I still can't express my utter gratitude that so many people have stuck with the story for so long 3

That gratitude goes beyond more words than I could ever write!

Tell me your thoughts!

(Or even how much of an asshole I am ;) )

Luck was on my side. He forces me to suffer a series of painfully embarrassing tests of reason so as to assert my sanity. Though once satisfied, Maddison grants me re-entry and off I go to find Alistair.

He is brutal that late evening. He mocks me with exam papers I'd already passed. He times my stitches repetitively until my wrist is aching from the motion, till my eye weeps, my head pulses. And then he has me doing basic diagnoses.

By the next shift, Maddison lets me continue my rounds. Yet while the general public are jovial enough not to react with horror at my bruises, they can't help but comment.

'Congratulations on your latest, Doctor Cullen.'

The staff echo it too, pulling me aside to repeat the sentiments in my ear.

The routine picks up within a few days and on returning home one late evening, I find my posture slacking with exhaustion. My feet had been idle until this week and now simply walking is stepping over hot ash. It is a little past three when I get in and given the silent night and the dim glow of the lighting, I doubt anyone will be awake.

In spite of theories, both flatmates, rather than the one, are downstairs.

'Edward?' I murmur, squinting to see his stretched figure lounging over the arm chair. It is likely I have woken him because with a glare he yawns in greeting.

'Sorry,' I whisper. 'I didn't mean to disturb.'

Adjusting to the darkness, I briefly scan the living room. It is unusually untidy. The table is strewn with playing cards and empty cups. Some with soda remnants, others with tea stains. There is paper on the floor too. Textbooks for the Kid. And what looks like a packet of pills.

On the edge of all that, hidden in blankets and curled tightly on her right side, Es is asleep on the sofa with her back to me.

'What are you doing down here?'

'Huh?'

'Why aren't you asleep?' I ask in confusion.

He swings his head lazily.

'One of us is,' he corrects.

'Hm.'

'There's dinner for you in the refrigerator,' he whispers, thickly. He's rubbing both eyes like he did as a child, heels grinding into the sockets.

'Thanks.'

'It's lasagna,' he explains. 'Really good lasagna.'

'Thanks,' I repeat and then I watch his eyes flit deliberately to her.

My lips part a few times. The words are hanging on edge like a loose tooth, not quite able to free themselves into understanding.

'She's okay,' he murmurs.

I nod, staring hard at the pills.

'I mean; she's obviously not pleased. Firstly, because she couldn't find the… the er, things…'

He says the word with wide enough eyes that my bewilderment sets in. Things? An almost green line is pointed to the pills. She couldn't find the things?

'The girl things. Or the…The 'Feminax'?' he adds, treating it like another foreign word. I had been working for long enough, with little sleep that it takes me a second. Then I nod briskly.

Paranoia had encouraged me to change the location of the First Aid Box. Common sense had not considered the implications. I suppose the ibuprofen- I come forward quietly, pick up the pills and turn them over. Yes, ibuprofen. They must have been bought today.

Therefore, Edward is referring more poignantly to the use of my card. The app hap notified me of the few pennies she'd spent today. Almost literally pennies. She was fighting harder than normal not to use money.

In spite of Sunday.

'But I suppose it's better than being known a Mrs Cullen, hey?' he says it softly, playfully and then he sees my face and abruptly apologises. 'Ah, shit. You know I didn't mean it-'

'I gathered,' I remark.

There is a clumsy clatter to my foot as I move to the kitchen though it is not long lived. Not with others sleeping. The Kid stands awkwardly, stretching in his lounge clothes, hair disarrayed.

'You know -'

'Yes,' I say shortly. 'You've already explained.'

'Carlisle-,' he murmurs. 'You can't actually-'

'What?' I spin on my heels, hand leaning on the island.

How ridiculous of me to want…. To have wished for...

… How selfish, in fact…

His grumble is just as impatient as my inability to relax. He sighs.

'Are you putting her to bed or am I?'

I hate the knowing clock of his eyebrow, the challenge, the dare. No matter how grateful I am for him to be home, that didn't mean I could trust him to be gentle enough.

'I will.'

For another evening, I lift the snoozing woman into my arms, hold her precariously in angled limbs, smell the berries of her perfume lingering on tousled curls and clutch the chunky knitting of her winter jumper.

Then I tuck her into her sheets and leave her be.

And try, disillusioned, to sleep myself.

Over time, insomnia has come to frustrate me more than the bruises do. Though I finally gain peace in putting trembling hands to use, though I exercise my every thought to near exhaustion and do the same with my workouts… I still struggle to sleep at night.

I miss her.

And when I am with her, all I can do is obsess on how best to retreat.

After a few days, maybe a week, Jasper invites me to workout with him. He has afternoon classes and given my approximate long silence, has decided to confront the issue. The real source was undoubtedly Edward. We went through waves of bickering to expressions of genuine worry. All depending who was in our presence of course. The moment she retreated out of view, we returned to friction once more.

Hence the invitation.

The gym is the kind that could be attached to a mechanics. It is a weight's room with laminate flooring unlikely to have been washed in a while. I see Emmett first. He is playing loud dance tunes from his earphones while he curls a dumbbell.

The sweat is pouring from the curls on his head, down his neck to his vest.

He offers a distracted grin, hails me over. Jasper is just round to the side. He is running squats and though I am in another irritable mood given another sleepless night, I imagine were this a month ago, I would have been happier to see them.

'Hey, Man.'

'You're up early,' I commend, throwing my bag to a locker. He shrugs in reference to his left.

'Em's training.'

'Yeah?' I ask half-heartedly. The sweating Beast is snorting with discomfort. 'What for?'

'What is he always training for?' Jasper titters. 'I told him he's lost out- the cast for The Bachorlette has already been announced.'

'Yes you did,' Emmett grumbles. 'Much to my girlfriend's ultimate pleasure.'

I roll my eyes and move to organise myself on cardio.

'How's Es?'

I had been half distracted with a music video and at the call of her name, turn as though she is right beside me. Of course she's not and I regret the flapping of my arms when I spin.

'Fine,' I say weakly. I was supposing they were seeing more of each other than I had. The only times I would see her is on coming home finding her asleep on the sofa and returning her nightly, to the correct place.

It didn't matter what we said, despite her fatigue, we couldn't seem to encourage her to take an early night. She preferred the sofa.

Emmett has stopped curling now. He's gasping a little, still hunched over his knees as he lets his arms rest.

'How is it going with therapy?' he is grunting as he says it, fighting with the desire to spit. 'Has she started yet?'

He says the words so carelessly, it's as though he is beating them across the entire room. He could have pushed me and I would have fallen less hard.

The double crosses of betrayal. I had suggested it to Esme. Alone. Cripplingly. I had haunted myself for days considering how best to phrase it. Cowardly leaving a series of numbers on a posted note at her desk.

Had she told Edward who in turn had told Emmett? Had she told Alice who had started the line of gossip through Jasper? Did she tell Emmett directly? Was Es capable of confronting it in a way that I could not?

Had Edward saw it himself and noticed?

'Drop it, Emmett.'

He is taken aback at first. Then he presumes I must be referring to volume control and amends himself.

'But,' he lowers his voice, 'it's going okay, yeah?'

'I said shut it.'

His jaw lowers open in shock. My several years of manners had worn thin and he is clearly horrified.

'Dude, I didn't say anything?'

With a dismiss of my head, I excuse myself to the other side of the hall.

I have to start slowly. When I push myself though, the ache and the pain and the stitching comes undone and I am bursting in sufficient agony to taste the depth of my bad temper. It tastes refreshingly like numbness, erasing the bitterness of injustice from my tongue.

Jasper is intuitive enough to realise I am better left undisturbed and when a brief news report runs on my father's fundraising tactics, Emmett uses his height to switch the channels over. Groups of eyes look over but I do not look up.

It's warm in the glass walls of the gym. There is a peculiar stench of citrus burning my nose and even though I had started slow, my focus is quite conveniently on my bloodline. His stupid interviews. The policies. The pleadings. The smart ties to religion.

One tainted list of words is sticking out.

'I have known loss more than most…'

That is what he had said.

On daytime television, he had claimed to know the intricacies of human emotion.

My flaming muscles ache more.

Emmett offers a bit of advice half way through a plank. He is suggesting that I am bowing, as the mirror across can indicate. He gives a warm chuckle and adds a teasing:

'Shouldn't you know this?' Given the fierce agony of my torso, I do not answer as nicely as I should. I wave him off on fault of the distraction.

He makes a face to his roommate.

Things do not better by the end of the hour. Understandably, the exhaustive use of limbs not meant to be put to pain are flaring with blood. Strained, over stretched and tensed, I am losing the ability to clear my mind.

Esme is at home. Esme is at home unable to barley lift her head from a pillow.

She is eating next to nothing.

She is plastering smiles on her face.

Making plans for a life she doesn't want.

Engaging with me in ways that she doesn't wish to.

Tied to me in ways she regretted.

Sourcing on pills I am in fear of providing for her.

… Just for him to claim that no one knew loss like his.

'Jeez, you're a machine, Cullen.'

I have my fingertips edged against my temples, pulling myself to my knees till my muscles feel like splintering wood. I am meant to be breathing.

If I breathe, I slow. And if I slow, I think.

Instead, I grunt. I push my spine harder into the wood, the sweat now blurring my view till I have to close my eyes.

'Dude,' Emmett comments. 'Maybe not so hard?'

I do not hear him over the grinding of my teeth.

My father locking her in that fucking room. The door echoing shut.

'Carlisle?' Jasper now. Coming to my shoulder, he squats. Repeats himself in a strict enough tone that he knows I cannot hear.

Because my father. My blood.

'Carlisle?!'

And her screams.

'Cullen!' he shoves my arm hard enough that I fall on my side, gasping for the strings of breath.

'What is the matter with you?!' Emmett butts in.

Snorting for breath, I throw my water-bottle across the space. It echoes and bangs against the metal scaffolding of the equipment. The sound shudders around us.

'Jesus,' Jas mutters, his brows interweave.

They both look to me with anguish in their features. I do not bother apologising; I don't have the ability to talk. I just pull the wet flop of hair away, pushing hard shunts of air down my chest.

Iron cracked ribs now misplaced, fractured.

An embodiment of a Frost poem, who knows whether I am drowning or I am burning. Either way, the only thing that comes to mind is pain. Just how much pain I am truly willing to stand without daring to part my lips in confession.

'We shouldn't have invited you,' Jasper murmurs regettably.

What he meant was that they didn't want me here. I meet his tough expression with a swollen gaze and bite my teeth down.

'You've hardly healed and frankly-'

'People must be thinking we're trying to get you killed,' Emmett mutters, looking notably around to the faces upon us.

I grunt. And regret it.

'Carlisle-'

'I get it,' I sigh and pulling myself to my knees, I start to gather my things.

'Let us give you a lift back?' Jasper asks. 'Before you kill over at the wheel.'

'I'm fine.'

A sour look takes over. Luckily my hands are already moving and staggering, I leave their crowded vicinity.

I return to what feels like an empty house and with my last few minutes before work, hold an ice pack to my sternum. Things are quiet. Es is likely either sleeping or daydreaming. But she's upstairs with the door closed. That's reason enough to stay away.

Then work itself is… testing.

I spend the busiest hours not allowed in the vicinity of people. In itself, that is not too bad. It means Alistair can gruel me in private. Mock, humiliate, incinerate without me having to pretend like it does not bite my ears. It does mean however that when the questions come barrelling toward me that afternoon, I am a little unprepared for them.

The days between tick by.

Esme spends every waking moment in Edward's presence, listening to discussions of his lessons as though she is barricaded by the doors. Come the evening then, she curls up on her side, takes note of only the book in her hands and sleeps within seconds.

That night I succumb to the temptation I had so far done well to avoid. I let the back of my fingers brush the absent colour of her cheeks.

The long hours soon slip into weeks, blurring without pause behind my eyes. I work continuously hard once at work, eat aged cafeteria food, avoid going home till necessary, arrive to a plated dinner left for my return, carry my sleeping flatmate to bed and spend the night sat up in bed reading from so-called specialists.

After the tense training session with Emmett and Jasper, I don't return to my old routine exercises. Such healing injuries forbid it. I run on occasion. More on the rare days off. Mostly, I grow so tired, so weak to a continuous brain that anything to cause surprise to my day puts me in a rather frightful mood.

Eventually the twenty-second arrives.

I have had to mercilessly bargain with the weekend off which has meant I have been doing nights for the past few shifts. Still in all that time, I have left early enough to see her fall victim to sleep.

They have me on an extra late shift that Morning. Alice has left me with simple instructions given that I will be last to join the herd. She's also left me with a short video of them packing the car.

Es had rolled her eyes to the camera.

The night has been a long one. I had done my rounds, been banished to study in the On-call room when the familiar-faced reporters filed in.

For now, I spend a rare lunch break with Garrett. He probes indelicately into my weekend plans, seeming surprised when I offer the truth.

'Camping with my fellow co-stars.'

Garrett is chewing animatedly on his food. I'd been awake nearing thirty-six hours. Worked an intermittent twenty of them and still had three to go till I could leave.

'Ah, how I miss getting pissed in a field,' he sighs, waving his fork around dreamily

'Forest,' I correct quietly.

He hasn't heard me. Instead he shakes his head enviously, rubs the growing beard of his chin. 'How the heck you manage that?'

'It seems I've been impressing Alistair lately…'

He snorts. It had come as quite a surprise to me, too. He'd been inexplicably amicable recently. My mentor offers the reasoning.

'Possibly because you're doing his work for him?'

More likely that his new status had added a zero to his pay-figure and given the fortune of my skill… well, he'd picked up a figure with little needed to earn it. Even when he should've been paying more attention to the skills he swore to beat me with.

I sigh. He still hadn't responded to my latest voicemail.

'Perhaps,' I agree.

'Four days,' he groans. 'You Jerk.'

'Three.' I correct. 'I return Monday evening.'

Garrett shrugs. 'You're working with me then, that hardly counts.'

I would like to believe him except, Garrett had been tiring me in his own way too. He'd managed to set me up to the token belief I was about to jump onto something new, I was about to be so inundated with concentration I would be sleeping soundly the moment I crossed my porchlight.

It actually tended to be expectation management. People skills in a surgical context.

He was teaching me how to deal with the social complexities of failed medicine.

I'd already had to tell two patients that their pained surgery wasn't successful. A third, I explained that surgery was no longer an option.

I was learning to hate myself to new depths.

Nevertheless, he wishes me a 'relaxing weekend' while simultaneously shoving notes under my nose.

'You'll need to familiarise yourself with this case, though.' He smiles, sheepishly. 'Don't go getting melted marshmallow on them, yeah?'

I give him a pointed look. Obviously we both know I am not allowed to take the notes outside the hospital and the threat makes me uncomfortably suspicious.

Like Emmett, Garret tended to be one to make his own amusement. Foolish to the splint of his words sometimes. Though not intentionally cruel. I didn't like to think after all these hours together, he was setting me up for a failure.

'I won't take them away with me?' Though there is question to my tone, it's more of him than for him. I'm not taking a risk so nearly as stupid.

'And legally I'm not asking you too.'

Great. My sigh is long and I rub the heat of my tired eyes knowingly.

'I do really need your help on this?'

'You're going to get me fired,' I mutter.

'Either that or you're going to help a very sick little boy get a few extra years?'

The wince does not show on the outside. Alistair's lessons had clearly had their effect on me. I was already becoming harder to the cruelties of fate. And yet, I don't stop myself asking.

'How old?'

'Check the notes.'

Weakly, I pull up a corner of the paper. Enough to see a general description. He'd be five in August. If he made it that far.

'And it's a surgeon's case?'

'It's an important case,' Garrett says now. He's swallowed his mouthful and while he is keeping the shrug of his jacket casual, the glare of his smirk already shows he's holding me accountable.

'Odds?' I ask, dismally.

'Didn't see you as betting man, Cullen.'

I was often a betting man and I didn't like where it tended to leave me. His breath comes out a little fast, hands clapping on the table.

'Of making it to ten years old? Perhaps thirty percent chance…'

I swallow.

'Of making it to his teens? Less than five.'

Asshole.

'He's had a number of doctors in the past year.' Big names, I realise, flickering through more of the pages. 'I doubt I'll be able to add much if Doctor-' My Lord. 'If Doctor Sergei Reeba can't.'

Famed for his work to pediatric studies, I didn't even like to try and suggest an opposing theory. His name had been a golden plaque when I'd first started studying and had only grown in reverence to his achievements.

From opposite, he is starting to clear himself away, taking long swallow of his now ice cold Americano.

'I'm counting on you, Carlisle.'

'I wish you wouldn't.'

Reason tells me that now the work day is done, I will be able to catch up on the hours of lost sleep and put myself to bed for no less than six of them. It would mean getting there late in the evening though I imagine it would do little to bother them.

From what I was aware from Emmett's plan, it would likely benefit me anyway.

Except I don't sleep.

I never sleep.

I read three different texts as I wait on a cold bed.

Shutting curtains, doors, eyes, I play old baroque music. Hypnosis videos from online. I even try to manually shut down every aspect of my limbs as though closing up shop for the night.

A fifteen-minute power nap is the most I manage and wandering from room to room, I tell Alice I'm leaving soon. Edward replies.

Be great once you get here. Jasper's already had her in tears.

Before taking chance to consider what he means, I press the call button. He declines.

Bad time. Let's just say she was against finding our own sources of dinner. Screamed loud enough for a family to come hurtling over.

What happened?! I demand, already unnerved by his apparent patience on the matter. I can visualise him shrugging.

Not sure, to be honest. Alice will explain.

I'm tired anyway, rushed off my feet and have had a bordering headache for the last few hours though there is no way I can sleep now.

Though thankfully the route to Vancouver is fortunately clear and though some part of me is sad for the absence, the drive allows me the moments to be with my exhausted thoughts.

With time, they seemed to be losing the bitterness of their anger. There was a new taint of grey now. A desolation.

And a prayer.

Things would be better in Washington.

And once we moved there, I'd free the shackles. I wouldn't leave her but in turn, if she wanted to go, she would have the freedom and the finances to do so without restraint.

Besides, I'd already managed to cover that debt of her fathers in a few days. Covered her sibling's tuition till the end of their sophmore year.

The only things left were ongoing outgoings. Pocket money.

Despite the warmth of the season cooling into night, Spring Break seems to have busied the majority of student's enough that the drive is mostly unperturbed. I pause once to stop for gas before the border but don't stop again until I get a phone call.

'Hey Carlisle,'

It's Bella and while her tone is friendly, it's also wavering a little.

There's a few voices in the background. Unmistakably lightened by whatever alcohol Emmett had provided. I foolishly presume she is checking on me for a time estimate.

'Evening, Bella.' I greet. 'I'm not far now, probably only twenty minutes away-.'

'That's great,' she says nervously. 'Yeah, great, er-?'

'Er?' I repeat, frowning.

'You're picking up dinner, aren't you?'

'Yes, I am.' I was aware that Alice had likely shared this amongst the group though not sure why Bella would wish to reconfirm. 'Vegetarian for you, right?'

'Yeah- thanks for remembering.'

'No bother,' I say.

'You've... you've also got the cool box, haven't you?'

Though I remember packing it, I turn to acknowledge it from the back seat.

'Yes, all packed.' I promise.

'And you're picking up ice on the way?'

'Yes,' I confirm again. 'In five or so minutes.'

Make the point quickly, Bella.

'Great, can you- err- fill it up?'

'Of course,' I say growing unsure now. 'Has something happened?'

'You've err-' She takes a breath 'You've also got your first-aid kit, haven't you?'

'What happened?' I repeat.

'No, nothing.' She lies, terribly. 'Nothing bad, just-'

I blow a breath from my lip.

'Emmett built a swing.'

Of course.

'Bella, what has happened?'

She shrugs me off in a manner that I know is well-rehearsed.

'Nothing,' she lies again. 'Just please bring ice. And your first aid kit. I'll see you soon!'

'Bella-'

She, or rather someone else, has ended the call.

I try to make a few guesses on who I presume will be the injured one. Given that it is his swing, and that his promise of drinking had been as loud as his drunken songs in the background, my theories seem well placed.

I pick up the requested food. The brand of marshmallows I know is Esme's favourite. Water, batteries for the torch I'd be using to read into the night. More water knowing Emmett's choice of beer.

Once I park up at the campsite and sign in, I can lug the remaining materials over arm and head in the general direction of Jasper's directions. The torch comes in handy. I have to read the directions of an inaccurate map and while I pass the river creek easily, I don't quite see the higher ground they seem to be referring to.

Until the music of course.

And the singing.

'Carlisle!'

I turn towards the direction of the trees where my name being called. There's an interruption, a playful guitar flourish and then several more names mockingly calling out to me.

'Car-lyle'

I frown, look for the glow of orange a little north east from myself and listening, realise that I can hear Jasper's sorrowful southern drawl. Followed by rustling and laughter.

Though I expect it, the moment Alice's hand grasps my elbow, I jump. Edward is already dragging various items from my shoulders and raising a mocking eyebrow, pulls my tablet from my bag.

'You do realise we have no electricity ports?'

'I've brought a battery-pack,' I murmur, moving the light to the hill they've both just ran down.

Even just looking at it, I'm already aching. I'd healed sufficiently. Was healing sufficiently. Though I was ignoring inclines.

'Our company not enough?' Alice complains, lip turning down.

'Always enough,' I promise and looking again at her smile, I realise the effects of some fruit induced cocktail seem to be on her expression. As well as her loud fashion apparently... her designer gear has returned.

'Good journey up?' I ask Edward.

His smile has grown too and while I would like to blame the alcohol, I suspect this time it's Bella who is a likely cause. Given more that he has been in her presence for nearly a whole day now.

'Traffic was good,' Alice tells me. 'Es got car sick.'

I frown. Esme never normally gets car sick.

'Jasper did take that corner pretty fast.' Edward mutters and then he spots my expression and shrugs. 'Just the once.'

'I'm just grateful she wasn't sick in the back of the car-'

I sigh, rub my eye. Just from the tone I now realise what they were hesitating to say. The reason I had brought the first aid kit.

'So the swing?'

Alice and Edward both pretend to ignore me as we wander into the clearing of faces. They're drinking around a campfire, expressions lit both by the last light of the day and the fire in the middle of them all. As I get nearer, the singing gets louder and by the time I cross into view, I feel a flattering cheer of greetings.

'Wahey, Carlisle!'

'Carlisle!'

I smile and put the requested food on a fold up table full of drinks.

Rosalie, rather oddly, comes up to greet me first. I hadn't seen her in several weeks and the last conversation we'd had had been… tense. When she takes my arm then, her long nails cutting accidentally into my skin, I return her cheeriness with another smile.

Bella greets me, too. Squeezing my hand as though apologising for her father's new found hatred of me. Or perhaps thanking me from taking the heat of my brother.

'Yeah, breezy,' I respond, answering a question about the journey.

I clap Jasper's hand in greeting and smile up to Emmett.

Unusually he is not as warm as he normally is and though he raises his hand in greeting, he doesn't move from the campfire.

I look between the logs where the burn of autumn is bright on her face. As if induced with several cans of homebrewed beer, she turns her chin and smirks at me. The weight of the past month slips out from underneath and high on an exhausted disillusioned dream, I smile crookedly at her.

Her hair is braided past her shoulders and though she seems happy, her expression is drawn with sleep.

'Hey,' she mouths.

I don't realise I'm walking towards her until I'm there. She's wrapped up in blankets, her green eyes looking black in the low lighting with the purple bags slipping. She looks exhausted.

'Hello.'

She plays with her hair, flickers it behind her ear with her dark pink lips pulled into another smile.

It's as if there is no one else around us simply because I don't register them. I hear them talking, murmuring. I even feel Emmett watching me rather sinisterly. I ignore it all in favour for her.

'I gather the impression you had an accident?' I say, putting the first aid kit to my right.

'Always me, huh?'

She doesn't slur though I can see her nursing a cider can from her right. Guessing from the weight of it in her hands, she hasn't had very much.

'Always you,' I agree and invite my hands out.

When she shuffles in her blankets, I feel the scent of her perfume flower beneath my nose. For unexpected reasons, it makes me smile again and then frown. She brings her right foot towards me and points her toes.

'What did you do?' I ask, wiping the fresh line of blood away with an alcoholic wipe. She wrinkles her nose, flexes her foot where she has rested it automatically on my thigh.

It's like placing a hot-water bottle to my skin. Except smooth and distanced by denim.

Exhaustion was delaying my appreciation.

'Climbed a tree,' she says and with her warm eyes holding me, she twists her calf. The back of it is covered in scrapes and scratches, made harder to see in the dark. She lifts the blanket higher, revealing the extent of her knee to her painted toes.

I shake my resolve to focus.

'In pain?' I ask, breathless as she pushes her weight into my leg.

'No,' she sings, tipsily.

I raise an eyebrow at her limb.

'No.' She repeats. I look to her foot, put slight pressure on her ankle.

'It's a little swollen.'

She snorts, sweetly. It's a fair judgment, the level to which it is swollen is minor.

'Any further discomforts?'

'No.'

Possible lie and I allow myself the right to gage her reaction as test. She is sat closer to me than she has in several weeks. So close in fact that I can feel the exhale of shock come out on her lip. Apparently from mine.

'Just kiss already,' Rose drunkenly demands from behind my head and were such a possibility even within mere chances of happening, calling on the suggestion is enough to shoot it dead.

'I'll get you some ice,' I say, the blush hot on my cheeks.

Es giggles and I find myself thrusting my hands in the cooler not just for necessity but also as distraction. Edward comes up not far from my shoulder, putting cans into the box as I remove cubes from it to wrap in some flannel shirt.

'Well, she's certainly brightened up.'

I don't comment on the observation, simply wrap Esme's foot in the ice, look curiously around to find the enemy swing and once the act is done, move towards the table again to help Alice with dinner.

They're all drinking now. Esme, not excessively, while Jasper and Emmett parade around for their amusement. I can feel her eyes on me. On my shoulders, stopping at the bottom of my spine and at one point, when she has giggled enough that her voice turns raspy, I hear her call for us to hurry up.

Delusion was sinking in again. I was so tired I was beginning to hallucinate the sweet desires of her call, of a warm smile and playful eyes and I was doing so without thought to the alcohol she was plying herself with. My jaw was already beginning to ache from the return of an unfamiliar grin and when she persuades Jasper to play a lyric-less dance tune I happened to like, I have to consciously stop myself from enjoying the song.

Alice is speaking with me and given the unexpected change of tone in my chest, I find her easy to listen to. She's talking about the tent I'll inevitably be sharing with the boys. And the fact she'd already put my stuff in there.

Rosalie, now a little more inebriated than the others, has started to make song requests much to Edward's chagrin.

'Will you tell me what happened? I ask quietly.

She shrugs as though in time to Jasper's plucking of strings.

'You sound worried,' she teases, pouting at me.

I turn my back a little more, feeling hot eyes on me again. Unconsciously the stretch of my shoulders takes over my thought. Scrutinised is what I should've felt. Instead, I felt quiet enough to sleep.

'No,' I murmur. 'Not too worried.'

'Jasper caught a rabbit,' she says it quickly, under her breath. 'I think the brutality shocked her.'

Hunting… not out of the ordinary but likely to cause distress.

'She had rabbits as a kid,' I answer quietly.

I could remember it, sat in a café as she teased me though I couldn't remember why. All I knew is that she was fond of them. In fact, if anyone was more likely to be a vegetarian, I suppose it should've been Esme given the farm of her youth…

'I think it was just a shock,' Alice reassures. 'There was a little blood and-'

I fold my healing lip under my teeth, splash some kind of salad dressing over the food.

'She screamed,' she admits in a quiet voice. 'Went running into Edward's arms and sobbed for a near ten minutes. He carried her back to the tent. She slept. Woke up very confused.'

My smile had been present on my face since I'd arrived, now at the consideration, the memory, I feel myself cloud over again. The haze of a hot day trapping feelings I couldn't quite name. Mostly I was relieved Edward was here.

Then guilty that I wasn't.

There was a chance it would be a side effect from any medication she might be on. I hadn't seen her take anything specifically. Yet considering her drowsiness and the nausea, I'd spent the last month silently acknowledging she was probably prescribed something. Fluoxetine, maybe. Zoloft?

'She's okay, Carlisle.'

I look from under my arm towards them all. They're listening to Bella explain about one her dad's recent arrests. Edward is gazing at her. Esme is sat closely to his arm, gazing at them.

'How was work?' Rose asks. Emmett has followed her to the table and opens a can of something.

'Working hard?' he asks yet his face is unusually stony. His girlfriend nudges him but again he doesn't break into that flattering Emmett grin.

'Y-yeah,' I answer, suspecting his coolness to be the fault of my bad attitude recently. I'm half inclined to apologise though the sincerity would be lost with the women present. 'Yes, thank you, it's been-'

'Great!' he says, grinning widely and before I can return the question or even finish the sentence, he has quickly walked off to sit opposite Es, watching her thoughtfully.

I look down to Alice blushing on my left but for now, save the questions for later.

Once dinner is mostly prepared, we take the meat to the fire and leave Emmett to barbecue. They're all mostly talking again. Now back onto lessons, upcoming exams and such entailments and while they continue to drink and reminisce, I pull out my tablet and settle myself towards the eastern edge of the fire.

'Can't handle one day off, can you Cullen?'

I look up to Jasper and guiltily shake my head.

'I am listening,' I defend weakly. 'You were calling your lecturers unqualified.'

'Rose called them unqualified.' Alice chimes in accusatorially.

Rosalie whips her long hair back in acknowledgment, perches on Emmett's knee with an explorative hand coming under the back of his shirt. Obviously they both knew the crowd they were sat among, though neither seemed to care. He was automatically turning the food, his own left claw sweeping up her back in long drawn motions until her waist was bending toward him.

Consciously, I drag my eyes back to the tablet.

'Come sit?'

When she says it, I fool myself into thinking it is a joke and fail to move. And then she says it again. In her telling way, her eyebrow dancing and I fight to ignore what I had come to know of her.

How easy people found it to hurt her.

'Carlisle,' Esme calls again, one cheek dimpled. 'Come over here?'

Given the act of calling me out, I can't pretend like there aren't several eyes upon me when I shuffle over to her left. She's extended both bare feet to the fire and now I've joined her, if millimetres away, she drags off one of her blankets and pulls it over my leg.

'I'm fine-'

'You're tired, too.' She says and then turning her jaw, her beautifully square jaw with the errant waves of toffee slipping by them, she focuses again on the group.

Tired too.

Perhaps we had more in common than I had been willing to admit recently.

Their giggling acting as background noise, I find I am enjoying being in their presence more than I had thought to miss. While certain attitudes continued to confuse me, namely Esme's unwarranted friendliness and Emmett's hostility, to be with them all, in some unknown forest miles away from home…

I was the warmest I'd felt in a while.

Excusing the blanket of course. I wanted to share it. But the mere threat alone of encasing her pained me in a way that I wish I could ignore. I felt obtrusive and so the moment I trusted she'd not fight me, I pulled the sheet from my knee and wrapped it over her shin.

She didn't say anything, just took a sip of her drink and that was it.

They continue to eat and joke through dinner and while I feed the last of my appetite, I mostly sit contentedly in their company and read through the case on my lap. I'd managed to make notes on the important things and was for now reading through studies on similar ailments. Garrett's threats didn't seem to abate the pressure. It looked like there was little that could be done for the boy. Particularly with such severe metaseries in the lungs.

'Isn't it a bit late for that now?'

My eyes lag when I look up to her and then I realise there are several other eyes on me.

'Perhaps-'

Leaning over to me, she drags the rectangle from grip and shuts the machine off as though slamming a book shut. She's smirking as she does it, her toes wiggling by the fire. I'm at an impasse between being outrageously enthralled and likewise utterly humiliated.

'Sorry-'

'We're going to play a game?' Edward slurs. His arm is around Bella now, not quite touching her but so close it's almost a play on the threat. Es has caught it, too. She has also caught the remnants of dinner he dropped down himself and picks them off embarrassingly.

Yes, they were always close. Though they'd grown knowably closer in recent days.

'You are?' I smile, unable to cover the sleep from my voice.

'We are,' Es corrects. She's telling me again. Not asking. Telling. And yet her eyebrows come up in that hopeful, cautious way. Please?

And I can feel it. The burn of her thigh coming up on my own, my fingertips inadvertently pulling her closer to me on the sofa at home as she drunkenly giggles to the loud love-making of her friend's upstairs.

I shake my head, banish the memory.

'What are we playing?'

'Never have I ever?' Rose teases and enough of them groan that it coats Esme's laughter.

She throws her head back, her long plait tumbling down the edge of the blanket, the ends caught by the collar. The vibration of the sound is cupped in my palms, holding a globe.

'Truth or dare?'

I presume this is another joke on Emmett's part and then I realise that a few of them are inebriated enough to feel challenged by the suggestion.

'Spin the bottle?' Rose jokes.

Or at least I hope she jokes. The last thing I wanted while in such a combative mood was to have what felt like an incestuous evening while frighteningly sober and in consistent fear of how much my former lover might despise me.

Former lover.

Words I suspect she'd hate were I to say them aloud. I wouldn't do so. They were my secret words.

Because if I called her my Esme, I was verging on possessive disillusion and if I referred to her simply as Esme, I was doing my heart an injustice to all she is to me. Though in itself her name stood in monument.

I couldn't tell if that monument, now warmed with drink, was wavering, playfully and unconsciously confident or if it was desperately struggling to stand tall on a platform so uneven.

'I'll go first!' Es decides, grinning in a chaotically devious way. I pull myself up off from the splintering log behind me, lean my feet into the grass until my shoes make indents.

'Who ya spinning for, Es?' Emmett mocks.

She rolls her eyes.

'I meant truth or dare and you know it,' she laughs.

'Your loss.' He shrugs, grinning with straight teeth again. 'Truth or dare?'

'Dare, of course.'

Alice giggles charmingly and now absent of sober faces; I turn hopefully to Edward in prayer he agrees that the idea is not a bright one. He's still fighting with himself to touch Bella, his jewelled eyes now as red as her cheeks as they sit, magnetised to a partition wall of hesitation.

I look through all the faces, all smiling with various amounts of intoxication. No one left to agree with me.

'Alright, considering you're so eager for a snog, I dare you to kiss Rose.'

I take a sip of the bottled water from the drive. It's warm now and does little too unclog my throat.

'Don't test me Emmett, it'll only leave you blue.'

It's a joke. I know it's a joke. But it's also too soon. She wouldn't say it. Maybe she wouldn't even know, but it is. It is too soon. She's not considering the hurt.

Leave him blue. Blue balls were what she was ultimately joking about.

Avoiding tilting my gaze too directly, I lift my eyes to Rose. She is apparently sizing up a giggling Esme. Flirting though, despite the obvious alcohol-fumed sexual tension, I doubt there is genuine desire in her eyes.

I think back to the last time Es had tried to explore her sexuality. She'd kissed Alice once. And vomited, though I had suspected that was over-indulgence. During a particularly raucous party, she'd invited two girls into bed with her. Though she quickly abandoned them also.

Sick curiosity had me wondering what she might do, how she might feel now. For example, she made no secret of complimenting, perhaps a bit brashly, to what extent she considered Blondie Sex on legs.

I suppose I'd never thought her willing to act on the observation.

A blunt breath pulls my fractures into a full stomach. Waiting for them to end the game, for someone to announce they're joking and back off, is timeless.

It is staring at a broken clock and waiting for the minutes to tick. Though neither women have moved, the longer one is still perched on Emmett's knee, her posture reaching over his lap, her hands pressed again his skin while the other woman is bundled in blankets, smirking, waiting, pouting her a full bottom lip.

I can't excuse myself without drawing attention to myself.

Selfishly I need to know if she'll do it.

What the repercussions of it will mean not solely to me but to her. If she felt differently towards love ever since… ever since….

The nausea is making my head spin.

'Any objections?' Es intuitively asks the group.

She looks around every one of them. Perhaps she looks at me too though I am fidgeting with my drink again.

'Rose?' she asks pointedly.

'You already know I've got a thing for those thighs of yours.'

I blink hard.

Obviously, I don't get the joke but the girls seem to laugh.

By now, the blood is rushing in my ears, the violence, the heat… I hadn't considered this. I hadn't considered what this would mean given our … distance.

For nearly five years I had witnessed her kiss countless fools. I had on multiple occasions rescued her from the acts of love, protected her and fought drunken students who so dearly wished to catch a glimpse of her.

Just a month ago, I had peaked myself on the gift of near perfection… and in all that time, I didn't consider the suffering I would face when the temporality spread forth.

Worse than that.

Worse than my selfish, possessive want of her. Torturous and though I knew I would unthinkingly submit myself to that pain eternally, like how I expected her dating life to return once in Washington, I didn't prepare myself quickly enough.

She had been so viciously and painfully harmed that to think of someone being less than tender… the threat of brutalisation existing where my hands could not control...

'Last chance,' Es calls playfully and I feel her scan everyone again as she jumps up to both feet. 'Going once…?'

'Don't be a pussy, Es.' Emmett chuckles.

Most men got off on this. Most men are fascinated with female homosexuality. I myself had watched porn of this kind.

It did the job.

Yet, I couldn't imagine a world in which I would find this anything other than

Until now this might have been one of the better evenings I'd had. As of this moment, as of Es performativity placing her fingers against Rose's pink cheek, imbedding a hand in her hair and dragging her mouth but inches to hers…

'Going twice…?'

I wouldn't watch.

To watch was masochistic. No, I wouldn't watch. I would test out the expanse of my lungs instead. See how deeply I could inhale till I felt my eyes prickle.

I catch a last second.

Rosalie by now would be able to taste her breath. The perfume of her berry shampoo. The sweet, syrup of her tongue as invited by her promising lips-.

'Gah!' Emmett jumps. 'Okay stop, stop, stop!'

'Knew it!' Rosalie laughs. Esme pulls quickly away, laughing just as hard as Emmett shrugs his shoulders.

'I'm sorry, I thought I could watch it but no, no, no.'

She snorts playfully, throwing her head back again as she returns to her seat beside me.

My heart is beating so hard that I needn't try breathing to make my eyes water.

'For that, Emmett, I dare you to kiss Jasper.'

Jasper looks horrified at Es and then hopefully to his girlfriend who shrugs. She wouldn't be bothered. Emmett squeezes his girlfriend's waist.

'Ah, wouldn't wanna make my gurl jealous now. Would I, Babe?'

'It wouldn't bother me,' she shrugs, taking a swig of her drink. 'I dare you to use tongue.'

'Heck no!' Jasper cries. 'I'll let you kiss me but you dare put your tongue near me and I'll have Isabella call her father.'

Bella shakes her head.

'It's bad enough we're drinking, there's no way in hell I'm phoning my Dad about some weird Orgy you guys are trying to start.'

'Besides,' Edward sniggers. 'He already hates Carlisle enough.'

Hates. I had perhaps prided myself too brightly on the idea we had a good amount of respect between us. I suppose given our last meeting, Edward was right. Hate had the apt amount of venom.

'Carlisle?'

And of course, he clearly thought I was eager to undermine every foolish decision he had in relation to King and his interviews. Did he even know if Bella was with us? Did he provide permission?

Was I about to return to a warrant for my arrest?

'Carlisle?' Edward repeats exasperatedly.

I jump, shake my head. 'I'm-er- I'm not kissing anybody, don't count me involved.'

'Spoilsport,' Alice teases, poking out her tongue.

With a groan, Emmett moves his girlfriend of his lap and looks pointedly at Es. She's tapping the case of my tablet with shortened nails. I'm not sure if it's meant to be a threat though I can't take my eyes off it. Maybe she's demanding I try harder to get involved.

Maybe she's making it clear just how easily she could hold me. After all, she'd only have to smirk at me again to have my stomach fizzing.

'The rules, Boss?'

'No less than five seconds,' she answers.

Jasper pulls his face down, sighs, turns himself to Emmett with his eyes closed.

'Someone time it, yeah?'

The girls giggle again and in a lunge not unlike you'd expect from a high school play, the casted lead throws his mouth onto Jasper's.

I'd been in pain moments ago and while I was still fraught with worry, I at least could see the funny side. Namely the disgust. Importantly, the shock of Esme's laughter. It hits different levels when she leans close to my shoulder, words brushing against my throat and whispers;

'Let's just hope they don't have herpes, huh?'

I suppose I wasn't the only one thinking of that evening then and while the night is dark and the fire is warm, I feel my shoulders shiver. I hoped that meant she bared it no ill-will but I wouldn't dare myself to ask.

When they part, Emmett drags his arm across his mouth in disgust and Jasper, apparently cocky from his beer, spits repetitively to the grass and gargles.

'Truth or dare, Jasper?' Edward laughs.

'As if that wasn't bad enough?' he says recoiling.

'Jaaaz?' Alice begs, flickering her eyes up and falling backwards to his shoulder. 'Play properly?'

'Truth or dare?'

'Truth. God forbid I have to kiss that footmouth Dork again.'

'Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it,' Emmett complains, rustling into his chair and opening his arms out to Rose again. His hand has returned to her legs, running up the jeans in a repetitive swipe. I look to the grass on my right.

Es has her legs curled around her, exposed from the rolled up jeans and though she leans on her right, towards Edward, her feet are near me again. She's wiggling them, stretching in tune to a song.

I stare at her ankle, the circle of the bone, how it might compare to a few years ago. Not much change except perhaps expanding in time. I frown again, look to the foot she'd injured and then the other. Both ankles looked swollen. Not excessively. But enough to notice now I was staring at them by camp light.

My fingers twitch.

The urge to assess them, to do as Emmett could and soothe with my palm, my mere touch. Her flickering foot straightens. She moves it, shuffling closer and then I realise she's looking at me so I hide in my drink again.

'Alright,' Emmett mutters. 'When did you last send a nude photo of yourself?'

It is dark. More dark in the coming hours and while it's getting to the extent that I struggle to read the names on the various cans littering our area, I can at least tell that Jasper is blushing at this.

'Thursday,' he mutters, concealing a smirk.

'Yesterday?' Emmett corrects confused. 'Gross, where'd you take it?'

'I don't have to answer that.' He diffuses and turns his posture to Alice who is grinning as if guessing exactly what might be asked of her. 'My Love?'

'You should know what I'll pick.' She sings, chin tilted.

'I dare you….' Rose sings ominously.

She looks around us all, narrowing her made up eyes, hand trailing the shoulders of her mate as though idly stroking a pet. She has a dirty smirk on her mouth and the more her gaze narrows, the more uncomfortable I become. My hands are fidgeting with the blades of grass, missing the distraction of the tablet tucked way beyond my reach.

'I dare you to only refer to Carlisle as 'Daddy' for the rest of the game.'

It was an inopportune time to take a swig of the tepid water and at this, I cough disorderly.

'Rose-'

I couldn't think of anything worse, despite the laughter of them all.

'What you choking on there, Daddy?'

I cringe violently.

Alice tries a different angle, furrowing her drawn eyebrows and pouting. Edward is in stitches.

'Daddy, why are you ignoring me?'

Please dear God…

'Must you call me that?' I complain but even Bella is finding her humour.

I don't like it. All Alice has to do is look at me with the thought in her mind and I feel insects crawling over my neck. And yet, they all seem to be warmed by the joke. Well, I suppose it was just nice to hear a sound so-long grieved.

Even if it must come at my expense.

'Go on, Carlisle,' Edward softens. 'Truth or dare?'

'I'd rather not.' I try to say it without seeming unsportsmanlike though it is clear the attempt is lost.

'Don't be boring?' Jazz repeats. 'Truth or dare?'

Characteristically, I look to my translator for circumstances such as these. I wasn't new to the games themselves though I was new to participating. I suppose I didn't want to have to let them down… particularly when their night was an enjoyable one.

I'd already ruined too many things thus far to destroy yet another evening.

And it's not like I can escape…

'Truth,' I sigh, ignoring the condescending rounds of applause from several delighted individuals.

'Ooh, I've got a good one!' Alice jumps in enthusiastically.

The water is just an act now though if I continued to use it as a crutch, I'd soon be swigging from an empty bottle. I tug the shaggy locks of hair from my forehead.

'Daddy, are you a grower or a show-er?'

Five of them laugh. Bella hides her face in her hands, blushing and giggling and Es… well... Es almost seemed bored. Until I realise she's pressing her smirk together. I was feeling a bit better knowing she was at least enjoying the sentiment though what the tease was, I couldn't be sure. In weakness, I look to her questioningly.

The smile is growing. She has to frown now, clear her throat.

I look to the expectant faces of the masses.

'Well?' Rose asks.

Maybe Edward would know. Either way I know the question to be impertinent. He obviously had been there through my own trialling teen years… maybe he would translate instead?

He's laughing so hard; he's snorting into his sleeve. It's infectious enough that several other of them chortle and grateful for the fire concealing my sweat, I garble regrettably.

'Er?'

Her fingertip is stroking the grass. At first it seems there's no rhythm at all and then I realise she's drawing. Writing in fact.

Both, she writes.

I didn't know if that was either right or safe. I exhale nosily through my nose.

Now, she actively smiles, the dimple in her cheek deep enough to nuzzle into almost.

'I- er-'

'Don't answer, Carlisle.' Bella murmurs. 'It'll only embarrass all-'

'Speak for yourself!' Alice giggles.

Edward is gesturing for me to lean closer. To do so, I have to come round the back of Esme though she keeps her back straight as if concealing us.

The Kid cups a hand over his mouth and whispers hoarsely.

'They're asking about erections. Whether you… grow or if it stays the same size.'

'Oh,' I mutter and I suppose the realisation is clear on my face. Despite the embarrassment, I can see the funny side now. The question didn't reveal much, I suppose. Science provided only one answer.

I nod in thanks and look towards the asker of such demands.

'Well, you should know that technically all men experience growth during an erection-'

Apparently the delivery of such is enough that even Emmett, who has been wildly off with me for the last few hours, finds it comfortable enough to let his chuckle fan the circle of us.

'You had to go make it boring!' She huffs, throwing her arms across her front. 'Daddy, why do you disappoint me?!'

I shudder again, play with the lid of my drink.

'Your turn.' Es murmurs.

'Didn't I just answer?'

'No, your turn to ask me.'

'Oh,' I say. Oh indeed. Because of all the things I wanted to ask, none of them were appropriate for those present. 'Truth or Dare?'

'Dare.'

There was also that of course. That she would ask for a challenge and quite forgetting myself, the pain in my lungs whenever she happened to grin in such a playing way…

'Urm.'

What did I want to dare her?

What did I want to force her to do under duress of peer pressure?

What consequences could I possibly live with?

I dare you to forgive me didn't have the necessary results needed. I dare you to leave me spoke on more offerings of pain. I dare you to forget Washington, to travel, to paint, to design…

I dare you to accept my finances as yours and quit being so sour about a few numbers.

'Daddy?' Rose asks now.

I cringe again. A few laugh.

'I, er… dare you to…?'

'You're not meant to be asking me.' She advises, her voice soft and wisping like a breeze of my lip. I swallow, nod.

'Right. Dare you to, er?' I look round the faces again. Jasper is eating. The others are waiting for the build-up of anticipation. 'Switch seats with me?'

She scoffs.

'Carlisle!'

I had forgotten there was once a time where my name sounded blissful.

'That's so lame! pick another one?'

'Er, okay… how about… hop on one leg for a minute?'

'You're terrible!' She complains.

Nevertheless, she drops the blanket from her shoulders and stands as tall as her height would let her. The move is striking similar to those hours at home. When she'd toss her wet hair over the shoulder of her towel, drop the fabric and display the line of her spine with a kink in her hip.

She shuffles onto her undamaged ankle.

'Ready?'

I pat around my pockets, clap my watch.

I'd also forgotten of course that she is bare foot. She doesn't comment on it. Simply hops on one leg as promised, the leg of her jeans now slipping, her jumper curling in the middle. She surpasses her one minute and stares at me while doing it. And then slowing, arms spread forth, stops and smiles.

'Done,' she chuckles, breathlessly.

And yet she seems to look a little dizzy. Hm. Clearly not as easy as one would have us believe. I conceal a smile and nod.

She dares Bella to eat dirt next. Or rather, Bella picks dare, Rose suggests she east dirt and in a tipsy refusal to back down, Bella proves herself brave enough to commit herself to a plastic fork of soil. Obviously I am less then pleased. Though she did at least wash it down several times and the cutlery she'd used was smaller than Emmett wished to allow.

They trick Edward into confessing what took place when he met Bella on their night out. As far as I'm concerned it is a well-played lie. Es looks at me the entire time he tells it and I feel the suggestion enough.

He'd been confessing his resolve to that girl the moment they met and while he might be choosing to omit such recitals of declaration, should I be asked to provide him with dare, I know I've got a few to hand.

I mostly try to stay forgettable. Not because I'm uncomfortable. Excuse Alice's repetitions of Daddy, which still had the power to make me feel nauseous… No I suppose even if they were drinking, they were content and I, for once, was not excused to the outer lines of suffering for their safety.

We were all camped up in a hidden part of the forest. We were safe. We were together.

And that is enough.

Though admittedly I could live without the performances of Emmett in particular positions, or Alice confessing how many cars she'd hotwired.

It comes to me a few times. I'm grateful they ask mostly boring things. On one particular round when I commit myself to another confession, the tipsy women groan bawdily.

'What?'

'Will you just choose dare? Just once?!'

While obnoxious, I can again forgive Rose on her attitude in that I've never known her to be so giggly. Balancing the consequences, and worse the inevitable suffering should I delay their wants, I submit to a dare.

The submission leaves them unprepared.

'I dare you to….' Alice snorts, looking around us for inspiration.

I slosh the last few inches of water from within the bottle.

'To take your shirt off.'

She says it so quietly that at first I laugh and then I gulp.

Because admittedly, it's not that cold and the sweat of being so near her, being overrun with the lost fizz of gratitude. Just hearing her laugh felt as though I, an Old man at heart, had been granted a youth yet to live.

But the heart is frail.

And her sense of humour rivalling that of the devil.

'Pardon?'

Considerably inappropriate likewise though not as bad as the others, namely Edward, who'd had to give a lap dance to an unwilling Bella.

'Your shirt,' Es repeats and though she is speaking perfectly clearly, I hear the request in a bubble of sound.

Why?

It couldn't be for a flattering reason. Any shape I had fitted into was at once, rapidly parting from me. And the mere colour and mark … even if they were healing, I still considered them unsightly.

'You're wearing an undershirt, aren't you?'

Esme knew I was wearing an undershirt. I never went without one. Especially when working.

'Yes.'

'What you got to be afraid of?'

Repulsion, mostly.

I smile, weakly, shrug off my jacket at the croons and mouth chords of a song I don't know. I unbutton the front quickly, unconsciously and lay the shirt to the side, sat now only in slacks and a t-shirt. I shiver a little, fold my arms around my knees and hope to pass the matter on.

For once I am obliged and the breeze, pressing against my biceps like a cool flannel is enough to wake me up.

This time Es selects truth and seems surprised when she is given a family friendly option. They ask if she's every cheated on anyone.

'I think you have to be in a relationship for that,' she murmurs and though they laugh, I don't catch the joke.

Emmett does of course ask insight to the night I lost my virginity. Once more, Es manages to rescue me from it with an unusual glint in her eye.

'As a religious man,' she warns, 'that fact is between Carlisle and his God and it will remain as such. Ask something else.'

I couldn't tell if that meant she was ashamed or if she really were being so honourably kind so as to protect my humility... I hadn't thought a lot of God and the few times I did, it came with hatred in my soul. I suppose to refer to that act between us as if knowing how sacred I considered it…

Well, it rightly put me at a loss for words.

And feeling such an overwhelming wave of conflicting emotions, I reminded myself that offerings of friendship were such and it would do me good to stick to such boundaries as I would soon have to familiarise myself.

With that asserted, I shuffle on myself. Turn away.

So on another truth, they challenge her to tell the story her own lost virginity.

I don't think she'll share it. She's not drunk enough to excuse bad decisions; neither is she drunk enough to feel free from the memories nor the consequences. So the decision to humour them leaves me with acute awareness of just how raw them wounds remain to her.

And has me questioning why the heck she does it.

'Go on then, Es,' Edward mutters. 'Give us the story.'

I regret the expression on my face and more that he does not see it. Perhaps he was pretending but given the fact that he is inebriated and I am not, I have little to be considerate for.

In my heart, I feel her hesitate. I hear it too. Starting nervously, I abruptly throw bad conversational attempts to pass the attention on but with a giggle, as though she couldn't remember anything fonder, she slouches to the grass and sighs.

'I don't think it'll put me in a particularly good light,' she warns, looking toward the doe-eyed Bella, offering a cautionary tale.

As though swimming from the depths of the pacific, I drag my breath to my feet, air it to my shoulders, drag it down again.

'Well, I was young-'

They don't ask and she doesn't elaborate.

I fight hard to avoid listening.

'And I had this huge crush on my brother's friend. Real charmer,' She pulls her legs around her again, settles her twiddling fingers on her ankle. 'He called up to my window one night, all Romeo like. Snuck me out in the middle of summer-'

She hated that play. Always hated that play. She didn't like the film, wouldn't watch a stage rendition unless forced and when I'd questioned her on the matter, she claimed preference for the comedies.

I had thought it was just a soft way of claiming she wasn't a Shakespeare fan.

'He drove us way out to his – his school field. Him, his friends and a few others and mostly we just drank and smoked and fucked around-'

Breathing. In through callous lungs. Out onto my open collar.

'Ey voila, A nympho was birthed under the bleachers.'

Safety has meant that I am not paying enough attention as I should so the very moment she says birthed, my stomach contracts as though assimilating empathetically.

She had told me she lost it at home.

Had that been a joke?

Was this one a lie?

My head swims as I consider a third option. Did she have variations?

'That told us nothing!' Rose complains. 'Give me the details, Girl. Foreplay?'

My head is spinning.

I hate this ridiculous game. Hate the story. Hate the image. Hate it all. With such a fierce frustrating sense of sickness-

'I can't re-'

'Excuse me,' I blurt and I realise I am on my feet now. I don't know where I'm about the head but I feel the lie tumbling forth.

'You've got a long walk to the bathroom, Carlisle!' Jasper laughs and so do the rest of them but I try to wave them off and half-race out the circle of heat.

The benefit is that my bladder is full enough that the excuse to leave does grant me bodily relief. But pissing on a tree does little for my so called mood.

I'd expected I'd be angry by the time I was out of sight. I was already envisioning which flora to rip apart, what angle I would kick the horticulture, how fiercely I might wish to run. In all, I didn't expect to be as resigned as I was. Neither did I expect to be as winded.

If it was a lie, it was good enough so as not to not to arouse suspicion.

If it was the truth, it was painful enough to hear that I wouldn't wish to know further on it.

If it was both... if it is both… It was an interesting time for such private vulnerabilities to be revealed.

An overaged, rapist bastard who was still glorified in her memories. Stockholm syndrome. Did that fit? All those pathetic, experts bleating and tweeting and blabbering about what to expect. What her voice would mean.

Did she feel that way about… I need to move. I need to return before they come to find me.

When I do finally drag myself to the returning group, they cheer again.

'We thought you got lost!' Bella laughs.

I tried to get lost.

'No,' I diffuse. 'Just a long walk back.

They had returned to singing in my absence. Or what seem to be singing. On closer realisation, I find it was actually debating. They were fighting over the next number of firing lines.

'We skipped your go,' Alice murmurs guiltily.

I simply wave my hand. Spoilsport indeed. But is late enough and I am exhausted and though the temptation of ignorance begs me not to retire, I fear staying, hearing her laugh, watching her do all but condemn one of her abusers…

I shake my head.

'In fact... it's getting a little late…'

'No, Carlisle! You can't go to bed yet!' Edward is pointing towards the team of them. I feel their faces on me more than I see them. I rub my eyes, my hair.

'I'm sorry, Kid. I'm tired-'

Further, I was nearing three days without so much as an hour's silence. Anything further and I was risking hallucination.

'At least stay up to ensure Esme doesn't drown herself?'

'What?'

I avoid looking at her properly. Just a quick intake. The flicker of second hand clock. Tick-tock. That's enough. She's pushing her right knee into her left leg, pinching her hands together.

'Jasper dared Esme to jump in the creek.'

Ah, a ploy, and I laugh, shortly.

'Don't be ridiculous,' I say lightly. 'It's pitch black, you'll freeze.'

And then I realise she is making her way around the back of me. Back towards the hill. Regretfully, my voice turns sharp in an instant.

'Do you know how many rocks there are down there? You'll get yourself killed?!'

'Or I'll put an end to the game and you can go to bed?'

My eyes enlarge and I find myself glaring at Edward. 'Are you insane?!'

'He doesn't speak for me, Carlisle.'

'I'm speaking for you!' I growl and I feel if not hear Emmett step towards me. 'No one, no one is jumping anywhere. The threat of hypothermia alone-'

'You know what? She retorts. 'You just need to learn to let go!'

She breaks into a wobbly sprint before I gather that she's left.

'Es?!' I look to the people around who have likewise started to run after her but not for the right reasons.

We were… We were getting along? We were settling into something. What had I done to piss her off now?!

'Esme?!'

And this is one of the ridiculous reasons I don't fucking drink anymore.

It's fairly easy to chase after them considering they're being loud enough with their variety of torches that I can spot the path she's run before I reach it myself.

My shoes slip of the dewy grass coming now towards pebbles and wet sandy soil. The crowd of them jeering and circling like a nightmare in the spring evening.

'Ez-mae,' I yell, pleading. 'Don't.'

'Honey,' she murmurs, giving no indication to the watching eyes of her so called friends. I hated them. Every single one of them, I hated them. Edward more than anything. She was mocking me. They were mocking me and it wasn't the time to do so.

'I'm safe.'

'Of course, you're not safe,' I splutter.

The sound of her calves' batters against water. My eyes scan in panic. Judging by ear the current is faster than I would feel comfortable with in the daylight but I can't see how fast. I can just catch the white light of the moon break on rocky waters. I hear her move deeper, see the figure of her silhouette, hear her teeth jittering together.

'How's the water, Es?' someone laughs from behind.

Get out the fucking water, Es.

'Just-t fine, Em.' She laughs. 'You-u guys are such p-pussies.'

'That's deep enough,' I say now, still desperately scattering around for her, listening in case I can place her exactly. The sound of rushing debris is too loud in my head. Too thick… I can't see her. Fuck. I can't see her.

Kicking off my shoes, I move closer to the edge of the water.

'Es?!'

'It's cold,' she calls and again I look frantically to where she might be.

Jasper laughs.

'You're an idiot if you go in there, Doc.'

Did they actually consider this the height of humour?! Did they really consider it, what? Funny? Worthy of the risk?

Water so cold it felt like needles were pining you to the waterbed. It catches my toes, sends a rigid shock right up the bone of my leg.

'Esme, please,' I beg. 'Please.'

My thundering heart is getting louder though the vibrations soften when I see her coming back into view. She's several strokes way now though at least in my direction. The water is up to her waist, her arms clenching as she shivers.

'It's j-just… C-Carlisle, it was jusa-j-j-joke.'

'I don't care,' I mutter, reaching my hand out to her. 'Just please get out before you freeze.'

My voice isn't soft enough to convince her alone. It's weak, grating against the water as if destroying every inch of fun and why the group are suddenly silent behind me, I have no idea but my fury is overwritten with concern.

Coming deeper into the water now, I have to wire my jaw closed to stop the chatter.

Cramp gave less pain than this, the cold is immobilising my thighs.

'Point made,' I reiterate. 'Let's get out?'

'C-c-cold?' she teases.

I still can't see her properly. Just the figure, maybe the edge of a cheek bone, her chin maybe. I move my hand out in a genral direction, feel the droplets roll down my palm.

'Y-yes.' Frightfully so. 'As are you-?'

Fingertips as cold as bright pennies swipe along my inner palm. The nerves are too cold to react and when she does it again, my reaction is delayed by several seconds.

'Esme-'

And then with a tight clasp, she pulls me towards her, to the freezing depths of the Antarctic. The ice crystallises in my throat, the water now splashing up to my chest.

'Shit,' I shriek. Like a Siren, she pulls me deeper, I intake shakily, teeth chattering.

'You okay?' Edward ask, finally worried.

The water is so cold my testicles have risen to my voice box, altering the octave irreversibly.

'F-f-f-f-uck no!' I stutter.

'I've got you,' she laughs, gasping widely. We're both shoulder deep now. I can tell because I'm not in pain as so much as sheer immobilisation. We're never getting out the water now. My gasps are broken again, my chest wheezing.

'Are y-you okay?' I ask. 'A-are you h-hurt?'

My weight shifts a little and I realise she's holding onto my shoulders, gripping them lest I sliver out to the current. I try to catch a glimpse of her expression but all I see are her shivers and my own clouded breath.

If I wasn't so in love with her, the cruelty would make me want to drown the girl and I suspect she likely to be considering the same.

'Es-s-s?' I repeat, bitterly. 'Are you h-hurt?'

I see the smile now. The lift of her cheek. Were I to allow it, it might be the only heat left to fill my body.

'I've got-t-to get-t you out-t.' I chitter, trying with difficultly to wrap my fingers on her. They're unbending from the cold. 'Esme, p-please-'

'I've got you,' she repeats, clearly. 'Relax, you're okay.'

I'm far from okay, I'm tired and exhausted and while I had claimed no attachment to said retired genitalia… I didn't wish to part with it as sadistically as she planned.

I gulp an accidental swallow of water, desperately attempt to fountain it out when I consider the numerous bacteria lingering now not only about my numb feet but my mouth, too. Eurgh. What about various other creatures?

Fish for example?

I shudder again.

'Relax,' she repeats, softly.

Why did you do it?! I want to demand of her.

What good is this?

Why are you urging me to relax?

What is so damn right important about defying health and safety guidelines?

What's the good of drowning us both in freezing temperatures in the pitch black?

Considering that, if the park rangers caught wind of us fishing around in the water after hours, we'd likely be fined. And she'd already made her thoughts on expenditures quite clear.

'What t'are you t-thinking?' She asks, her words shivering likewise as they skim over the water.

I flap my arms in an effort to keep warm but she doesn't seem keen to attempt it. Even when I rub friction into her arms beneath the murky liquid, she pulls my hands away to stop, moves them to the general area of her ribs and lets us float without cause.

The shivers evolve into shakes now.

'About how cold you must be.'

'Look at me, Carlisle?'

I can't grant her the request. Not even when she bobs, splashes water towards me playfully.

'Hon, look at me?'

Something cold slivers up the back of my neck and yelping I slip into the water. Liquid pours into my eyes, my nose and when I clear them from droplets, I realise her friends, solely her friends, the friends I was severely displeased with at the moment, were considering themselves cosy on the edge of the water, laughing again.

I feel her drag the mop of my hair out of my eyes, wipe more errant threads of water from my complexion. I try to keep my eyes on her hands but that mostly makes me miserable and I choose instead to stare at the shapes of colour in the water.

It's so bitterly freezing that even though I know she is touching me, I can neither feel nor respond to it.

'Your lips are cold,' she hushes, warming them with the ricochet of her own words, a thumb slipping neatly on the edge. I bite the tickle and lightly pull her wrist from my expression.

Confused. Likely confused. Intoxicated, too. And cold.

'Not even frog spawn can warm them.'

'Don't say that,' she chuckles.

Spawn? I presume confused.

'If there's frogs in here, I'll scream.'

'If I tell you there are frogs in here… will you get out the water with me?'

'You don't mean that,' she mutters, shaking her now black hair to the water again. It ripples near my chin, pulls my focus back.

'I do,' I insist, I move the shadow of my hand by her waist again, not touching, just ready to guide should she submit.

The water has now calmed enough that I do not realise I am no longer shuddering. My resolve is too homed on convincing her.

'In fact, I think I saw I frog swim right past us.' I gesture with a rogue hand, let it splash without the sparks of water hitting her. 'There it goes…'

'Carlisle,' she whines, giggling and in spite of myself I let out a cool chuckle.

'Ribbet?'

She rolls her eyes, brings her knees up to float a little more before flickering her eyes to the group.

'They're such spoilsports.'

'No,' I correct. 'They are intoxicated. For once, I'm glad for it.'

'You don't look glad for it.'

I shrug, ignorant to how the waves of movement cover it. All things considered, I'd much rather have to tackle her alone and not tackle the lot of them.

'What do you feel, Carlisle?'

I turn from where I had been enviously eyeing them, arrange the ghost of my hand near her waist again in case she threatened to drift away.

'Cold,' I repeat. 'Just as you are.'

'I don't feel cold.'

'You're drunk,' I remind her.

She looks at me so fiercely, so performativity sober that I move my gaze quickly away. Likely drunk anyway.

'I don't feel drunk.' No one ever does until too late. 'Besides, I barely finished my can.'

'Nevertheless,' I implore her. 'You're cold.'

'You shouted at me,' she says, slyly.

I flinch as if Alice's name calling had returned. 'I called for you.'

'While yelling…'

'I'm sorry,' I say dejectedly. 'Look, I'm sorry. Now please can we get out the water?'

'I'm safe.'

'I know you are.' I say weakly. And this time, when I push the spread the water with a blade of my hand, pull her towards me without touching her, she does not resist. 'Are you okay, can you stand?'

Gradually, I ease her closer towards the group of faces. They're cheering her apparent stupidity though when she stands to walk towards them, she hasn't made adjustments for the change in weight and hand to the stomach of her tshirt, she trips on her left ankle.

I catch her in enough time that she doesn't split her head into the rocks but given the dizziness again, I, with the help of Edward, get her on to my back. Her wet jeans are heavier than her own weight.

Emmett comes around me, wrapping a towel around her and therefore me, smiling reservedly.

'Feel better?' he asks and given that I can't tell who he is talking to and whether or not I should be quick to forgive him, I let her answer instead.

'Invigorated,' she sighs, almost sleepily though it feels for a second as though she shakes her head.

She keeps her knees resting close enough to my sides that the threat of being tickled moves me quickly. Her long hair, not to mention the multiplication of our wet clothes is dripping like a tap down my side and now I'm out the water and now she is on my spine, the violent chill returns to my lungs.

My limbs feel completely stretched from themselves and once returning to the fire and seating her close to it, I drag the towels from us and wrap them around her, rubbing friction into her shoulders again.

'Interesting shade of lipstick there, Babe.' Rose teases, coming up to squeeze the excess water from her hair. She grins wobbly though I'm already dealing out instructions to Bella to grab whatever warm clothing she's got.

'What about you?' Edward slurs. 'What do you need?'

'I'm fine,' I hush. 'Get me your hoodie from the tent... and my shirt.'

'Survival one-oh-one says you should both get naked if you wanna warm up?' Jasper kids, passing a mug to her cold hands. I didn't see when he'd sobered up. I suppose the water incident had helped though Rose still looks pretty amused. The rest of them looked like they wanted to sleep.

Me included.

'Thanks.' I mutter.

I pretend not to see her mocking me when I pass the hot mug into her hand, nor to see Jasper shrugging when I rub the fabric down her arms again.

'How are your feet?'

'Warmer than yours.' She answers quickly.

Yet another lie which I don't bother correcting.

'Bella?'

She's already at my shoulder, smiling a little.

'Can you help-'

'I can ask myself, Cullen.'

I bite my lip, fight the exhausted urge to roll my eyes but thankfully Bella is already helping her up and together with Alice and Rose, they stumble into the tent, zip it closed with a screech. I pull the sopping wet t-shirt over my head, undo my pants with difficulty, wring my underwear dry once I've slipped into joggers.

'Cold?' Edward asks, handing me what is likely the last of the towels amongst us.

Annoyingly we chose a campsite with limited access to toilets. If I wanted to get warm again, the closest chance I'd have is running about.

'Toasty,' I mutter. I gripe a thanks as I squeeze the water from my hair, shove a jumper over the Goosebumps of my flesh.

'Something to say?' Emmett goads and in spite of my upright desire to ask what common sense class he failed in order to be this sadistic to someone who damn-right cared about him, I am too exhausted to want to fight with him.

Because if I start an attitude with him, that follows into Rose which follows into Bella trying to keep the peace and then Edward's offended so Jasper will get involved and Alice will kick off and lastly, Esme will demand what the heck is wrong with me.

And I won't have the answer.

'Nope.'

I take the mug of tea from Jasper, thank him likewise and settle myself into the grass as if I had no plans to move elsewhere for the rest of the night. It wasn't a bad plan. For example, the fire is warm and though it leaves my skin dry enough to crack, the blaze of my cheek covers the burn of other thoughts.

Like my tempering utter ferocity with them.

'How about one last round?' he asks, now apparently gesturing to the girls.

I didn't hear the tent unzip though I don't look up. I just keep my open hands close to the flames, cursing my Roman nose and whatever shade of blue it's turning.

'Last round of what?' Jasper yawns.

'A last round,' Emmett insists. 'Before we turn in?'

I'm praying that this is another ill-timed joke though his grin doesn't suggest as so.

'Carlisle?'

I wish to tell him to fuck off back to grade school. Particularly on account of him clearly in some inward joke with Es that I am refused the entry of.

'No water,' I mutter.

Apparently he's playing some kind of cupid with his last round. He dares Jasper and Alice to do a dance I had only heard Es talk about. They'd learnt it for some competition apparently and though my head is beginning to hurt again, I suppose seeing the two of them jump around is at least a nice end to the night.

That and its distracted Alice enough to stop calling me Daddy.

Next, he tricks Rose into confessing that she saw herself as most likely to be married first. She doesn't seem embarrassed to share it. She says it while looking eagerly at him.

'Student loans, Babe.'

'So?' she scoffs and she puts her hand to the thickest part of his curls, massages.

I got it. He didn't want her to be tied to her debts… and I watch as Es dreamily weaves a chain of daisies together in the dark. She isn't looking at her cold hands, nor the flowers, or the petals. She's watching the fire.

Given his apparent theme, I no longer need the glow of manmade heat to warm me. Fear already has me sweating.

Next, with admittedly, a bit of assistance from me, he has Edward recite a sonnet all the while holding Bella's hand. He chooses an interesting one. Neither a Shakespeare Sonnet, nor another Early Modern Poet.

No, he chooses Elizabeth Barrett Browning. He chooses lines I had adequately associated to Es, and I feel myself frown, my stomach flip inward. Not over the girl, over the sentiment. Over the way Esme's smile warmed, her posture softened and she quite so easily forgot this assumed bravado and simply let herself exist to the words.

I suppose we'd always have Swan Lake.

Though it ended in tragedy and I didn't want that for her.

'Truth or dare, Bella?'

She hesitates, looking amongst the faces, still blushing from Edward's token performance before smiling shyly at me.

What do you think? Her expression asks.

I shrug.

'Dare…' she mutters, carefully.

Emmett's face splits into two. He tilts his chin to the side, sizes up the remnants of the beer in her system.

'Bells,'

Edward's face brightens jealousy.

'You… you like Edward, don't you?'

She blushes again, harder, more brightly than the fire itself. I likewise notice Edward's head rear up cautiously, his hair wild.

'I mean… you've got a thing for each other?'

'Emmett!' she shrieks, hiding the suggestion with an embarrassed laugh. Yet again, I have forgotten that I'm meant to be irritated at my brother's sense of judgment. The expression on his face is… well, it's rather endearing. Lost almost. And he seems to be on the verge of fainting.

Esme flickers her eyes lashes to me, her wet hair twisted by her neck, no signs of her perfume now just the scent of someone else's offering. I hear her breath catch a little. She meets Edward's eyes. Sparkles on the suggestion.

'Edward?'

'Em-' he grumbles rubbing the back of his hair. He looks around the faces. Rather unexpectedly only Es and I seem to be looking at him. The others are looking away.

In this moment he both looks so young, so vulnerable, and so… elated.

'You like Bella, don't you?'

'Yes,' he mumbles and then he looks to her, smiles lousily. 'Yeah.'

'Bella?'

She raises her hand to her chest, pressing down in the manner that Es always used to. Almost like restarting her breath. Bella's big doe eyes take in him and then, carefully, slip to Edward.

Rosalie's gagging effect goes unnoticed.

'I dare you to make it official,' Emmett says with a shrug.

I hadn't realised that I had loomed closer again and on this suggestion, on this challenge, Esme's left hand curls around the flowers, her gasp cut sharp.

'Er-'

'I-'

Edward's green jewels focus on my own for a second. He's asking for answers, he looks to Es who is beaming at him and turns awkwardly to Bella, a shy laugh exiting his throat.

'Did you-'

'Do you-'

Es's posture comes up tighter, her hand tensing from shivers.

They laugh together, Bella looking at his chest. Despite the fact Emmett is close by, he has apparently vanished from the field. They only have eyes for one another. Even if the many of us are here as witnesses.

'Did you-?' he asks, breathlessly. 'Did you wanna-?'

His face seemed to resemble all aspects of clarity. His smile biting into his cheeks, his chuckle low, emanating.

'Better to do so now while Charlie still likes you-'

'You'll be my girlfriend?' he repeats shockingly.

To silent ears, Esme squeals.

'I'll be your girlfriend,' she agrees, under her breath.

The spontaneous applause takes Es before reason does and as though at a wedding, a few of us join them. They don't kiss, not to all these eyes. They hug. Their arms wind around each other, drunken laughs falling to each other's faces, foreheads touching.

'Urgh,' Rose complains, rolling her eyes again.

Es laughs, throws her head back to look at the stars.

'Carlisle?' Emmett asks, clicking an eyebrow up as though Esme has sat and taught him angle by angle.

'No,' I sigh.

'Truth or dare?' he repeats.

I shake my head. 'No, thank you.'

He scoffs, 'Dude, it's the last round?'

Coward. I know I am a coward. I can feel in my bones how much of a coward I am but I can't do it. I can't have her reject me in front of us all. I can't be responsible for her not rejecting me when she likely wishes she could.

I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it.

Because I was her flatmate. I was her friend. Because I love her, I would rather her not stumble in an attempt to flatter me, only for it to harm her later.

'No.' I repeat.

'But…' he looks to Es. She is frowning at her feet. 'But you don't even know what I am going to say?'

'I don't wish to know, Emmett.'

He pushes his lips together, glares. 'What, you think I'm going to say something insensitive? Hurt you in some way-?'

The lame minutes of sleep I had caught over the last few days are enough to pit me against the animal I fear he wishes to resemble.

'Given the fact you have struggled to contain your thoughts before, yes, I will admit to being testy with your unpredictable nature-'

'You really think I am out to get you-' he repeats, incredulous. 'Fucking me?!'

I feel my legs pull me to a lunge. They're stiff from the cold but that only puts them in a better stance to hold my ground.

'I don't know who you're out to get-' I mark. Es has come up too now, confused a hand drifting near me.

'Carlisle-'

'You really wanna tie me in with those asshole friends of yours? We weren't even there at your Fucking party, what would we have against it-'

'Like you said-' I mutter through my teeth. 'You weren't there and you've made your opinions pretty fucking clear-'

'Carlisle, calm down.' Es repeats, thickly.

Her hand tries to encase me again but I move away from her, to meet Emmett on the edge of the flame now. The rest of them come jumping up, Edward pulling back, insisting I retreat.

'You're losing it.' He taps the side of his temple. 'If we wanted to hurt you, we could do it in an instant-'

'What's stopping you then?!'

'Is that the problem? All this money of yours driving you to paranoia? I don't want your money, Carlisle. None of us do-'

'You wouldn't even know the half of it-'

'Back down,' Es repeats and I realise Edward has got a grip of my shoulder, my elbows bent at his sides in a crouch not unlike his stupid console games.

'You don't get to buy the fucking rest us of, either-'

'Emmett-' Esme yells. 'Enough, stop it. Stop doing this-'

'Go on,' Emmet goads me. 'Go on, ask. You already know I had it picked out.'

'I'm not here to play your pathetic games-'

'What are you here for, then?! Because you clearly don't want to be here. You'd clearly rather prance the fuck off to some other state-'

'Emmett, you're not helping,' Es repeats and now she's glaring at Rose, looking helpless to Jasper who has a hand likewise on the beast. Alice and Bella seem blank with shock, wondering where the hell my outburst has come from.

Because they wouldn't blame Emmett. Emmett was just being Emmett.

I am the one acting out of character.

'I know it hasn't entered the vicinity of your mental capacity but believe it or not, I'm trying to keep you safe-'

'Well you're fucking failing!'

That elastic band snaps against my neck. I feel Edward grasp me back, Es put her hands on either of our clothing.

'Because it's so easy to make those decisions, it's so simple for everyone-'

'Ask me,' he taunts 'Be a big boy and ask me what you are too pathetic to acknowledge.'

'You think this is life?' I demand. 'You think hiding in some forest, drinking fucking moonshine, flirting with women? Sex? Is that what your life is?'

'You just think you're better than us because you're so abstinent.' He yells. 'You don't get it. You'll never get it. You think that's all we are because you're so fucking uptight all the time. So in your brain-'

'One of us has got to be-'

'And yet we'd all be far safer without it.'

'You just can't conceive it,' I growl. 'You think because it's not in your face, it's not there. You think because it's not you with a camera, we can trust you not to open your fucking mouth every time the reporters come knocking-'

He guffaws.

'So you do think I sold you out.' He shakes his head menacingly. 'You think I'd do that to any of you?'

'Lancelot? Fucking Lancelot? Hardly plucked out of thin air, Emmett, you called Edward that since the moment he started playing ball with you.'

'Stick to the story either I'm stupid enough I don't know what I'm saying or I'm smart enough to hand out credits to anyone who asked me.'

'Maybe both,' I half-shriek and now I know I sound deranged.

'I called Edward Lancelot once. I didn't do it on the playing field, I did it at home. After the newspapers did. We were playing a video game. I never called him Lancelot again.'

'Well fine-'

'Carlisle-' Edward repeats, 'think about this.'

'The marijuana in the back yard? Broken plant pots, bad parking, funny how all these incidents coincide with Emmett being around-'

'You really are thick.' He mutters. 'Listen, Cullen. I've been high in your house more times than I've been sober. Smoking pot in the garden? Is that really meant to be a surprise to you?'

'You said it yourself, it's all a fucking game to you-'

'You're a game to me. This.' He yells. 'This pathetic, incessant, insane treadmill you have us on. Man, you don't fucking live-'

My temper flares again, Esme hands tighten.

'What? Because I'm not high at every given opportunity? Because I don't pride myself of drinking myself stupid every Saturday? Because I have a job, a career and not a girlfriend-?'

'There it is,' he laughs, indicating me with two open palms. 'There you are. Can't even admit it to yourself, can you?'

'Can't admit what?!'

'That's the problem with you, Cullen. You stopped telling the truth so long ago, you don't even know when you're lying. And to dare? You wouldn't dare to do anything outside your block of rules-'

'Piss off-'

'Seven reporters. That's how many have turned up on my door. Three harassed Jasper during lessons. Alice has been fighting them at work. Rose?'

She drops her eyes to her straight locks, look awkwardly to Esme and nods.

'They're following us tooth and nail so I'm really glad this is what we're doing it for. Just to be called liars to our faces-'

'Emmett, stop it-'

'Funny how they keep coming to you. Almost as if they can spot a leak-'

He grunts, lunges towards me and though I don't drag myself back, I feel myself being pushed by foreign perfume and a warm hand.

'Enough,' she begs.

When I finally drop my eyes from the growth of Emmett's face, I feel myself shrink to a much smaller height. Millimetres.

'Do you even see what you're doing to each other?' Es demands eyes hunting the space. 'To all of us?'

'Esme-'

'You think you can speak for me?' she asks, softly. 'You think either of you get to tear each other apart for any of this? Carlisle I am giving up everything- everything for you-'

'I know.'

'No you don't know. You don't know, dammit. I am giving it up, I am surrendering and you know what, when Masen says I have to marry you just to save our asses, I'm not going to resent him.'

I bite my jaw down.

'I'd be grateful if you'd bear me the same courtesy.'

'You don't mean that,' I mutter. I touch the edge of my temples.

'You don't get to speak for me.'

Emmett snags an eyebrow. I am craving with desperation in the form of liquid saliva, to hit him as violently as I may.

'Ask him,' Es insists, I bite harder. 'Carlisle?'

'I'm tired,' I excuse and though I'm also rivalled with a fury I can't put to use, I force myself to back a little into Edward, make them grant me space.

'Go on Carlisle, ask?'

I flicker hard eyes to Emmett. He's smiling thought not with any honesty.

'I was gunna dare you to kiss her,' he murmurs, nodding to Es. She reads so blankly in the face; I would do better drawing a new expression rather than trying to guess her current one.

'I've had enough of this-'

'Carlisle-?'

'I said I'm not playing,' I repeat harshly. 'I'm not doing this. I'm not spinning in this spiral of- of-'

'For fuck sake-' she reiterates.

Edward moves away from me now, or rather Esme comes towards me in what feels like a breath of molten, nitrogen ice pouring into my lungs. With a dancer's caution, she swings her right foot forward, her left poised behind and carefully, speedily places the cold ties of her lips between my own.

Poison seeps between them, sends my heart erratic at first and then silent. I hadn't put my hands anywhere but at the rush pressure, of her nose angled against mine, the smell, the promise of Esme- I push her shoulders roughly from me and bolt towards the forest.