Author's Note: tw for medical related things, emetophobia mentions, and some depression.

/\/\/\/\/\

Everything was rather fuzzy and blurry for Remus for several minutes. He was dimly aware of Prewett carrying him into his office and conjuring a small couch to set Remus on. Prewett also draped a cool, wet cloth across his forehead and soon he smelled tea.

"Here." Prewett put a cup of tea into Remus's hands after he sat up.

Remus clutched the cup, staring into the amber liquid. "I'm s-sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry. Th—that—I—" He struggled to find the right words.

Prewett leaned against his desk. "No need to apologize, Mr. Lupin. You've had… quite a shock. Do you need to go see Madame Pomfrey?"

Remus took a sip at the tea. "Erm…" Part of him wanted desperately to say yes, to go and curl up in the safety of the hospital wing. Part of him didn't want to seem so… weak… He took another sip before giving the tiniest of nods. Because otherwise the others would want to know what happened. Of course, they'd want to know anyway but this way he could put it off for a while.

They were waiting a few feet down the corridor, jumping up when they saw him then frowning when they realized Prewett was with him. Remus felt extremely sick when he saw them and he quickly turned his head away, unable to look at them. All he could see was the boggart. The wounds. The blood.

"Mr. Lupin's had a bit of a shock," Prewett explained carefully. "I'm going to take him to the hospital wing for some rest."

Remus could feel Sirius's silvery stare on him. "Remy?"

He couldn't answer. Even Sirius's voice hurt. It sounded normal—he knew it sounded normal—but all he could hear was the croaking, dying voice the boggart had.

"He just needs some rest," Prewett promised. "Some peace and quiet. Run along now, I'm sure he'll be back with you around suppertime."

Remus followed Prewett, wishing his friends wouldn't stare after him. It made him feel worse. Pathetic. He should've been able to shake it off and go with them like everything was fine. James had gone through something extremely disturbing and was… relatively all right. Maybe not all right, but he had been able to stay with his friends.

He didn't see his friends broken and bleeding from his own actions, a voice in the back of his head reminded him.

Soon Remus was tucked in a hospital bed with some calming potion inside of him. Prewett didn't tell Pomfrey the details of what happened, only that Remus's attempt with the boggart hadn't gone well. He also told Pomfrey that Remus shouldn't have any visitors. Which was good because soon after Prewett left, the Marauders showed up and Remus could hear them arguing with Pomfrey until she kicked them out.

Remus slept on and off for the next hour and a half, getting the rest everyone wanted him to get. Unfortunately he also had nightmares. He woke up screaming every time he dozed off, images of their ruined bodies still running through his head. Everything felt so much more real now that he had physically seen what he was capable of.

It didn't take long for Pomfrey to move Remus to his little room, with silencing spells so nobody would hear his screams—for his sake, not theirs.

At around four-thirty, as he lay staring at the wall, he remembered that Peter was going to face the boggart outside. James and Sirius will be there for him, he thought, biting his bottom lip. That'll be… good enough… right?

He tossed and turned for a good ten minutes before getting out of bed, finding Pomfrey to tell her he was feeling better—or at least well enough to go rest in the dorms now. After that, he slowly made his way outside to the Quidditch pitch, frowning when he saw quite a few students milling around. The Marauders were a little ways off from the crowd, Peter visibly devastated.

"Remus!" James called out.

His glasses hanging from his bloodied ear.

Remus kept his head down as he went over to them. They gathered around him, wanting to know what happened. Sirius noted that Remus looked extremely pale. Remus reassured them he was mostly fine, that he still wasn't feeling great but he wanted to be there for Peter. Peter smiled, reaching over to squeeze Remus's arm gratefully.

At least feeling mostly numb meant the panic wasn't too bad at the moment.

Plus it didn't even feel like Peter was touching him. It felt like nothing, like Peter was touching someone else entirely, and that helped too.

"Wh—what's with all the people?" Remus looked over at the crowd. There were students from all the years, though the greatest concentration was of second years.

"Someone let it out what was happening," Sirius growled.

You killed us, his voice whispered. Remus swallowed, wrapping his arms around himself to hide the fact he was digging his nails into his arms, trying to feel pain to stop himself from having another breakdown.

"Spinnet or Twycross," sighed James. "I'm pretty sure it was Spinnet."

Professor Prewett appeared with the trunk floating behind him. A flash of anger went across his face when he saw the large group. "Mr. Pettigrew." He came over to the Marauders. "I'm assuming you didn't invite all these… bystanders?"

"N-n-no!" Peter whined. "I don't—I didn't—"

"As I thought. Come along." He went to the entrance to the pitch where Madame Hooch was waiting, arms folding. He spoke with her then turned to face the crowd who were beginning to come towards the doors. "Attention everyone! As none of you have been invited to this private lesson, surely you realize you're not allowed inside. Any student that has not been invited that is found inside or looking inside will have points removed from their house as well as a few nights of detention." He gave them all a smile then motioned for the Marauders to go in.

"You can't keep us out of the pitch," complained an older Slytherin student that Remus thought might have been on the Slytherin Quidditch team.

"He can't," Hooch said, straightening up, "but I can. And if anyone disobeys Professor Prewett I might get angry enough to place a ban forbidding the student who has broken the rule to ever coming onto the pitch again. Whether they're on a team or not!"

The Slytherin glared at her while several other students began murmuring angrily. Prewett, Hooch, and the Marauders went through the entrance and Prewett conjured an enormous swath of fabric that he pinned over the entrance, blocking the view of anyone who was trying to peer in.

"I'm gonna throw up," Peter moaned as they went to the middle of the pitch. "I can't do this."

James pat his back. "You'll be fine."

Remus wrapped his arms around himself, focusing on Prewett setting the trunk up. Part of him was afraid that somehow the boggart would sense him and start turning into—into…

"All right, Mr. Pettigrew, step up here," Prewett said. Peter gulped, taking several shaky steps forward until he stood where Prewett indicated. "Now, obviously we all know what your boggart will turn into. Let me know when you've thought of a way to turn it into something funny."

"Can't…"

"You can do it!" Sirius shouted.

"Yeah, Petey!" James called out.

"Y—you've g-got this," Remus said, trying to make his voice loud enough but knowing he didn't do as great a job as the other two. He felt like such a crap friend.

Peter nodded, clutching his wand. "A—all right. Um. I th-think I'm r-ready."

"Very well."

Prewett flicked his wand and Remus held his breath as the kraken exploded out of the trunk. It was huge! How it fit inside the classroom as well as it did was beyond him. The tentacles flung everywhere but James, Sirius, Remus, and Madame Hooch were standing well out of the way. Peter and Prewett both had to duck under one flailing tentacle, Prewett commanding Peter to use the spell.

"R—riddukulus! Um, riddiklis! No—um—AHHH!" He threw himself to the ground as one tentacle almost hit him. "I can't!"

James cupped his hands around his mouth. "Riddikulus! Peterrr! You can do it!"

Peter scrambled to his feet, swaying a little. "Rid—ri—riddikulus!"

The spell hit the boggart and for several seconds it appeared that nothing happened, then it was obvious the kraken was shrinking down. It grew smaller and smaller until it became a small toy octopus laying harmlessly on the ground.

Peter's legs buckled and he fell down; James and Sirius rushed forward, hauling him up, hugging and congratulating him. Remus started to go forward, then hesitated. The way they had moved meant Sirius swung around closer to the boggart and it began shifting again, behind his back. Prewett had already waved his wand and the boggart was thrown into the trunk but not before Remus saw that whatever Sirius's boggart was, it had a human shape.

/\/\/\

Remus didn't go to supper that night, instead going straight to the tower and under his bed. He yanked the covers over his head, reciting various lessons to avoid thinking about things. He remained under his covers pretty much the entire evening, only taking a couple of trips out to use the bathroom and, at one point, to get a shower with very hot water as he tried to scrub the feeling of blood off his body.

The Marauders didn't really bother him again about his boggart, thankfully. Though at one point Peter tapped at one of the posts, asking to 'come in'. At that point, since Spinnet was around, Remus was in his bed instead of under it. Under it was better but he really didn't want to risk Spinnet to seeing him there.

Remus sat up, blinking at the curtains for a few seconds then told him it was okay. Peter climbed into his bed, sitting cross-legged at Remus's feet. "Um, I won't bother you much," he whispered, obviously trying to speak quietly so nobody else could hear past the spells, "but, um, well…" He began rubbing the back of his head. "I wanted to thank you."

"Thank… me?" Remus was confused by that.

Peter, a bite mark on his shoulder.

"Uh-huh. I mean, I know you had a real bad time with your boggart and I know when you get upset like that you don't like being around people, but ummm you still—still came out to the pitch to give me support. That… that means a lot. So thank you." Suddenly he hugged Remus. "I hope you feel better soon. If there's anything I can do to help just let me know, 'kay?"

He left Remus's bed without waiting for a response, and Remus lay back down, feeling a little better.

Unfortunately, not better enough. When it was time to go to Astronomy, Remus considered staying behind. Skipping. However when James called for him, Remus forced himself out of bed.

It was hell. Having to stand around with his classmates, listening to Spring, having to work with a partner on some things—having to be social. It was agonizing. He did partner up with Lily, so he didn't have to deal with looking into the face of one of the ones he saw as his victims. Lily did inquire quietly about his boggart and Remus mumbled he didn't want to talk about; she accepted this answer and didn't ask again.

It was a relief to crawl back into bed, his eyes closing as soon as his head hit the pillow. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep, and it didn't take long for his nightmares to start. He woke up with gasps and soft cries multiple times, from nightmares of both him being bitten and him biting his friends. In one nightmare there was a shadowy figure that stood by while Remus was bit, and a voice laughing out, shouting something.

Then the shadowy figure was right in his face, leering at him, calling him soulless. Remus cried out and shoved the shadowy figure away as hard as he could, knowing if the figure got hold of him then it would mean pain. Lots of pain. The shadowy figure also cried out and there was a crashing sound—

Remus woke with a jerk, panting hard as lights came on in the dorm. His curtain was open, and Sirius was sprawled on the floor, rubbing his head where it had smacked against the edge of his bed.

Sirius must have been trying to wake Remus up and he thought it was the figure. When he pushed the figure, he had actually pushed Sirius. And hurt him.

"What the bloody hell happened?!" Spinnet demanded.

Everyone was getting out of their beds, staring at the scene in front of them. Shit, Remus thought, overwhelmed with fear at what he had done. "Oh God, Merlin," he whispered, sliding out of his bed.

"I'm fine," Sirius muttered, struggling to get up. He tried to use both hands to push himself up but it was obvious that was causing him pain so he switched to trying to use one hand which wasn't working so well.

"Did you fall?" James asked, helping him up.

"Yes," Sirius said immediately. "I—I got out of bed and fell."

No, don't lie for me. He felt as though he might start crying. The panic and guilt tore at every inch of him.

Sirius was smiling, one hand still pressed against his head. "I'm fine, though."

"Should you go see Pomfrey?" Peter asked. "Did you hit your head?"

"If you hit your head you should probably go to the hospital wing, just in case," said David.

Remus stared at Sirius, wanting to apologize but not sure if he should because of the lie. "I—I can take you," he offered softly.

"No, I'm sure it's fine," Sirius said.

James took a step closer and gently put his hand where Sirius had been rubbing. "Right, you got a big lump on you."

"Well if you weren't touching me, I wouldn't have a big lump on me," Sirius joked. James lightly smacked Sirius's chest, and Remus's chest constricted when he saw Sirius wince.

"Please?" Remus tugged at his pajama sleeve, terrified he had done more damage to Sirius, terrified that when he pushed he had hurt Sirius's chest.

I hurt him, I hurt him, I HURT HIM!

Sirius met his eyes, taking in his pleading look. "All right," he relented. "I guess I should. After all, if the lump gets worse it might make my hair look awful."

Remus snatched his dressing gown from where it was draped on his chair, putting on his slippers before anyone else could do anything. Sirius got his dressing gown and slippers as well. As soon as they left, Remus regretted offering because he still felt like shit from everything, and he wasn't sure how to ask what happened on Sirius's side of things.

There were some older students staying up in the common room so the two of them had to sneak past, slipping out without being seen. Neither of them said anything until the fifth floor when Remus, unable to stand it another second, asked.

Sirius was quiet for several seconds before he answered. "You were crying and thrashing in your sleep," he said, staring straight ahead as they crept down the corridor. "I tried to wake you up. You kept saying 'no' and then you sla—you put your hands on my chest and pushed me away."

"Slammed?" Remus guessed what Sirius had tried not to say.

"I—well… all right, yes, it—it was more of you slammed your hands into my chest to push me away."

It took all his strength and effort to stay where he was and not simply run away. To go home where he belonged, where he wouldn't hurt anyone. Or turn himself in to be executed, as he was a danger, he was a danger to people, this proved he was a danger—

"Oh, Merlin, Sirius, I am so sorry—"

"No." Sirius finally looked at him. "You didn't mean to. You were asleep."

Remus chewed his bottom lip, his nose burning as he fought off tears. Slammed. "Did I hurt your chest?"

"It'll be fine."

"Sirius…"

He sighed. "A little, yes. I guess it's a good thing I knew you were strong before this, otherwise I'd be damned confused at what happened, eh?"

Remus didn't smile at the lighthearted remark. "I'm so sorry."

Sirius started to lift his left hand—the one closer to Remus—and let out a slight grunt of pain. He decided to switch hands, using his right to tousle Remus's hair. "Don't worry about it."

What is going on with his arm?

On the third floor Remus heard Filch, so they took a hidden passageway to go the rest of the way. When they went into the hospital wing they tiptoed as quietly as they could in order to not wake up the patients. Sirius tapped at Pomfrey's door several times until she came out, wiping sleep from her eyes. After Sirius told her he had fallen and bumped his head rather hard, she ushered them into her office. It didn't take her long to heal the bump growing, and she checked him carefully for any signs of concussion.

"Remember when James had a concussion?" Sirius laughed.

"It's not a funny situation," Pomfrey reprimanded him.

Sirius kept snickering. "Yeah it was."

"There are no signs of a concussion. Here." She handed him a small vial. "You should be fine in the morning but put this on the spot regardless, just to be safe. Did you hit anywhere else?"

Sirius took the vial, avoiding looking at Remus. "Nope."

"Your chest," Remus blurted out.

Sirius turned hard eyes on him. "No, I'm fine."

"Did you hit your chest?" Pomfrey asked.

"No, Madame. I did not."

Pomfrey glanced at Remus who began winding the hem of his shirt around one finger. "Mr. Black…"

Sirius stood up. "I bumped it a little, that's all. It doesn't hurt."

Remus couldn't keep quiet. "You couldn't lift your left arm."

Sirius looked angry while Pomfrey began to do some diagnosis spells. "Merlin, you fractured your clavicle! How did you manage to hit your head and hurt your collarbone?"

"It was quite a spectacular fall," Sirius answered through clenched teeth.

"Take your top off—"

"No."

"Mr. Black—"

"Can't you just use Skele-Gro?" he asked, a muscle in his jaw twitching. "That will work, won't it?"

Pomfrey put her hands on her hips. "I need to make sure I know the extent of the injury before I apply a cure."

Sirius rubbed his left shoulder, hissing a little in pain. "I'd rather not take my shirt off."

"I can look away," Remus whispered. "Or leave the room."

"Well, who says I want Pomfrey to see my nipples?" Sirius asked.

"I've seen many nipples in my life, Mr. Black, I'm sure yours won't be much different."

Sirius stared at her for a long time then, "How about a compromise, then." He undid the buttons on his pajama top then carefully slid his left arm out of his sleeve, keeping the pajama top clutched around his midriff. Only his shoulder, arm, and a bit of his upper left chest was bare. "Will this work?" There was a dark bruise on his collarbone, a bruise that looked suspiciously like a small palm.

Pomfrey muttered something about impossible boys and began doing more spells along his collarbone. Once she finished, Sirius looked rather smug when she gave him some Skele-Gro to drink.

"Bottoms up," he said, raising the glass before drinking it. Pomfrey also applied bruise balm very gently. Remus knew there had to be one on Sirius's other side, and was very glad he hadn't broken both collarbones!

I broke his bone, he realized, nausea rising inside of him. I broke his bone!

The image of Sirius bleeding and injured filled his head and Remus scrambled over to the rubbish bin, throwing up into it. "Sorry," he moaned, wiping his mouth off on his sleeve. "I haven't been f—feeling well tonight. No, I'm all right," he said when Pomfrey offered to examine him (since Sirius was sitting right there). "I didn't eat supper so my—I'm not—I'll be fine."

I hurt him, I broke his bone…

His throat, torn open

Remus was sick into the bin again, tears slipping out of his cheeks which he could at least blame on throwing up.

Pomfrey helped get Remus cleaned up, giving him a hospital pajama top for him to change into behind a screen. After sufficient enough time had passed for the Skele-Gro to finish working, she made sure both boys were fine before sending them on their way. She wrote a note to give to anyone they came across on their return, though asked to speak to Remus briefly alone. She wanted to know what was going on with him and he shifted from foot to foot, debating on what to say. Finally, he admitted he had been having nightmares of his friends being hurt when he was awoken by Sirius's fall.

"It made me really ill, like my nightmare had actually happened," he said hesitantly.

Pomfrey narrowed her eyes, clearly not fully believing him. "Very well," she said. "Are you feeling any better? All right. Get some sleep, Mr. Lupin."

Sirius was a lot cheerier on the trip back until Remus asked why he had been so adamant about not taking his shirt off. He stopped his whistling and tightened his robe's sash.

"I knew Skele-Gro would work," he said. "What did Pommy want?"

"About me… throwing up…"

Sirius grinned again. "Was my shoulder that ugly?"

You have a very nice shoulder, Remus couldn't help but think. "Absolutely hideous," he answered solemnly. Then he brushed his fringe back, dropping his voice to a whisper. "No, that happened because my nightmares—I was having nightmares of hurting you guys. Then I go and hurt you."

"Accidentally," Sirius pointed out.

"Accidentally or not, I bloody broke your bone."

"Fractured."

"A fracture is a break, Sirius. I broke your bone." He hugged himself, trying not to cry, trying not to throw up again. At least he wasn't bleeding, if I had scratched him or ripped him open I—I don't know what I'd do. "I hurt you. Merlin, I—I hurt you!"

He felt the panic take hold and rise up. He knew his voice was getting louder, unable to stop it. A slight keening sound came out and the wolf rose up inside of him as everything felt like it was slipping away—

Sirius seized him by the shoulders, pushing him back against a wall. Gently. "Remus, it was an accident, we both know it was an accident and I'm not gonna have you sit there and blame yourself for an accident." Remus stared silently up at him, focusing on his face, focusing on his eyes. Anything to keep himself anchored. "I don't blame you, so you shouldn't blame yourself. You're shaking. Remus, you—what's wrong? Is it really that upsetting?"

Remus slumped a little. "It—" He stopped, not wanting to say what his boggart had been, not wanting to say what he had seen. "It's not so easy for me. To not blame myself. I hurt you, and it…" he trailed off, giving up on words.

Sirius's expression softened. "You're not evil, if that's what's worrying you. It doesn't make you a—a—a monster. It has nothing to do with that."

How did Sirius know exactly what was going on in Remus's head?

"If I wasn't like that then you wouldn't have broken a bone!"

Sirius shook his head. "Accidents happen, Remy. You could have bumped into me and I fell down some stairs, or tossed something at me and I missed and it hit my face. Besides, your strength saved me, remember?" He bent in and hugged Remus. "That's what you did with your strength, when you were conscious and thinking, not hurting me."

Remus slipped his arms around Sirius, hugging back, burying his face against Sirius's chest. His arms were so warm and his scent was very comforting. It felt so good (so right) being like that, which was also very wrong—very, very wrong, and he knew he needed to stop the hug. Besides, the hug made it more difficult for him to not cry; he probably would have if there weren't steps coming down the hall. There was a light swinging, and they both knew it was Filch.

Sirius grabbed Remus's hand making those feelings even worse. "Come on!"

He began running, pulling Remus behind him. Filch shouted at them to stop, his uneven gait following.

"We—have—the—note!" Remus panted out.

Sirius yanked him into a secret passage and up a flight of stairs. "This is more fun!" he laughed.

Remus did manage a smile, though he was getting more and more nauseated. Inside his head, two sides were battling it out. On one side those wrong feelings from the hug and the hand holding were whirling around at max speed, making his heart race and his palms get a little sweaty. On the other side was the whole boggart thing and breaking-Sirius's-bone which made him distressed and miserable. The two sides clashed, making his head and stomach both hurt. His entire body was going wild and if he had a second to think he'd probably be sick all over the floor.

Sirius didn't stop till they got to the portrait of the Fat Lady—who was gone. "Bloody hell!" Sirius moaned.

Remus doubled over, trying to get some oxygen in his lungs. "Filch will get us."

"We'll have to hide out until she comes back—"

But just as Sirius said that the portrait swung open and Peter's face peered out. "You're back! They're back!"

James and Peter had been waiting for them, checking every so often like when Peter and Remus did when the others went off to sneak around the school. Sirius and Remus gladly slipped inside, Sirius gleefully telling them about their escape from Filch while Remus made a beeline for their bathroom. He threw up again.

Hug. Hand. Broken bone. He somehow got to his feet, staggering over to the sink to rinse his mouth out and wash his face off. What a mess I made. Waking everyone up like that, hurting Sirius…

The wrong feelings slowly dissipated as the sickening knowledge of hurting his friend took over once more.

When he trudged into the dorm room James and Sirius were both wide awake while Peter kept yawning. Sirius told them what happened, editing the story to make it sound like all his wounds were really from falling. He should tell them the truth, Remus thought as he climbed back into bed.

"Are you going to be all right?" Sirius asked.

Remus hesitated, hands on his curtains. "Yes," he lied, hoping that Sirius would sleep the rest of the night in James's bed. "Um. I—um…" He couldn't apologize again, and even if he did Sirius wouldn't accept it. "Goodnight."

They told him goodnight, Sirius frowning as Remus closed his curtains.

Giving the smallest of sighs, Remus flopped back, digging Gwyllgi out from under his pillow. He doubted he'd be able to sleep again that night but somehow he did manage to drift off, only to wake up from another nightmare. At least this time he didn't hurt Sirius. Nor did he scream out.

It was the wolf again, he realized, curling up. The wolf that bit him, and that shadowy figure laughing and saying something. Something Remus couldn't figure out until the next morning when he very sleepily tumbled out of bed. It came to him when he was brushing his teeth, staring blankly at his pale face, trying to think of anything but breaking Sirius's collarbone. That meant his brain turned to the hazy nightmares, the voice rising up from the fog.

Slowly he lowered his toothbrush, gaze unfocused.

Enjoy your soulless son now, Lupin!

That's what the shadowy figure said, but that made no sense whatsoever. There—there couldn't have been anyone else there. Not with a werewolf, the werewolf would have attacked the figure too. The other person wouldn't have been laughing either or—or taunting Remus's father.

No.

No, it was all a very strange nightmare brought on by the trauma of seeing Twycross's werewolf and his own boggart. No. It couldn't be anything but a nightmare.

Remus began brushing his teeth again, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach.

Right?