PART 32
Remus was in potions lab B pouring the fifth failed antiwyrm potion in the sink. After that he figured it couldn't hurt to try to veganify the recipe. He sat down on a stool and began to read Vegan Potions (They may not be as powerful or fun and they probably won't work) by Ruddy Hippie.
It took him two seconds to read the entire book. It was short, all pages were identical and everything that stood to read in them was: Vegan potions? What are you stupid? Go hug a tree!
James came into the lab, hoping to get a check on the progress. Then he saw that yet another potion had gone down the drain.
"Back so soon?" Remus asked.
"I managed to sneak away. We all went to Muggle Heathrow."
"I know."
"I gave Padfoot that termite you gave me."
"I know."
"Of course, I told him that it was a zombie ant!"
"I know."
"I said to him: this zombie ant will plop in people's coffees and turn them into vacant zombies and make them climb trees and kill themselves! Like we discussed, remember?"
"I know."
"It was perfect because lots of cosmospacist were there going on some conference or something. Plus there was a lot of jet lag going around. Basically the airport was full of zombies already."
"Good."
"I tried to convince Padfoot to go home, I even suggested we'd go and watch a musical porn. But he refused to leave. He wanted to see the zombie ant do its thing. Lay thousands of eggs in people's suitcases. He wanted to watch the mass zombie pandemic break out."
"I bet."
"Surprising how much of Muggle Heathrow is wood, innit?"
"Is a lot of Muggle Heathrow wood?"
"It crumbled like a knocker had been there. If I was evil I would have been pleased myself."
The door went up with a bang.
"PRONGS!"
James heard rattling and dived under the desk.
Sirius came in with long, sweeping steps of rage.
"I know you're in here somewhere! You have deceived me for the last time! Come out you sissy! I want to show you how we deal with liars in the Always Puré!"
Sirius gave the rattle snake in his hand a shake. When James refused to come out, he flung it over his shoulder.
"Good evening Moony. What are you doing?"
"Just trying to boost my grades."
"Oh yeah?"
Sirius studied Remus villainously.
"Have you ever been mellow? Long Live Love. Those are the only songs I know."
"Why Don't You Write Me?"
"Because I've been really busy!"
"It's a cover."
"No I really have been."
"Simon & Garfunkel."
"Simon & Garfunkel? Simon & Garfunkel?"
"Yeah."
"Don't you mean… Ramses and King Tuth?"
"I haven't heard of them."
"Oh. I think you have. I know what you are, Moo. What you REALLY are!"
"I heard. Yes it's true. I like to dress up as Olivia Newton John and sing her songs at gay clubs."
"That explained a few things. But not everything. It doesn't explain all the bubblegum, all the sleeping, not to mention ALL that bandage!"
"Sure it does! All that alcohol… Dirty violence is inevitable."
"Dirty violins, dirty books, dirty cupboards. The more dust the better, am I right?"
"Not if you ask my asthma," Cough.
"What if I were to ask your friend Nefertiti?"
"I don't have a friend Nefertiti-"
"YES YOU DO BECAUSE YOU'RE A MUMMY! YOU'RE A MUMMY AREN'T YOU? A DUSTY OLD MUMMY FROM EGYPT!"
Remus was utterly confused.
"Don't you like mummies?"
"NO I HATE MUMMIES!"
"Why?"
"Because mummies are old and ugly! They are liars and frauds! Look at you! You're a mummy! But you're young and… ok looking. What may we deduce from that? That you are a liar and a fraud, like all mummies!"
"A 3000 year old mummy might want to make itself look presentable to not frighten non-mummies, is that so wrong?"
"You claim it's to not frighten non-mummies. I put it to you that it's to attract prey. The better a mummy looks, the easier for it to bite the heads of unsuspecting non-mummy prey and make them their mummy servants. Mummies are dangerous. They carry diseases. If you breathe on them, they crumble and when you poke them, the skull falls off in a crack and a spider crawls out of it, its nasty. I don't like mummies at all!"
"I honestly had no idea you felt that way."
"Me neither."
Sirius stormed out of the lab.