Note: You know, we were thinking. This story is really long, isn't it? The finale is going to have a lot to pay off, and it's possible that some people have been reading for so long they won't even remember most of the things that happened. So, we figured...this is supposed to be styled like an anime, right? And what is an anime without a poorly placed recap episode?

Enjoy.

Dr. Noetal sat in front of her laptop and stretched her arms out in front of her head. She took a sip from her thermos of coffee and wiggled her toes in her fluffy pink slippers. One of the benefits of working from home was not having to dress up every single day. She could get used to that kind of life, even if the circumstances of her work were very unfortunate. She was shocked when she saw that Beacon had been attacked, but her thoughts instantly raced to her concerns for the students who had trained so hard to be a part of such a prestigious institution. She knew that they had to be suffering. It was hard enough to be a Huntsman without the world literally coming to an end.

That was why she had sent an email out to the student body letting them know that she was offering personal free therapy sessions over winter break. It wasn't something she'd usually do; the entire point of break was to give the students a rest from having to listen to their elders for once. Yet, she hoped that she could do some good, and after only a week, she was proven correct. Two dozen students had reached out to her hoping to get involved with sessions, and she prided herself on being able to listen to them and calm their nerves as she guided them through such scary times. She had done a lot of good, and she was looking forward to continuing her work. She had three appointments scheduled for today, and her first was at one o'clock when the sun was brightest even through the heavy grey clouds.

It would be a doozy.

She entered her web meeting and waited around fifteen minutes for her client to actually bother arriving. When she did, the screen of her laptop was filled with a bob of bright blue hair and a thick, ugly sneer.

"Hello, Aqua," Dr. Noetal said warmly. Aqua responded with her usual charm.

"S'up."

"How have you been doing this past week?"

"Not well," Aqua said glumly. "Because you know…the fucking school exploded."

Dr. Noetal still tried to smile. "I…I see."

"Didn't even really like that school. A lot of shitty things happened at that school. But I paid tuition there. I would have preferred if it didn't fucking explode."

"Yes," Dr. Noetal nodded. "This week has been very rough for all of us. I know that we have all had to do a lot of thinking lately for what's truly important in our life—"

"Like not exploding."

"Y-Yes. Like not exploding."

The video feed was laggy and its quality wasn't great, but Dr. Noetal could see that Aqua was a bit of a mess. She hadn't bothered putting on makeup, or a smile—or pants, probably. Dr. Noetal had to admit that she wasn't very familiar with Aqua's home life, but she wasn't going to inquire beyond what her client was comfortable with. Part of being a good psychiatrist was understanding boundaries.

"So," Aqua muttered, "how long do I have to be here?"

"Well, it's your session," Dr. Noetal explained. "You can take as much or as little time as you'd like."

Aqua pursed her lips. "So, what you're saying is that I can bail right now?"

"Is that what you would like to do?"

Aqua considered it for a moment but then sighed heavily. "No. My mom would just yell at me if I didn't even try to talk to you."

"All right, then," Dr. Noetal said, feeling a little more hopeful. "What would you like to talk about?"

"Fuck, I don't know," Aqua said bitterly. "This whole semester has just been fucking awful. It's so fucked and stupid and fucked—hey, can I swear?"

"I won't stop you."

"Fuck yeah. You're cool, Doc."

"Thanks."

"But yeah, this whole semester has just been one fucking piece of shit after another. It's been a fucking hellfuck. Just a shitfucking hellfuck of shit and fuck."

"Okay, I didn't mean you should swear this much."

"Okay, then I take back saying you're cool."

"That's acceptable."

"But yeah," Aqua groaned. "Where do I even begin with explaining what's gone wrong?"

"Well," Dr. Noetal suggested. "Why don't you just start at the beginning? Walk me through the semester and tell me what's been troubling you."

Aqua shrugged. She supposed that an overview wouldn't hurt anyone. "If you say so…"

You see, Doc, it all started back when Ruby was four years old. Her mother did some terrorist shit and Atlas shot her in the brain on public television.

"Wait a second. Ruby? Why are we talking about Ruby and her mom?"

Because that's where my problems began, Doc! You said to start at the beginning. See, if Ruby didn't watch her mom get her brains blown out, she wouldn't have wanted to become a Huntress. If she didn't want to be a Huntress, she wouldn't have happened to be in Vale when Roman Torchwick coincidentally attacked the Dust shop she was in. If that Dust shop wasn't attacked, she wouldn't have sliced Roman's arm like a piece of pepperoni, and then she wouldn't have been found by Professor Goodwitch, and then she wouldn't have come to Beacon, where she wouldn't have ruined my fucking life.

"You think that Ruby ruined your life?"

Not just Ruby—that whole goddamn team of hers. Weiss. Blake. Yang. Team RWBY. And the crazy part is that they all started by hating each other, and yet they still managed to unite when it came to fucking me in my ass.

"You're going to need to explain that one."

See, they used to fight all the time. The first time Weiss met Ruby, she went on this huge rant about how she wanted to kill her and stuff. Crazy violent. Blake was hanging around in shadows being all like, "Hey, I'm emo and dark and Beacon is evil." Yang was just there at first. Didn't do a lot. They were fighting since the start, even during the inauguration tests. There was this one big incident where Weiss and Ruby were lured into fighting each other by the staff, and Ruby went wham and socked Weiss right in the nose. Ha! Dumb bitch. It was fucking awesome.

"How do you know about all this?"

Oh, this was all the hottest school drama at the time. Everyone was talking about it. I loved it. And yeah, I helped spread those rumors. I started some shit. Is that a problem with you?

"I suppose it's all in the past."

So yeah, they were all in fucking disarray. But somehow, most of them ended up doing pretty well. I mean, Ruby got dumped into like Team Eight or something, but Weiss made it into the top team in the school. She was with Pyrrha Nikos. Do you know Pyrrha Nikos?

"Yes."

Pyrrha's badass, but she's not on my team, so she can, you know…suck a big ol' schlong. But anyway, me and the others—

"The others and I."

Gesundheit. Me and the others ended up pretty well. Yang and Blake were on Team Three with me, and everything was great. And then, guess what happened?

"What happ—"

Those bitches fucked up! That's what happened! Yang and Blake and Ruby and Weiss all got together through a set of wacky circumstances, and those dipshits ended up exploring the Emerald Forest together. And yeah, I guess they ended up saving Team CFVY's lives, but the end of that was that all those whores got reassigned to new teams, and I ended up getting new, worse teammates. I went down to Team Five. Five! What a crock of shit. And it's not even like they got expelled for blatantly violating our curfew. I guarantee that if I did that shit, I'd get kicked out faster than you can say "cream cheese spread on a freshly baked bagel."

"That's a very peculiar choice for a thing to say."

Huh? Oh, sorry. I hadn't eaten breakfast yet. Mmhm. Bagel.

"Um…Team RWBY?"

Whores, I tell you! I mean, what did they do that was so great? It's not like they—I don't know, for the sake of argument—fought a massive invincible bear creature made of shadows and darkness. So yeah, that was what happened to them. I thought they would get expelled, but nooooo. Instead, they have a little contest against Team CRDL to fight for their chance for survival. I had to watch all that, too. Do you think it was fun to watch them just get their asses kicked over and over? Because the answer is yes. It was very fun. I liked it when Weiss got smacked in the head. It's so big and dumb it's like a big target. She has the most punchable head in Remnant. Just wanna…just wanna punch her.

"Do you think that's a healthy way to get out your aggression?"

Hey, Weiss is, like, a literal fascist. You can punch her. Give her a smackeroonee.

"I would like to talk a little bit about that. Do you believe it's acceptable for—"

Did I sound like I'm finished with my story?

"No. My apologies. Go ahead."

Okay, so the fights between CRDL and RWBY. Very exciting. Very dramatic. The thing that made that fun was that RWBY kept yelling at each other the whole time. Weiss yelled at Ruby. Ruby yelled at Yang. Blake yelled at Weiss. Just a whole lot of fighting among them. It was really great. But there was also some funky stuff going on in there. Like during the second fight, CRDL's weapons just exploded. Kind of like Beacon. Which I'm mad about. But yeah, their weapons blew up and it was weird and Team RWBY won that round by default. I thought for sure that they would get eliminated during the third and final match, but instead, they won! And you know how? It wasn't because of skill. It was because they learned the magic of friendship! What kind of bullshit is that? I never won a fight by learning the power of lifelong companionship! That's like some kid shit. Also, their team motto had a naughty word in it. That's not allowed! If I was Ozpin, I would have disqualified them right there on the spot and kicked them out faster than you can say "cream cheese spread on a freshly baked bagel."

Fuck, I really want a bagel.

"All right. I'm starting to see what your problem with Team RWBY is. You believe that they have been given opportunities or advantages that they do not deserve at your expense. Not getting expelled. Switching teams, resulting in lowering your team ranking. Envy can be especially powerful in your teen years. But surely you have to understand that Team RWBY didn't do any of this to you out of malice."

Malice?

"Yes. While their actions could surely be described as irresponsible in some sense, they didn't mean to hurt you. Holding grudges can be very damaging for a person's psyche, especially when the other person doesn't feel anything similar toward you. It's living rent-free in one's head, as they say."

Oh no, I got that. But malice? What does that mean?

"You…you don't know what the word malice means?"

It makes me think of chalice, and that sounds fancy. I don't do fancy words. I'm a simple bitch.

"It means having ill-intent. Wanting to hurt someone. Being mean, essentially."

Eh. Sounds complicated. Can I continue my story?

"Sure. Go ahead."

So anyway, some time goes by and Team RWBY starts to get their shit together. Then, these motherfuckers actually have the nerve to accept a Huntsman Partnership! They go out to the middle of nowhere to help a random Faunus woman get a book. That's literally it. They spend several days during our fall break walking around a town looking for a book. I don't even think the book is all that relevant to anything. What's even the point of it? I guess they got to argue more.

"Wait, how do you know about this? Did they tell you?"

Tell me? Like I would ever willingly talk to those wretched gumdrop-button-nosed nob-gobblers? No. I have a cousin in Brooksbarrow, the town that they went to. She works as a bartender and she gave me all the deets. She's really cool. One time when I was fourteen, she even—don't tell my mom I said this—gave me a sip of alcohol.

"Wow. That is cool."

Isn't it so cool?

"Very cool."

But yeah, that was just a one-off. After that, I led my team in a fight against RWBY, but we lost because my teammates are stupid nitwits who couldn't follow simple instructions.

"You know, I think I'm sensing a pattern here. RWBY is at fault for you losing your team ranking. Your teammates are at fault for you losing the battle. Now, I'm not suggesting that these are entirely inaccurate statements. In fact, they very well seem to have a large degree of truth to them. But the pattern is something noteworthy. Can I ask you: When was the last time that you blamed yourself for something going wrong?"

I have no problem blaming myself as long as I'm responsible for the thing going wrong. Which is never. Because I'm never wrong.

"I see."

Oh, can I talk about the gang warfare now?

"Excuse me?"

Okay, so get this. Ruby takes Weiss on a retreat to a Faunus shelter so she can learn that racism is bad. Coco Adel has to be like, "Hey, Weiss, don't be racist," and she's all like, "No actually, I'm the real victim of racism or something. Look at my dumb face." I think they talked about how wealth is distributed across household earnings or some fucking economic shit that I'm too lazy to look up. Luckily, Weiss had a conversation with Velvet where she learned that actually, it's okay that she's racist because she cares or something, and then she sends them a check full of money on her sister's credit card. Like, is that really charity if it's someone else's money? I guess they wouldn't have gotten it otherwise so…yes? There's a philosophy for your brain.

"A: How do you know this? B: How is this gang warfare?"

You see, my second cousin once removed actually happens to work at the taxi company that drove Weiss and Ruby to the shelter. He sometimes texts me about any juicy conversations he overhears, and he just so happened to hear Weiss blabbing about all of this on their ride home. As for the gang warfare, that was happening with Blake and Yang. See, Yang has this massive crush on Blake because their both shitty people, and to impress her, they both decide to go beat up some members of a criminal gang to avenge the Faunus who got her house fucked up by unrelated members of that same gang. So, they go there. Pow! Whack! Wham! They fucked up all the Droogs—but then! Plot twist: their really short leader fucking kidnaps Yang and Blake and decides to sell them to a lady in a forest.

"This seems totally unrelated to the previous thing."

It isn't. Trust me. Super related.

"And you know about this how exactly?"

Oh, easy. I was actually in the forest where this was all happening.

"You were?"

Yep. I was there the entire time. See, every October in Forever Fall, the flying squirrels come to collect their nuts. I couldn't miss that.

"So you were there in Forever Fall to watch the flying squirrels gather when you happened to see this act of human trafficking?"

No, I wasn't watching the squirrels. I was there to throw rocks at them.

"Excuse me?"

Yeah, they go soaring through the air, and it's super fun to pick up a rock and just chuck it at their stupid little bodies. Super fun. Fucking hate squirrels. I got bit by a squirrel once when I was five. Bushy-tailed little prick…

"Aqua, exhibiting signs of animal cruelty is troubling. I think we should maybe explore this—"

And I think I should finish my story first! So, there they all were in the forest, and there was this woman who was made of glass. I think they called her Mrs. Glass. What an unoriginal name. Seriously, if I came up with a nickname for myself, I would try to be a little funny with it. "Oh, look at me. I'm made of glass. Mrs. Glass. Har har." Stupid bitch. What a moron. But then, double plot twist! The glass lady crossed the short lady and a giant bird showed up and tried to eat everyone. It chased them around for a long while, Yang and Blake fell off a cliff—

"This is a lot to take in all at once."

Yeah, that's what they all say. So Blake was concussed and she was all fucked up, so Yang had to do the heavy lifting. It kind of fucked her up, too, because she started hallucinating like crazy. She was lying in this cave with Blake trying not to freeze to death and she started yelling at nothing, and she was all, "Boo hoo, you ruin my life, evil other me. Why would you do that?" I don't know what the evil other her was doing. Probably insulting her for her big ass.

"And you were watching this whole thing happen?"

Yep. I was perched out in a tree just outside, watching, chucking rocks at squirrels. It was fun.

"Wait a second. Did you have water?"

Yep.

"Scroll?"

Yep.

"So, that whole time they were suffering, and bleeding, and dying, you literally could have called for help, or gave them something to drunk, or assisted them in any way you wanted."

I could have.

"But you didn't."

No, I did not.

"Why?"

Why? Can't you tell? Do you really think those bitches would have done the same for me?

"Almost certainly yes."

Well, then they're dumb! Dumber than the squirrels! If someone is stupid enough to get themselves human trafficked, then they got to get themselves out of it. That's my motto.

"Is that really the appropriate attitude for a Huntress to have? Surely, we've all been victims of circumstances. You yourself claim to be the victims of other people's actions. Wouldn't it make sense for—"

Doc, do you believe that polar bears are the sexiest kind of bear?

"I'm…not sure I follow you."

And I'm not following your stupid insights, so zippity-doo your dippity face! Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah! Team RWBY ruining my life.

"I feel like most of this has been completely unrelated to you."

I assure you: it's all connected. Deeply, intensely connected. Every single action ties directly into the next.

"I doubt that."

So, Yang and Blake bang each other.

"In the forest?"

No. In the nurse's office.

"I heard they got a lot of complaints about that."

And yet, the lesbians weren't punished. When I masturbated in the nurse's office, I got detention for three weeks.

"I'm sorry, what—"

Oh, God's Arm! We gotta talk God's Arm! Weiss's sister, Winter, shows up at Beacon. She's like, "Hey, bitch. Daddy sent me to fuck you up. You're gonna have to go through some Trials." Weiss was all, "Waaah, I don't wanna! But I guess I will for reasons!" So then RWBY gathers around, and Team JNPR gets invited, and they all take part in this ultra-secret ceremony where they summon the literal Gods of Atlas down to Remnant and they take turns beating the shit out of Weiss! Isn't that something?

"…"

I said: Isn't that something?

"Huh?"

Why are you not reacting? I mean, you heard me, right? Is our connection breaking up?

"Oh, yes. I heard you. I've actually heard about this 'Decum Luna' from a therapy session I had with RWBY. The surprise was ruined for me. That being said, if this ceremony was so secret, how did you hear about it?"

Easy. There were these two priest-ladies who had to oversee the whole thing for religious purposes. They had these big cloaks and bald heads and stuff.

"So you got the information from them?"

I beat the shit out of one of them and stole her clothes.

"Oh, dear God."

Yeah, I was there the whole time. Watching the God's Arm, seething in rage at not being invited. How dare those fuckers not include me in another adventure—I mean, uh, I hate them. I don't want to be their friend at all. They're such losers with their…their loser faces…and bodies…yeah.

"That's the most revealing thing you've said all day. If we could dig a little deeper—"

So, the Trials happened and this dude named the Reveler showed up. He's an asshole and he talked like a prick. It was pretty crazy. Fucking weird as fuck. I got teleported to this alternate dimension full of crystals where I got chased by giant frogs. They almost ate me. I saw the others also getting chased by giant frogs, but they didn't see me and I didn't bother saying hi. They looked like they had enough shit they were going through. Dark shit, too. Weiss got her face all carved up, and Ruby got a word carved into her spine, and it turns out that Weiss's sister got lobotomized by her dad to become an obedient slave.

"That's…very dark."

Oh, yeah. It was a mood.

"I mean, that's just unnecessarily grim."

Yeah, but then Weiss solved a mannequin puzzle and God exploded and everything went back to normal, and no one has really talked about it since.

"Huh."

Just another normal day at Beacon.

"I feel like there's more to discuss there."

No, there isn't.

"Are you sure?"

Yep. Moving on.

"I really think exploring the emotional consequences of this would be—"

Excuse me, is this your therapy session?

"…No, Aqua."

Then we talk about what I want to talk about. Let's see, what happened to Team RWBY next…oh, that's right! They overtook my spot in the team ranking, those goddamn sluts! And they got to skip finals. I was so jelly. Ooh, jelly. That also goes well on a bagel. Okay, what else? Umm…they fought a dragon. Something something Goodwitch. Something something secrets about Ruby's mom. And then Yang and Ruby had this gigantic fight, figuratively and literally. They were mad over their dead mom who was a terrorist but maybe not a terrorist but maybe was a terrorist but for complicated, morally grey reasons. I don't know. It's never explained. They smacked each other around a whole bunch, except I didn't get to watch. Lame! Some cool things happened there too. Yang went insane and tried to do some murdering, but then Goodwitch jumped in and cast a cool magic spell and froze Yang's bones or whatever. Then, Team RWBY broke up and they all went home for winter break. And then there was a terrorist attack on Beacon.

"Okay, so that's pretty much everything then. We're all caught up to the present. Looking over this series of events, I think we can note that—"

We're not done. We haven't talked about Blake's phone call.

"What? What phone call?"

When she calls Ruby and Weiss at their house and confesses that she committed the terrorist attack and explains her whole tragic backstory.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Yeah! She confesses everything. She's secretly a Faunus and has a troubled past and—

"Wait, wait, wait. Blake called Ruby and Weiss at their house and confessed all of these things to them?"

I just said that.

"I mean, there's a lot of questions there, but how would you even find out about that in the first place? You didn't have a cousin listening in on them, and they were all alone, so how did you—"

I hacked Ruby's Scroll.

"You what?"

To spy on her.

"For what?"

For my schemes.

"Why?"

Bitch had it coming.

"Look, Aqua…that's bad. That's a very bad thing to do."

Eh.

"No, not eh! Bad! I mean, that plus the assault on the priest and the animal abuse…you've confessed to a lot of serious crimes here, Aqua."

Eh. I'll be fine. I mean, it's all protected by doctor-patient privilege, right?

"That's not at all how that works, actually."

Oh. What about attorney-client privilege?

"I'm not your attorney."

Teacher-student privilege?

"I don't think that's a thing."

Adult-child privilege?

"Also not a thing."

White privilege?

"Good grief…"

Hey, I'm the one who found out that Blake was responsible for the Beacon attacks! I should be getting a medal, not being chastised by you for your morals and shit.

"First of all, any confession under those circumstances wouldn't be admissible in court. Second: I feel like if you really wanted justice, you would have taken that to the police already. Third: I'm here to help with your therapy. That's all. If it's unrelated to your mental health, I really can't do much about it."

But this is related to my mental health, Doc! These bitches have ruined my life with all of their drama and bullshit. I haven't even gotten to the crazy fight yet between Weiss and Blake where they didn't kill each other. Give me a fucking break! It's just been going on and on and on and on, and honestly, I think I'm getting close to ending it all.

"Aqua, are you talking about suicide or murder?"

What do you think?

"So, murder. That's very bad, Aqua. Don't do that."

Hey, you can't tell me what to do. You ain't my therapist.

"I literally am your therapist."

Well, you suck as a therapist! All you ever want to do is ask me questions or judge me for wanting to murder people. You think I'm crazy, but you'd be crazy too if you had to follow around the misadventures of the angriest, depressed group of teenagers ever to step through the doors of Beacon Academy! Those bitches make me sick! Sick to my core, dammit! I hope they all die soon in—let's say, hypothetically—a giant monster attack on the City of Vale.

"I don't think that's going to happen."

Well, it could! And if it does happen, it better be satisfying! I mean, that's the good thing, right? If a giant monster attacks, based on how grim and miserable everything has been, at least they're all going to get violently murdered. Like, we're in agreement? They would totally die under those circumstances.

"In these strange, hypothetical circumstances were a giant monster attacks the city? I don't know. Those girls are quite resourceful. They may be able to pull victory from the clutches of defeat yet again."

God, I hope not. I'll eat my shoe.

"Please don't."

Try me.

"Well, Aqua, this has certainly been an…enlightening session."

Does that mean I'm free to go?

"I'll be honest: therapy is best for those who are receptive to it. After listening to your story, I think that you may not be in the right headspace yet to accept what I have to tell you. I don't think that it would be a very productive use of our time for me to just sit here and tell you things you don't want to hear. So, I think we can call it a little early for today. You know my contact info in case you ever want to try this again."

I promise I will literally never speak to you for as long as I live.

"Um, okay then. I hope you enjoy your bagel, Aqua."

After listening to you fucking drone on for the last seven hours, you're goddamn right I'm going to enjoy that bagel. Gonna dip that motherfucker in chocolate and caramel. Later bi-atch!

The virtual call suddenly shut off, and Dr. Noetal was left staring blankly at her reflection on the screen. She sighed and took another sip from her thermos. Aqua was quite a child. She was passionate, at least. That was something good. She hoped that Aqua would one day be willing to get help for her violence issues…and her personality disorders…and her diet. She leaned back in her chair and stared up at the ceiling, passing the time in silence until her next call. She thought about Aqua's final words: of how Team RWBY would likely die soon, and how she hoped it would be at the hands of a giant monster attacking the City of Vale. Dr. Noetal couldn't help but smile to herself.

Seriously, what were the odds of that happening?

Note: Happy April Fools' Day. Thank you so much for reading till the end. The first chapter of the finale drops tomorrow.