Chapter 34 Chapter Notes

Bella begins to suspect that something is going on with Charlie. She doesn't want to be judgmental, but it's frustrating to be left with clues but no answers. What is going on with her father? Why all the secrecy?

Is he seeing someone? And why won't he tell her about it?

*** Bella again has thoughts of suicide. ***

The chapter title belongs to The Beatles

Chapter 34 You Can't See me Sunday, October 8th

Bella wakes to rain beating on her window. She's glad that she thought to close it last night. She can't even guess the time, because it's so dark outside. A quick glance at her alarm clock says 9:30 am. She pushes her hair out of her face and struggles to sit. After spending a few groggy minutes leaning against the wall that is her bed's de-facto headboard, she makes up her mind to get up.

Immediately, her stomach lurches. She runs to the bathroom, thinking that the three bites of burger she'd eaten on the beach last night in La Push are to blame. She hovers over the commode for a few minutes, but the queasy feeling slowly passes.

Thunder rattles the windowpanes as the rain beats against the house. Jake told her yesterday that the storm is forecast to continue off and on throughout the day. Peevishly, she glances out her window to see if there is water pooling under the trees, not knowing if she wants puddles out there that are deep enough to drown in or not.

She turns away with decision. Puddles or no puddles, she's not interested in them anymore.

She doesn't think that she's interested in them anymore.

She doesn't want to be interested in them anymore.

Yesterday, she'd woken up to find that Charlie had gone fishing. After shopping for groceries, cleaning the house and finishing up some homework, she'd headed to La Push to hang out with Jacob. At dusk, they had gathered on First Beach with a couple of families to cook out.

As she was trying to make friends with a cheeseburger, Charlie had called and said he might be home late. That he'd made plans.

She'd looked down to find she and the burger weren't going to be forming an intimate friendship, after all. She'd tossed it when Jake's back was turned.

The surf had been up and it thundered onto the hard sand of the beach, and if she held her head in a certain way, she'd thought she could hear it call to her. Bella Bella Bella. She'd huddled next to Jacob with her head down so she couldn'tsee the churning water. Afterward, as she'd driven home, the sound of the surf echoed in her head, and she'd fallen to sleep with the cadence of her name as it washed ashore. Bella, Bella, Bella.

When Bella Bella Bella goes to her window, she sees that the sun hasn't even tried to break through the heavy cloud cover. With a hollow feeling, she remembers the water whispering to her. She briefly wonders if she is going mad.

She collapses back onto her bed and sleeps until light pours into her room. She finally gets up, and on her way downstairs, sees that Charlie's bed is made and his shades are up. She inclines her head to sniff the air and thinks she smells a faint whiff of aftershave.

First, 'plans', and now, aftershave?

Charlie doesn't wear aftershave when he goes fishing with his buddies. When she'd asked him the night before if he was fishing today, he hadn't actually answered the question. Instead, he'd given her a brief exegesis on the types of fish that live in the river and how many can be taken on a single day.

Not what she'd asked, but it told her more than he'd wanted her to know.

Charlie is, in fact, not fishing. Her inspection this morning bears this out: his poles are still in the closet, but he's nowhere to be seen. He's left her a note, however, that is no more enlightening than their conversation of the night before.

Hey Bells, I'll be out today. If you need me, call my cell. Otherwise, I'll see you later. Dad.

Bella scoffs, then is immediately contrite. Charlie is a grown man. He doesn't need his daughter's permission to…do whatever it is that he's doing. She just wishes he would trust her with the information.

Bella has visited Jake four times in the past week. Each time, he'd tried to feed her, and she'd obliged by taking a bite or two of food and then hiding the remainder in her pocket. But she begins to look forward to escaping to the reservation, and this feeling is reinforced by Charlie's unfettered enthusiasm for the idea.

It's a school night. Be home by midnight. I have homework due. You're an excellent student! I need to make supper. I'll have leftovers.

Putting away the mystery of where Charlie was yesterday, and now today, Bella grabs her raincoat and bag. She drives carefully to La Push. It's raining harder here than in Forks, and as the truck screeches to a halt, she eases her door open to see Jake standing there, waiting as always, to lift her out of her seat. His strong arms, once a source of embarrassment and consternation, now offer something more. She's confused by her response to Jake's touch. It feels like a betrayal of Edward, which is ridiculous, but true.

They hurry into the house, shucking their raincoats at the door. Bella tosses her bag by the table and shivers with delight when she sees the pan of cocoa, simmering on the stove. She sighs contentedly and pours them both a serving. It's steaming hot and Jake hands her a bag of mini marshmallows. After tossing some in both cups, she sips the drink, feeling the warmth go all the way to her toes. She's not sure that the effect is entirely because of the cocoa.

They don't talk but Bella sees that Jake is watching her with a focused intensity. She sits up straight, suddenly certain that all these visits to see him have been a mistake. His manner has changed with her, becoming more mature, more single-minded. Where once he'd grabbed her hand in a playful, friendly way, now the same act feels intimate.

She's afraid that he's about to declare himself and that would be really awkward and uncomfortable. She's not in love with Jake. She doesn't want to be his girlfriend. Does he go to sleep at night, thinking about her? She goes to sleep at night thinking about Edward. Jake may have a thing for her, but he wants to be in a relationship with two people, not three, and there's no way Bella is letting Edward go. Not now.

Not ever.

Much to her relief, Jake doesn't say anything. He clears the table and they begin their homework. Bella has an essay due in Economics and is still struggling with calculus. Jake has some math as well, which he breezes through without breaking a sweat. When he finishes his own work, he comes around the table and leans over Bella's shoulder to get a look at her calculus. His breath is sweet and he is very warm. They both seem to sense their close proximity at the same time, but neither wants to move away, apparently. Finally, after scratching a few marks on her paper, Jake stands up.

He's breathing slowly, the way Edward used to do to calm himself. Edward had told Bella that he'd learned it from her. She remembers how shocked she'd been to hear that he didn't need to breathe at all.

Bella closes her book and puts all her homework in her bag. She realizes she's worrying her bottom lip again, and stops.

"What's up?" Jake asks, as he walks around the table and falls into his chair. "You look like you're deep in thought."

Bella sighs. "Yeah. I've been thinking about Charlie."

Jake sits up straighter. "Oh! I meant to ask you about that. What were the plans he called about last night? Something with work?"

Bella shakes her head. "He didn't tell me, and then I got up this morning and he was already gone." She tells Jake about the note he'd left for her. "Something is going on with him but he won't talk about it. When I asked him if he was fishing today, he gave me a non-answer." Bella shakes her head and frowns. "But when I checked under the stairs, his poles were still there!" She throws her hands in the air dramatically. "I don't know where he is."

Jake laughs. "You sound like the parent. I bet this is what he was thinking the entire time you—" Jake stops abruptly. "Sorry," he mumbles.

Bella takes a deep breath. "It's okay. Not a part of my life anymore." She thinks back to all the secrets she and Edward had. Charlie probably wondered exactly where she'd been and what she'd been doing with Edward. "It's just weird. I wonder if he's seeing somebody. You know, he's never dated anybody that I know of."

Jacob thinks about this. "How would you know? You just got here eight months ago."

"I've got neighbors. They talk. Two of them told me, at different times, that they were happy that I'd come home, as Charlie had been alone for so long. They both said that he had friends, that he enjoyed fishing, sometimes hunting, but never had a girlfriend. One of them tried to fix him up with her sister, but Charlie wasn't interested."

Jacob looks unconvinced, but Bella says, "No. Charlie told me himself. Said that he was 'married to his work'."

Bella becomes uncomfortably aware that Jacob is staring at her again. She's afraid to ask him about it, so decides to go home. She doesn't know if she wants to hang around the empty house but it doesn't feel right to be with Jake today. His mood is very intense and it's a bit worrying. And she needs to get away from the ocean. She doesn't want to hear it call her name anymore. She's losing interest in it, but it doesn't seem to be losing interest in her.

His face falls when she tells him she has some stuff to do at home, but he finds a smile for her as they walk to the truck. She climbs in on her own so he won't put his hands on her again and he hands up her school bag. She waves as she pulls out and makes a mental note to stay away from Jake and from the ocean for at least a few days.

When her truck finally rumbles to a stop in front of her house, Bella runs upstairs. She throws her bag down and rips off her raincoat, letting it fall to the floor. Hesitantly, she opens her window and peers out, not knowing how she would feel if Edward were there, waiting for her to return home. Would she cry with relief? Or would she pick up the nearest heavy object and throw it at him?

Anger, Bella. Find it.

She drags her desk chair to the window and she sits. And just like Edward, she pretends.

She closes her eyes and he's there, climbing up the side of her house, into her window. He crawls onto her bed and under her covers with her, and she remembers his kisses, how cool his lips were, and how much she'd wanted more. He'd told her she was too soft, too breakable, but she imagines him undressing her, making love to her on her little bed.

She cries bitter tears, and for the first time she grabs up her phone and dials his number. It doesn't ring. She hears three tones before a metallic voice says This number is no longer in service or has been changed.

Was he so over his relationship with Bella that he never wanted to speak to her again? Or did he not want anyone to contact him? She still has difficulty believing it. Even now, weeks later, it seems unreal. One day, crazy in love. Next day, I don't want you anymore.

It's too much work.

It begins to rain but she doesn't close the window. She sits there, waiting for Edward.