to you in practice, but I wanted to be with Alicia and couldn't find a way to extricate myself from our relationship."

"Extricate yourself from our relationship?" asked Hermione. "You know how much it took out of me to watch you go through that by my hands! Again and again! God, I hated myself and I never understood why you didn't."

"I never hated you for it because you were doing what I wanted you to do." Ron shrugged. "I got to be close to Alicia and form an excuse to leave you. If I had stopped, you would have stopped. Being completely honest, you've needed therapy for a long time."

Hermione shook her head in disbelief.

"Do you have any idea how awful it was knowing you were fucking me and thinking about her? As if I was not good enough or beautiful enough."

"Is that what you thought it was? God, no, I am so sorry. Shagging you was like shagging my best friend, because that's what you are. Honestly, it'd be like fucking Harry—"

"Gross," replied Potter.

"Exactly. It was strange, and Alicia was always there. It had nothing to do with you, really."

Hermione admitted, "That should make me feel better, but it doesn't."

"I never want to talk about this again, so I will tell you now. I don't blame you for what happened to me, and you shouldn't blame yourself. Our situation was fucked-up, skrewtshit from the beginning. I shouldn't have asked you to marry me, and you shouldn't have said yes. It was a mistake for each of us, and I understand that now. I constantly felt I was competing against Krum, competing for your attention with your job ... I hated living with you most of the time. And I know you felt the same for me but you thought I was a problem you could solve. You believed our marriage had an answer, and it didn't, Hermione. It just didn't."

She nodded and confirmed, "I know."

"I am happy you are trying to get better. Malfoy, here, had the courage to do the two things I never did for you: leave, and come back. I think I am a decent enough person to see that whatever the hell is happening between the two of you, it seems to be positive now. We know Malfoy won't push you the way I did and I'm done saying nice things about him."

"Your miniscule compliment is noted," said Draco.

"Piss off."

"Really? You plan to speak to me like that in my own home?"

"Yeah, because I still think you're a total bastard who's not worthy of Hermione, but I forfeited my right to say as much a long time ago. So, whatever it is you've been carrying around about our marriage, 'mione, just drop it. We were both wrong and I've moved on. Alicia makes me happy, most of the time, when she's not trying to come up with elaborate excuses to keep me away from you. I love our daughter and I will love our next child just the same. This is the life I wanted, and it's the life you feared. I get it. I want you to move on, too, to find the love and happiness that I have, because you are my best friend. You always will be, even if I think your boyfriend is a bit of an arse."

Draco supposed he couldn't hope for much more acceptance than that.

"I will marry him one day," said Hermione. "I want you to know that, because he does make me happy. Even now, he has done everything he can to make me feel empowered again." Hermione quickly glanced over at Draco and smiled. "He doesn't see ambition as a bad thing."

Draco replied, "It is one of my favourite things about you."

"You'll do it better the second time," Ron assured her.

"I know."

"Is anything else bothering you?"

"What do I do now?" she asked. "I have no way forward."

Ron gave it a moment's thought before saying, "Merlin made his name in both worlds at King Arthur's court. You have to find something that gives you credibility in both places. Something that makes you feel like you're making progress in both worlds, because that's always been your problem, you having to choose which part of yourself matters most. So find a way to stop choosing."

"Wow," said Harry. "Where did all that insightfulness come from?"

"Allie's got me reading all these parenting books again." Ron shrugged. "Boring as hell, but I suppose I've learned to internalize the important bits."

"Yeah, that was pretty good."

"Stop choosing," mumbled Hermione. "That's an interesting notion, Ronald."

"Which is as close as you'll ever come to admitting I have a decent idea."

Hermione laughed.

"Probably, yes."